Admissions of Grandeur

What does it mean to “cheat?” What does it mean to “have an unfair advantage?”

Wealthy people cheat to get their children into prestigious colleges? They manipulate the law so their children can receive financial assistance designed for people with far greater needs? Really? They do? How unfair! How immoral! How shocking!

Not really. The recent college admissions scandal shouldn’t surprise anyone. Affluent people, especially affluent White people have been gaming this system since the beginning. The even more recent scheme where parents changed their children’s guardianship in order to secure them financial aid is a variation on the same theme.

There are many issues here: affluent (and other) parents’ desire to place their children at prestigious universities, their ruthless and selfish disregard for laws, ethics, and other people, the role of private consultants, private and public schools, and others who facilitate these machinations, and the effects that such efforts have on all students and the institutions they attend. There are other issues, but let’s start there.

Parents with resources have been gaming the college admissions process forever. If you believe that competitive universities select their students based on an honest and forthright evaluation of the candidate’s qualifications, then I would like to charge you several thousand dollars to increase your child’s chances of getting into one.

This is not to say that Snidely Whiplash or Boris and Natasha Badenoff are running college admissions at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford. I am sure admissions counselors are trying to be fair and evenhanded. However, they must know that is impossible.

The idea is that students who are most able and worthy of admission to the most elite institutions are the ones that are chosen is as much a fantasy as the idea that anyone can be president. There is no meritocracy. There is no “standardized” anything. A “holistic” evaluation of a student’s application to college is a euphemism for a subjective judgment based on factors that often have nothing to do with academic credentials.

In his book, Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be, Frank Bruni, writer for the New York Times, discusses the issues of college admittance into highly selective institutions. He notes that children of alumni or celebrities, big donors, students from select private high schools, and elite athletes have an instant advantage. The Operation Varsity Blues scandal certainly focused on how athletics could be manipulated to alter admissions results.

Bruni also discusses a question that should be on the mind of anyone working with students preparing to go to college: why choose one school over another? There is no doubt that putting an Ivy League sticker on your car or sweatshirt on your chest is a status symbol. There is also no denying that a degree from a prestigious university does open doors and create connections that are different than those from the other 90% of post-secondary institutions.

But does every student from Notre Dame, Dartmouth, or Duke become a super-star? Do all of them reap all of those benefits? Obviously not.

Certainly, for some very wealthy families, these universities are nothing more than finishing school. Children from these families have their roads laid out before them by their parent’s power and wealth. They will succeed regardless (or sometimes in spite) of their upper-class status. Bonus points if you can think of any examples of these people.

Do the parents in the tiers below the Bushes, Waltons, Kochs, Rockefellers, and others believe that getting their child into these schools will elevate them into the elites? Perhaps. Do they have admissions of grandeur? Of course! Will going to one of these universities transform junior into a tycoon? Not likely. 

If your children’s worth is built on achievement of almost impossible goals, if you have been stitching together resumes for your children since before they could walk, and if success is dependent on a hair-thin chance of getting into the “right” school, wouldn’t every parent cheat or at least help increase the odds? This is your darling child we are talking about right?

Most parents would not cheat to get our children into college. Most of us know right from wrong. Most of us wouldn’t have the desire or resources. And most of us would have the common sense to know that, to paraphrase the title of Mr. Brunni’s book, that our children will not become the universities they attend.

Yet, there are parents for whom such a nearly impossible target is the goal. Mr. Barnum knew about them. He said one of them was born every minute. Thus an industry has sprung up to cater to their obsession. They promise to take their progeny and make them better than they are, better, stronger, faster, and smarter – and they will charge six million dollars.

How sad to be one of those children. How horrible to have your worth measured by such impossible, impersonal, and shallow goals? How dreadful to not be good enough unless properly labeled. But no price is too high to reach these heights.

The admission mania of parents faking their children’s test scores and financial background, photo-shopping kids into fake sports stars, and paying fortunes to those who stoke their obsessions is an extension of a society of privilege and selfishness. The parents benefit. The colleges benefit. The consultants benefit.

What about the students? What about the applicants they displace or who don’t get financial aid because it was given to more affluent fakers?

Ask that White field hockey player from the suburbs, or better yet, ask her parents.

I Will Not Be THAT Parent!

The recent college admission scandal has increased our awareness of snowplow, lawnmower, and attack helicopter parents. Parents across the nation, especially White affluent parents, are shaking their heads in disbelief and saying, “I am not THAT parent. At least I didn’t do THAT!”

In my more than thirty years in education, I have seen many parents eschew one sin only to turn around and commit another which is just as egregious.

So when someone says they never want to be THAT parent. I am not sure what they mean. Here is what I mean: I will never be the:

Puppet parent who pulls the strings and robs their children of agency. Instead, I teach my children to share control and be responsible members of our family and the community.

Ass wiper parent who does absolutely everything for their children. Instead, I will foster independence and autonomy in my children and help give them tools to solve their problems on their own.

Controlling parent who keeps their children dependent. Instead, I will teach my children how to make choices and decisions and to accept their (and my own) limits of control

Wimpy parent who just can’t say, “no.” Instead, I will play the role of adult and teach my children that actions have consequences even when they are unpleasant and that my child’s power is real and shared.

Alarmist parent who worries about everything! Instead, I will help my children take risks and push their boundaries and realize that my limits are not theirs.

Unpredictable parent who cannot be trusted or relied upon. Instead, I will provide my child with stability and consistency. My word and promise will have meaning. I will be dependable and teach my children that they can rely on me.

Needy parent who leans on their children. Instead, I will have a life beyond my role as a parent and model for my children how adults are multifaceted.

Buddy parent who behaves just like another kid. Instead, I will develop healthy relationships based on our roles as parent and child. We can have fun and enjoy each other without my child becoming my peer. I am healthy enough to have friends of my own. I will encourage and model for my child how to form strong relationships.

Indulgent parent who provides everything. Instead, I will demonstrate to my child that joy does not come from things, but from relationships and actions. I will not substitute bribes for my time and affection.

Pollyanna parent who believes everything will all work out for the best on its own. Instead, my children and I will partner to figure out problems and use reason and research to assess and act on issues and challenges.

Proxy parent who turns the parenting over to others. Instead, I will take responsibility and not farm out my parenting responsibilities to tutors, sitters, and consultants. I will need experts, but they will help and advise my family not act in my place.

Critic parent who drills their children like drafted soldiers. Instead, I will coach gently and celebrate my child’s interests and talents.

Privileged parent who disregards rules and behaves as if he and his children have no limits and are entitled to whatever they want. Instead, I will teach my children to respect others and the systems that make our society work. I will help my children find their humility and generosity and recognize that others’ needs are as (or more) important as their own.

I will check myself when I catch myself with these parental tendencies. I will not ignore my mistakes and my tendency to drift into poor parenting. Instead, I will be a reflective parent who questions his decisions and talks openly about parenting with his wife, children, and other parents – and sometimes reverses course, changes direction, and tries another parenting approach.

None of us is born knowing how to parent. None of us can do it on our own. All parents need a support network. Every child deserves thoughtful adults who ask, why am I doing this? What lessons am I teaching my children?

So we can take far more from this college scandal than the satisfaction of saying, “At least I didn’t do THAT! At least I am not THAT parent!”

How to Get Your Children Into the Right Colleges

It is never too early to start the college process. As we all know, the college your children attend will directly create their future success in every way. The right school is important economically, socially, academically, and this is true for the child as well. In fact, if you haven’t started thinking about how to ensure that your children get into a really good school, a school that will be the envy of your friends and the members of your social group, a school that you will be proud to put on your bumper and sweatshirt, you are basically screwed. Too bad, your child is going to some cut-rate Acme college with all the other schlubs.

But that is NOT you! You are in control and on top of this critical and crucial process and all you need is a roadmap.

We know the things you have already done: you moved to a community with really good schools. You started to drill your children even in utero. You went through numbers, letters, taught your children multiple languages and begin computer programing with baby blocks. You spoke to your children in Sanskrit, Latin, and Esperanto.

You enrolled your child in sports as soon as they could walk. Of course, you chose individual sports because one can’t really count on those other parents to support your children. In their free time, your children should take humanitarian trips to exotic locations, start businesses, run political campaigns, and make guest appearances on national talk shows.

A unique musical instrument is a must! Everyone has caught on about the oboe and bassoon. Your children have mastered the theremin and didgeridoo!

You read the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to your children daily. They are political experts ready to lead their debate teams, congressional clubs, and PACs.

Side note here: if your children resist all these activities, don’t like the drills and skills, you have a loser. Sorry. Be strong and make them what they need to be. Don’t take no for answer. Children can be made in their parents’ image – or even better. Even if your children remind you of yourself at their age, there is still hope.

It is never too early to start to work on the ACT, SAT, and SOB. A test a day keeps bad colleges away, I always say. The more familiar the children are with the tests, the closer you are to that perfect score. Have them start taking the test in the second grade. This will qualify them for gifted opportunities galore!

The gifted track in school is key! Do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a gifted label. Sometimes this may mean visits to doctors and other professionals for evidence. Check with your neighbors for the professionals near you who dispense the diagnoses you desire. If the gifted track is not working, then your child needs special accommodations. It is one or the other, of course! Those expensive tests will come in handy again because extended time is great on college entrance exams!

Homework is a family affair. Work with your children to make sure they understand how you do their homework. Simply doing their homework does not ensure good school performance. They must carefully observe and be able to explain what you have done for them.

Summer is not a break! Computer, writing, architecture, science, and countless other academic camps and gifted summer programs are a must! Make sure they are at a college that everyone will recognize. This begins the relationship. They will have gone to the right school even before they finish the eighth grade!

You will need professional help. A college consultant should be engaged no later than sixth grade. Pick someone who brags that they can get their clients admitted to any school! This expert will give you a break by taking over all the uninteresting form filling and writing and hoops that you must jump through. You don’t have time for all that and your children would just do it wrong or not at all. Pay this specialist to do it for you! They fill out the applications, write the essays, and hound the children. You can continue your wonderful parenting!

If your kids say they want a say in the process, remind them that this far too important for children. They just don’t understand. Someday, they will!

Sign up for every honors class your school offers. Make sure your kids are taking AP, IB, or FU as soon as possible. Send the teachers of these classes generous gifts, and train in your student in teacher handling techniques such as complimentary strategies, kissing up, and “I want to be just like you” tactics. Remind them to tell each teacher that “you changed my life” at least once a semester.

Since your hired gun is doing the heavy lifting, you can sit back and enjoy the constant college conversations. Remember, when you tell people where your children attend, the response should always be awe and envy. Fourteen to twenty-five applications are the absolute minimum. Don’t worry about costs! The worth of a good school is priceless! Admittance is its own reward.

By the end of these eighteen years, your children will have become academic, athletic, and artistic superstars who will achieve and earn more than your peers could imagine. Eventually, they will thank you for all your hard work. Once you are done, you can start a business helping younger parents navigate this perilous journey.

Don’t you wish your parents had done this?

The Push and Pull of Parenting

I have to fight the desire to keep my family in the house and by my side all the time. While the rational side of me knows that my children must be allowed to drive the car, socialize with their friends, and travel overseas, the irrational side of me keeps asking, “what if…?” That irrational side thinks that I must be near them or the horrible “what if” scenarios might come true.

It was wonderful to see my son after he returned from a three-week trip to France. I  missed him. I hadn’t worried much, but now that he was back, I was keenly aware of avoided peril.  After we got home from the airport, he came into my room, where I was reading, and sat down next to me. Soon, since he had been on a plane all day and was seven hours ahead of us, he fell asleep on me. My teenager hasn’t fallen asleep on me since he was a toddler, but there we were.

I didn’t wake him. I didn’t want to. I had been anticipating his return, but now I was even more aware of his vulnerability and frailty. For those few minutes, I wanted to keep him a sleeping child by my side forever. For a little while, I savored being his protector.

But it is an illusion. It is a beautiful illusion that fills me with a joy so powerful, I feel as though I may burst. Yet even as I am aware of my desire to wrap my child in my arms and hold him there forever, I know that doesn’t stop bad things from happening.  I know that I cannot protect him, even as he sleeps by my side. I know that pain and problems are inevitable – and important, and he will not be a fully mature person until he is able to cope with them.

And I don’t want to face that. I want to believe that I have the power to keep my sleeping child from ever confronting the many issues that would break our hearts. He is dreaming, and I am fighting my desire to take up residence in a dream world.

We can talk about resilience. We can extol the virtues of failure and freedom. Yet I would wager that every parent has consciously fought the overprotecting instinct. It is an important and difficult battle. My child may be driving the car, shopping for colleges, and shaving his chin, but I still want to believe that I am his barrier from all that might hurt him. I never have been. I never will be. But I want to be.

I fully understand why some parents call too often, do too much, and hover like the cliché helicopter.

That is the push and pull of parenting. I don’t want to back so far away that I become a distant figure. I don’t want to wrap him in layers of protection so that he can’t feel anything. I don’t want to smother and direct and therefore rob him of independence and agency.

Yet, I don’t want to feel the pain of his pain. Ultimately, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to let either of us do anything that would separate us. Yet, we are separate. He will go to Europe. He will go to college. He will get in the car and drive away.

And I will be anxiously awaiting his return.

Letting Go and Letting Grow

“The hardest part of love is letting go,” say the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Stephen Schwartz. As a parent, letting go may be the most difficult part of the job. Soon, I will put my two children on buses to go to four weeks of overnight camp,. Part of me will delight in the opportunities that their absence makes possible. And they are always eager to get to camp and be with their friends.

But when I get home. I frequently find myself wandering through their quiet rooms. I will miss them before they have been gone as long as a regular school day. I will worry that something might happen to them.

Many parents tend to provide too much protection. When my kids leave my sight, I worry. Usually, I tell myself that such worries are irrational. I tell myself that my kids must learn to function away from their parents. I remind myself that this is how autonomy is learned. Nevertheless, part of me wants to hover over them and protect them from the world.

Although my reasons are valid, the real fact is that I couldn't protect them, even if I were always inches away. To go one step further, even if I were to succeed, I would cause them harm. That’s right, my need to protect them actually creates the problem I am trying to avoid.

As I teacher, I have seen too many examples of this. Over involved parents create children who will not or cannot function on their own. These kids are often immature and unable to independently problem solve. These parents are frequently intrusive and cross boundaries without a thought.

I had a senior in high school not long ago, who needed to rush off to the bathroom to send his mother a text message whenever he got a disappointing grade. Mom would then email me and I would receive the email before the period was over. Another needed his mother to assist him with all papers. He could not write an in-class essay on his own. A third has her mother at her beck and call. Mom would run errands, bring in forgotten assignments, and run interference with school personnel.

While these parents’ intentions are good, their methods actually handicap their children. They mistakenly believe that their child should not have to deal with certain challenges, or issues. They may rationalize that the kids are too young, not yet skilled in problem solving, or too busy with school and activities. The truth is that they don’t want to let go. The truth is they don’t want the child to fail or be hurt.

But harm can mean many things. Is challenge harmful? Is a little frustration or discomfort bad? Education only occurs when we go beyond our comfort zone and really step out into the scary world of “ I don’t know how.” If we never go there, we never really learn.

While I am missing my children (and they may be missing me), they are having a marvelous experience that none of us would exchange for the relief from the loneliness. Discomfort and, yes some pain, are necessary. We need to confront challenges and step out into the big, bad, world in order to discover our power and ourselves. If we do not allow our children to do so, they remain forever children.

I can hear the parent responding, “But she’s only four!” Yes, even at four, even at two! Another lyric from the same song says, “Your children start to leave you on the day that they are born.” It is true. Each new milestone and landmark is a step toward independence. Any hovering, smothering, or protecting we do is liable to hinder that progress.

Of course, we must teach them common sense. We should insist they wear their helmets and seat belts (and do so ourselves as well). That is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about the natural parental impulse to be the bodyguard and pain killer. The well meaning desire to spare our children the critical but difficult pains that will help them do what we most fear: operate independently from us.

Whose Education Is it Anyway?

Let’s face it, teenagers can’t do anything right. If you let them do what they want, they will just hurt themselves and create expensive problems. It is up to their parents to make the right choices, ensure they get good grades, get into good colleges and are able to do the same for their children.

As my children grow up, I supervise every aspect of their lives. Homework is monitored at the kitchen table every night. I sit down with them and get things started and then I guide them through each math problem or science worksheet. I outline their essays in advance and mark important passages in each book. We often read aloud and I go over the themes, characters and other concepts aloud.

When problems arise, which happens all too frequently with children of this age, I take charge and make sure that my kids don’t have to deal with any unpleasantness. If a teacher gives one of my kids a poor grade or they do not make the team or play, or are unfairly punished, I am on the phone right away. Many a time have I had to march right into that school to defend my children! I will not permit anyone, no matter what degrees they may have, to treat my children unjustly.

Each morning, I wake up my kids and get them into the shower. Sometimes, I have to check to be sure that they are using soap. You know how children will be! I make their beds and prepare breakfast while they are getting dressed. As I am laying out their lunches, books, and backpacks, we discuss the agenda for the day. Then we load up the SUV and it is off to school. Time seems to fly and I am always at the head of the line to pick them up at the end of the day. We get home and have a snack that I have prepared in advance. Depending on the evening, we will have a variety of activities and, of course, plenty of homework together.

Recently, we have begun the college search . I attended two programs at the high school discussing this process. I took a great deal of notes and I had lots of questions. I have hired a private college counselor to assist me, and we are developing a close relationship.

I have contacted my child’s favorite teachers and requested letters of recommendation. I am spending my afternoons filling out all the paperwork. There are so many forms to fill out. I am so busy dealing with financial aid surveys, online applications, transcript requests and standardized testing dates.

Frankly, I don’t know what I am going to do when my kids go to college. I want them to go to really good schools, so that means that they will most likely be on the east coast or in northern California. I have researched the costs of condominiums in those areas and I think it is practical to have additional homes near their colleges. I think it is cruel to expect children of this age to move away from their parents. It is not reasonable to think that they can navigate the complexities of college life without their parents’ love and assistance. Besides, whose paying for all this anyway?