Fear of Saying (or Writing) the Wrong Thing

The wrong thing. There, I wrote the wrong thing. 

White family and friends, is it possible to get past the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing during this struggle for racial justice? Can we move forward and take action rather than perseverating on eggshells? 

Robin DiAngelo called White Fragility the idea that any mention of racism will cause White people, even White people who call themselves anti-racist, to become defensive, self-focused, angry, and/or deny feedback from people of color. If you haven’t heard Dr. DeAngelo speak about this concept, please watch one of her many video interviews. 

We say to ourselves, “If I am not going to be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, then why do so many people challenge me when I do something that is anti-racist and helps the cause? It feels like even when I try to do the right thing, I am wrong!” 

The truth is that we will get it wrong sometimes. While our intentions may be good, we may not yet have the skills, knowledge, or context to do what really needs to be done. We must take feedback, learn how to do better, and then try again. 

White people sometimes deflect feedback from others instead of addressing the substance of the feedback. This is a “I know what you are saying is correct, but couldn’t you say it in a nicer way?” Thus white people don’t have to address their attitudes and choices because the feedback wasn’t presented in a pretty enough box. Nope! 

“But I meant well! Don’t I get credit for that? My intentions were good. I am still learning!” Welcome to the road to hell. Intentions are intangible, but impact is real. The focus on intentions is also a deflection. The effect of our choices is the real measure of their power. No one intends to make an error. The intention is minor, the result matters. We must own those effects, regardless of our intentions. 

As we learn how to be strong, thoughtful, and reflective anti-racist proponents, we will fall down – a lot. Rather than rationalizing our mistakes and dancing around the embarrassing moments when our ignorance or racism slips out, we must take another approach. 

DiAngelo talks about asking people of color, “What would it be like if you could just give white people feedback when we showed our inevitable and often unaware racist assumptions and patterns and had us receive that feedback with grace, reflect, and seek to change our behavior? What would that be like? And I’ll never forget this man of color raising his hand and saying, ‘It would be revolutionary.’” 

Think about the power of this concept: instead of the tap dance of deflect, defend, and deny, we instead say, “Thank you, you’re right. I am going to think about this and do better next time.” Of course, saying this means nothing without real action. 

Think about the power of this kind of dialogue: focusing on the core issue, taking our ego offline, accepting and acknowledging someone else’s point of view, giving their words serious thought, and then altering our choices.  

DiAngelo is right: it might be a revolution! 

UPDATED: Strategies to Avoid Getting Scammed

The scammers are devious. They are increasingly harnessing both technological and psychological weapons to trick people out of their money – especially vulnerable people like the elderly. 

I have written about scams before, and while the articles and advice in those posts are still relevant, the scammers are escalating their tactics and we need to add some more precautions to our anti-scammer protection system. 

For those who don’t want to read much, here are my anti-scamming suggestions (this is an extenion on the list I wrote here): 

Trust your gut: If you even have a slight inkling that the phone call, email, website, text, or other form of communication is a scam: STOP! We frequently have a little voice in the back of our minds that raises the issue, but we don’t pay attention: PAY ATTENTION! 

Just because they have some information about you, even something as private as your social security number, bank account number, credit or debit card number, address, or date of birth, don’t trust them! Scammers can get this information. Bad actors can access private and personal data. Don’t rationalize that, “this can’t be a scam because they have my…”

If the message is urgent, it is likely a scam. If the message is highly sensitive, it is probably a scam. If the message is emotional, it is likely a scam. If the message is shocking, it is likely a scam. Your grandchild is most likely not in danger. No government agency is coming after you. No one has hacked into your bank account. “You can’t tell anyone,” is a huge red flag! When the person on the phone or the email screams that the house is on fire and you must trust them to put it out, hang up and do the thing next on this list. 

Contact the agency or person in question the way you normally do! If the email or caller says they are from your bank, hang up and call your bank. If they say that there has been a car accident and your relative needs help, call that relative (and if you can’t reach them, call someone close to them whom you trust). As the photo shows, links can look like they are correct and lead you to the wrong website. If you have a browser bookmark for your brokerage account, use that link– never click on links in texts or emails! 

Don’t give ANYONE your private information. Period. Don’t confirm your private information. Period. Of course, if you call your doctor, banker, broker, or other trusted source, you can do that. However, if someone contacts you and claims to be from their office – or even sounds like them – nope! 

Fakes are easy to create! Scammers can spoof phone numbers, so don’t trust the caller ID. Spammers can fake people’s voices, so just because it sounds like that person doesn’t mean it is that person. Spammers make website addresses, links, emails, and phone numbers look like the real thing. That is why you must always use the contact information that you have used in the past and know 100% is, in fact, the real thing – not the link, email address, phone number, or other method that they are feeding you. 

If there is even a tiny chance you are on the phone with a scammer: hang up! Then contact the organization using your regular contact method. Pro tip: if you are on a cell phone call and turn it to airplane mode, the person on the other end will see a “call failed” message. To really sell it, do this in the middle of a sentence or word. 

Don’t use passwords, passcodes, PIN numbers, or other private unlocking strategies in public - EVER. Don’t unlock your phone at the bar. Go inside the bank and cover your PIN number with your hand at the ATM – or better yet, use a teller. Never use passwords on public wifi networks. Learn to use passcodes like your face, fingerprint, watch, or USB keys. 

Don’t do strangers favors: Lots of scammers take advantage of your good nature. They ask to use your credit card at the gas pump because they only have cash. They ask you to loan them money. They ask all sorts of things. The answer is no! While sometimes, they really are people in need: more often, they are scammers. Give to charities and social service agencies and call them when people are in need - if people approach you directly, be suspicious. 

If you have other strategies, send them to me and I will add them here (and credit you, if you are okay with that – I can also credit you with just a first name or initials). 

Here are a few articles to give you the flavor of what scammers are doing: 

“Lake Co. Resident Nearly Loses $20K In PayPal Scam”

“AARP sounding alarm on fraud, offering helpful resources to victims”

“10 Security Settings That Protect Your iPhone From Thieves”

“How to Avoid Pump Switching Scams at the Gas Station” 

“How to Protect Your Parents From Elder Fraud and Scams”

“How to Protect Your Finances From Identity Theft”

“This 'IRS Letter' Is a Scam”

“These Financial ‘Experts’ Got Scammed, so You Can Too (Really)”

UPDATE: 

Some dear friends replied and added the following:

Beware when the person texting you says they can’t or won’t answer a phone call from you because they are “driving”… it’s really because you would instantly recognize that they are not who you think you are texting. If you think about it, people who are driving would really prefer talking over texting as that would be safer!

Many scammers are from foreign countries and English is not their native language. Therefore, be aware that even the SLIGHTEST English grammar or syntax error should alert you that the person is a foreign scammer who has a high level but not perfect proficiency in speaking English.  Even a SINGLE WORD misused that would not be said that way by a native English speaker should be a huge red flag to you.

If a person asks you to pay for an item via Zelle be aware that, unlike a credit card payment, money sent by Zelle cannot be retracted or credited even if you later can verify it was sent to a scammer. Never use a phone number or email link sent by the person to make a Zelle payment, as your money is probably not going to the person you think it is.

If you are purchasing an item and the main message to you focuses on receiving the payment rather than the details of the item itself that should clue you into the fact that all they want is to get your money from you.

If you are communicating with someone via Facebook messenger and then switch to texting but they won’t talk out loud by phone call that’s a clue that they are trying to hide their true identity.

If the party refuses to take a check as payment and insists on using electronic payment via Zelle, Venmo, or PayPal that’s a clue that it’s a scammer, as the scammer wouldn’t be able to cash your check, especially if located in a foreign country,

If the person selling an item says you need to pay them because other people are also trying to buy the same item, be aware that it’s probably a lie and trick to make you pay sooner rather than later.

Try to buy items from established online retailers like Amazon, Wal-Mart, etc, and not from Facebook marketplace or unknown retailers.

If someone asks you to text back a Google phone code and you do they might create a Google Voice phone number that links to your phone, thus compromising your phone! 

Beware of scammers who say that they are checking that you are not the scammer! How ironic! 

Thank you to my friends for these strategies! 

Privacy Protections Not TikTok Bans

When I was in the classroom (I’m retired), I wanted to keep up with my students’ technology trends. I wanted to know what interested and engaged my students. I was aware of social media when My Space, Friendster, and eventually, Facebook came out. However, it wasn’t until I signed up for an account on Facebook that I really understood what all the fuss was about. Reading about teen culture is one thing, diving in is very different. 

When TikTok came out, I didn’t hear kids talking about it. I had an account on Instagram and I found the “stories” slow and often duplicates of images and ideas from other posts. My students seemed more involved in other platforms like Snapchat.

Two years ago, on vacation, my twenty-something daughter (our family trailblazer) showed me the TikTok videos she was watching. We spent an hour or more laughing together. It was delightful. 

She showed me that TikTok was more than comedy videos. She was learning about smart homes, cooking, and other do-it-yourself skills. So, I signed up. I found TikTok the most entertaining of my social media sources. I like Facebook for personal connections, but TikTok was way more engaging and thus time-consuming. 

There, I said it. Despite the controversy, the fear of foreign manipulation, or the theft of my personal data, I like TikTok because it is the most entertaining, edifying, and enjoyable social media site I have found - and I have tried almost all of them. 

I like TikTok’s variety of content. I am following folks reviewing and talking about books, science fiction, Star Trek, theatre, education, religion, health, social issues – and, of course, politics. I hear about people’s perspectives and experiences. I learn about music, linguistics, science, education, and technology. 

While our lawmakers are worried about espionage, misinformation, and unethical use of my information, my concern is more about the way kids may be using social media (on any of its platforms). I am told that kids are using TikTok instead of search engines and it has become a mediator of the internet for them. Yet, this is a problem with many social media platforms, not just TikTok. Kids must be taught both critical thinking skills and how to seek and evaluate information they find online. 

And yes, I have Marshall McLuhan in my head at times asking something like, does viewing short, clever, and easy to digest videos about such important topics as race, religion, and the culture wars minimize and trivialize these complex issues? Is it also possible that this medium has made messages both more available and powerful to a new audience? 

Yet, when some legislators seem to want people to go to sleep rather than confront anything that might kick their complacency, worrying about quick videos seems the least of our troubles. The issue is not the form or the ownership. The issue is that social media can foment hate and violence. The issue is that kids can learn wonderful and wholesome lessons as well as destructive and dangerous ones. But that is a problem with all social media platforms, not just TikTok. In fact, that is an issue on and off the internet. 

Should we be concerned about privacy? Of course. At this point, it is more than a cliché statement that if you don’t pay for a service, you are the product. TikTok is getting my attention. But that, too, happens with every social media platform. 

Do I make purchasing decisions based on TikTok, Facebook or other online ads: not consciously. Will I? Perhaps. I am thinking about buying some of the products that the home automation guy on TikTok has been demonstrating (but I haven’t done it yet). I do go to some of the websites that I learn about from the people who demonstrate “useful websites I’ll bet you didn’t know about.” 

I know I am leaving digital footprints. They are far deeper than my use of TikTok. I find Facebook’s targeted ads creepy. But the use of my data is the price I am paying for this service. Should the government make sure that Facebook, TikTok, and others use my data ethically? Absolutely!  

Burying our heads in analog sand (or staying asleep) is not going to help either. Our world is now, at least in part, online. We must be informed and connected. TikTok has, on several occasions, informed me about important issues long before they appeared in my news feeds. Snapchat doesn’t work for me. I find Instagram slow and self-indulgent. Facebook is a way to stay connected to distant folks. I don’t go to social media to be angry or argue. I don’t go to feel good about myself or look down at others. I go to learn, connect, explore, and laugh. I hear authentic voices that I might not hear in real life (IRL). 

Banning TikTok doesn’t make us personally or communally safer. Creating legislation that protects users against inappropriate and unethical use of their data might. Like other industries, social media, and perhaps the internet in general, could use some consumer protections – in order to do this, lawmakers need to become much more knowledgeable about today’s technology! 

The Kind of Person You Are!

You are a good person. You are a person of integrity and strong beliefs. You are a person who is thoughtful and emotionally aware. Sometimes, you get angry. Sometimes, you are disappointed and feel like this country is heading down the wrong path. 

You are not racist, sexist, or any of those things. You work hard to be fair and keep an open mind. You admit that you sometimes judge people, but that is a normal human response. What counts is how you judge - not based on skin color or wealth or religion or any of those things, but on how people function as human beings. 

While you are subject to the whims and impulses that flesh is heir to, you consider yourself logical. You may not be Mr. Spock, but you are reasonable and rational. You consider a situation carefully and look closely at the details, facts, and history before rendering an opinion. 

You are not afraid to admit when you are wrong or to change your point of view when you learn new things. Like many of us, you dislike changing your opinion, but you see it as a sign of growth. 

You see disagreement as a way to discover more about other people and enhance your understanding of them and the world. Such conversations are opportunities to deepen both the relationships and your own perceptions. 

Fairness and consistency are critical. While there are rules that are wrong, for the most part, rules should be obeyed and those who do not obey them should face consequences. Although there are people who feel like they are so special that they should have the right to walk over everyone and do whatever they want, rules should apply to everyone the same way. You have worked hard to be an evenhanded person when dispensing this kind of justice and, although sometimes begrudgingly, accepted it when it was your turn to receive it. 

The only way any of us moves forward is to help one another. You believe in charity, giving, and being your brothers’ and sisters’ helper. People have reached out to you when you needed it and you do your best to pay that forward. 

You stand by your promises. You do what you say you are going to do. You have little respect for those who talk a lot and do very little. You believe that there are obligations that we must fulfill, whether it is to our family, community, nation, or the world at large. Sometimes, you have had to remind people that everything is not just about them! 

Your sense of yourself is not bound up in any one particular thing. You have strong philosophical beliefs, but you are more than that. Your family connections are very important, but that is not all there is to you. You are complex. 

You do not respect people who take advantage of the weak, old, or vulnerable. You will not be scared into decisions or let fear drive your choices. You do not like cheaters, spoiled sports, or bullies. Those who work hard should reap the fruits of their labor while the lazy, entitled, and selfish should not be allowed to profit from others’ efforts. 

You work hard to be honest with yourself. Sometimes, you excuse bad behavior of those you like or are critical of good acts of those you find objectionable, but even as you do this, you realize it is not consistent with how you see yourself. You would not want to be judged that way. 

You are practical. You rarely engage in flights of fancy, except perhaps as a mental exercise or an occasional lark. You believe that the simplest and most straightforward explanations are usually correct and when people have to twist themselves into pretzels to justify or explain something, you are suspicious. 

Sometimes you have trouble trusting people. You want to believe that people are naturally good, but that doesn’t fit with all you have experienced. You agree that most people want to be good, but don’t always make good choices for a variety of reasons. You can forgive some of them, sometimes. Forgiving is one thing, but it doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be duped or conned. 

When you were younger, you would sometimes say and do things to get the approval of your friends or authorities, even when you did not agree with them. You recognize that this is also a normal and human thing to do, but as an adult, you do not conform with the majority when it is not authentic. You are willing to champion an unpopular view when you believe in it and you resist yielding to social pressure.

You would make a good judge. You weigh facts before making decisions. You are slow to anger. You try to see things from the other person’s point of view. The world is not just good and bad, near and far, rich and poor, but is far more complicated. 

When your heroes and leaders reveal their feet of clay, you are disappointed, but not surprised.  You feel uplifted when they make things better, and like a disheartened parent, are saddened when they behave badly. But they, like all of us, should face the consequences of our choices. You strongly believe that no one is above that. No one has the right to get away with misdeeds. No one, you insist, is above the law. That would be unfair and would cause or society to collapse. 

Of course, there are people who think the rules do not apply to them. You have encountered these people too frequently. You pity them as much as dislike them. While it isn’t usually your job to remind them that they are human, too, you have taken perhaps too much pleasure in knocking some of them down a peg or two. 

You vote. You pay your taxes. You obey the laws. You go to the courthouse when you are called for jury duty. You are a good citizen. You believe that we all should support our communities. 

You are charitable. You give to the poor, sick, and those who have had bad luck. You hope you will never be on the other side of that, but you hope that, if you were ever in need, people would help you. 

You could never support a candidate for office who you knew to be cheating, lying, or hurting people. That would not be consistent with who you are. You would never give your backing to someone who was selfish, spoiled, or hateful.  You would not turn your back to all you are and all you hold dear to follow a seductive smooth-talking charlatan! You are not a sucker or a hypocrite! You wouldn’t be able to face yourself in the mirror if you did. 

Reading for Treasure: Banned, Burnt, Beautiful Books

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

Too many people want to control the books that are taught in classrooms or available in libraries. I saw a meme that read, “If you’re afraid that books might change someone’s thinking, you’re not afraid of books, you’re afraid of thinking.” While these challenges may also be attempts to prevent children from learning about specific issues, that is not their main objective. There is no doubt that the rise in book challenges and restrictive legislation is not about learning, protecting children, age-appropriate texts, or making kids uncomfortable. Children can find these books and ideas so easily. Banning books is political, manipulative, and a dangerous attack on our open and free society. Here are some articles about the issue, the politics, and the books. 

What do we know about banning books? Here is a list of articles from Literary Hub to help you learn about the history, purpose, and politics of trying to censor literature. “Recommended Reading for Banned Book Week.” 

In a second Literary Hub article, Deborah Applebaum explores ways that teachers can approach controversial or challenged texts in the classroom and make the questions about them part of the lesson: “Teaching Literature in the New Culture Wars: Some Alternative Approaches.” 

In this fascinating NewsOne Op-ed, Helen Kapstein compares the techniques and purposes of censorship in Aparthaid South Africa to what is happening in the United States now: “When It Comes To Book Bans America Could Learn From Apartheid South Africa.”

Clarence Page, of the Chicago Tribune, writes about his love of banned books: “Here’s why I celebrate banned books.”

Are you surprised I have a third article from Literary Hub on this topic? This spot-on article addressed a key issue: “The Purpose of Book Bans Is to Make Queer Kids Scared.” There is no doubt that challenges to books that deal with BIOPOC and LGBTQ+ topics are a form of bullying. It is designed to further marginalize these communities.

A high school student in California, Sungjoo Yoon, writes about how her liberal community banned books and why she opposed it in this New York Times Op-ed: “I’m a High School Junior. Let’s Talk About ‘Huckleberry Finn’ and ‘Mockingbird.’”

Finally, not exactly banned books, but books that explore the restrictions on woman’s reproductive rights. This article from CNN has some great titles on it, “6 books beyond 'The Handmaid's Tale' that explore the loss of reproductive rights.”

I am currently reading War for the Oaks by Emma Bull. 

Where are the Guardian Angels?

The shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas is overwhelming. Each time I think about the horrible events of May 24, I find it is so painful that I need to deflect to something else, anything else. The thought of that kind of loss is nearly too difficult to imagine.  

I was teaching the day that Laurie Dann walked into Hubbard Woods Elementary School in Winnetka and began shooting. My school moved to “red alert,” which was designed to prevent senior pranks, when it was reported that the shooter was headed northwest. My school is only a few miles northwest of Hubbard Woods. This was more than thirty years ago. 

There are no words to console a grieving parent or partner. There is no pain I can imagine worse than the death of a child. It is so hideous and powerful and painful. Why must parents keep experiencing loss because of school shootings? 

What is wrong with us that we refuse to protect our children sitting in their classrooms? What is wrong with us that we argue about the rights of children not yet born, but we refuse to protect fourth graders? How can people rush to protect gun rights at the cost of children’s lives?  Anyone who has worked in education knows that putting more guns in school will not address this problem. It is a false fantasy solution that ignores everything we know about these situations. 

Even the National Rifle Association prohibits guns at its convention! Arming teachers will work, but having a convention full of gun owners won’t? I don’t understand. 

Let’s start a new organization: No Retro Abortions. This organization would advocate that we ban abortions beyond the 15-week or 3-month or the latest of late-term timelines and argue that even abortions that take place after birth should be forbidden. The organization could be called by its initials: N.R.A. 

Recently, I read a short story called, “Mr. Death” by Alix Harrow. The story is nominated for the prestigious Hugo award, and.I read the nominees every year so I vote for the winners. 

This fantasy story follows a relatively new “reaper” who ferries souls across the river of death. He is given assignments and then sits with the person as they die and accompanies them to the other side. However, as the story opens, he is given a horrible assignment: a child of only 30 month: a two year old. 

Our focal character has deep misgivings and does his best to rationalize and justify the child’s death. But he can’t. He lost his own child and has experienced this kind of pain first hand. As the story proceeds, he moves from giving the child a little extra time to being unable to complete his assignment. He refuses to complete the assignment even though it will mean much more than losing his job, it will probably mean he will be consigned to oblivion. 

If you are going to read the story, this is the place to stop reading. I am about to spoil it. Read the story and come back or skip to the paragraph beginning, “Lovers of life…” 

Here is the connection: when our reaper refuses to take the child and is willing to sacrifice everything, he is surprised to find that he is transformed. He is no longer a reaper and instead, he is a guardian. He stands beside the child as a  protector. 

Lovers of life, pro-choice, pro-life, we need guardians now. Our children need us all to become angels who protect them: in their classrooms, churches, synagogues, movie theaters, and homes. Not with more instruments of death, but with thoughtful and rational laws and rules. Other countries do this; we can do this. 

Can we transform from partners of death to protectors of life? The Supreme Court will soon rule about how the unborn should be protected. What about the newly born? What about the fourth graders? What about our children and grandchildren? 

Thou shall not murder. Put down your weapon and accept your wings. Protect the children. Please. 

Has It Really Been Only Two Years of COVID? It Feels Much Longer.

Part1: Time

For many years, I have made a family calendar as a Father’s Day gift with photos from the prior year. The calendar starts in July of the current year. Of course, some of the photos must be older than one year because I start putting the calendar together a few months early to get it ready and printed. March is that border. The photos are from one year old until April then they are two years old. 

As I turned the page on my calendar, the photos shocked me. This was no April fool joke. They were from the first month of the pandemic. I had a moment when I thought I messed up and included much older photos. I had the opposite of déjà vu is: I felt like the photos could not be only two years old. They felt ancient. 

I have written about the experience of having my adult-ish kids return home and leave – several times during the first year of the pandemic. I have written about my fears of COVID and working hard to get everyone to take precautions. But this was different. 

What struck me, as 2020 appeared on my calendar, was the power of doubt and distance. We are just returning to a kind of normal. I am still wearing a mask when I go to a store, which I am doing more often than I did in 2020, but still infrequently. Yet, there are people who act as if the whole horrible situation is over and gone. I hope they are right. 

I can’t say the second year of COVID moved quickly, but those photos from two years ago feel further from my present. Did this year feel like several years? It didn’t feel that slow while I was living it. I was busy and days flew by.  But now, as I glance backward, the reverse route seems to stretch back well beyond only two years. 

Part 2: Weight 

I don’t think the issue is just about my perception of time; it is also about the enormity of the past two years. There were many major milestones. If I had to carry them all, it would be more than I could handle. Maybe it is the emotional weight of the past two years, the anxiety, fear, relief, and hope – and that cycle repeating over and over. 

I remember riding a Superman roller coaster at a theme park many years ago. Instead of sitting in a seat, the riders were placed in a prone position, as if they were Superman flying. However, it didn’t feel that way. I felt like I was squatting on all fours and the only thing preventing me from dropping to a horrible death was the support under my belly. With roller coasters restraints that pushed me into a chair, I had the illusion I could hang on to something if the bar in front of me released. If this Superman tummy thing broke, my only hope was that I really could fly. I guess I’d fly for a few seconds. When the ride ended, all I felt was relief. 

I haven’t become accustomed to that lack of control, helplessness, and unpredictability. I carry them with me. My mask may come on and off, but I am always carrying the concern and worry (and the mask!). And when hope appears, I am suspicious and tentative. When nothing bad happens, I am grateful and relieved. 

Part 3: Balance

Right now, we are in a COVID sweet spot. People are behaving as if they believe this whole horrible two-year-long episode is over. I hope they are right, but I feel certain they are wrong. I want to take off my mask, but I am afraid of what might happen to the people I love. 

Predictability is one of the many causalities of this pandemic. Uncertainty has become a permanent resident. Every choice feels like placing a bet in a casino, without the fun thrill. 

Reading news of the world is horrifying. I give to charities and do what I can to assist, but it never seems like enough. I am frustrated by politics. I scream at the television and lament my fellow citizens’ clannishness. It is overwhelming. I face the issue and then, having looked at it, wish I could close my senses and retreat.

I am tempted to quote Dickens (and some of you know my deep relationship with the work I am about to reference), but I am so grateful that these past two years were not the worst of times – for me. They were for so many – and continue to be horrible! There were some moments that ironically felt like the best of times. My children were home, then they left. We were all together and could support each other - and then we were apart and on our own again.

Part 4: Now

It was two years ago that the world got sick. It has only become more so and in ever-increasingly complex ways. Denying what we have experienced feels disrespectful to all of those who have suffered. Selfishly focusing on my people will not protect them. I wish the pandemic were truly over. I will do what the public health folks tell me is best for our collective health, but I am painfully aware that this is a group project – and like these projects back in school, too many members of our group are not doing their fair share. The good may not balance out the bad. Our current health may not protect us against future illness. 

Yes, I must learn to cherish now – and consider how to help others while preparing for an uncertain future. But I should not sacrifice present joys to future anxieties and horrors. I can be grateful for my good fortune, help those who are struggling, and stay grounded in this positive potential. These past decades, I mean years, have taught me how agonizingly fragile the present might be. 

Are We Still In Danger?

I am wearing a watch again. I haven’t worn my watch since the middle of February last year when it stopped working. Sometime in the fall of 2021, I got it fixed. I still didn’t wear it. 

I always carried a pen in my pocket. Since I was a high school English teacher, I was constantly writing. I continued this habit into retirement, but like the watch, I didn’t wear it when I no longer left the house. 

Since my second vaccine shot, I have adopted both habits again. Part of the reason is practical: I am going out more. I would prefer my own pen when I sign something. My Sunday school class moved from Zoom to meeting distantly in a park and checking my watch was far better than looking at my phone. 

But it is more than that. After fifteen months, I got a haircut. I went into a grocery store for the first time. I am starting to do things I did before COVID, albeit with much more trepidation and anxiety.  

Recently, when traveling to a nearby city to move my son, my family and I ate inside a restaurant. I felt anxious despite the fact that our table was far from all but one other table and there was a Plexiglas barrier separating us. I felt like I was doing something dangerous. 

Later, standing in line in a grocery store, I stood behind two older women whose masks were well below their noses. People were not distant, but our carts were almost six feet, right? I let them move ahead and tried to leave lots of space between us, which is difficult to do in a busy supermarket. 

On the drive home, after I filled up the car, I went into the gas station minimart and used the bathroom. I wore my KN95 mask as I rushed in and, as I was hurrying through my business, I thought, “I am not in danger here.” I slowed down. 

The mindset that going out could endanger my health and the wellbeing of those I love is overpowering. My worry about the welfare of my family whom I don’t see daily has been one of the greatest stressors of the pandemic. After my parents received their vaccination, my anxiety decreased significantly, especially when we learned it was safe to be inside with them! When my children, my wife, and I were vaccinated, I was surprised that my worries didn’t decrease as much as I thought they would. 

I want to let go of the heavy worries now that my entire family is vaccinated, but the habit has become well ingrained. I am concerned that we, as a country, are not yet ready to drop the precautions. I foresee more issues ahead. Is it too soon to let my guard down? Is that my anxiety speaking or am I just being prudent? Are we in danger here? 

I am not sure. The pandemic is not over simply because I have more freedom of movement. There are significant challenges here and abroad that could bring us right back to lockdown. 

But I am wearing a watch and pen again. Now, the CDC says I do not need to wear a mask much of the time and I am struggling with that. When I go into a building, I still wear a mask and I try to be quick. I am leery and timid at the same time I am excited and relieved. 

What will it take for the pandemic to feel over? What needs to happen so that I feel confident enough to take off the mask and linger in front of the card section at the store? After more than a year of sheltering, when will I feel like I no longer need to take special precautions? 

Not yet. 

The Year Concludes: Looking Back at 2020 - Part 4

November started without the kids. This had been my life when I retired, but in March my son came home, then my daughter and her puppy in May. They stayed for more than 100 days and then left together for D.C. 

My children’s phone calls were a mainstay of my day. The boomerang of a full house turning empty wasn’t working for me. I love being with my children. I love being together – and that puppy is joyful! I missed them. 

My son was could look for a job anywhere. He was networking, taking seminars, and doing interviewing – and helping his sister. It was delightful that my children got along so well that they could live together –without their parents- for long stretches of time. I was overjoyed. I just wanted to be overjoyed together. 

At home, things continued as they had for months. I kept walking – just without a dog. I walked with my wife daily and usually took a second walk listening to podcasts. 

Since we were home all the time, the house was showing the strain: the front deadbolt wasn’t turning, the dishwasher died, the light switch in the bathroom cracked, we could no longer use the kids’ shower. 

We were reminded constantly of our fragility by the ever-rising COVID numbers and the parade of passings. It felt like condolences were one of the few things we had in plenty. 

Although the election was at the beginning of November, the discussion about the results dragged on. There were constant cries of fraud without any evidence. I worried that those trying to create alternative election results would bend reality. 

My Sunday Confirmation Class was a port in this storm. My co-teacher and I had challenging conversations with our students about everything that was going on. The kids were eager to wrestle with issues, values, ideas, and especially politics. We had a guest speaker and began to take virtual field trips. 

Thanksgiving was stressful. The kids planned to return and everyone would quarantine and test. The kids isolated in DC, we did the same in Deerfield, and my folks stayed in their home, but everyone had exceptions: doctor appointments, errands of mercy, physical therapy. Beyond the usual Thanksgiving stress, we worried about testing and contagion. 

Since it was just the two of us at home, cleaning the basement moved quickly. I finally got a call from the Illinois Department of Employment Security and filed a police report, contacted the Social Security Administration, the IRS, and changed all of my passwords. It was work to ensure the fraudsters did not gain access to my digital life. 

The election was often a focus. I watched What the Constitution Means To Me. Yet, the controversy dragged on. The president would not concede despite the clear evidence he had lost. It felt like a losing team refusing to shake the winners’ hands at the end of a game. 

We had our last Loyola classes. Our teacher was in Hawaii! We learned with this group for a year and a half, so it was sad to end on Zoom. We are hoping for a reunion when it is safe. I stayed connected to the activities and people at Deerfield High School. I saw a beautiful online choral festival concert, a discussion of the fall play, and a spectacular video holiday extravaganza. 

I was extremely anxious about a dental cleaning. I have rarely been so nervous about anything. Increasingly, I worried that even having six of us together for Thanksgiving was too dangerous. We saw friends on Zoom or FaceTime since the temperatures dropped. 

Friends of many years picked up and moved to Michigan. We attended an online library program with Ibrim Kendi. I sent the woman who cuts my hair a check since I was not going to her shop. I worked hard to stay in touch with friends, family, former colleagues, and others. 

The house was quiet, calm, and very clean, but we were eager for the kids’ return They shipped stuff ahead. Days before they got on the road, my son’s computer died. We talked about backing up and data recovery. 

Daylight saving time gave us a nice extra hour of sleep. We changed all the batteries in the smoke detectors and things were beeping for a week! My wife was feeling much more like herself and we took longer walks despite the cold. 

Finally, the kids returned. I wore a mask when I picked up my rental car and didn’t realize it was a smoking car. It smelled horrible. It was only a few hours to South Bend. It was incredible to have everyone together again. 

Two former students reconnected out of nowhere: surprise blessings. My Confirmation class took a virtual field trip to the Unitarian Church and still wanted to talk about politics. I continued my book clubs, played games with the kids in the evening, and got way too excited about virtual backgrounds on Zoom. 

We had a family discussion via Zoom about Thanksgiving. We defined what were and were not acceptable risks. My son and I were tested at our doctor’s office. My wife and daughter waited in a five-hour line at the Department of Health and their results didn’t arrive until days after Thanksgiving! My folks were tested, too. Great to be negative! 

We slipped into the old routine made new by the weather. Walking the dog was now a colder endeavor, but just as joyous. My son started interviewing for jobs and was getting second, third, and fourth interviews! I organized our annual meeting for our homeowners association. We picked up food from restaurants in Evanston and walked around town. The dog had his own playdates. 

I found a way to let my folks see Zoom calls on their large TV instead of just on their computers, but I couldn’t do it distantly. As Thanksgiving approached, my anxiety grew. Planning the Thanksgiving menu was complicated. We put ingredients on our Instacart orders, got things online, and did our best to prepare distantly. 

I watched Star Trek: Voyager during my morning workouts and Star Trek: Discovery as it was released. These shows were so comforting as the world became increasingly frightening. 

Thanksgiving arrived! My daughter cooked and we assisted. We awkwardly wore masks when we were not eating. It was wonderful to be together. We hadn’t shared a meal this way in months. While we were anxious about COVID, being together was happy and healing. The next day, I went to my parents’ house and fixed all their tech issues. 

In addition to her regular job, my daughter organized a conference on teleheath with her health policy society. The kids and I played Settlers of Catan in the evenings. I continued to tutor, teach Sunday school, and go to online events. I arranged for another distant field trip with a church in Chicago and a Buddhist temple in Michigan. 

My daughter cooked and baked and everything was delicious! I washed lots of dishes! My son’s new computer arrived and he vowed to back up more often. We had another Zoom call with the DHS retirees and created a retiree directory. The dog needed a vet visit for tummy issues. 

For Hanukah, we got my parents virtual tickets to see some music shows. On the first night of Hanukah, all of us visited the Botanic Gardens for a light show. It was great to be together, distantly and outdoors. My wife could now walk through the displays without pain. 

The weather varied from quite cold to warm enough to eat outdoors. My daughter took some time off. We made it vacation-like by ordering in brunch and bringing in a few more dinners. Friends dropped off cookies and latkes, which were special and sweet. We sent notes, gifts, and thank yous. We drove through a neighborhood in Chicago famous for Christmas light decorations. 

Holiday food flooded the fridge. The dog preferred the TV remote. My wife organized a gift drive through the congregation. We had a mountain of presents in our yard! The kids watched West Wing. 

My son signed up for webinars, seminars, and classes as he interviewed for jobs. He made lists of things for an apartment. We hiked in the woods, learned to play Ticket to Ride, and dressed warmly. Our daughter made plans to go back to DC in January. The new dishwasher finally arrived! I started planning the congregation’s twentieth anniversary instead of washing dishes. 

The weather was still in the 20s and sometimes up into the 50s at the end of December, so we met my parents for outdoor walks. We thought that meant winter would be mild; we were wrong! My wife took the family to Rogers Park for a tour of her old neighborhood and stories of her childhood. One the way home, we went through Skokie past my childhood home.

We were Zooming for everything: conversations with friends, Shabbat services, funerals, shivas, and even another reunion of my college science fiction club! I helped a congregation in Michigan discuss renaming. We traveled further from home to try new restaurants. The kids put my daughter’s game console on our TV and played video games together. My wife bonded with the dog by feeding him salmon. My daughter helped her brother with his resume. 

Healthcare folks were getting the vaccine, but I was still very anxious. The COVID numbers were up and yet we saw photos of people traveling. How could they do that? We sent money to our snowplow service because there hadn’t been any snow– until December 29th. 

I was walking the dog when it started snowing. The dog loved it! He kept going outside to catch snowflakes and roll! Snow became a mainstay of his diet. 

My daughter’s work did not let up. Holidays or not, she worked ten-hour days or longer. It was good she was home and we could help her make all the pieces fit. 

As 2020 ended, we were together. I tried not to think about how soon we would be separated. The year ended unceremoniously, but we were healthy, happy, and home. 

The Pandemic Proceeds: Looking Back at 2020, Part 2- April and May

February and March introduced us to COVID-19. In April, it moved in. I was living in a state of heightened anxiety. After each walk outside, trip to the gas station, store, or anywhere, I scrubbed my hands. I felt like I was being hunted by an invisible foe. 

April felt like the month of cancelations. We canceled our plans to visit our daughter in D.C. I co-teach the Confirmation Class at our congregation. and we canceled the service and prepared to move it online. We had planned a special family trip to Norway and we began taking it apart. We canceled all service people coming into our home. We canceled our plans to attend weddings, which were then canceled. It was a very different version of cancel culture. 

Meanwhile, my book club chose to read The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. Strangely, a story of duel pandemics was comforting. 

My friends at Deerfield High School were struggling to teach students online. Students were distracted, upset, and often absent. Teachers were trying to balance their own families’ needs and take care of students. Teaching in an online environment was new to everyone! I helped a few teachers map routes through Deerfield so they could drop off gifts, goodies, and greetings at their students’ homes. 

May years ago, I recorded A Tale of Two Cities on audio as a teaching text. I read and taught it. My colleagues were teaching this way all the time, but it only seemed like the worst of times. 

We made trips to grocery stores wearing gloves. We brought my parents groceries and they brought us food, too. Every time we saw toilet paper, we grabbed it! Our prescriptions arrived by mail. 

It looked like we might want masks, so I ordered some from a DHS alumnus whose business made bed linens and was now making masks. I ordered a lot: some for us, some for the rest of the family. 

I set my parents up on Zoom and helped them use it. I found an old lamp in the basement that would give me more face light when I was on a video call. 

We began to meet people on our patio, outside, masked and distanced. We still called, texted, emailed, and video chatted regularly too. We continued our effort to stay in touch and reach out to friends and family. 

I started a group sourced poem called “When This is Over” on Facebook and published it here. The end of this time felt far closer then than it does now.  

My anxiety kept rising. My emotions were very close to the surface and I had to remind myself frequently about what I could or could not control. 

Many of the appliances in the house were running far more than in the past. My wife needed ice on her back several times a day. We ran the dishwasher constantly and it was spitting out strange melted pieces of plastic. I didn’t even want to think about what would occur if the computer broke or we lost our internet connection! 

Before the pandemic, we spent a great deal of time with my parents, and now we feared that these visits might kill them. We met on patios, but it wasn’t enough. They were still not in the same place about the gravity of the situation. My mother would mock my precautions and tell me to hide in the basement when she was coming over. We would call daily and see each other at least once a week outdoors. 

My wife recovered from her surgery, but she was in the same condition as she was before the surgery. We had unsatisfying telehealth visits with the surgeon. My wife tried shots in her spine. No help. New meds. Didn’t work. Her MRIs looked exactly like the ones from January! She started physical therapy. We looked for a new surgeon and talked about a second surgery! 

We were concerned about our daughter who was working long hours on the Federal Government’s response to COVID in D.C. Our public health expert was going to work herself sick. How do you help someone who is 600 miles away? 

I signed up for an online service that alerted me when disinfecting wipes became available. I was able to buy some once or twice. We shared them with everyone! 

Passover was online. I wondered if it was safe to go to doctor or dental appointments. I was hesitant to go into a building for anything! Although the weather was getting better, the list of people who had died grew longer. Several friends on social media talked about their experience wrestling with COVID. I attended more Zoom funerals and saw postings about the loss of loved ones. 

Throughout the spring, we brought in the mail wearing gloves and then left it on the dining room table for three days before opening it; then we washed our hands. 

Restaurants started doing curbside pick up and we began to order out more. I made signs for the cars that said, “Order for Hirsch, please” on one side and “Thank you” on the other. I participated in a birthday car parade for a friend’s sixtieth. 

The pull of college was still strong for our son. His a capella group wanted to make a video of the concert they planned for the spring. That would mean traveling back to Ohio for several days and staying somewhere – and then singing, an activity that was highly problematic. While he knew it was too dangerous, it was yet another loss. He recorded at home and sent his work in, but it was far from satisfying. 

School was still online. I made a montage for my senior homeroom with the photos I had taken over the years. I sent my former Freshman English students the letters they wrote to themselves on their first day of high school. I emailed my other former students wishing them well. 

Anxiety was growing in the pit of my stomach. I found that tears welled up at surprising times. Our daughter called often. She was working very hard both at her job and with her new puppy. 

My son’s college glee club held a virtual concert using submitted recordings, old video, and recorded material. It was wonderful. It was the first time I sat next to my singer son during one of his concerts. 

My Sunday school students were struggling with Zoom fatigue. Our classes were shorter, so we needed more of them to get ready for an online Confirmation service. 

I continued to be tech support for my parents. They received more than their share of phish and scam emails. We talked, at length, about how to recognize a fraudulent email or text. 

In May, we finally made plans for our daughter to come home. Once her puppy had all his shots, she could make the trek. A long car ride with a four-month-old puppy would not be easy. 

My book clubs met online. I wondered if they would ever meet in person again. I had a reunion with some college friends via Zoom. A friend and her husband did a chamber music concert from their home in Israel via Zoom. The DHS retirees, who usually gathered for lunch in town, had an online get together. All functions of our congregation were on Zoom. The choir met on Zoom to talk about what we would do since we couldn’t sing at High Holiday services. I attended funerals and weddings online. While I have always spent a good deal of time in front of the computer, I was now spending much more time staring into a screen! 

I was still working hard to stay in touch and support my teacher friends. They were barely keeping their eyeballs above water! Yet, the school board berated teachers calling them lazy and said they were shirking their responsibilities. It was shocking and disrespectful. Teachers were working harder than ever! My wife and I wrote a letter to the board expressing our disappointment and outrage. We were not alone. The board apologized. 

I wondered if I had this disease if I coughed or sneezed or caught my breath. Was it my allergies or was it something far worse? 

We became Instacart experts. Many houses were on sale in the neighborhood and they were selling quickly. We waved at people on our walks but crossed the street to avoid them. Not everyone understood the idea of distancing, especially cyclists. Friends started to lose their jobs, get furloughed or reduced. 

At the end of May, my son graduated from college via an online ceremony. There was even a virtual reality component where he was given an avatar and could walk around a virtual campus. It was Minecraft meets Legos. He tried it for a few minutes and then joined us watching the polished video presentation that featured video of my son’s musical groups! I think he liked graduating this way better than all the hubbub of being in a big stadium. The concerts, however, were deeply missed. 

Once he was done with college, the job search began in earnest. He started reaching out to people for informational interviews. By the end of the summer, he had spoken to more than one hundred people in dozens of organizations. He was a networker! 

We had Mother’s Day distanced on my folks’ patio. They still needed quite a bit of technical support but were becoming good Zoomers. I signed them up for Instagram so they could hear a concert by my brother’s daughter. We had several family gatherings in backyards. Thank goodness for nice weather. 

For my birthday, I got Star Trek masks and a tin of Garrett’s caramel corn! I ate it. All of it. I read the nominees for the Hugo awards. All of them. 

Our daughter trekked west over Memorial Day weekend. My son and I met her in Ohio and helped drive her home. We rented a car, sanitized it, planned the logistics, and drove my daughter and her dog to Illinois in the pouring rain. 

Finally, all of us were home and safe. For the first time since this started, I could breathe easier. For the first time, I slept well. We would face the summer together. 

Prudence Not Panic: How Staying Home and Avoiding Groups Can Help Everyone

If you are in COVID-19 (coronavirus) denial, it is time to wake up. If you are anxious and jittery, it is time to turn that energy into action. The key idea here is that we cannot go on as if nothing is happening and we cannot freak out.

I am not a medical professional. I have read the many statements from authoritative people posted on social media basically telling everyone to calm down. Instead of minimizing this issue, we must approach it thoughtfully and decisively.

Where do we need to go?

Here is my understanding put simply:

1.     There are far more cases of this virus around us than we know about.

2.     Each day, our odds of catching or spreading this disease increase significantly.

3.     If lots of people get this disease at the same time, our health resources will be overwhelmed and people will not receive the treatment they need.

4.     If we limit the number of people with whom we come in contact, we can slow down the spread of the disease.

5.     If we slow down the spread of the disease, people may still get it, but since fewer will get it at the same time, our health systems are more likely to be able to deal with it.

The key is to slow down the spread of the disease so we have fewer cases each day and thus our hospitals, doctors, and health professionals are not flooded with people who need immediate attention.

This requires everyone! This is the difference between China and Italy. China locked down while Italy took much longer to do so. While this may not have changed the number of people affected, it meant that, instead of hundreds or thousands of people trying to get to doctors AT THE SAME TIME, the number of people seeking treatment was spread over a longer period of time and thus was more manageable.

So what I have read suggests that we need to do a few things RIGHT NOW:

1.     Take care of yourself. Wash your hands, get enough sleep, and tend to your health.

2.     Avoid contact with anyone who is sick at all.

3.     Minimize leaving your home. Avoid gatherings.

4.     Move as much of your contact with people to the phone or computer. If you must leave the house, no hugging, kissing, or handshaking. Be a “far talker” and keep as much distance between you and other people as you can.

5.     Encourage everyone you know to do the same.

Don’t panic: be prudent and patient. We must all work together to stop this pandemic!   

Finally, here are the articles I have found to be most illuminating and upon which this post is based:

“Cancel Everything:” The Atlantic

“How Canceled Events and Self-Quarantines Save Lives, in One Chart:” Vox

“Coronavirus: Why You Must Act Now:” Medium

“#StayTheFuckHome A Movement to Stop the COVID-19 Pandemic”

“Want To Do Something About Coronavirus? Here are 5 Ideas:” Vox

Where is our Decency?

I don’t understand what has happened. I am filled with questions. Where is our decency?

Is it not a virtue to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, and shelter the homeless? Is that not what religions of all kinds tell us?

I don’t understand. Where is our decency?

Is it not our obligation to stand between the oppressor and the oppressed? To reach out to those in search of freedom and liberty? Is that not what Emma Lazarus wrote on the Statue of Liberty?

When did the bully, the violator, the abuser, the liar become our hero? Why would anyone side with such people? Our most sacred texts tell us to fight for justice, oppose evil, and do the right thing.  

Where is our decency?

Healing the sick is the most basic of good causes. Do the ill deserve care? Should one’s physical wellbeing be determined by income and corporate profit? Does not every sick child, mother, father, neighbor deserve healing?

Love thy neighbor as thyself is a clear commandment. It is a value that all traditions share. Hate thy neighbor, fear thy neighbor, or hurt thy neighbor is antithetical to our noblest and most cherished values.

Opening our homes to those who have had to leave theirs was once seen as an act of godliness. Whatever you have done, one sacred text reads, for your brothers, you have done for god. The reverse is also true, according to that good book. Who closes the door on the needy and wretched?  Is it righteous to turn your back on the downtrodden and desperate?

I don’t understand.

Is fear a value? Is anger a virtue? Do we let those parts of ourselves direct our course? What happens to us, as individuals, families, and communities, when these become our driving motivations?

Who have we become if the sins of greed, lust, pride, and wrath are applauded, lauded, and admired? When did those become the goals to which we aspire? Who are we if those are our most powerful traits? Where is our humility? Where is our generosity? Where are our gratitude and goodwill?

Good people can do bad things. All it takes for the “isms” to win is for otherwise good people to rationalize them away. Racism is okay if it brings jobs. Sexism is okay if we don’t like the specific person. Are our standards that thin? Are we people who are willing to betray our values for petty gain? Why place the Ten Commandments in public places if you don’t live them in your life?

How we comport ourselves in times of crisis and challenge defines us. If we only hold our most sacred morals when times are good and things are easy, what does that say about us? 

Is this what we want for our children? Do we want them to live that way? What example do we set? How do we want them to see us?

I hear the words that Joseph Welch said to Senator Joe McCarthy, “ Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?”

I am not sure I want to hear the answer.