Letting Go and Letting Grow

“The hardest part of love is letting go,” say the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Stephen Schwartz. As a parent, letting go may be the most difficult part of the job. Soon, I will put my two children on buses to go to four weeks of overnight camp,. Part of me will delight in the opportunities that their absence makes possible. And they are always eager to get to camp and be with their friends.

But when I get home. I frequently find myself wandering through their quiet rooms. I will miss them before they have been gone as long as a regular school day. I will worry that something might happen to them.

Many parents tend to provide too much protection. When my kids leave my sight, I worry. Usually, I tell myself that such worries are irrational. I tell myself that my kids must learn to function away from their parents. I remind myself that this is how autonomy is learned. Nevertheless, part of me wants to hover over them and protect them from the world.

Although my reasons are valid, the real fact is that I couldn't protect them, even if I were always inches away. To go one step further, even if I were to succeed, I would cause them harm. That’s right, my need to protect them actually creates the problem I am trying to avoid.

As I teacher, I have seen too many examples of this. Over involved parents create children who will not or cannot function on their own. These kids are often immature and unable to independently problem solve. These parents are frequently intrusive and cross boundaries without a thought.

I had a senior in high school not long ago, who needed to rush off to the bathroom to send his mother a text message whenever he got a disappointing grade. Mom would then email me and I would receive the email before the period was over. Another needed his mother to assist him with all papers. He could not write an in-class essay on his own. A third has her mother at her beck and call. Mom would run errands, bring in forgotten assignments, and run interference with school personnel.

While these parents’ intentions are good, their methods actually handicap their children. They mistakenly believe that their child should not have to deal with certain challenges, or issues. They may rationalize that the kids are too young, not yet skilled in problem solving, or too busy with school and activities. The truth is that they don’t want to let go. The truth is they don’t want the child to fail or be hurt.

But harm can mean many things. Is challenge harmful? Is a little frustration or discomfort bad? Education only occurs when we go beyond our comfort zone and really step out into the scary world of “ I don’t know how.” If we never go there, we never really learn.

While I am missing my children (and they may be missing me), they are having a marvelous experience that none of us would exchange for the relief from the loneliness. Discomfort and, yes some pain, are necessary. We need to confront challenges and step out into the big, bad, world in order to discover our power and ourselves. If we do not allow our children to do so, they remain forever children.

I can hear the parent responding, “But she’s only four!” Yes, even at four, even at two! Another lyric from the same song says, “Your children start to leave you on the day that they are born.” It is true. Each new milestone and landmark is a step toward independence. Any hovering, smothering, or protecting we do is liable to hinder that progress.

Of course, we must teach them common sense. We should insist they wear their helmets and seat belts (and do so ourselves as well). That is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the natural parental impulse to be the bodyguard and pain killer. The well meaning desire to spare our children the critical but difficult pains that will help them do what we most fear: operate independently from us.