No Limits, No Consequences, No Way!

Remember that kid who seemed to have everything, that kid whose parents never said, “no”? Maybe you met on the playground, in class, at camp, or in the neighborhood. Were you jealous of that child? Did you think that child was spoiled? Some of these kids were aware of their wealth, while others seemed oblivious.

Did you also encounter the kid who behaved as if the rules were only for other people? This child acted as if nothing was out of bounds. Some of these kids really didn’t get the idea of consequences, but some didn’t care. Some of them were right! Their parents never said, “no.” Did you have a classmate, work colleague, or neighbor who was able to break the rules and always get away with it?

Sometimes, these kids without limits ruled recess. They gathered a group who would join them on their exploits and pick up their leavings. These followers were wannabes, flatterers, and fans worshiping someone who lived the life they wanted.

What would it be like to have limitless resources? No price would be too high. Nothing would be forbidden. What would it be like to be able to do whatever you wanted, regardless of any rules or results?

If everything is available and disposable, does anything have value? If I am never held accountable for my choices, do I believe the ideas of right or wrong apply to me? These kids certainly understood that the way the world treated them was not true for everyone. That made them special – and they knew it and exploited it.

At a reunion or in the grocery store or sometime later in life, have you run into those special kids? How did they grow up? What kind of adults did they become? Did they embrace limits? Did they become law-abiding good citizens? Or did something else happen?

Although I swam in wealthy waters as a child, my eyes were really opened to this phenomenon in college. It was the first time I met people whose resources were unlimited – and knew it. Although I knew more than a few rebels without a clue in high school, college was also the first time I heard someone refer to laws as “guidelines for idiots.”

What happens when nothing has value because everything can be replaced? What happens to our sense of responsibility when we know we are above the law and no one will dare to call us out? What do we become?

As a teacher, I saw the results of parents who provided limitlessly. I dealt with students whose parents worked very hard to prevent their children from ever feeling the negative results of their choices. Many times, these students had long-term negative ramifications. I was not going to imitate those parents and I didn’t want my children to be like theirs.

Who are those people? I remember exploring the idea of the golden rule with a group of students. One student complained that when he treated another student harshly, it would NOT have bothered him. The other student was just a sensitive wimp. He was treating someone the way he wouldn’t mind being treated. In other words, he projected his values onto the other person: if it isn’t wrong for me to do it, then someone else shouldn’t perceive it as wrong. He couldn’t see it from the other person’s perspective. It wasn’t his problem; it was the other kid’s issue. He, of course, was beyond reproach.

It was this experience that led me to develop what I called the platinum rule: treat others BETTER than you would like to be treated. I don’t know if this would have had an impact on that particular student, but I hope it might have opened up a new way of thinking.

We might wish for limitlessness and far-reaching power, but our inner voice quickly whispers “Monkey’s Paw” warnings. Yet, if the genie always gives you unlimited wishes, why would you wish for world peace? You have never seen a world of strife or need. Would you instead keep wishing to be the biggest, baddest, best, and most powerful person that walked on the planet? More, more, more! Would you care about (or even be aware of) the suffering and unfortunate or would you focus on retribution against anyone who ever dared to burst your bubble?

If I can get whatever I want, very little has value – including relationships and people. If I can do whatever I want, then any obstacle, rule, or restriction is a personal offense. It is a slap in the face from a disrespectful and offensive person and cannot be endured. Yet, if I can purchase anything and get away with everything, then what do I strive for?

Power. You might seek to fill an increasingly deep cavern of desire for satisfaction, novelty, and control. You can have anything anyone else can have and will never be limited by the restrictions that hold back mere mortals. You want what the average folks could never have. You buy politicians, public office, celebrity, and notoriety.

Most of us don’t live in that world. Our limits are all too real. If we really had no limits or consequences, we hope we’d would not become the spoiled and self-centered brat. We might be right. But if you have any real integrity at all, your little inner voice might express doubt and concern. That’s a good thing! That says you have a functioning conscience and some degree of empathy.

Let’s make sure that those who lack that inner voice, who have been disfigured by wealth and power, who see no limits and feel no consequences are never in positions where the rest of us are their pawns and playthings. They will not treat us well.

Exclusion

Teenage social dynamics are difficult for kids to navigate, let alone adults. Children’s social groups build walls so high and strong that kids in the same classroom don’t communicate with each other.

And then there’s the child who is on the outside of all of it. Sometimes these kids are still developing socially. Sometimes, it’s not their fault at all. No matter what, these are children who want friends, but are not making them. What happens when the outcasts reach out? Most of the time they will be rejected. 

Several times, my children have been in the middle between trying to give one of these kids a social opportunity while risking rejection by their own group of friends who want nothing to do with those kids. Sometimes, my children have been rejected. Sometimes, they have been the wall builders.  

So what do I tell my child to do? Be candid with the outcast child about his behavior: “When you jump on furniture and demand attention, it is annoying. I want to have plans with you, but you need to be more socially appropriate.” Most children don’t know how to say this and the outcast child probably can’t do it! Such a tactic is not realistic; most children couldn’t give or take that kind of feedback. 

Children would simply be cruel: “I would like to include you in our plans but I’ve been out-voted. The others don’t want to include you.” This is an evasion. In several cases, my child didn’t want to include the outcast either but felt obligated. Sometimes I insisted my child be inclusive. Sometimes I failed, too. 

We tried to forbid our children from being exclusionary. As Grace Palay put it, “you can’t say, you can’t play.” Yet, kids’ social groups have only limited fluidity and parents have limited control. As parents, we have made it very clear to our kids where we stand. Not all parents work that way. 

Some social groups were built by parents. Some social groups are maintained by them. I often wonder which one controls which? As a teacher, I see how the social worlds of parents and children are intertwined. In many cases, the kids are pawns in the parents’ social games. 

Some parents recommend their children conceal rejection with dishonesty: “Our plans have fallen apart and I have to go home and do homework anyhow.” Does this fool anyone? It is code. We all know what is being said. It is the same as the cruel statement and it is a lie. 

While white (or gray) lies may be easier in the short run, they are the most problematic solution. They avoid dealing with the real issues. They teach both the child lying and the child being lied to that this kind of dishonesty is a real solution; it is a cop out. It teaches kids that you can say and do nasty things if you cloak them in little lies.

Would you advise your child to be totally altruistic? “My friends aren’t comfortable with including you, so I will make plans with you by myself and not go with them.” How many kids reject their friends and run off with the outcasts?  Would your eight, ten, or fifteen-year-old do this? 

This solution is very costly. Very few kids want to be with these isolated children and the child who stands up for him or her often ends up isolated, too. Is losing friends worth reaching out to a child who needs one. Most teenagers will not make that trade. Could they make it once in a while? Is that enough? 

That leaves one option: “Sure, you can join us.” And that is the choice I struggled to get my children and students to make. 

Reading Makes Us Better

Can you remember a book that really stayed with you? Can you remember reading something that shaped the way you saw the world and yourself? Can you point to a piece of writing that opened your eyes and transformed your vision? Some of us can, but I am willing to bet that more of us cannot.

For some of us, that book is a form of scripture. For some of us, it is a work of non-fiction or science fiction, or one of the classics we studied in school. However, I am willing to bet that the books that stick with us, the books we hold dear, are mixes between seeing ourselves in the text and seeing the world in a new light. 

I taught high school for thirty-three years. When I selected literature to teach or plays to direct, there were many criteria. Of course, the work had to be accessible and appropriate for the age and reading level of the students. That doesn’t rule much out. It would also be great if it was something that would hold my students’ attention. That rules almost everything out. 

The truth is, most kids are not readers. Most people are not, either. There are a beautiful group of students who read for pleasure, but most high school and middle school students read only some of what they are assigned. Some of those books stick with them. Most of them wash away before they even turn to the next chapter. 

Being a high school English teacher is challenging  - for this and other many reasons. 

So to maximize student engagement, make reading more appealing, and help students grow intellectually, I chose books that both reflected my students’ experiences and gave them insights into the world outside our little suburb. 

I should probably also note that I taught in an overwhelmingly white school. There were non-white students, but no more than a few in each of my classes. Unlike many schools in America, my school had a significant non-Christian population, primarily Jewish. But we are far from diverse. Most teachers were white. A few, like me, were Jewish, but most were Christian. 

I grew up in a similar nearby community. I went to a local college that was more diverse than my high school but still primarily white and Christian. I taught briefly in a very diverse middle school and then took the first high school job I was offered: back in an affluent white suburb. 

It is critical that students learn to see the world through another person’s perspective and be able to take another person’s point of view. It is a mark of maturation. Small children only see things their own way. That is one of the reasons why it is futile to argue with a toddler. 

Yet, my high school students often struggled to articulate multiple sides of an argument. They sometimes could not understand why someone would interpret literature differently than they did. They could only see the world their way. Thus, the critical role of reading and analyzing narratives. 

Stretching that perspective is powerful and sometimes challenging, difficult, and stressful. We talk about growing pains when our children’s bodies mature. Their minds and intellectual capabilities also grow. Just as their bodies can be damaged if they are not eating nutritious foods, their abilities to think critically, and see others’ perspectives must also be nurtured and supported. Some growth happens no matter what we do. Some growth won’t happen unless we water and cultivate the soil. 

Literature is a great vehicle to foster this kind of maturation. When a story is compelling and well written – and the reader is engaged – we are transported to another point of view. We see a new world and experience it from the inside out. We can’t claim that we didn’t know those words would hurt, the narrator both tells and shows us their effect. We get a kind of guided tour of other people, fictional, real, and shades in-between. We truly walk around inside another person for a while. It goes much further than, “How would you like it if they did that to you?” 

This is why some groups see certain books as dangerous. Books immerse the reader in the complexity of personhood. They complicate hate. They provide vicarious experiences and give them context. They are more powerful than any slogan or dogma. This is one reason why many religious figures taught using stories and parables. 

A professor with whom I studied said that human beings should be classified as homo narras because we are the creatures who tell stories. Telling stories, trying them on, living inside them, and learning their meanings and messages makes us better humans and makes us more humane. Movies, television, and other forms of stories can do this, too, but they lack the inner voice, without the perspective and feeling from our point-of-view character, they will never be able to reach our hearts and minds like a good book! 

This is why reading stories, whether they are children’s books, fiction, biography, scripture, or other forms of written narrative, helps to develop us into more empathetic and mature people. It is certainly not the only way to foster these critical skills, but it is a tool we must promote and protect!

Prayer to the People

Fellow citizens of this great country

Built on hope and horror

Liberty and inequality

Invention and detention 

Arise now in these difficult days 

And illuminate the world with the depth of your decency  

Fellow citizens of this tortured land

Who struggle daily 

With illness, violence, and questions of truth

Lean into the wisdom of good books and good people 

Love your neighbor and

Bring the fairness that can only come 

From just us 

Oh, beautiful Americans, 

Obey your better natures 

Not despots or desperation

Care for the desperate and dispirited

Choose goodness and generosity

Open your arms wide 

Embrace each other 

And the future 

I Still Believe That Americans Are Good At Heart

Anne Frank wrote, “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” 

I believe that Americans want what is best for the country and that a vast majority can see beyond their own parochial interests. I believe that most Americans are kind, compassionate, and empathetic. I believe they want the truth and are upset by those who would manipulate, lie, or deceive them. In spite of everything, I still believe that Americans have their country’s best interests at heart. 

Now, more than ever, it is difficult to argue that Americans are people of integrity and generosity. Racism, anti-Semitism, and hatred are growing. Rather than helping their neighbors, we see pictures of people flaunting common sense and endangering themselves and others. How could I say that these people are good at heart? 

The past months have been extremely difficult. Some of us have borne those challenges more than others. Some of us have taken more precautions than others. Some of us have faced the dangers directly and others have provided support. Some of us have ignored, denied, or defied the recommendation of scientists trying to contain this pandemic. 

We are afraid. We fear that we will get sick or those we care about will get sick. We long for a return to our lives before the arrival of coronavirus. We want to plan again. We want to leave our homes. We want to hug and touch again. We want to feel some kind of control. It is so frightening to feel out of control. Yet, we don’t all have the same response to this situation. 

When someone is drowning, they will cling to anything that is thrown to them. They are desperate. An anvil or a life preserver? A boat or a bomb? People in crisis don’t make measured choices or thoughtful decisions. They react instinctively. They are guided not by thought, but by feeling and instinct. They are not their best selves. 

While we may be tempted to rush to judge our neighbors and friends who are making different choices, I urge us to stop and consider: how can we best help them and the community? What can we do to ensure that people who are drowning are given boats and life preservers? What can we do to the stop the hate and start the healing, even before there is a vaccine? How can we be agents of positivity and well being? 

The first step is to see our fellow Americans for what they are: frightened and frustrated, grasping for whatever might help them stay afloat. If that means denying the reality in front of them or demonizing people who look different, it might be because they can’t tell a boat from a bomb. 

I am not excusing the hatred, racism, sexism, and cruelty. It is wrong. It isn’t going away any time soon, but it must stop and our racist structures must change. It would be helpful to have more of us on board with this idea. I believe, deep at heart, most of us share the idea that everyone should be treated fairly both under the law and beyond it. 

Which leads us to the key question. Those folks, those people without masks, spewing hate, believing absurd fantasies, and pushing us further into a dark age, what would ever convince them to treat everyone fairly? I don’t know. I know that “discussions” on social media don’t seem to do anything but further reinforce the ideas we already have. 

Compassion, empathy, listening, loving, kindness, caring, and integrity are not weapons, but tools by which our behavior can actively show “them” that there is another path. We can love our neighbor, even when our neighbor is working very hard to be hateful. 

It is not going to be easy. I don’t know who will win this election, but we will need to heal each other. I hope our leaders will help us do that, but I am not going to wait or depend on them. 

I am proud to be an American. This is my country and I am committed to helping make it the best it can be for everyone. My arms are open wide enough to embrace our diversity and disagreement. We can be united even if we are not in agreement.

Reading for Treasure: February

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! Here are some articles to read discussing how we can both mentally and physically protect our children and ourselves:

10 Reasons Teens Have So Much Anxiety Today: This quick article from Psychology Today lists specific reasons that teens today may be much more anxious than we were at their age. It is a good checklist for parents!

Teach Your Kids To Value Empathy Over Tenacity: Years ago, my congregational rabbi’s High Holiday sermon asked, “Would you rather your children be successful or good?” Kids know what we really value by our behavior, even if our actions don’t always match. This short Lifehacker article provides a good example of why empathy should be higher on most parents’ lists.

Encourage Teens to ‘Speak Before You Send’: This Lifehacker article is a great companion to the one above. I think we hear language very differently than we see it. When I just read my text or email in my head, it sounds fine. When I read it aloud, I hear it very differently. This is makes reading aloud a great editing tool – not only for writing skills but for empathy as well.

Bicyclists Should Be Shamed Into Wearing Helmets: This Chicago Tribune column takes a humorous angle on a very simple message: wear a helmet when riding a bike. I love the old man voice in this article. When my kids were growing up, we always said that you only needed to wear a helmet if you had something to protect…

10 quick thoughts on mobile phones in schools: This quick list from Dangerously Irrelevant really says that the problem is not phones. There are other issues and classroom phone struggles are really about teaching, the structure of schools, and the use of technology for learning. I agree!

I’m currently reading The Fated Sky by Mary Robinette Kowal

Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

No One Should Go Through This: Empathy and Action

Remember with me:

You were in a store or a mall or the zoo or another large place and you realized you could not locate your parents. You looked where they were last and they are not there. As you realize you are lost, the panic wells up inside you. Maybe you cry. Maybe you crumple to the ground. There are no cell phones. You don’t know anyone. You feel completely helpless.

You turn for two seconds to pay for the clothes or to check your watch or make sure you didn’t leave a bag at the table and your child has disappeared. You search the area and you cannot see your child anywhere. Perhaps you are hanging on to another child or a stroller or turn to your partner. Your heart is racing. Where is my child?

You are trying to go to sleep. You have been properly tucked in and all the bedtime rituals have been completed. The light streams out from under your door and you can hear the television and your parent on the phone. You think, “what is my mommy or daddy wasn’t there when I woke up? What if they left? What if they didn’t come back? What if they died?” Before you complete the chain of thoughts, you are crying into your pillow. You tell yourself that nothing has happened. That everyone is at home and watching TV, but somehow merely imagined disaster has upset you so much that sleep is now impossible.

You are awakened by sobs or maybe yelling. You rush to the source of the sound and find your child thrashing in bed, wrestling a nightmare. You gently put your arms around them and turn on a night-light. The child is disoriented, still feeling the residual emotion and not sure what is going on. “It’s alright,” you tell your child, “Everything is fine. You’re fine. I’m here.”

You don’t want to go to the funeral, but you must. You don’t want to consider the possibility that someone so young could die. While you have strong feelings for the parents, you sit in a special place of denial. This sort of thing can’t happen, doesn’t happen, especially to people like us. As you wait to greet the parents, you grip your resolve and try to remember what to say. You fight the tears. They are the grieving parents, not you. Yet you cannot help but see yourself in them, and your child in their loss.

The phone rings. It is late at night or early in the morning. The voice of your child startles you to alertness, “I’ve been in an accident.” Your mind races with questions. Your child has few answers beyond where they are and what is going on. They are at the police station or the hospital or on the side of a road. You are putting on your clothes and grabbing your keys and wallet and rushing out of the house.

The image of a parent being separated from their child at the border is one I don’t want to think about. I can see it all too clearly. I can imagine the child who is lost, confused, and thrust into a strange and terrifying place without any signs of safety. I haven’t been there, but my experiences allow me to empathize and I resist that feeling because it is so gut-wrenching.

I cannot imagine causing this.  

While not all of us are parents, we were all children. Let us remember what this feels like. Regardless of politics, economics, or any other artificial distinction, let us be human. Let us treat each other humanely.

The events at the border are horrifying in a visceral and primal way. Let us do everything we can to reunite children and their parents. No one’s child should be a pawn in a political maneuver.

Here are a few articles that will help you take action:

Five Things You Can Do from Rolling Stone

List of organizations to which you can donate

An updated list of organizations working to end the separation

Seven Ways to Take Jewish Action (not only for Jewish people)