Pissing in the Pool: The Broken Social Contract

Recently, a doctor in Alabama stated he would not treat unvaccinated people. It was simply too painful to watch them die. Many of these people, says another doctor, ask for the vaccine as they are being put on the ventilator. 

It is appropriate to feel sorry for people who have made poor decisions like this. Certainly, there are people who, due to medical conditions or circumstances beyond their control, cannot get the vaccine. But what about the willfully and proudly unvaccinated? What about those who could and should be vaccinated, but won’t? 

What happens when people who have been hateful, hurtful, and horrible need help and those of us who have taken proper precautions pay the price of their poor choices? What is our obligation to the unvaccinated, unmasked, Clorox and Ivermectin taking folks? What happens when some people, who place their own desires, feelings, and “rights,” above the wellbeing of the entire community, fill hospitals to capacity so that there isn't even room for children with cancer?  Should we rush to Texas’s and Florida’s aid even if they are outlawing the very actions that would make their situation better?  

The idea of a social contract is  “(a)n implicit agreement among the members of a society to cooperate for social benefits, for example by sacrificing some individual freedom for state protection.” While you may never need the fire department, you pay taxes to have one because it helps the community as a whole – and if someday you should need it, it will be there for you. We all get this idea – or do we? 

“But I don’t trust the government,” someone replies. “It is my right not to wear a mask,” cries another. “You can’t make me get the vaccine,” says the third. Yet, people who have these views are treated in our hospitals like any other. Their children are going to school and potentially spreading COVID. They are making it impossible for children or teachers who are immunocompromised to return to school at all. 

At this point, arguing with them doesn’t seem like it is working. While loving responses and listening and acknowledging their fears may be a way to reach them, that does not address the current preventable crisis. And can that be scaled up to address all of them? They have made their choice clear: their individual choice (which they see as rights) are more important than the social good. Me first, us last. 

Last year, the folks making these claims said that COVID deaths were an acceptable cost for reopening businesses and that we should “sacrifice the weak.” More recently, a woman at a Trump rally compared this situation to “separating the sheep from the goats” which is a reference to a parable from the Gospel of Matthew. Ironically, the sheep are saved and the goats are lost. The unvaccinated woman identified herself correctly as a goat. 

Yet, we are paying for and cleaning up their messes – and it is quite expensive! We are spending billions of dollars to treat unvaccinated people and their choices may mean higher insurance premiums for all of us. Should we endorse their logic and put these goats out to pasture?  

We are an interdependent society; our choices significantly affect far more people than ourselves. We are not living in isolation. Regardless of whether you accept the social contract, we are still all swimming in the same pool.  

Why withhold help from those who need it? Why persist in holding a grudge against unfortunate and misinformed people? What good comes out of hurting those already in pain? Is the suffering of COVID a reasonable consequence for being arrogant and super selfish? 

I don’t think hospitals will stop treating willfully unvaccinated people. It is unlikely that large numbers of doctors will refuse to treat them. But there is an exodus of healthcare professionals leaving the field, and that will affect everyone. 

Here’s the issue: Should the willfully unvaccinated get care despite their disregard for the chaos they create or do we back off and let them suffer the consequences of their choices, even though that, too, could be deadly. 

If you run a red light, you get a ticket. If you leave your child in a hot car, that’s child abuse. If you drive under the influence…There are consequences when people flagrantly break the social contract. Defying mask mandates is against the law and prohibiting them is certainly a breach of contract. What about vaccination? 

It’s a lose-lose scenario if there ever was one. Thanks, assholes. 

COVID-19: No Them, Just Us

As you finally get away from the sinking ship and are huddling in the little lifeboat adrift in the middle of the ocean, you notice a person sitting near you with a drill. They are drilling into the floor of the boat! You are shocked and yell at them, “You can’t do that, you’ll sink the ship! We’ll all drown!” The person looks up at you with a sneer and says, “What do you care, it is my seat!”

 

During this time of crisis, it is increasingly evident that individual actions have far-reaching community consequences. It is frightening that some stranger, because they do not take precautions could start a chain reaction that would affect hundreds of people – or more.

People are weary of sheltering at home and are struggling economically. It is unsurprising that some are celebrating as states reopen.  There is no doubt that people can’t stay at home if they can’t feed their families.

 

There you have it.

 

If people can’t feed their families, they can’t stay at home. If they leave their homes to work, we risk spreading this disease and hurting everyone. Therefore, it benefits all of us to support people who need assistance! Helping the needy benefits the entire community.

 

We need everyone to be safe and fed at home. It isn’t just about THEM. It is important to US! Or more succinctly, there is no them, there is only us.

 

Similarly, if people are scared to call health professionals because they can’t afford to pay, they are more likely to ignore illness or go to work sick. Everyone should be able to call a doctor if they are ill. If they do not do so, the community at large is at risk. Universal healthcare benefits all of us.

 

The term herd immunity is in the news a great deal. Herd immunity means that, when a great enough percentage of the population is immune to an illness, those who are not immune are protected because the odds of someone giving them the illness are small. But in order to create that percentage, everyone must have access to health care, vaccines, and doctors. The whole herd is in the boat; we are all adrift in this storm. Our well being is inextricably linked to everyone else’s.

 

What does it mean to be a member of a community? What does it mean to be a member of a family? A family is a smaller community. It means that our lives and our welfare are interconnected. It means that we sink or swim together! It means that our choices, for better or for worse, affect the whole – even when we are not aware of it. It means taking responsibility for this awesome responsibility. It means making mature and measured decisions that acknowledge the far-reaching impact of our seeming personal choices.

 

Americans love their independence. We want the freedom to do what we want to do, virus be damned. No one gets to tell us what to do! But that freedom comes with a price and an obligation. It isn’t free and it isn’t without limits.

 

As citizens, we must participate in our communities. This goes way beyond voting, jury duty, or even paying taxes. Most of us would sacrifice for our families and friends. Most of us would rush them to the hospital, give them money and support, and deny our own needs to meet theirs. This is what we need to do now for the health and well being of our community and country.

 

Sheltering in place is not simple. Masks are not comfortable. Staying home is problematic. For reasons too long to list here, for many, it is beyond challenging.

 

However, no one may drill a hole in a seat. If they do, we all go down. Therefore, we must make sure that everyone’s seat is safe and secure. We must make sure that everyone has enough of everything. We must make sure that everyone has access to healthcare. We must take care of everyone or more people will become sick and die.

 

I want to get my haircut, go to a restaurant, and attend family gatherings. I can’t right now. I am privileged to have enough money to stay home and not worry about my family’s basic needs. Both individuals and our governments must take deliberate and thoughtful actions to make sure that everyone can safely stay home – and for those who are doing jobs that are essential like doctors, first responders, grocery workers, and others – we as a community must ensure that they are also safe on the ship! Without them, we will not survive the voyage.

 

Protesters who are flaunting distancing and shut down orders are endangering everyone. They are drilling holes in their seats and endangering the ship that is rescuing our children, parents, and all whom we hold dear.

 

This is not about rights or being told what to do. It is about duty, responsibility, and safety. We, not them, must choose to protect each other. We, not them, are sacrificing in order to save each other. Everyone must participate. Everyone must give to save all of us. And everyone must do their part.

Parenting By Proxy

Recently, I was listening to an episode of This American Life that talked about parents who were seeking human growth hormones for their children (usually their sons) because they wanted them to be taller. There was nothing medically wrong with their children, they just didn’t want them to be short. They wanted to give them the most advantages they could, and if a drug could give them height, they saw this as a good thing. Of course, you can guess the other part of this equation; these were affluent suburban parents.

In the past, if you were short, you had no choice. Parents of short children, often short themselves, would teach their kids what that meant and how it might be different than being other heights. And even though there is not much long-term data on the effects of synthetic human growth hormone on otherwise healthy kids, parents can now have a cosmetic medical procedure and none of that parenting is necessary.

Similarly, if a child is not doing well in school, a parent can ask the school to do testing. Sometimes that testing shows a learning issue. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes, a child’s performance in class, according to the school, may not even warrant the testing. No problem. Parents can go to doctors and others who will take their money and do the testing. Is it surprising that, when the parent is paying for the testing, often they find something that would suggest that the child should receive special services at school – or a drug to help them focus – or accommodations on testing, such as additional testing time on college entrance exams? Such a deal!

And what about those exams? When I was preparing for college, we just took the test. We looked at the booklet that came with the sign-up sheet to make sure we didn’t fill out the forms incorrectly. I don’t remember my parents being involved at all. That is not the case today –for this same set of affluent parents. There is an industry of people who will tutor and prepare and sculpt and shape children so that they score better and better each time they take the tests!

The whole process of applying to college is so messy. In our house, we limited “college talk” to certain times and days so it didn’t overwhelm us or outshine other important parts of our lives. However, some parents don’t want to be the “bad guys” and nag their kids to finish the applications and essays. They worry that neither they nor their children will be able to meet the high standards that the “best” colleges require. So they get help. They hire people who will “help” them select the “right” schools and take the courses they will need to be admitted. They “assist” students in filling out their applications. Others will “coach” students on their essays. Such a deal!

Many of these moms and dads are more like executive parents. They don’t do the actual parenting. They don’t get their hands dirty or get down in the trenches with the kids. They hire people for that. Their job is to manage all the doctors, tutors, coaches, drugs, teachers, and other helpers who do the real day-to-day parenting.

There is something downright medieval about this. I think of Juliet’s nurse and Juliet’s mother. The nurse is the real parent who knows about the ins and outs of Juliet’s secret affair. Lady Capulet is not only clueless, she is destructive because she believes she knows what is best when in reality, she barely knows her daughter. She only knows the image of her daughter that she wants the world to see.

And therein lies the rub. These parental proxies are trying to make kids into someone’s vision of the best and brightest. The children don’t do the real work. They are led, trained, and directed – and they have had little to no say in the direction they are being marched. They may believe that what their folks want is what they want – or not. It doesn’t really matter.

No wonder, when they finally get out of their parents’ homes, they flounder. The assumption is that, if we provide them with the best proxy parents, they will flourish. The real work of parenting is challenging and difficult. It is a test of values, will, and intelligence. It is a task that must be done with spouses, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, and siblings. But when we farm it out to consultants and concoctions, we risk getting a very different result than when children are helped to become self-sufficient, independent, thoughtful people - by people who love them. 

I wonder who we can hire to be sure our children are kind and empathetic? After all, they are going to select our assisted living facility. Oh, never mind; they’ll hire a consultant to make that decision for them.

College Readiness Beyond ACT’s Standards

When my children were younger, I read a great deal about kindergarten readiness. My friends were concerned that their children had to know their letters and numbers before starting school. They also wanted to make sure that their kids would be able to separate from them and work well in a classroom.

As a Senior English teacher, I work with students on college essays and preparing for college academic work. And while there is no perfect predictor of college success, there are clear ways that students demonstrate that they are ready for college life.

When I did some research on college readiness, the vast majority of information was on academic preparation; ACT has published its College and Career Readiness Standards that outline the knowledge and skills students should have to succeed in college level classes. While this is certainly an important, maybe the most important, factor of college readiness, academic preparation is only one part of the college experience. I have met many students who are academically ready for college work, but not ready for the college experience. What are some key ways that students show us that they are ready for college?

The most basic way that students demonstrate college readiness is through basic school organization skills. Students ready for college can manage their own academics. They turn work in and turn it in on time (for the most part). They are aware of course standards, and understand what they need to do to meet them.

Similarly, students who are ready for college have begun to be independent self-advocating learners. They choose what is important to learn, and reach out to their teachers and other school staff when they have questions or issues. They are no longer passive recipients of curriculum but have become critical co-creators of their classes. Perhaps as important, they have developed multiple strategies to figure out what to do when they don’t know what to do; in other words, they know how to teach themselves!

One of the key warning signs that students are not ready for college is when they cannot function without consulting their parents. Parents who have put their children in the backseat for the college process create a dependency that often continues into college. Perhaps that is the point. Parents who are not ready to accept their children’s nascent adulthood may be more likely to enable them to remain children in order to keep the relationship from changing. Using excuses like, “my child is too busy,” “this process is too important,” and “he doesn’t really know much about college” are all rationalizations that are really saying that students are not able to function on their own. This may also say that the parent cannot or will not let the child become an independent and self-sufficient person. Perhaps getting away and going to college is just what the child needs, but without being able to function independently, college may be very challenging.

Lack of interest in college is certainly an issue as well. Many students are afraid to tell their parents or teachers that they aren’t interested in going to college. College talk is pervasive and ubiquitous. A student who does not see him or herself on the college path may feel isolated and uncomfortable when it feels like that is all anyone wants to discuss.

Some of the students who have taken time off from college or been unable to remain on a four-year traditional campus have done so because they found the social aspects of college far more enticing than academics. A student must, to some degree, have the ability to emotionally self-regulate. This is clearly a developmental issue. While social skills are critical for college success, the student who is unable to manage his or her own emotions, differ gratification, calm him or herself, or balance needs and desires is going to have significant challenges as a college student.

Related to this, students who are regularly using drugs, alcohol, or other substances are also going to find that college makes it easier to engage in many self-destructive behaviors. This makes college very attractive to them – and sometimes to their parents who may be eager to get them out of the house. However, these students’ substance use is likely going to sabotage their college careers.

What if a student is not ready for college? Why not do what we did twelve years earlier? Why not teach these skills and traits? Gap year programs focus on many of these issues. Of course, not all students are ready in all of these areas, but if students don’t have most of them, college is going to be far more than academically challenging.

My Parenting Prime Directive

Captain Picard’s Prime Directive dictates that powerful visitors from space may not interfere in the natural development of the places they visit. As a parent, I do not want to interfere in natural development of my children. My first rule of parenting is that I will not do anything that my children could do for themselves!

Even if it means that my children may struggle or become frustrated, it is critical to allow them to “figure it out for themselves” rather than swoop in and rescue them. This is easy to do sometimes and difficult to do when the stakes are higher. However, whether it is tying shoes or applying to college, my job is to help my kids to function independently. A child who functions autonomously is building a sense of confidence and power. Children whose parent do everything (or almost everything) for them learn that power is external and they must find ways to siphon off second hand power; the skills that kids need to piggyback parental power are often negative and destructive.

Yes, it is easier and faster to solve our kids’ problems for them. It is frustrating to watch and wait while children struggle and sometimes fail. Yet robbing them of failure is robbing them of growth. The rationalization is often that the price of that the task, whatever it is, is “too important to be left to the child.” Parents use this excuse to justify intervening about grades, social issues, college applications, try-outs, and of course to “protect” the child. The fact is, these are all too important to be accomplished by the parent. This doesn’t mean that parent must be completely hands-off. However, the parent must be the child’s guide and assistant, not the other way around. By snatching these “important” tasks away from our children, we keep them children and slow their maturation.

Teachers can recognize students whose parents do it all for them. They fear failure and often are scared of learning. They are resistant to feedback and see criticism as personal and insulting. They often threaten teachers with parental retribution! One of these students felt slighted when he didn’t receive credit for writing incorrect answers on a quiz, even though his answers showed he hadn’t learned the material. “I should get something anyway,” he whined to me. “My mom will be calling you.”

Early in the year, teachers get calls from these kids’ parents. They refer to themselves in the plural, ‘When we worked on that assignment,” or “We weren’t sure of the instructions.” Some teachers call them “butt wipers” or other names that suggest that they do not let their kids do even the most basic tasks. By cultivating kids’ dependence, they are infantilizing their children.

If we teach our kids to use their power, we must also teach them to make good decisions and hold them accountable for them. I am in awe of the parents who, when I called and told them that their child had plagiarized, said, “Throw the book at him!” We all know parents who will do anything to prevent their kids from feeling the negative effects of poor decisions. Not only does this undercut a child’s feeling of autonomy, but it also teaches them that they are above the law; the rules don’t apply to them. That is a lesson that is connected to a host of problems from bullying to substance use.

Fostering independence in our children teaches them that they have power and how to use it. It cultivates competence and confidence. It may be the most important trait of great parenting.

Letting Go and Letting Grow

“The hardest part of love is letting go,” say the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Stephen Schwartz. As a parent, letting go may be the most difficult part of the job. Soon, I will put my two children on buses to go to four weeks of overnight camp,. Part of me will delight in the opportunities that their absence makes possible. And they are always eager to get to camp and be with their friends.

But when I get home. I frequently find myself wandering through their quiet rooms. I will miss them before they have been gone as long as a regular school day. I will worry that something might happen to them.

Many parents tend to provide too much protection. When my kids leave my sight, I worry. Usually, I tell myself that such worries are irrational. I tell myself that my kids must learn to function away from their parents. I remind myself that this is how autonomy is learned. Nevertheless, part of me wants to hover over them and protect them from the world.

Although my reasons are valid, the real fact is that I couldn't protect them, even if I were always inches away. To go one step further, even if I were to succeed, I would cause them harm. That’s right, my need to protect them actually creates the problem I am trying to avoid.

As I teacher, I have seen too many examples of this. Over involved parents create children who will not or cannot function on their own. These kids are often immature and unable to independently problem solve. These parents are frequently intrusive and cross boundaries without a thought.

I had a senior in high school not long ago, who needed to rush off to the bathroom to send his mother a text message whenever he got a disappointing grade. Mom would then email me and I would receive the email before the period was over. Another needed his mother to assist him with all papers. He could not write an in-class essay on his own. A third has her mother at her beck and call. Mom would run errands, bring in forgotten assignments, and run interference with school personnel.

While these parents’ intentions are good, their methods actually handicap their children. They mistakenly believe that their child should not have to deal with certain challenges, or issues. They may rationalize that the kids are too young, not yet skilled in problem solving, or too busy with school and activities. The truth is that they don’t want to let go. The truth is they don’t want the child to fail or be hurt.

But harm can mean many things. Is challenge harmful? Is a little frustration or discomfort bad? Education only occurs when we go beyond our comfort zone and really step out into the scary world of “ I don’t know how.” If we never go there, we never really learn.

While I am missing my children (and they may be missing me), they are having a marvelous experience that none of us would exchange for the relief from the loneliness. Discomfort and, yes some pain, are necessary. We need to confront challenges and step out into the big, bad, world in order to discover our power and ourselves. If we do not allow our children to do so, they remain forever children.

I can hear the parent responding, “But she’s only four!” Yes, even at four, even at two! Another lyric from the same song says, “Your children start to leave you on the day that they are born.” It is true. Each new milestone and landmark is a step toward independence. Any hovering, smothering, or protecting we do is liable to hinder that progress.

Of course, we must teach them common sense. We should insist they wear their helmets and seat belts (and do so ourselves as well). That is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the natural parental impulse to be the bodyguard and pain killer. The well meaning desire to spare our children the critical but difficult pains that will help them do what we most fear: operate independently from us.

Fostering Children's Autonomy

My nine-year-old son sat at the kitchen table and looked like he was about to cry. In front of him was a luscious piece of chocolate cake in a plastic container. For ten minutes, he struggled to get the container open. Behind him was his frazzled grandmother, with her hands extended to relieve the little guy of his frustration and give him the delicious dessert. The mean and evil father (me) had prevented her from helping by uttering the simple words, “Let him do it himself.”

Yes, it would have been easier to just open the box for my son. Yes, he would have been happier if his grandmother had rushed to his rescue. He would have adored his daddy even more than he did when I gave him the special dessert. So what is the downside of helping a little kid open a difficult container? Everything.

I want a great deal for my children. Of course I want them to be happy. It would be nice if they had good feelings about their parents. But more than these, I want them to grow up to be competent, contributing, independent adults. Problem solving is the heart of autonomy. Self-respect and confidence are its offspring. This is the core of what I believe as a parent and as a teacher. My prime directive is: Do nothing that undercuts the independence of the child. Or put in the positive: do everything possible to foster the child’s ability to be self-reliant.

How do our children learn that they have power? What is the nature of that power? Too often, we see children manipulating adults, often their parents or teachers. Screams of, “I hate you!” or “You don’t love me” are a kind of emotional blackmail and kids learn its effectiveness. Shows of helplessness, tears, and tantrums frequently succeed in getting children out of challenging situations. What have we taught them?

Children learn that their power consists of manipulating us to use our power on their behalf; it must be begged, stolen or tricked from us. They do not have any power inherently. Is that what we want? Is that true? Is that good?

Where does self worth come from? It comes from competence! We may assist our children in solving problem and guide them to solutions, but when we do it for them, we are robbing them of the experience of learning how to problem solve.

Instead of doing the homework for my daughter, I asked her questions about it. I helped her find her own method of problem solving and her own solutions, which were not the ones I would have chosen but they worked just the same. I helped her to figure out the steps instead of telling her what they were. It took some time and lots of patience, but the end result was a child who felt good that she met the challenge and could do it without daddy’s help the next time (which she did!).

We rationalize coming to our children’s rescue. They are so busy, the task is unreasonable, he is so stressed, it makes my life better and on and on. Underneath all of these excuses is that same set of parent centered values: it serves my needs, I want my child to like me, or perhaps it will make my child happier (at least in the short run). These are short sighted, selfish and superficial.

There are times when opening the child’s cake container is what a parent must do. I am not 100% consistent and almost every rule has an exception. However, it is the larger pattern that shapes our kids. Do they expect that, when they run into trouble, they will be bailed out? Do they take initiative and anticipate challenges that may be ahead of them? Do they rely on parental power or do they develop their own?

I quietly coached my son, “You tried that way of opening the box already. What is another way you might open it?” I encouraged him to see how other people had opened their boxes. I gave him time to be frustrated. Yes, he opened the box himself, although it felt like it took a year. Then, he looked up and said, “I can!”