Parenting By Proxy

Recently, I was listening to an episode of This American Life that talked about parents who were seeking human growth hormones for their children (usually their sons) because they wanted them to be taller. There was nothing medically wrong with their children, they just didn’t want them to be short. They wanted to give them the most advantages they could, and if a drug could give them height, they saw this as a good thing. Of course, you can guess the other part of this equation; these were affluent suburban parents.

In the past, if you were short, you had no choice. Parents of short children, often short themselves, would teach their kids what that meant and how it might be different than being other heights. And even though there is not much long-term data on the effects of synthetic human growth hormone on otherwise healthy kids, parents can now have a cosmetic medical procedure and none of that parenting is necessary.

Similarly, if a child is not doing well in school, a parent can ask the school to do testing. Sometimes that testing shows a learning issue. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes, a child’s performance in class, according to the school, may not even warrant the testing. No problem. Parents can go to doctors and others who will take their money and do the testing. Is it surprising that, when the parent is paying for the testing, often they find something that would suggest that the child should receive special services at school – or a drug to help them focus – or accommodations on testing, such as additional testing time on college entrance exams? Such a deal!

And what about those exams? When I was preparing for college, we just took the test. We looked at the booklet that came with the sign-up sheet to make sure we didn’t fill out the forms incorrectly. I don’t remember my parents being involved at all. That is not the case today –for this same set of affluent parents. There is an industry of people who will tutor and prepare and sculpt and shape children so that they score better and better each time they take the tests!

The whole process of applying to college is so messy. In our house, we limited “college talk” to certain times and days so it didn’t overwhelm us or outshine other important parts of our lives. However, some parents don’t want to be the “bad guys” and nag their kids to finish the applications and essays. They worry that neither they nor their children will be able to meet the high standards that the “best” colleges require. So they get help. They hire people who will “help” them select the “right” schools and take the courses they will need to be admitted. They “assist” students in filling out their applications. Others will “coach” students on their essays. Such a deal!

Many of these moms and dads are more like executive parents. They don’t do the actual parenting. They don’t get their hands dirty or get down in the trenches with the kids. They hire people for that. Their job is to manage all the doctors, tutors, coaches, drugs, teachers, and other helpers who do the real day-to-day parenting.

There is something downright medieval about this. I think of Juliet’s nurse and Juliet’s mother. The nurse is the real parent who knows about the ins and outs of Juliet’s secret affair. Lady Capulet is not only clueless, she is destructive because she believes she knows what is best when in reality, she barely knows her daughter. She only knows the image of her daughter that she wants the world to see.

And therein lies the rub. These parental proxies are trying to make kids into someone’s vision of the best and brightest. The children don’t do the real work. They are led, trained, and directed – and they have had little to no say in the direction they are being marched. They may believe that what their folks want is what they want – or not. It doesn’t really matter.

No wonder, when they finally get out of their parents’ homes, they flounder. The assumption is that, if we provide them with the best proxy parents, they will flourish. The real work of parenting is challenging and difficult. It is a test of values, will, and intelligence. It is a task that must be done with spouses, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, and siblings. But when we farm it out to consultants and concoctions, we risk getting a very different result than when children are helped to become self-sufficient, independent, thoughtful people - by people who love them. 

I wonder who we can hire to be sure our children are kind and empathetic? After all, they are going to select our assisted living facility. Oh, never mind; they’ll hire a consultant to make that decision for them.