Reading for Treasure – Thanksgiving Leftovers

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction.

Here are some Thanksgiving leftovers: articles I have been saving, but haven’t neatly fit into a theme or category for the past few posts. 

One member of my family used to get very upset when another member of the family would reply to texts simply with, “k.” This article from Lifehacker makes the case for not sending quick and short text responses like this one for a simple reason: it comes off as rude: “Don’t Text ‘OK.’”

If it isn’t clear from the name of my blog, I am an enthusiastic fan of Fred Rogers. There has been some conversation that his tone and style would not work well with kids today. I disagree and so does Mary Pflum Peterson in this older article from The Washington Post, “What Happened When I Showed Vintage Mister Rogers to my 21st Century Kids.” 

One of my most recent posts questions some of the traditions of weddings – many of which focus on gender. This wonderful Valentine’s Day article from The Atlantic makes the point clearly, “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date as Equals.” Yup. 

Speaking of couples with some issues, how about Lord and Lady Macbeth? I laughed out loud reading, “A Letter from the Condo Association to Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth” from McSweeny’s. While we all might have had neighborhood issues, these are on a Shakespearean scale! 

While the above piece is satirical, this satire piece from last winter’s Chicago Tribune by Rex Huppke is right on point in its treatment of “deniers.” Whether it is the pandemic, insurrections, or other clear and verifiable events, Mr. Huppke joins them to cry, “A Major Chicago Snow Storm? That’s What the Media Want You to Believe!” Snowstorms? Hurricanes? Bah, humbug! They are all conspiracies. 

Finally, a wonderful and relevant discussion of an interesting dice game called “Drop Dead” in the fantastic blog, Math with Bad Drawings. This game, which you could certainly play, also demonstrates a lesson about complex systems and the idea that more is better: “When A Trillion Dice Are No Better Than A Dozen.” 

I am currently rereading Frank Herbert’s Dune before seeing the movie! 

Reading for Treasure: Current Events Two By Two

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction.

Here are three sets of two articles dealing with some of the most pressing issues in the news today:  

Guns: 

Leonard Pitts, Jr. writes, “The Right to Bear Arms Does Not Extend to Black People” in an opinion piece in the Chicago Tribune. He talks about a new book that, “argues that the Second Amendment — which supposedly came about solely as a hedge against tyranny — had at its heart a much less noble concern: Southern states demanded the right to bear arms because they feared rebellions by enslaved Africans.” He goes on to say, “All that talk about “a well-regulated militia”? Anderson told me in a telephone interview that that was just the cover story. State militias had not performed well either in fighting off the British or in defending against a domestic uprising: Shays’ Rebellion. ‘What the militia was really good at, however, was putting down slave revolts.’”

David Frum asserts in The Atlantic that responsible gun ownership is a lie. In his article, “How to Persuade Americans to Give Up Their Guns,” he describes how gun ownership makes people far less safe than if they did not own a gun. He looks at how the group, Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense is following the path of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. He believes that, if properly informed, gun owners can be persuaded to give up their guns, “They need to hear a new call to conscience, aimed not at the paranoid and the extreme, not at the militiamen and the race warriors, but at the decent, everyday gun owner.” 

Education: 

Greg Rolasky reports about an “accidental experiment” in Boston where budget issues forced officials to have a lottery to see who would be admitted into the city-funded pre-schools. This created two groups: a group that got pre-school and a control group. Yup, economists then looked at the differences between these two groups. In this NPR article, “ The Case For Universal Pre-K Just Got Stronger,” Rolansky reports on what they found. 

On her blog, Diane Ravitch published a letter from Teresa Thayer Synder, former superintendent of a school district in upstate New York. In it, Dr. Synder encourages teachers and schools to focus on relationships and listening rather than “fixing” students who have fallen behind during the pandemic. 

Making Fun of Politicians! 

Finally, two wonderful pieces from the always wonderful online magazine, McSweeny’s. First, we hear from a Dickensian Republican, who says, “I Oppose the Democrats’ Plan to Lower Child Poverty. If Kids Want to Eat, They Should Work In Filthy Factories Like They Did in the Good Old Days,” and then, to be even and balanced, we hear from a doubting Democrat who says, “As a Centrist Democrat, I Ran on a Promise to Fix Killer Shower Clowns. But Now That I’m in Office, I Believe We Should Consider the Issue More Cautiously.” Read them and weep. 

I am currently reading Machine by Elizabeth Bear

Red Lights Oppress My Freedom: I am Declaring Independence!

Why do people – or should I say, sheeple - stop at red lights? Who gives anyone the right to tell me how to drive my car? It is my car, it does not belong to the state! Why should I be forced to give up my freedom just to make way for some idiot? Why should others be able to go while I am made to wait? That’s not fair!  

Stop signs and speed limits are against the constitution! Freedom and liberty for all doesn’t mean stopping and slowing down! Don’t tread on my right to go wherever I want however I want whenever I want. That is my right as an American! That is what makes America great! I don’t stop for anything! 

The government wants total control. Not only do they make me stop, they want me to give them my money in taxes. They are thieves and this is anti-freedom robbery! No one can tell me that I have to give MY money! I choose what I do with my money and if I decide I don’t want the government to have it, then it is my right as an American to say, no! No, taxation without represent – without anything!  

Why should I pay for electricity or water or wifi? Those things are natural resources which means they belong to everyone! Nature is mine because it is in America and I am an American! No one charges me for the air, but just wait! I shouldn’t have written that because that will give the regressive idiots in charge an idea for another way to try and put the squeeze on me! Cable is too damn expensive anyway! It should be free to everyone! 

I am sick and tired of people who think they are so high and mighty trying to tell me what I can or cannot do! It is my birthright as an American to have no limits, no rules, no restrictions at all! The army should come in and get rid of those morons who think that we should give everyone everything! They want healthcare, preschool, whatever they ask for! No way! Everyone should get what they deserve and I deserve freedom! 

It’s like what has been happening with voting. It is too easy to vote! People should not just be given ballots, they have to earn them! Only real Americans are worthy of voting and those who don’t agree with me shouldn’t be able to vote ever! That would take care of these liberal socialist government giveaways. 

I got this letter telling me I had to go to the courthouse for jury duty! Jury duty? Who asked you? I don’t have time for that! There are plenty of people who have nothing to do, let them take care of jury duty! You can’t make me! 

And they aren’t going to get my guns! Not a chance. I can have as many guns as I want and no one gets a say in that. The second amendment means that I can shoot anything I want. I can have automatics and shotguns and, hell, I might even get a tank! Try to stop my tank, red light! 

I didn’t sit in school for ten years to be told that I had fewer rights than someone who came here yesterday! So many special interest groups get special treatments. They kiss up to politicians and get fancy stuff. That is what is wrong with America today. Everyone is equal! Everyone has the same chances. If you made mistakes, suck it up and deal with that. If you don’t have the guts to grab what you can, then you don’t deserve it. That’s how all these rich guys got rich in the first place; they grabbed what they could and ran! We need more people like that. 

So take my advice, forget those red lights, throw away those tax bills, and do what you want. America is the home of the free and the land of the brave enough to take what is theirs. I don’t owe anything to anyone. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. So there! Happy July Fourth! Give me fireworks!

Reading For Treasure: After the Election

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

Here are a few articles dealing with the aftermath of the election: 

This is an interesting opinion piece from the Chicago Tribune that explores the idea of bias through the relationship of a woman and her granddaughter to the flowers and trees: Commentary: “What my granddaughter (and my begonias) taught me about bias.”  

A former student of mine is one of the rabbis who authored this commentary from The Forward: “A rabbinic call to uphold truth and democracy.” In it, these rabbis say that acknowledgment of truth of this election “is no longer a partisan issue. It is a moral issue.” 

This very personal piece from CNN by Richard Eldredge addresses the family splits over politics: “To my family who chose Trump over me: Was it worth it?” To fully understand his point of view and the power of this piece, you will need to read it all the way to the end. 

Although older, this article from The Atlantic may help put Eldredge’s split with his relatives in perspective. “Why Trump Supports Can’t Admit Who He Really Is” argues that Trump represents the only defense against a catastrophic radical transformation of America to his supporters and thus they will overlook anything and everything about him. 

Finally, two pieces of satire: McSweeny’s “To The Enemies Surrounding Our Castle, Please Understand That I Often Privately Disagreed With Macbeth’s Policies” speaks in the voice of one of the murderers from Shakespeare’s Macbeth who wants us to know that, even though he helped Macbeth, now that Macbeth has been overthrown, he really did not support the horrible things that Macbeth did. The Onion’s article, “Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy” makes the mask argument beautifully! 

Currently, I am rereading John Scalzi’s Redshirts. 

Reading for Treasure: January and College

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! With college application results rolling in, here are some articles to put that good and bad news in perspective:

How To Avoid A Common Mistake When It Comes To Paying For Your Kid's College Tuition: This is quick, simple, and critical – especially if you have younger children. This NPR story debunks the notion that, if you save for your children’s college education, it will mean they will receive less financial aid. Wrong! Read it!

It Doesn’t Matter To Me Where My Kids Go to College: This wonderful Grown and Flown article offers a common-sense rebuttal to the Varsity Blues attitude that is so prevalent. Why is it so important that your child goes to college anyway?

The Cult of Rich-Kid Sports: Atlantic’s feed title for this article was “The FancyAthlete’s Special Pass Into Harvard.” Affluent White kids do have an advantage when applying to prestigious universities: they are more like to be involved in “water polo, squash, crew, lacrosse, and skiing.” Want your child to be admitted into an elite school? Read this.  

College Professor Advice: 16 Things You Should Never Do as a Student: These should be common sense, but as a teacher of teens, I know they are not. Some of these pieces of advice are applicable to high school as well. This Teen Vogue article should be required reading for all graduating high school seniors!

I Am Lady Macbeth, and your Facebook Post about your Kid’s Early Acceptance to Harvard Really Pisses Me Off: Finally, a little bit of humor on the college question from McSweeny’s. I laughed aloud at this mix of the snowplow parent and Shakespeare’s intense character!

I’m currently reading The Trove by Tobias Buckell

Mixed Up Lines

A few years ago, when my daughter came home from school, she stormed over to me and said, “I am so angry with you!” This didn’t happen often, so I was concerned. “You have ruined me!” she told me.

She explained that in class someone had said, “You can lead a horse to water…” and my daughter had added, “but you can’t make it swim.” The room broke out in laughter and she didn’t understand why.

I did. You probably do. I understood why she was upset with me.  Oops.

Similarly, if I accidentally rhyme in class, I say that “I’m a poet and I’m not consciously aware of that fact.” This wouldn’t get my daughter in trouble – I think.

I love to play with words, phrases, letters, and language. I don’t say the proverb the regular way; I mess around with it. I can’t remember the last time I talked about that horse drinking. My daughter had only heard my riff on the original. Now she knows.

I am constantly mixing up language in class. My speech is peppered with spoonerisms. Spoonerisms are the mixing up of the initial constant sounds of a phrase or sentence. My students know exactly what I want them to do if I tell them to go sack to your beats. Taking a cue from the wonderful lirty dies of Capitol Steps, I often address them as Jadies and Lentleman. My Freshman English students play the Punday Suzzle, and homeroom says the ledge of pallegiance every day. 

One year, my Senior English class surprised me with a special gift at the end of the year. It was a long, large, and flat wrapped package. When I opened it, I couldn’t contain my laughter. It was a pair of pruning cutters. Yes, it was a gift of shears. "Gifting shears" is my frequent transition statement – another spoonerism.

Of course, I love puns! I tell kids that I am very impatient: I have a wait problem. I encourage them to imitate Shakespeare and punish each other by being bad to the bard. As we open our computers (or notebooks) to journal or start an essay, I tell students to “do the write thing!” If they don’t start fast enough, I tell them to “write away” or to do it “write now!” Yes, sometimes my puns get a groan. That is second place to a laugh, but I’ll take it.

Of course, there are always students who finish the writing too quickly. They set aside their pens or machines and look at me and say that they are done. I shake my head and tell them that they are still rare, maybe medium rare or medium, but they are certainly not done, and I want their work to be well done!

Then one will ask if it is okay that they finish anyway. I have perfected the art of saying “no” but shaking my head up and down. As you would expect, this is confusing. My non-verbal communication is saying one thing and my voice is saying the opposite. “Which is it?” They ask. Yes, that is the question.

When discussing certain literary elements, I always pretend that I am the percussionist at the back of the band and have crashed my two big pieces of metal together.  When we start to decode those eyes in Gatsby or the sea in A Tale of Two Cities, students also get the pun cymbal and symbol.

My former student Aaron (and several others) reminded me that, when I would check for understanding, I would ask in my very very bad Italian: “Catfish?” Similarly, Lucas reminded me that my French is as poor as my Italian. While we may say, “please” in English, I frequently thank students with “mercy buckets.”

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Language is not static. I encourage kids to play with language. As we write and speak, we must think about not just what we are saying, but the words we use. Language forms the foundation of our thought. Changing our words can change our perception. Language matters. Words matters. I hope my mixed up word playfulness gives kids permission to play along!  

How to Get Your Children Into the Right Colleges

It is never too early to start the college process. As we all know, the college your children attend will directly create their future success in every way. The right school is important economically, socially, academically, and this is true for the child as well. In fact, if you haven’t started thinking about how to ensure that your children get into a really good school, a school that will be the envy of your friends and the members of your social group, a school that you will be proud to put on your bumper and sweatshirt, you are basically screwed. Too bad, your child is going to some cut-rate Acme college with all the other schlubs.

But that is NOT you! You are in control and on top of this critical and crucial process and all you need is a roadmap.

We know the things you have already done: you moved to a community with really good schools. You started to drill your children even in utero. You went through numbers, letters, taught your children multiple languages and begin computer programing with baby blocks. You spoke to your children in Sanskrit, Latin, and Esperanto.

You enrolled your child in sports as soon as they could walk. Of course, you chose individual sports because one can’t really count on those other parents to support your children. In their free time, your children should take humanitarian trips to exotic locations, start businesses, run political campaigns, and make guest appearances on national talk shows.

A unique musical instrument is a must! Everyone has caught on about the oboe and bassoon. Your children have mastered the theremin and didgeridoo!

You read the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to your children daily. They are political experts ready to lead their debate teams, congressional clubs, and PACs.

Side note here: if your children resist all these activities, don’t like the drills and skills, you have a loser. Sorry. Be strong and make them what they need to be. Don’t take no for answer. Children can be made in their parents’ image – or even better. Even if your children remind you of yourself at their age, there is still hope.

It is never too early to start to work on the ACT, SAT, and SOB. A test a day keeps bad colleges away, I always say. The more familiar the children are with the tests, the closer you are to that perfect score. Have them start taking the test in the second grade. This will qualify them for gifted opportunities galore!

The gifted track in school is key! Do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a gifted label. Sometimes this may mean visits to doctors and other professionals for evidence. Check with your neighbors for the professionals near you who dispense the diagnoses you desire. If the gifted track is not working, then your child needs special accommodations. It is one or the other, of course! Those expensive tests will come in handy again because extended time is great on college entrance exams!

Homework is a family affair. Work with your children to make sure they understand how you do their homework. Simply doing their homework does not ensure good school performance. They must carefully observe and be able to explain what you have done for them.

Summer is not a break! Computer, writing, architecture, science, and countless other academic camps and gifted summer programs are a must! Make sure they are at a college that everyone will recognize. This begins the relationship. They will have gone to the right school even before they finish the eighth grade!

You will need professional help. A college consultant should be engaged no later than sixth grade. Pick someone who brags that they can get their clients admitted to any school! This expert will give you a break by taking over all the uninteresting form filling and writing and hoops that you must jump through. You don’t have time for all that and your children would just do it wrong or not at all. Pay this specialist to do it for you! They fill out the applications, write the essays, and hound the children. You can continue your wonderful parenting!

If your kids say they want a say in the process, remind them that this far too important for children. They just don’t understand. Someday, they will!

Sign up for every honors class your school offers. Make sure your kids are taking AP, IB, or FU as soon as possible. Send the teachers of these classes generous gifts, and train in your student in teacher handling techniques such as complimentary strategies, kissing up, and “I want to be just like you” tactics. Remind them to tell each teacher that “you changed my life” at least once a semester.

Since your hired gun is doing the heavy lifting, you can sit back and enjoy the constant college conversations. Remember, when you tell people where your children attend, the response should always be awe and envy. Fourteen to twenty-five applications are the absolute minimum. Don’t worry about costs! The worth of a good school is priceless! Admittance is its own reward.

By the end of these eighteen years, your children will have become academic, athletic, and artistic superstars who will achieve and earn more than your peers could imagine. Eventually, they will thank you for all your hard work. Once you are done, you can start a business helping younger parents navigate this perilous journey.

Don’t you wish your parents had done this?

Opening Lines

School started at the end of August. At this point, my classes and I have moved beyond the honeymoon phase and we are genuinely getting to know one another. This means that my new students are not so new anymore and they are learning my lines. While I don’t have any students three times this year, I have a handful of seniors twice. Several have already noted that they heard a saying or joke in theatre only to have it repeated in English. I told them that I wasn’t going to charge them extra for that!

The first few weeks of school were plagued by special schedules. We had shortened periods for an extended homeroom, then open house night and later, pep rally. The late arrival day that is usually our Monday schedule first showed up on a Friday! As a consequence, my sense of what would fit in a period was all messed up. In one class, the bell cut off an activity and the kids were wonderfully patient as I quickly tried to tie a bow on it. Although it was only the second week of school, they said as they were leaving, “You forgot to say, ‘Thank you for flying Science Fiction!” They may have been right!

I believe my “thank you for flying” line originated in my Humanities class more than ten years ago. It was a substitute for “class dismissed.” It is disrespectful to stand up and leave in the middle of a discussion, meaningful activity, or a  sentence!  No one will be late in class if we leave the classroom twenty seconds after the bell! “You are dismissed” is not the way I want to end class. I don’t want the class to be abruptly cut off, and I want it to end on a good note. Most of the time, we end with a review of what we’ve done, a preview of what is coming up, and a clarification of the homework. I like “thank you for flying” for because it expresses my gratitude to my students, is an appropriate metaphor, and usually elicits a smile. Let’s end class with a smile.

I want my classrooms to be filled with laughter. I will tell dad jokes and I am silly to set a light and safe tone in class. So I replace “bless  you” or “gesundheit” with “no sneezing.” I smile and make it clear that I am joking. Yes, there is danger in such sarcasm, but I smile and joke after saying this. Perhaps it is a very small lesson in irony.

My students are now very familiar with the opening lines of the song, “Misty.” I don’t sing much of it. I don’t really like the song, but “look at me” is a great way to bring the group together. After we have talked in our pairs, written our journal entries, or finished the small group task, this line is a nice way to get us all looking and listening in one direction. My old Hebrew teacher used to say that he couldn’t hear us unless he had his glasses on. It is true: if all students are looking at me, they are most likely listening, too.

At some point, I was told that a Freudian slip on purpose is called a Floydian slip. I have used several of these throughout the years. “Okay, my vict – students…” is perhaps my oldest. It acknowledges my power as the teacher and lets me make fun of myself a little. I have sometimes accompanied it with the statement that, despite my class, my students go on to lead somewhat normal lives. Well, that’s my line!

Memorizing My Lines

More than a few years ago, a former student returned to school to participate in a special program. Afterward, I gave him a tour of the new sections of the building that were constructed since he graduated, more than fifteen years prior. As we walked around, he quoted the little things I say in class. I was amazed at his memory. I was shocked that many of them I still say and that many of them I had forgotten, even though they came right back when he said them. Most of all, I was surprised at how these little lines stayed with him. More than a decade and a half after class had ended, he remembered my jokes, puns, plays on words, and silly sayings.

This past year, one student had to endure me three times a day. We had Freshman English, Theatre Advisory, and Homeroom together! It wasn’t long until this student began to do impressions of me. In fact, this student began to use my lines at the same time I would start to say them! The poor child got a triple dose of these “Hirschisms,” and shockingly, they stuck!

I suppose we all do this. We have our regular routines: the things we like to say in certain situations. With classroom teachers, however, it is a more complex. I get a fresh set of vict- students every year. Your family will roll their eyes when you use the same line constantly. My students do the same thing, but then new ones come along and I get to start all over! You can’t do that with your family or co-workers!

My lines are not static. Granted, there are a few (or more than a few) that are older than the students in my room, but some fade out and others rotate in. Some are very much connected to specific circumstances: a particular room, course, book, unit, or group of students. Others are timeless and multi-purpose!

For a little while, I have been harvesting my lines, and I made a list of them. I want to explore what they are saying about teaching, learning, my students, and me. They capture an interesting aspect of the experience I share with students. As the new school year begins, I want to think about how these silly sayings shape our experience together.

So, former students out there, what do you remember? What has stuck with you? I have my list but I will give extra credit bonus points if you send me a line that is not on my list. Email me, please!

No, I am not going to write about all of them. That would take far too much time. Some of them look different now than they did then; others are not for publication. Some require too much context and explaining to make sense. There are even a few that baffle me!

Right now, my list has around eighty sayings. That feels both like a lot and like very few. What do you remember? Let me know!