Save the Endangered "Thank You"

While it is the time of year when we are inundated with things for which we should be thankful, I am very worried that root word is on its way out. Thanksgiving may be a time to be grateful, but increasingly, fewer and fewer people are taking time to say, “thanks.”

How many times have you held the door open for someone who walks past you as if that is your job (and you are overpaid for it, too)? How many times have you seen kind acts ignored, taken for granted, or added to the list of obligations?

Last year, my daughter and I were standing in a long line at the omelet station while we were on vacation. The chef was working very hard. When people arrived at the front of the line, they gave him specific orders about what they wanted in the omelet, and how they wanted it cooked. They would then dash off to the rest of the buffet and get other things to eat. We noticed that, as they returned and picked up their food, many didn’t even make eye contact with the hard working chef. My daughter and I started counting how many of them said, “Thank you.” It was fewer than a third.

Friends of ours tell a similar story. While vacationing in Florida, their waiter asked them if they were from the Midwest. They asked if he knew this because of their accents. “No,” he replied, “You say, thank you.”

Please understand that I am advocating a spoken, “thank you.” I am not asking for thank you notes, gifts, banners, or full-page ads. Simply saying, “thank you” costs nothing and takes almost no time. Why then don’t we hear (and say it) more often.

Because, like infants, many people are increasingly solipsistic. This is not merely selfishness, it is a view that the entire world is merely an extension of the self. My family is an extension of my self. The products I purchase and the stores at which I buy them reflect my personality. We are spending our lives in front of a gigantic mirror and all we can think of to say is, “Does this make me look fat?”

This probably explains why thank you’s sibling is already dead. Next time you say, “thank you,” listen closely to the response. Most likely, you will hear some version of “no problem.” This is a very different response than, “You’re welcome.”

“No problem,” says that the act for which you were thanked didn’t cause any strain or issue. It is a self-focused response. “You’re welcome,” is focused on the other person. It says that the act was deliberately intended for you. “You’re welcome,” says that I was thinking, not about myself, but about you and I wanted what was best for you. “No problem,” acknowledges that, if there were any benefits to you, I am relieved that there were no costs for me.

Costs are what “thank you,” is all about. Thanksgiving is the start of the “season of giving.” Maybe it should be renamed the season of receiving. As our cause du jour on Thanksgiving, please consider reviving the old and honorable tradition of regularly using, “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” and expressing the value of reaching beyond ourselves.

Thank you.

The Rules Don’t Apply To Me

Picking up my son at his elementary school made me crazy. I would pass the moms parked in front of signs that clearly read, “No Parking, Standing or Stopping.” Then the line would be held up by parents who blatantly disregarded the procedures and encouraged their children to run through parked cars into traffic. These elementary school children then got into the front passenger seats, which is not only against the law but could be lethal if an airbag deployed. Meanwhile, their parents chat away on their cell phones, another violation of the rules. Finally, I watched cars pull away from the line without any regard to the through traffic moving next to them. Fortunately, I have not witnessed any accidents, but I have seen too many near misses.

Why do people behave as if the rules do not apply to them? And what lesson are they teaching their children? These kids are not blind or dumb. They know mom or dad is breaking the rules. I can see the results in the high school.

Of course this behavior is not confined to the pick up line at my son’s school. We see this all the time. From able-bodied people using handicapped parking spaces to patrons on cell phones in movie theaters and smokers who use the entire world as their ashtrays. The idea that rules and laws are optional is everywhere.

Are these rules optional? Most of these transgressions are minor and the perpetrators (if that is not too strong of a word) do not receive any penalties. They don’t seem to feel any guilt either. That doesn’t mean that these actions are okay.

I do not believe in blinding following rules. But I do not believe in blindly disregarding them either. We live in a society that is held together by the rule of law. If a law is unjust or ill conceived, there are means by which we can address that. But I don’t think the moms who are violating the “No Parking, Stopping or Standing” law are committing acts of civil disobedience.

Most of these misbehaviors are unconscious and thoughtless. If you are talking on your cell phone, you will not be focused on your child’s safety nor will you be likely to make good decisions. Yet I can’t let everyone off the hook so easily. While the person who cuts in line may not have realized that the line started on the other side, many times the act was deliberate. The meaning is clear: my needs are more important than yours. It is old-fashioned selfishness.

And what need is it that drives (pun intended) much of this: convenience. Following the rules requires some thought. Following the rules often takes a few more minutes. Following the rules means slowing down enough to consider the needs of the others. People are in a hurry and want to make tasks faster and easier and the rules are in the way. And they don’t want to work that hard anyway.

I want to ask these pick up parents, “Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want your children to become?” There is a price to be paid for these choices. Sometimes we pay that price and sometimes others do. Is it fair that you speed through while making someone else wait? Is it better to get something done easier at the cost of safety? Little deals add up to big deals and, to rephrase a proverb, the road to hell may be paved with thoughtless and selfish shortcuts.