For Me, Social Media is About the People

Dear Friends, 

Social media has been much maligned recently and for good reason. I know that many people use Facebook, Instagram, and other online services to get their news, make political statements, market their businesses, and spread all sorts of things that might be called information. As you know, I have experimented with doing some of these things. However, the reason I am writing this is to let you know the real reason I stay on social media: I love thinking about you.

Seeing your photo, comment, post, or whatever reminds me of you. It makes me smile. I fully understand that getting together and actually having a face-to-face conversation would be more authentic and substantial. But let’s be honest, if I went for meals, walks, meet-ups, or gatherings with all my friends online, that would probably become all I would have the time or energy to do – and then there are the issues of distance and COVID. Social media is superficial contact, but it is much better than none at all. 

I rejoice with you when special things happen, empathize with you when there are struggles and losses, and remember our time together. For many of us, we shared school together. I am not the person I was in middle or high school or even college. I am not the cocky kid who started teaching at Deerfield High School thirty-some years ago. It is clear that all of us are growing up and growing old and that is a good thing. I liked you then. I like who you are becoming and it is delightful to get a little glimpse into your present person. 

Yes, there are times when I don’t understand what you post. While this is more often true of my younger friends, it is not exclusively so. I also need to note that my “younger” former students are increasingly closer to my age than I would have thought possible when I started teaching. 

Sometimes, I worry about you. Sometimes, I sent you private messages to check my understanding of what you posted. Sometimes I don’t because I cling to the idea that I probably misunderstood what you posted and I don’t want to pry into the details. I don’t want anyone to think that big teacher is watching. I don’t even have administrators to report to anymore! 

Sometimes, I disagree with you. I don’t often tell you so. I have not found social media to be a good platform for complex discussion. More often, I want to know more. You probably don’t know it, but many of you have sent me researching topics, learning about different points of view, and reading, reading, reading! Thank goodness, I love reading. 

I will admit that I get a twinge when there are significant proofing errors in your writing. I am still a former English teacher. I get much more than a twinge when those significant issues are in your thinking. There have been several times when I have wanted to provide a refresher on logic, critical thinking, evaluation, attribution, credibility of sources, or other topics I am certain we covered in class. The teacher hat never completely comes off, although it does transform. I don’t want to be too “teacherly” online, even if some of my friends still won’t use my first name. 

Like it was when we saw each other in person, our relationship is complex. Because it is primarily expressed in quick snatches of text and images, it has also become somewhat telegraphic. Small symbols may have big meanings. I do read between the lines and I am always trying to figure out if the meanings I intuit are correct. Sometimes I ask. Often, I do not. 

While there may be many people who have been horribly misled by social media, I hope my friends are not among them. I hope you are safe and healthy. I hope you are vaccinated (sorry, that is one of my big worries for my friends - if it feels political to you, that is another conversation). I hope you and the people you hold dear are doing well. I love seeing photos of your special people and sharing the good feelings that come with them. I hope you had a healthy and peaceful holiday season. 

I try not to spend too much time in front of the computer if I can help it. So I know, too, that I miss things. Sometimes I only see a post when someone else comments on it, when it is reposted, or if it is brought to my attention. Please don’t assume that, since you put it online, I saw it. We all know that social media has an odd algorithm that puts some posts higher up than others. If you want me to see something, please send it to me by messenger or email! 

I want to repeat that, for me, social media is social. Seeing you is what it is about for me. I don’t get my news from Facebook. I don’t form or debate my political views online. You know me – I read! I am an RSS-aholic and I am always putting aside articles to read later – even though I am reading a great deal each day. I am never up to date! I share some of the articles I read each month on this blog. 

Finally, thank you. Thank you for making me smile when you pop up on my computer. Thank you for keeping our relationship alive. Thank you for the connection. 

It matters a lot to me because you matter a lot to me. 

Reading For Treasure: Before The Election:

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

How can we tell what is “real” or “fake” news? For most of us, our social media feed is primarily populated with opinions similar to ours. Wired’s article, “How to Break Out of Your Social Media Echo Chamber” provides some good suggestions about how to change our use of Facebook, Twitter, and other online sources so we can get a more balanced and complete picture of our world – not just a confirmation of what someone thinks we want to hear.

A second Wired article explores the problem of fake news, specifically the use of deep fake videos. How can we recognize news sources designed to fool us? Maybe, “America Needs A Ministry of Truth.” The author explains that this is not going to be the same as the one in Orwell’s 1984, but more along the lines of the EPA, FDA, or other agencies that protect the public. As I read this, I thought about a media Underwriters Laboratory; an independent agency that puts their stamp of approval on information. Regardless, we are soon going to need help separating the fact from deep fake.

The great scientist Carl Sagan wrote about “The Fine Art of Baloney Detection” and provided some very specific advice in his book, The Demon-Haunted World. His route to critical thinking has been the subject of several articles, including “The Baloney Detection Kit: Carl Sagan’s Rules for Bullshit-Busting and Critical Thinking” from brainpickings. The article summarizes his rules and provides Sagan’s take on logical fallacies as well. If you are interested, here is the complete chapter of the book.

While a lawn sign may tell which of your neighbors supports which candidates, Lifehacker provides us with tools that let us “See Who Has Donated to a Political Campaign With These Tools.” If we want to avoid the echo chamber or make certain that a source is being sincere in support, it might be good to know if they put their money there, too.

Two articles answer the question I hear a great deal, “how could THEY believe this stuff?” Medium’s “Why Your Christian Friends and Family Members Are So Easily Fooled By Conspiracy Theories” and the Independent’s “I grew up in rural, small-town America – and I can tell you the real reason why people love Donald Trump.” While not entirely unbiased, they do give a glimpse into these specific points of view.

The Washington Post recommends, “Stop fretting about Trump and do something about it. Right now.” This article is good advice regardless of your political leanings. It is basically a guide to how to check your voter registration and make sure you can vote - and get others to vote!

I am currently reading The Regional Office is Under Attack by Manuel Gonzales.

Reading for Treasure: February

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! Here are some articles to read discussing how we can both mentally and physically protect our children and ourselves:

10 Reasons Teens Have So Much Anxiety Today: This quick article from Psychology Today lists specific reasons that teens today may be much more anxious than we were at their age. It is a good checklist for parents!

Teach Your Kids To Value Empathy Over Tenacity: Years ago, my congregational rabbi’s High Holiday sermon asked, “Would you rather your children be successful or good?” Kids know what we really value by our behavior, even if our actions don’t always match. This short Lifehacker article provides a good example of why empathy should be higher on most parents’ lists.

Encourage Teens to ‘Speak Before You Send’: This Lifehacker article is a great companion to the one above. I think we hear language very differently than we see it. When I just read my text or email in my head, it sounds fine. When I read it aloud, I hear it very differently. This is makes reading aloud a great editing tool – not only for writing skills but for empathy as well.

Bicyclists Should Be Shamed Into Wearing Helmets: This Chicago Tribune column takes a humorous angle on a very simple message: wear a helmet when riding a bike. I love the old man voice in this article. When my kids were growing up, we always said that you only needed to wear a helmet if you had something to protect…

10 quick thoughts on mobile phones in schools: This quick list from Dangerously Irrelevant really says that the problem is not phones. There are other issues and classroom phone struggles are really about teaching, the structure of schools, and the use of technology for learning. I agree!

I’m currently reading The Fated Sky by Mary Robinette Kowal

Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

What I Am Thinking When I Wish You Happy Birthday on Facebook

I celebrated a birthday earlier this month. My family took me out to dinner. I got phone calls and cards. My friends at school got me lots of chocolate! It is always nice to be celebrated. I deeply appreciated how people made my birthday special.

The icing on my birthday cake were the nice greetings on Facebook. They are short, for the most part, and simple –and that is fine.  As I wrote a while ago, I enjoy getting birthday greetings on Facebook. It feels good that people thought about me and are wishing me well. Each morning, I do the same and write a birthday greeting for my Facebook friends. If I have a good picture, I might include that, too.

The truth is that my greetings, and most Facebook birthday greetings, are brief and superficial. Some of my younger Facebook friends send each other elaborate photo collages, embarrassing SnapChat captures, or long missives of devotion, but these seem to be exceptions rather than rules.

Like many people, I don’t have enough time to write a long letter to all of my friends having a birthday. Some are more acquaintances and I am not sure what I would say.

So here is what is going through my mind when I wish you happy birthday on Facebook:

Happy birthday to you! I hope today provides you an opportunity to be celebrated and fêted. I hope that, whatever your birthday wishes are, you are able to make them come true.

I am so glad that your birthday gives me a chance to communicate directly with you! Seeing your photos, liking your posts, hearing about your adventures keeps me connected to you, and I like that. If we haven’t talked in a while, know that miss that part of our friendship.  

I cannot overstate how wonderful it is to hear about your graduations, vacations, jobs, weddings, family, special events, interests, and thoughts. When I read them, I hear them in your voice, and for a while, across the distances and years, it feels like we are together.

Know that thinking of you brought me joy. Know that, although I may not have photographs of all of our shared memories, our past is very much on my mind as I write these quick little words to you. Know that I am honored to be a friend, Facebook or otherwise. Know that, although you may have several hundred (or thousand) such friends, that does not diminish the value of our relationship in any way to me.

I worry about writing the wrong thing for your birthday, so I keep it simple and standard. If I have a good picture, I might share it. If I don’t share it on this birthday, I will try to share it in the future. But when I do share it, I will worry that you won’t like the picture. If you don’t like the picture I shared, go ahead and delete it or tell me to do so. I won’t mind. I am sharing it because I don’t remember if I showed it to you before. Now you saw it.

If you wrote me a birthday greeting, thank you. If you did not, that is okay, too. Some of us don’t do that. Some of us don’t use Facebook that way. No judgment there. Don’t worry about it –and certainly no guilt, please! There is enough of that off of Facebook.

So may this be the best year ever. May this year bring you and those for whom you care health, happiness, purpose, and goodness.

And may we do it all again next year!

Live Long and Prosper,

David

The Power and the Person in the Post

Why do we choose to share what we post on Facebook, Twitter or other forms of social media? While it is evident why people share good news announcements like births, engagements, and graduations, why do we see pictures of food, pets, and home improvement projects?

I started thinking of this question when my daughter began to show me a young person’s Facebook page that focused on highly materialistic things. The page in question was filled with pictures of purchases, status symbol items (cars, jewelry, etc.), and “don’t I look good” statements. Although it was easy to condemn and criticize, it made me think about my choices of posts.

Clearly, the young person in question wants us to admire her. She wants us to see her the way she wants to see herself: attractive, pretty, wealthy, and successful. She is self-esteem building by status statement. The posts that I saw had comments that reinforced the image she was working so hard to project.

Posts are very difficult for me. Sometimes, I believe I overthink what I am posting. I ask myself if what I put on Facebook and Twitter is something worthy of the people with whom I am sharing it. I worry about what it says about me.

I know someone else whose posts are liberal bait. She puts forth an extremely conservative message and then reels in the outraged and passionate arguments that inevitably follow. It is all about the fight with this person. She wants the conflict. She likes stirring it up. Her conservative persona is less about political ideology and more about attention. If I say something that will get you all riled up, you will engage with me.

Certainly, many people use social media as a means of sharing personal news. Posts relay the same things we used to share before the PTA meeting, or while waiting for the religious service to start, or standing in line at the farmers market. These posts are combinations of the “wish you were here” postcard and the cute holiday photo. They say I’m still here. We’re doing okay. Don’t forget about us.

Some posts are dramatic: breakups, illnesses, disasters, and downers. These posts are vents and commiserations. By sharing the bad news, the poster receives sympathy and even offers of assistance. The alarm is sounded and, hopefully, the cavalry arrives.

Some posts are questions and community connections. They ask if we can recommend services or relay issues faced by the community. My homeowners association has benefited by creating a Facebook page where neighbors can have digital conversations.

We want to be heard. We want to express ourselves. We want to communicate. We want to discover who we are and who we can become – and we are a little curious if what we see in the mirror matches what others see through the window.

Although there are occasional discussions, most responses to Facebook posts are affirmations, confirmations, or exclamations. They reflect the feelings and message of the post rather than challenge or add to it. So like so many other forms of communication, these posts are really about us. They are expressions of self.

I wonder if our posts could be more. As I read posts about important social issues, I wonder if social media could be a stronger force for discussion and dialog. I have read about how people in other countries have used social media to reform governments and create social justice.

My views have changed, and my eyes opened by what my Facebook friends have shared. Recent events have proven that ideas shared on social media can have real impact on politics and policy.

Our posts are about us as individuals and, more and more, us as a society. We are advertising our values and our view of ourselves. Are my posts a good snapshot of me? Is that picture complete or correct? Does it match how I see myself? Now you see why I perseverate before I post! 

Alumni Gifts

Last week, three Deerfield High School graduates dropped by school. They told me about their lives since we had last met, their summer and future plans, and reminisced about their time at DHS. They made my day – and my week. They gave me a gift for which I am so very grateful: a relationship after they have left my classroom and the school.

I have taught several thousand students in my many years at Deerfield. A vast majority of them say, “hello” in the hall after our class ends. Some I am able to catch for a handshake or a hug at graduation. Most vanish. What they don’t realize is how present they are for me.

I think about my former students a great deal. While they have moved on, I am still in the same place where we learned together. There are reminders of them everywhere and every day.  I pass their lockers and teach in the rooms where we learned together. And while I am curious about what has become of them, I accept that this is the way it works for teachers and students. Our relationship has a shelf life, and when it is over, most of the time, it ends.

Yet, when a student chooses to stay in touch after graduation, it is a gift beyond measure. For years, this meant students who would visit, often before or after winter break or as the school year was ending. It meant students who would send college graduation announcements, notes, or would suggest going out to coffee or lunch. I treasure these visits and moments.

Now, students have greater choice about how to stay in touch. Thanks to email and Facebook, staying in contact can be as involved as they want –and that is perfect and wonderful! Now, there are lots of degrees of contact.

This past month, I was treated with graduation pictures from colleges all over the world. I heard about former students getting jobs, getting married, having babies, traveling, and figuring out their futures. We didn’t need to meet, although several of us did.

Some of the students with whom I am in touch never shared class with me. Maybe we were in a club or perhaps spent time together in the resource center. Maybe we found each other in the hallways. Our time together at DHS, no matter what that time looked like, is chapter one. With most students, I only get chapter one.

Chapter two is beautiful. It has no homework and no grades. No attendance is taken, and no rules can be broken. This doesn’t mean it is perfect. Former students have struggled and needed help. We have worked on graduate school applications and found job contacts. Former students have come to my assistance, too – they have even helped me teach my current students!

Some alumni are now more my friends than my former students. I cannot imagine a student giving me a gift greater than a friendship that started in the classroom.

In the next few weeks, I will speak at two middle school graduations. The message I will deliver to the newly minted high school students is that, when they come to Deerfield High School, they are joining a family. Although grades, activities, and classes are important, the real foundation of everything that happens in school is the relationships they will form.

I have wonderful relationships with my colleagues. This is critical to my being able to do my job well. The relationships with students, especially after they leave the building, is a precious gift for which I am appreciative every time I see their posts on Facebook, when they call or email, or as we chat around town.

As I swing back into graduation season, my joy is renewed and my sadness softened by the community of alumni who remind me, even after they leave our classroom and school, that they are okay, still learning, and that they have saved a corner of their lives for their former teacher from which I can see their futures.

Happy Facebook Birthday

As a child, I got birthday cards from my family. Later, a few close friends would either call or send a card. As I grew up, I could count on one hand the number of non-family members who acknowledged my birthday in any way.

Prior to the advent of Facebook, birthdays were a way to stay in touch. A birthday card to a far away friend was a way to affirm the relationship. This was also a good determiner of the whether such effort was worthwhile. Some people didn’t seem to care about such things. Whether or not they reciprocated (most did not), these cards either kept relationships alive or let me know that they were already dead.

Facebook changed all that. Now I only have to remember the birthdays of friends who are not on Facebook, and even for those people, I often send emails instead of cards. A birthday email is far more effective – and let’s face it, for many people, I don’t have much to say beyond, “happy birthday.”

So now we have a long list of simple and banal birthday greetings. Each morning, I see the names of my Facebook friends’ birthdays. I type a little greeting. Is it worth it?

Meaningful or not, Facebook birthday posts feel good. While I have heard my students discuss the number of digital birthday greetings, for me, the amount is less important than the fact that people take a few moments to reach out. This is not only gratifying, but also healthy –and it seems to work better than my old approach. 

I enjoyed my recent birthday. I loved the time with my friends and family and the warm Facebook posts. But I didn’t need any real fuss. I save fuss for my children’s birthdays. Those are far more important to me than my own birthday.

I used to hate kiddy birthday parties. The worst part was the glut of presents that the kids unwrapped and discarded. The real meaning of the celebration got lost: the gift that is the child. My children’s birthdays are a chance for me remember and renew the gratitude for the joy they bring me.

And that is why birthdays matter. Whether on Facebook, through a card, a call, or email, they are a chance to renew this kind of gratitude and joy. They are a moment on the calendar to give a long distance hug. They keep us positively connected.

Sappy as it sounds, Facebook helps keep these positive connections alive when they might have disappeared. Even if some of them are not substitutive, they make us smile. They keep us from drifting too far apart or getting too caught up in ourselves.

Birthdays are a chance to affirm relationships. And they aren’t the only chance. There are lots of ways to say, “I love you.” Birthdays are only one of them. I make a point of noting anniversaries and other special dates that Facebook doesn’t list. It would be wonderful if birthdays, or something like them, came along several times a year.

Cliché though it may be, this is a case where it really is the thought that counts. It is nice to be remembered and feel loved and appreciated. However we do it, this kind of acknowledgement keeps both the sender and receiver healthier and happier. Thanks, Facebook!

Prevent the Hack Attack!

Been hacked lately? Received an email containing a strange link? Seen people tagged as shoes on Facebook? Friends stuck in a foreign country and need money? If you don’t take precautions, your accounts could be hacked.

Everyday, people lose control of important online accounts. There are three simple ways to prevent this: better passwords, a password manager, and a security system called two part authentication.

Better Passwords: The first step is to make your passwords harder to crack. Don’t make your password a simple word or phrase; the longer the password, the better; include numbers, capital letters, and punctuation marks; don’t use the same password for everything.

One way to make a stronger password is to base it on a phrase. For example, the first few lines of Browning’s famous poem:

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach,”

This can turn into a password by using the first letters of each word (or some version of them): “HdIlt?Lm123tw.Ilt2td&hMscr,”.

This is a much better password than any single or combination of words –and I will be able to remember it!

Password Managers: Remembering passwords is difficult, but there is a good tool to help you: a password manager program. These programs store all of your passwords securely. Instead of a list of your passwords in a text file or on a scrawled piece hidden under your keyboard, these programs collect and enter passwords in your browser, and even help you to create more complex passwords. So my password can be “eKHnqjnqJCL98bUwrF” because I don’t need to remember it. When I need to use it, my password manager will fill it in for me. I only need to remember the password to that program! I only need one password!

Two popular password manager programs are LassPass and 1Password. Both offer apps for your phones so you can have your passwords in your pocket.

Two Part Authentication: Beyond making your password more secure, the other precaution you should consider is two-part authentication. Two part authentication means that your password is only one part of logging into a site like Facebook, Google, or iCloud. The second part is a code sent to your phone.

Yes, this means revealing your cell phone number. While that may make you nervous, I have not encountered any problems with it and the benefit is additional online security.

After signing up for two-part authentication, the first time you sign back on to your account, you will be asked for your password. After you put it in, a code will be sent to your phone. After you enter the code, you will have access to your account. You don’t need to do this every time you log on. You can indicate that you want to authorize a computer and the system will remember it. However, when you are logging on using a friend’s machine or any other “foreign” computer, you do not click that box, and even if someone gets your password, your account is still safe.

In order to log into your account, a hacker needs your password and the code sent to your phone. A person might hack your password, but will not have your phone. If a hacker is trying to get into your account, you will get a text message with a code. Didn’t request one? You know what is going on: change that password, and stay ahead of the hacker!

Here are links that show you how to set up two-part authentication for Facebook, Google, and iCloud.

Better passwords and two-part authentication will make your accounts less vulnerable to hackers. They are not perfect of fool proof, but why not put secure locks on your valuables?