Ten Ways to Protect Your Accounts with Strong Passwords

Recently, many of us have been receiving messages that some of our passwords have been compromised. I have written about passwords before but I want to give you another dose of rules, tools, and suggestions to keep you as digitally safe as possible. I have been sitting down with friends and relatives recently and asking them to evaluate both their passwords and how they store and create them. 

Here are some suggestions, rules, and tools:

1. Don’t use the same password for more than one login. If one of those sites has a breach, someone now has your email (or user name) and password. You can be sure they will try it on other sites! 

2. Make passwords long and complex. Use numbers, capital and small letters, and symbols (if the site allows). 

3. Do not, do not, do not, do not keep a list of your passwords on a post-it note on your computer. While a piece of paper in a file might have some degree of security and practicality there are better ways to do this. On Apple products, you can create a password protected note, which is better than having a slip in your wallet – but there are better methods. 

4. I recommend everyone use a password manager. I use 1Password, but there are many others. Apple offers Keychain built into the Apple ecosystem. The main benefit of a password manager is that it stores all your passwords securely and you don’t have to remember all of them. All you have to remember is how to get into the manager (thus the one I use is called 1Password because I only have to remember the password that lets me into my password manager). I STRONGLY suggest looking at a dedicated password manager that is not a locked note, Keychain, or the password saver built into your web browser. 

5. Another benefit of a password manager is that it can autofill your usernames and passwords when you go to a website. It will also remember your password when you use it on a new website (and even offer to create a strong and complex password for you). 

6. A side benefit of this is that, if my password manager does NOT offer me my password on a website that LOOKS LIKE it is my bank, for instances, it is a warning that I might be on a fake website and about to give away my username and password to a hacker! If my password manager doesn’t recognize the website, I need to find out why. 

7. Consider trying passkeys instead of passwords. Passkeys are when you use another device instead of a password. You might use your fingerprint or other biometrics. A website might ping your phone, watch, or other device. You can even purchase an actual digital key that plugs into your computer and lets websites know that it is really you! 

8. Many websites now use one-time password codes instead of passwords. You log in with your email and they send you a code. This is great – as long as you have control over the means of getting that code. If a hacker gets control of your email or phone number, you will be unable to receive these one-time password codes.

9. For this reason (and others), it is critical that you use secure passwords with your high-priority assets: your email account, financial institutions, any website where you have stored a credit card (Amazon), social media accounts (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc), and of course, work-related websites. All of these should be protected with long, complex, and unique passwords – so long and complex that you could never ever remember them. Thus, storing them using a secure password manager would be a good idea (there is a theme here – get it?). 

10. Always, always, always take advantage of two-part authentication when it is available. This is when you get a code sent via text or email or through an authenticator app when you log on to a site for the first time on a new device or browser. This is not foolproof. If someone has your phone, they might be able to use this to reset a password. However, if you receive a message with a code when you haven’t logged in to that website, you know someone else is trying to. 

The scammers are getting more and more clever and devious, as I have written about before. We have to help each other stay safe and protected! While a warning that you have a compromised password may or may not be true, we all could improve our password security. Be safe out there! 

UPDATED: Strategies to Avoid Getting Scammed

The scammers are devious. They are increasingly harnessing both technological and psychological weapons to trick people out of their money – especially vulnerable people like the elderly. 

I have written about scams before, and while the articles and advice in those posts are still relevant, the scammers are escalating their tactics and we need to add some more precautions to our anti-scammer protection system. 

For those who don’t want to read much, here are my anti-scamming suggestions (this is an extenion on the list I wrote here): 

Trust your gut: If you even have a slight inkling that the phone call, email, website, text, or other form of communication is a scam: STOP! We frequently have a little voice in the back of our minds that raises the issue, but we don’t pay attention: PAY ATTENTION! 

Just because they have some information about you, even something as private as your social security number, bank account number, credit or debit card number, address, or date of birth, don’t trust them! Scammers can get this information. Bad actors can access private and personal data. Don’t rationalize that, “this can’t be a scam because they have my…”

If the message is urgent, it is likely a scam. If the message is highly sensitive, it is probably a scam. If the message is emotional, it is likely a scam. If the message is shocking, it is likely a scam. Your grandchild is most likely not in danger. No government agency is coming after you. No one has hacked into your bank account. “You can’t tell anyone,” is a huge red flag! When the person on the phone or the email screams that the house is on fire and you must trust them to put it out, hang up and do the thing next on this list. 

Contact the agency or person in question the way you normally do! If the email or caller says they are from your bank, hang up and call your bank. If they say that there has been a car accident and your relative needs help, call that relative (and if you can’t reach them, call someone close to them whom you trust). As the photo shows, links can look like they are correct and lead you to the wrong website. If you have a browser bookmark for your brokerage account, use that link– never click on links in texts or emails! 

Don’t give ANYONE your private information. Period. Don’t confirm your private information. Period. Of course, if you call your doctor, banker, broker, or other trusted source, you can do that. However, if someone contacts you and claims to be from their office – or even sounds like them – nope! 

Fakes are easy to create! Scammers can spoof phone numbers, so don’t trust the caller ID. Spammers can fake people’s voices, so just because it sounds like that person doesn’t mean it is that person. Spammers make website addresses, links, emails, and phone numbers look like the real thing. That is why you must always use the contact information that you have used in the past and know 100% is, in fact, the real thing – not the link, email address, phone number, or other method that they are feeding you. 

If there is even a tiny chance you are on the phone with a scammer: hang up! Then contact the organization using your regular contact method. Pro tip: if you are on a cell phone call and turn it to airplane mode, the person on the other end will see a “call failed” message. To really sell it, do this in the middle of a sentence or word. 

Don’t use passwords, passcodes, PIN numbers, or other private unlocking strategies in public - EVER. Don’t unlock your phone at the bar. Go inside the bank and cover your PIN number with your hand at the ATM – or better yet, use a teller. Never use passwords on public wifi networks. Learn to use passcodes like your face, fingerprint, watch, or USB keys. 

Don’t do strangers favors: Lots of scammers take advantage of your good nature. They ask to use your credit card at the gas pump because they only have cash. They ask you to loan them money. They ask all sorts of things. The answer is no! While sometimes, they really are people in need: more often, they are scammers. Give to charities and social service agencies and call them when people are in need - if people approach you directly, be suspicious. 

If you have other strategies, send them to me and I will add them here (and credit you, if you are okay with that – I can also credit you with just a first name or initials). 

Here are a few articles to give you the flavor of what scammers are doing: 

“Lake Co. Resident Nearly Loses $20K In PayPal Scam”

“AARP sounding alarm on fraud, offering helpful resources to victims”

“10 Security Settings That Protect Your iPhone From Thieves”

“How to Avoid Pump Switching Scams at the Gas Station” 

“How to Protect Your Parents From Elder Fraud and Scams”

“How to Protect Your Finances From Identity Theft”

“This 'IRS Letter' Is a Scam”

“These Financial ‘Experts’ Got Scammed, so You Can Too (Really)”

UPDATE: 

Some dear friends replied and added the following:

Beware when the person texting you says they can’t or won’t answer a phone call from you because they are “driving”… it’s really because you would instantly recognize that they are not who you think you are texting. If you think about it, people who are driving would really prefer talking over texting as that would be safer!

Many scammers are from foreign countries and English is not their native language. Therefore, be aware that even the SLIGHTEST English grammar or syntax error should alert you that the person is a foreign scammer who has a high level but not perfect proficiency in speaking English.  Even a SINGLE WORD misused that would not be said that way by a native English speaker should be a huge red flag to you.

If a person asks you to pay for an item via Zelle be aware that, unlike a credit card payment, money sent by Zelle cannot be retracted or credited even if you later can verify it was sent to a scammer. Never use a phone number or email link sent by the person to make a Zelle payment, as your money is probably not going to the person you think it is.

If you are purchasing an item and the main message to you focuses on receiving the payment rather than the details of the item itself that should clue you into the fact that all they want is to get your money from you.

If you are communicating with someone via Facebook messenger and then switch to texting but they won’t talk out loud by phone call that’s a clue that they are trying to hide their true identity.

If the party refuses to take a check as payment and insists on using electronic payment via Zelle, Venmo, or PayPal that’s a clue that it’s a scammer, as the scammer wouldn’t be able to cash your check, especially if located in a foreign country,

If the person selling an item says you need to pay them because other people are also trying to buy the same item, be aware that it’s probably a lie and trick to make you pay sooner rather than later.

Try to buy items from established online retailers like Amazon, Wal-Mart, etc, and not from Facebook marketplace or unknown retailers.

If someone asks you to text back a Google phone code and you do they might create a Google Voice phone number that links to your phone, thus compromising your phone! 

Beware of scammers who say that they are checking that you are not the scammer! How ironic! 

Thank you to my friends for these strategies! 

Reading For Treasure: Going to College and Searching for College

It is August! College and high school students are heading back to campus. New students are learning how to manage and older students are thinking about the next steps. With that in mind, here are some articles on preparing and going to college as well as a few thoughts for those starting the college search process: 

Lifehacker has a set of very useful “how to” articles for college students, their parents, and future college students:  

“These Online Resources Will Help You Find Free College Textbooks”

 “Stop Believing These College Scholarship Myths”

“The Four Questions to Ask Yourself Before Hiring a College Admissions Counselor”

 “Why You Should Stop Bringing Your Laptop to Class”

“These College Alternatives Can Actually Help You Get a Job”

“Take Advantage of These Tax Tips to Pay for College”

Here are several articles from The Atlantic about college issues: 

 “Why Some Students Are Skipping College” 

“Stop Sharing Viral College-Acceptance Videos” 

“The Toyota Corolla Theory of College” 

“The College Essay Is Dead”

“The Supreme Court Killed the College-Admissions Essay”

Here are some almost excellent and sometimes profoundly honest articles from The Daily Northwestern (which are applicable no matter what school you are attending): 

“On the ups and downs of freshman year”

“Me, Myself and I: learning to be alone in college”

“10 things you don’t want to forget on your college packing list”

And a few good articles from other sources: 

The Atlanta Voice: “Is Dual Enrollment or AP Better for Earning College Credit?”

The Daily Herald: “Safeguarding your college student's health”

NPR: “Affirmative Action for rich kids: It's more than just legacy admissions” 

ProPublica: “The Newest College Admissions Ploy: Paying to Make Your Teen a ‘Peer-Reviewed’ Author”

Here is a link to all the articles I have posted about college. 

Although our Generation Z folks don’t need this note, there are some wonderful and interesting TikToks with all sorts of college advice. Most of what I have seen is very good, but we should always look at all TikTok videos with a very critical eye.

I am currently reading Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About the World – and Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, and Anna Rosling Rönnlund

Time Enough for Heinlein

There are books that we treasure. There are books that live in our minds. There are books that shape our identities. For me, the writing of Robert A. Heinlein, but especially Time Enough for Love and Stranger in a Strange Land were formative reads. I read them as a high school student and, time and again, I keep coming back to them. 

I have reread Stranger several times since high school, but recently, I reread Time Enough for Love for the first time in decades. I had forgotten about the novel’s almost uncomfortable exploration of love taboos. What I remembered strongly were two other aspects of the novel: The character and wisdom of the main character, Lazarus Long, and his wonderful list of aphorisms in his “notebooks.” 

I have quoted these aphorisms from memory ever since. I have posted them on my dorm room door in college and used them as sample belief statements in my Sunday school class. One, in particular, formed the basis of final exam essay question, and another has justified adjourning congregational committee meetings for more than two decades! I will list some of these wonderful, wise, and clever statements a little later. 

Time Enough For Love argues that, “The more you love, the more you can love — and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”

That majority includes everyone – and this book explores that in-depth. Everyone means that you could love, passionately and sexually, the people our society says you can only love in a platonic non-physical way: your family! I had forgotten how this novel took the idea that long-lived people might eventually fall in “Eros” love with their children, siblings, and parents. In fact, Heinlein’s lengthy and obsessive exploration of our main character’s affair with his own mother was at times both excruciating and cringe-worthy. It made the point – and then kept making it. 

What stuck with me as a teenager was not the incestual nature of the book, but the wisdom the oldest man alive shared. His thoughts about love, for sure, but also about religion, politics, and plain old not-so-common sense. 

So here are only a few of the wonderful aphorisms from “The Notebooks of Lazarus Long.” 

Heinlein was clearly a religious skeptic, another point that would have made this book a winner for teenaged (and later) me: 

“History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.”

“God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent-it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.”

“The most preposterous notion that H. Sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all of history.”

“Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.)”

Several of Lazarus Long’s statements might be commentary on today’s political issues: 

“What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!”

“Does history record any case in which the majority was right?”

“A generation which ignores history has no past—and no future.”

“The two highest achievements of the human mind are the twin concepts of “loyalty” and “duty.” Whenever these twin concepts fall into disrepute--get out of there fast. You may possibly save yourself, but it is too late to save that society. It is doomed.”

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity!”

Most of the wonderful aphorisms are just plain good advice:

“Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.”

“Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.”

“If you don’t like yourself, you can’t like other people.”

“A motion to adjourn is always in order.”

“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.”

“Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.”

“Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries first!”

“To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.”

“Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.”

“Anything free is worth what you pay for it.”

“Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament--it is possible to be both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks you can’t avoid. This permits you to play the game happily, untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.”

There is no doubt that some of Heinlein’s writing has not aged well. Many of his ideas were chauvinistic and sexist. His portrayal of women is deeply problematic. Yet, unlike some of the other important writers of the golden age of science fiction, his work is still engagingly readable and shockingly relevant. 

That may be why, once I finish reading the Hugo nominees, I am going to read The Cat Who Walks Through Walls! 

Reading For Treasure: Pick A College But Not Just Any College

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! 

It’s that time of year again. High school seniors are being plagued (sorry) with the question, “What are you doing next year?” Here are some articles that might help them make those choices and prepare for next year. 

“Want to find an affordable college? There's a website for that” from NPR is a good overview of The College Scorecard website, which was just updated. It is an invaluable resource to any family sending a child to college. 

Also from NPR, “Georgetown study measures colleges' return on investment” describes a website that looks at how much college graduates earn and how different schools’ alumni perform after college. Oddly, the article does not provide you with the Georgetown study results – but I will! 

Although short and a little simple, “College and Alcohol: Sober in College (And Still Having Fun)” from yourteenmag.com is a good way to start the conversation about drinking in college. 

And while we are talking about drinking, let’s talk about sex. “At Northwestern, a Secret Society of Virgins” from the Chicago Tribune is a candid discussion about being a virgin at college. 

If there are issues, Consumer Reports addresses the question, “Will You Be Able to Help Your College-Age Child in a Medical Emergency?” It turns out that HIPAA privacy may make this challenging. This article lets you be prepared. 

From Grown and Flown, here is one parent’s experience when her son did have to go to the emergency room, “My College Freshman Went to The ER: What This Mom Learned.”

This is not my first blog post with a college focus. Here are a few posts from this blog that might come in handy as your child tries to decide what will come after high school: Avoiding mistakes and some good advice,  College Advice from Shakespeare (and me), Textbooks and Sex: A Reading List for College Students, Future College Students, and the People Who Love Them, College Readiness, and What does it mean to go to a “good school?” 

Finally, here is a powerfully candid piece from Slate that all students should read even more closely than they read (if they read) their actual college syllabuses, “My Fake College Syllabus” 

I am currently rereading This is How You Lose The Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

Reading for Treasure: Dating

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction.

Lifehacker recently had an interesting series on dating. I had two other articles that related to that and a theme for this month’s reading for treasure was born. 

Dating in the twenty-first century is far more complicated and technological than it was when I was looking for a partner. Lifehacker’s articles deal with the apps, researching dates, and other nuances that I never had to think about: 

“13 of the Best Dating Apps to Find Love or Mess Around”

“All the Ways You're Being Rude on Dating Apps Without Realizing It”

“This Is How Much Online ‘Stalking’ You Should Do Before a Date”

“How Long Should You Chat on a Dating App Before Meeting Up?”

I haven’t repeated an article before, but this gem from The Atlantic that I included two months ago seems like required reading if you want an egalitarian relationship: “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date as Equals.” 

Finally, a crystal clear statement from Tim Wise:  “Refusing to Date Trump Voters Isn’t Intolerance — It’s Good Taste”

I am currently reading The Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler 

Advice for New Teachers

As another pandemic school year begins, I am concerned about those who are new to teaching. I worry about the first year and young teachers, our pre-service teachers, and newcomers to schools and communities. 

I wish I could go back in time and give myself the benefit of experience before I had any. I wish I could tell my younger self a few things that would have made my students’ and my experience far better. 

But I had to learn it on my own! 

I had mentors and guides who helped me along the way, and much of their wonderful wisdom stayed with me throughout my career. Sometimes I understood their advice and other times it took me years to realize what they were trying to teach me. I hope that, even with the problems of the pandemic, that our new teachers will find nurturing mentors, as I did. 

A little while ago, I was talking to some of my son’s friends who were either training to be teachers or just started teaching. I also had a long conversation with a man who is changing careers to become a teacher. I wanted to give them something practical they could use and straightforward strategies that could accelerate their growth as teachers. I wanted to help them avoid the mistakes I made early in my career. I am well aware they will make many mistakes, but I hoped they might not be the same ones I made. 

In the moment, it was difficult to prioritize – and not pontificate. Like our students, young teachers learn by doing, and words of advice have limited effect. With that limitation in mind, here are a few suggestions for those who are new to their roles in the classroom: 

It is all about relationships: building strong relationships takes time. It is easier to think about units, objectives, targets, tests, grades, and assignments. However, kids learn within the context of a social environment. Just as the presence of certain students can enhance or hinder learning, kids’ relationship with the teacher is the ground in which all learning grows. Like it or not, the kids’ feelings about their teacher are either moving learning forward or making it more difficult. There is no escaping this. We are not programming computers. 

This does not mean the teacher must be a namby-pamby pushover or a buddy-buddy friend. Nor do teachers need to manipulate their students by showing them how cool and connected they are. These are also traps that young teachers may fall into. There is a delicate balance between being a person and being a professional, between being distant and being close. While each teacher must navigate this on their own, they all must be aware that the creation of this relationship is crucial and the most powerful element in the classroom. 

The emotional environment teachers create in the classroom comes before any curriculum; it is the first curriculum. Without learning about the kids, the curriculum is handicapped. Teachers must create means of exploring each individual safely and simply. They might greet kids by name as they enter the room, learn their interests and hobbies, find out about their families and support networks, and look them in the eyes when they are speaking to them. Teachers must show students the respect they would want anyone to show a child anywhere – especially when the children least deserve it.  

Most of all, teachers must actively demonstrate to EVERY student that they like them – even (or especially) when they don’t. They must help EVERY student feel like they are the teacher’s secret favorite. Every student should see the teacher as an advocate and coach, a cheerleader and helper. This doesn’t mean we can’t disagree or discipline. A strong word from someone you respect has far more power than from someone who you think doesn’t like you anyway. 

The teacher must make it okay for kids to say, “I don’t understand,” “Please say that another way,” and “I need help with this.” Teachers should model those behaviors. Let kids teach and help the teacher, too! The classroom should be the safest of spaces and the place where it is okay to take off the teenage mask (even if retaining the one to prevent illness), if only for a few minutes. 

Which means the teacher must be their most authentic self: young teachers feel like they must establish their expertise and authority. Of course, they are unsure of themselves. They think they look weak if their students see them as less skilled than other teachers. The truth is that a new teacher is not as expert as a more experienced teacher. Trying to pretend to be one is a futile act that will certainly not fool students. Kids see through this kind of pretension and are eager to poke holes in the teacher’s false image – but they respect honesty. 

Instead, new teachers should lean into the fact that, like the students, they are learning as they go. They must be candid with kids when they are doing something new, scary, difficult, or complex. New teachers must embrace their neophyte status and enjoy it. I often encourage new staff members to use their “new kid” card as long as they can, “I was supposed to clear this with the assistant principal? I didn’t know that. I am new here,” “I have to call home? No one told me that. I’ll know better next time.” New kid permission goes away quickly. Enjoy it while it is still okay to make those errors. 

While I am clearly advocating being highly authentic in the classroom, there is an exception to this rule. Kids in a classroom are emotional mirrors. If the teacher is angry, soon there will be dozens of angry people in the room. If the teacher is distracted, sad, or anxious, the students will unconsciously amplify and respond to the teacher’s affect. So like the coach going into the locker room to give a pep talk to the team, teachers must have a good game face. To a certain degree, this is pure and simple professionalism. There is nothing wrong with starting a class by saying, “I am struggling today and I need your help.” That is authentic. However, the teacher must then do their best to put those challenges aside and be the best professional they can. While teachers shouldn’t fake the content, they must do their utmost to even out their emotions and put them aside until the kids leave the room. The worst classes I have ever experienced are almost always terrible because of my emotional state before the kids even arrive. A new teacher must ask themselves, “Would I want a classroom full of me right now?” If the answer is no, the teacher must become the person the students should be, if only for the class period! 

Part of teacher self-care is realizing when this is not possible. If my feelings are so powerful that I cannot hold it together in class, that is an indicator that I need to put my own needs first. A teacher’s mental well-being is at least as important as their students’. It is critically important that we take care of our own mental health needs. Just as one would not spread germs if one has a fever (or COVID), one should not come to school if one is in emotional or mental distress.  

Finally, kids come first, grades come second. New teachers get a ton of messages about the importance of assessment, specifically the all-important semester grade. It is often parents’ number one issue. However, the student comes before the grade. Almost without exception, if a teacher is asking themself, “Should I change this grade?” the answer is yes. I have already written, several times, that if ever a teacher thinks or says, “If I do this for you, I will have to do this for everyone,” then it is something that should be done for everyone right away. Grades, too. Grades feel so weighty and laden with meaning and import – and the truth is, they aren’t that important –except in how they reflect that emotional environment. Always round up on grades. Always give kids the benefit of the doubt. Always do what you would want the teacher of your child to do for them! 

Let’s say that again: If my child were in this situation, what would I want their teacher to do? 

Just to make this list too long. Here is an earlier piece I wrote about some things I learned by teaching in the same school my children attended. Some of these items are particularly applicable for new teachers. Some may be for later. 

If a traveler in a blue box comes by and scoops me up to go exploring through time and space, I will request a brief stop at Deerfield High School in the fall of 1986 to whisper a few words in my own ear. I hope I would listen to myself. I think I would. It would then take me a while to figure out how to put my advice in action, but there is no shortcut for that.   

Reading for Treasure: April

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

This photo essay is a celebration of so many good things! The New York Times headline doesn’t begin to describe the celebration of this wonderful piece: “Asian and Asian-American Photographers Show What Love Looks Like.” 

Why are COVID numbers going up when more and more people are being vaccinated? The Atlantic explores the ramifications of acting like one is vaccinated when one is not. The article, “Vaccine Cheat Days Are Adding Up” is a quick exploration of why we need to “‘Just hold on a little longer.’”

The title of my blog should make it clear that I am a huge Mr. Rogers fan. This wonderful little article from The Washington Post defies expectations when the author tells us about, “What happened when I showed vintage Mister Rogers to my 21st-century kids.” It reinforces our continuing need for all the wonderful qualities of Fred Rogers. 

Nonprofit Quarterly published a piece that was originally published on the author, Dax-Devlon Ross’s blog.   “A Letter to My White Male Friends of a Certain Age” asks us to think not only about how racism hurts us, as White people, but to engage with Blackness and step up and really fight it. It is a nuanced and detailed letter that I strongly recommend you read. 

Chicago Tribune reports that “the American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement this week affirming its commitment to protecting the health and well-being of LGBTQ young people and condemning legislation that does the opposite.” Specifically, the AAP opposes recent anti-trans legislation:  “Stop targeting transgender kids in youth sports, says American Academy of Pediatrics. Bravo.” 

Parenting never stops. No matter how old you are or your children’s stage of life, parenting is a lifetime commitment. As most (I really want to say all) teachers will tell you, some parents are far too involved in their children’s activities. When we rob our children of their independence and agency, especially for our own well-being, we stunt their development – at any age. This article from Fatherly, presents “7 Signs You're a Codependent Parent — And What to Do About It.”  

Finally, some good simple advice from Lifehacker; I never thought about the color of my child’s swimsuit or how it might help with their water safety. This article provides some simple commonsense recommendations: “Look at These Safety Color Charts Before You Buy Your Kids' Next Swimsuit”

I am currently reading Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

Reading for Treasure: February

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! Here are some articles to read discussing how we can both mentally and physically protect our children and ourselves:

10 Reasons Teens Have So Much Anxiety Today: This quick article from Psychology Today lists specific reasons that teens today may be much more anxious than we were at their age. It is a good checklist for parents!

Teach Your Kids To Value Empathy Over Tenacity: Years ago, my congregational rabbi’s High Holiday sermon asked, “Would you rather your children be successful or good?” Kids know what we really value by our behavior, even if our actions don’t always match. This short Lifehacker article provides a good example of why empathy should be higher on most parents’ lists.

Encourage Teens to ‘Speak Before You Send’: This Lifehacker article is a great companion to the one above. I think we hear language very differently than we see it. When I just read my text or email in my head, it sounds fine. When I read it aloud, I hear it very differently. This is makes reading aloud a great editing tool – not only for writing skills but for empathy as well.

Bicyclists Should Be Shamed Into Wearing Helmets: This Chicago Tribune column takes a humorous angle on a very simple message: wear a helmet when riding a bike. I love the old man voice in this article. When my kids were growing up, we always said that you only needed to wear a helmet if you had something to protect…

10 quick thoughts on mobile phones in schools: This quick list from Dangerously Irrelevant really says that the problem is not phones. There are other issues and classroom phone struggles are really about teaching, the structure of schools, and the use of technology for learning. I agree!

I’m currently reading The Fated Sky by Mary Robinette Kowal

Dear Senator

Dear Senator,

Thank you for your service to our country. Thank you for the time, thought, and careful attention you are paying to the current impeachment crisis.

It is my hope that what I have to say is not news to you. I think you probably hold all of this in your heart. However, I want you to know that your constituents and the people of the United States are just like you.

When this is all over, and the current administration and turmoil are in our past, we will know a lot more about what has happened in the White House under this president. The truth about his decisions, actions, and behavior will become highly public. There will be books, movies, and more. The current scandal is not the end, whether the president is impeached, removed from office, or even if he is reelected. The truth will come out.

Do not let all the good work you have done and all the good work you have yet to do become a footnote to your defense of this president.

Do not let history remember you as someone who gave in to the bullies, put party over patriotism, and allowed political expediency to trump integrity.

Do not let your legacy be a presidency that goes unchecked, a congress that won’t acknowledge wrongdoing, and a country without a moral center.

Listen to that righteous voice that is telling you to return to your ethical and moral values.

Listen to those people who are urging you to do the right thing.

Listen to your inner sense of truth, justice, and the American way.

You were elected because the people believe you will do what needs to be done, even when it is difficult or costly. It is time to do that.

History will remember you. Your decisions will determine how.

You know this. We know this. I sincerely doubt that my letter will change your mind. However, when these events are years in the past, I urge you to make sure that you are remembered as one of the heroes, not one of the confederates.

Sincerely Yours,

David Hirsch

Parenting By Proxy

Recently, I was listening to an episode of This American Life that talked about parents who were seeking human growth hormones for their children (usually their sons) because they wanted them to be taller. There was nothing medically wrong with their children, they just didn’t want them to be short. They wanted to give them the most advantages they could, and if a drug could give them height, they saw this as a good thing. Of course, you can guess the other part of this equation; these were affluent suburban parents.

In the past, if you were short, you had no choice. Parents of short children, often short themselves, would teach their kids what that meant and how it might be different than being other heights. And even though there is not much long-term data on the effects of synthetic human growth hormone on otherwise healthy kids, parents can now have a cosmetic medical procedure and none of that parenting is necessary.

Similarly, if a child is not doing well in school, a parent can ask the school to do testing. Sometimes that testing shows a learning issue. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes, a child’s performance in class, according to the school, may not even warrant the testing. No problem. Parents can go to doctors and others who will take their money and do the testing. Is it surprising that, when the parent is paying for the testing, often they find something that would suggest that the child should receive special services at school – or a drug to help them focus – or accommodations on testing, such as additional testing time on college entrance exams? Such a deal!

And what about those exams? When I was preparing for college, we just took the test. We looked at the booklet that came with the sign-up sheet to make sure we didn’t fill out the forms incorrectly. I don’t remember my parents being involved at all. That is not the case today –for this same set of affluent parents. There is an industry of people who will tutor and prepare and sculpt and shape children so that they score better and better each time they take the tests!

The whole process of applying to college is so messy. In our house, we limited “college talk” to certain times and days so it didn’t overwhelm us or outshine other important parts of our lives. However, some parents don’t want to be the “bad guys” and nag their kids to finish the applications and essays. They worry that neither they nor their children will be able to meet the high standards that the “best” colleges require. So they get help. They hire people who will “help” them select the “right” schools and take the courses they will need to be admitted. They “assist” students in filling out their applications. Others will “coach” students on their essays. Such a deal!

Many of these moms and dads are more like executive parents. They don’t do the actual parenting. They don’t get their hands dirty or get down in the trenches with the kids. They hire people for that. Their job is to manage all the doctors, tutors, coaches, drugs, teachers, and other helpers who do the real day-to-day parenting.

There is something downright medieval about this. I think of Juliet’s nurse and Juliet’s mother. The nurse is the real parent who knows about the ins and outs of Juliet’s secret affair. Lady Capulet is not only clueless, she is destructive because she believes she knows what is best when in reality, she barely knows her daughter. She only knows the image of her daughter that she wants the world to see.

And therein lies the rub. These parental proxies are trying to make kids into someone’s vision of the best and brightest. The children don’t do the real work. They are led, trained, and directed – and they have had little to no say in the direction they are being marched. They may believe that what their folks want is what they want – or not. It doesn’t really matter.

No wonder, when they finally get out of their parents’ homes, they flounder. The assumption is that, if we provide them with the best proxy parents, they will flourish. The real work of parenting is challenging and difficult. It is a test of values, will, and intelligence. It is a task that must be done with spouses, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, and siblings. But when we farm it out to consultants and concoctions, we risk getting a very different result than when children are helped to become self-sufficient, independent, thoughtful people - by people who love them. 

I wonder who we can hire to be sure our children are kind and empathetic? After all, they are going to select our assisted living facility. Oh, never mind; they’ll hire a consultant to make that decision for them.