Pissing in the Pool: The Broken Social Contract

Recently, a doctor in Alabama stated he would not treat unvaccinated people. It was simply too painful to watch them die. Many of these people, says another doctor, ask for the vaccine as they are being put on the ventilator. 

It is appropriate to feel sorry for people who have made poor decisions like this. Certainly, there are people who, due to medical conditions or circumstances beyond their control, cannot get the vaccine. But what about the willfully and proudly unvaccinated? What about those who could and should be vaccinated, but won’t? 

What happens when people who have been hateful, hurtful, and horrible need help and those of us who have taken proper precautions pay the price of their poor choices? What is our obligation to the unvaccinated, unmasked, Clorox and Ivermectin taking folks? What happens when some people, who place their own desires, feelings, and “rights,” above the wellbeing of the entire community, fill hospitals to capacity so that there isn't even room for children with cancer?  Should we rush to Texas’s and Florida’s aid even if they are outlawing the very actions that would make their situation better?  

The idea of a social contract is  “(a)n implicit agreement among the members of a society to cooperate for social benefits, for example by sacrificing some individual freedom for state protection.” While you may never need the fire department, you pay taxes to have one because it helps the community as a whole – and if someday you should need it, it will be there for you. We all get this idea – or do we? 

“But I don’t trust the government,” someone replies. “It is my right not to wear a mask,” cries another. “You can’t make me get the vaccine,” says the third. Yet, people who have these views are treated in our hospitals like any other. Their children are going to school and potentially spreading COVID. They are making it impossible for children or teachers who are immunocompromised to return to school at all. 

At this point, arguing with them doesn’t seem like it is working. While loving responses and listening and acknowledging their fears may be a way to reach them, that does not address the current preventable crisis. And can that be scaled up to address all of them? They have made their choice clear: their individual choice (which they see as rights) are more important than the social good. Me first, us last. 

Last year, the folks making these claims said that COVID deaths were an acceptable cost for reopening businesses and that we should “sacrifice the weak.” More recently, a woman at a Trump rally compared this situation to “separating the sheep from the goats” which is a reference to a parable from the Gospel of Matthew. Ironically, the sheep are saved and the goats are lost. The unvaccinated woman identified herself correctly as a goat. 

Yet, we are paying for and cleaning up their messes – and it is quite expensive! We are spending billions of dollars to treat unvaccinated people and their choices may mean higher insurance premiums for all of us. Should we endorse their logic and put these goats out to pasture?  

We are an interdependent society; our choices significantly affect far more people than ourselves. We are not living in isolation. Regardless of whether you accept the social contract, we are still all swimming in the same pool.  

Why withhold help from those who need it? Why persist in holding a grudge against unfortunate and misinformed people? What good comes out of hurting those already in pain? Is the suffering of COVID a reasonable consequence for being arrogant and super selfish? 

I don’t think hospitals will stop treating willfully unvaccinated people. It is unlikely that large numbers of doctors will refuse to treat them. But there is an exodus of healthcare professionals leaving the field, and that will affect everyone. 

Here’s the issue: Should the willfully unvaccinated get care despite their disregard for the chaos they create or do we back off and let them suffer the consequences of their choices, even though that, too, could be deadly. 

If you run a red light, you get a ticket. If you leave your child in a hot car, that’s child abuse. If you drive under the influence…There are consequences when people flagrantly break the social contract. Defying mask mandates is against the law and prohibiting them is certainly a breach of contract. What about vaccination? 

It’s a lose-lose scenario if there ever was one. Thanks, assholes. 

Red Lights Oppress My Freedom: I am Declaring Independence!

Why do people – or should I say, sheeple - stop at red lights? Who gives anyone the right to tell me how to drive my car? It is my car, it does not belong to the state! Why should I be forced to give up my freedom just to make way for some idiot? Why should others be able to go while I am made to wait? That’s not fair!  

Stop signs and speed limits are against the constitution! Freedom and liberty for all doesn’t mean stopping and slowing down! Don’t tread on my right to go wherever I want however I want whenever I want. That is my right as an American! That is what makes America great! I don’t stop for anything! 

The government wants total control. Not only do they make me stop, they want me to give them my money in taxes. They are thieves and this is anti-freedom robbery! No one can tell me that I have to give MY money! I choose what I do with my money and if I decide I don’t want the government to have it, then it is my right as an American to say, no! No, taxation without represent – without anything!  

Why should I pay for electricity or water or wifi? Those things are natural resources which means they belong to everyone! Nature is mine because it is in America and I am an American! No one charges me for the air, but just wait! I shouldn’t have written that because that will give the regressive idiots in charge an idea for another way to try and put the squeeze on me! Cable is too damn expensive anyway! It should be free to everyone! 

I am sick and tired of people who think they are so high and mighty trying to tell me what I can or cannot do! It is my birthright as an American to have no limits, no rules, no restrictions at all! The army should come in and get rid of those morons who think that we should give everyone everything! They want healthcare, preschool, whatever they ask for! No way! Everyone should get what they deserve and I deserve freedom! 

It’s like what has been happening with voting. It is too easy to vote! People should not just be given ballots, they have to earn them! Only real Americans are worthy of voting and those who don’t agree with me shouldn’t be able to vote ever! That would take care of these liberal socialist government giveaways. 

I got this letter telling me I had to go to the courthouse for jury duty! Jury duty? Who asked you? I don’t have time for that! There are plenty of people who have nothing to do, let them take care of jury duty! You can’t make me! 

And they aren’t going to get my guns! Not a chance. I can have as many guns as I want and no one gets a say in that. The second amendment means that I can shoot anything I want. I can have automatics and shotguns and, hell, I might even get a tank! Try to stop my tank, red light! 

I didn’t sit in school for ten years to be told that I had fewer rights than someone who came here yesterday! So many special interest groups get special treatments. They kiss up to politicians and get fancy stuff. That is what is wrong with America today. Everyone is equal! Everyone has the same chances. If you made mistakes, suck it up and deal with that. If you don’t have the guts to grab what you can, then you don’t deserve it. That’s how all these rich guys got rich in the first place; they grabbed what they could and ran! We need more people like that. 

So take my advice, forget those red lights, throw away those tax bills, and do what you want. America is the home of the free and the land of the brave enough to take what is theirs. I don’t owe anything to anyone. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. So there! Happy July Fourth! Give me fireworks!

COVID-19: No Them, Just Us

As you finally get away from the sinking ship and are huddling in the little lifeboat adrift in the middle of the ocean, you notice a person sitting near you with a drill. They are drilling into the floor of the boat! You are shocked and yell at them, “You can’t do that, you’ll sink the ship! We’ll all drown!” The person looks up at you with a sneer and says, “What do you care, it is my seat!”

 

During this time of crisis, it is increasingly evident that individual actions have far-reaching community consequences. It is frightening that some stranger, because they do not take precautions could start a chain reaction that would affect hundreds of people – or more.

People are weary of sheltering at home and are struggling economically. It is unsurprising that some are celebrating as states reopen.  There is no doubt that people can’t stay at home if they can’t feed their families.

 

There you have it.

 

If people can’t feed their families, they can’t stay at home. If they leave their homes to work, we risk spreading this disease and hurting everyone. Therefore, it benefits all of us to support people who need assistance! Helping the needy benefits the entire community.

 

We need everyone to be safe and fed at home. It isn’t just about THEM. It is important to US! Or more succinctly, there is no them, there is only us.

 

Similarly, if people are scared to call health professionals because they can’t afford to pay, they are more likely to ignore illness or go to work sick. Everyone should be able to call a doctor if they are ill. If they do not do so, the community at large is at risk. Universal healthcare benefits all of us.

 

The term herd immunity is in the news a great deal. Herd immunity means that, when a great enough percentage of the population is immune to an illness, those who are not immune are protected because the odds of someone giving them the illness are small. But in order to create that percentage, everyone must have access to health care, vaccines, and doctors. The whole herd is in the boat; we are all adrift in this storm. Our well being is inextricably linked to everyone else’s.

 

What does it mean to be a member of a community? What does it mean to be a member of a family? A family is a smaller community. It means that our lives and our welfare are interconnected. It means that we sink or swim together! It means that our choices, for better or for worse, affect the whole – even when we are not aware of it. It means taking responsibility for this awesome responsibility. It means making mature and measured decisions that acknowledge the far-reaching impact of our seeming personal choices.

 

Americans love their independence. We want the freedom to do what we want to do, virus be damned. No one gets to tell us what to do! But that freedom comes with a price and an obligation. It isn’t free and it isn’t without limits.

 

As citizens, we must participate in our communities. This goes way beyond voting, jury duty, or even paying taxes. Most of us would sacrifice for our families and friends. Most of us would rush them to the hospital, give them money and support, and deny our own needs to meet theirs. This is what we need to do now for the health and well being of our community and country.

 

Sheltering in place is not simple. Masks are not comfortable. Staying home is problematic. For reasons too long to list here, for many, it is beyond challenging.

 

However, no one may drill a hole in a seat. If they do, we all go down. Therefore, we must make sure that everyone’s seat is safe and secure. We must make sure that everyone has enough of everything. We must make sure that everyone has access to healthcare. We must take care of everyone or more people will become sick and die.

 

I want to get my haircut, go to a restaurant, and attend family gatherings. I can’t right now. I am privileged to have enough money to stay home and not worry about my family’s basic needs. Both individuals and our governments must take deliberate and thoughtful actions to make sure that everyone can safely stay home – and for those who are doing jobs that are essential like doctors, first responders, grocery workers, and others – we as a community must ensure that they are also safe on the ship! Without them, we will not survive the voyage.

 

Protesters who are flaunting distancing and shut down orders are endangering everyone. They are drilling holes in their seats and endangering the ship that is rescuing our children, parents, and all whom we hold dear.

 

This is not about rights or being told what to do. It is about duty, responsibility, and safety. We, not them, must choose to protect each other. We, not them, are sacrificing in order to save each other. Everyone must participate. Everyone must give to save all of us. And everyone must do their part.

Your Behavior in High School Matters: The Past is Never Really Past

This week’s Supreme Court hearings are appropriately the subject of a great deal of discussion. They should be. The issues are weighty and important. One of the smaller lessons to take from this event is that what happens in high school does not stay in high school. What happens in college does not get forgotten.

Whether it is “boys will be boys” or “the best years of your life” or “you only live once” or any other rationalization for problematic choices – or worse – being young does not give you a free pass.

It should not.

I am not the person I was in high school or college, and I am happy about that. It is my strong belief that, as people age, they get better. However, that doesn’t mean that high schoolers’ decisions are without weight or should be casually excused.

Parents are concerned about academic behavior and place great importance on them. I have heard ad nauseam that a single B in a class could be a life sentence. Not getting into a college, earning a poor test score, or being closed out of a course are often viewed as life-altering.

There are many other choices that are life-altering. Sometimes, these choices are the means of discovering and creating our senses of self. Some choices reveal ourselves. This process of navigating decision-making is critical to the process of becoming adult. 

I have written about the car crash on October 13. While such events are many feel extreme, they are no more extreme than what happened to Dr. Ford. Attempts to minimize the power of teenage misbehavior may be an attempt to excuse or explain away its weight. This fails to recognize that, once we have some degree of independence, we must accept some degree of responsibility.

When I was in high school, very few people were carrying cameras all the time. Certainly, the photographic records of my classmate’s deeds and misdeeds were not posted publically. Social media makes this lesson all the more critical. What if Brett Kavanagh’s high school experience was chronicled by more than his calendar and yearbook?

I want my students to hear clearly: what you do today affects your future and the future of people around you, some of whom you may not even know. No one has a “get out of responsibility free card.” Or no one should.

I want my students to understand that the choices they make today, for better or for worse, will ride with (and within) them forever. What they choose to do about those choices, how they deal with them, confront them, or address them is a critical test of their maturity.

I want my students to be able to recognize problematic behavior in themselves and others and deal with it in a healthy way. When they make mistakes, I want them to learn to own those errors, and then recognize and repair what they have done to the fullest degree possible – and to work to make sure such things do not happen again to them or anyone else.

Teenage drug use, pregnancy, sexual assault, and other adolescent issues are not minor because those doing them are young. We often debate if individuals under eighteen should be “charged as adults.” When the crime is serious, we often argue that youthfulness does not save them from adult accountability. It certainly doesn’t save those whom they have hurt.

Hopefully, a small positive effect of the Brett Kavanaugh hearings is that it helps kids recognize their power and responsibility. I hope they hear the message the past is never really past. The choices we make  - and how we grow up and deal with them – become the substance of ourselves. 

The Struggle of Long Distance Parenting

The camp called to say that my son was ill. He had spent a day or two in the infirmary and they thought he might have pneumonia. They were going to take him to the hospital for x-rays. The camp nurse through it was pneumonia. The camp doctor didn’t. The nurse was right. They treated him and, about a week later, I could not get to camp fast enough to pick him up. I won’t tell you how fast the four-hour drive took us.

When we pulled up to camp and my son was waiting, sitting on the fence, with all the rest of the kids, looking and behaving like himself, I was so relieved it was hard to remain composed. I had been so worried. My child was away from home and sick; I was powerless to help him, but he was okay.

While it did occur to me to swoop in, scoop him up, and spirit him home to the doctor, it took all of my self-control to stay home and wait for updates. I am glad I did. He didn’t need me. He was in good hands. My anxiety was not his anxiety.

Letting go is difficult. Letting your children take care of their own challenges, especially when they are far away, is even more challenging. The line between helping and smothering, between robbing a child of power and being a supportive parent is especially difficult to find – and more so during difficult times. And it is even more difficult when they are older.

Helping younger children be independent problem solvers is what parents are supposed to do. Solving the problem for the child, especially when the child is a teenager – or older – is what parents are supposed to avoid.

Facing tests is how children learn independence, problem-solving, and gain competence and confidence. I know, in my head, that I need to let the kids solve the problem and rushing in to rescue them robs them of agency. I have written about how my parenting prime directive is don’t do anything for the child that they can do for themselves.  

My challenge is that I desperately want to save them! Their pain is my pain. Sometimes, I may be in more pain. I can always rationalize that the stakes are high and that I am only assisting and not taking over. Even as I am thinking this, part of me knows it is not true. I have learned to recognize these tendencies and step back.

It was difficult to do this when my children were in younger and living at home. It is much more difficult when they are far away. Long distance parenting is far more difficult than hands-on parenting for me. When I am hundreds of miles away, I cannot step between my child and the discomfort or difficulty. My child must act. I must take a backseat role and assist, often by being no more than a sideline voice. And my child gets to choose what they want to do with my suggestions.

I have written about my elder child’s experience in Africa. So I was delighted when my younger child chose to go to Paris. That felt way more reasonable and safe, especially considering all that happened to his sister in Nairobi.

His journey to Paris was fraught with travel snafus. The program wanted him to arrive during his final week. His home campus is an hour away from the airport. The first flight was diverted, and he got stuck and had to find a hotel room. He missed the second flight and had to be rebooked and thus missed the beginning of his program. When he finally arrived in Paris, his luggage didn’t and he had an internship interview the next day; he only had the clothes he had worn for three days.

And there was nothing his father could do but track flights and wait for a call.

You know what? He worked it out. He had the interview and got the internship. He has the skills to take care of himself – and he knows how to call his father and ask for assistance when he needs it.

That wasn’t the problem or rather, his problem. The problem was my own sense of urgency and anxiety: my own need to make it okay for him and prevent him from feeling what I was feeling. Nope.

Parenting is about the child. Over-parenting is about the parent. The parent makes excuses that sound like they are protecting, saving, or otherwise helping the child. What they are really doing is making life better for themselves, alleviating their own feelings that they attribute to the child.

Growing up can be messy. The issues that I have encountered are almost laughably “first world” and simple. They didn’t feel that way to me at the time. They felt urgent and dangerous – to me.

We have heard over and over, parents need to let their children be independent. It’s true. The take away is that we, the parents, need to swallow our need to smother and save and let the kid struggle. We need to recognize that our discomfort is not their discomfort. We can be allies and assistants, but only when our children call us in – and sometimes not even then.

I was proud of how my son handled – and continues to handle – challenges in a foreign country. I am delighted by his resourcefulness and street smarts. I know he has practiced them because his father has almost no hair- and plenty of practice swallowing his desire to save!

The Myth of Independence

When we are driving on the highway, we see ourselves as free agents. Our actions are individual and separate, affecting only us. When someone cuts us off, we are angry. When lights prevent us from entering the highway as soon as we can, we are frustrated because we cannot get to our destinations as quickly as possible.  We are upset with the driver who sneaks into a lane at the last minute. We speed along the highway and curse those who get in our way.

The truth is, if we let everyone merge, drove at a consistent speed, and obeyed the lights that regulate on-ramps, we’d have far less traffic. If we didn’t talk on our phones in the car, we’d all move more quickly. Counter-intuitively, everyone would get to their destinations more quickly if we thought about other people, too.

Traffic author Tom Vanderbilt put it well, “The individual driver cannot often understand the larger traffic system.” 

In other words, if we stopped thinking about ourselves only and acted in a way that helped everyone, we  all would benefit. Our independence is an illusion. We are part of an enormous interconnected network. We stubbornly cling to the fact that we have a right to make our own choices, and we do, but are we making the right choices?

When we are sick, we call our doctors and ask for antibiotics. Even though some doctors refuse to prescribe antibiotics in circumstances that do not warrant them, many people can find ways to get these drugs anyway. The result of this overuse of antibiotics (and their use in food animals as well) may eventually mean that these drugs are useless to all of us. According to the Mayo Clinic, Antibiotic Stewardship is similar to the highway situation; if I only think about myself and do what I want without thinking about my relationship to the greater system, everyone is hurt.

We need to stop thinking that we are independent and realize that our actions have a greater impact. We are, in fact, interdependent. Unless one is a hermit on an island, one’s actions are part of an ever-changing and highly complex system.

Here’s one more metaphor: When studying family dynamics, I was introduced to the work of Virginia Satir, who compared the relationships in a family system to a mobile that hangs above a baby’s crib. Pull any dangling piece of the mobile and the entire mobile changes. Remove or add a piece and the mobile must find a new equilibrium. Imagine that mobile writ large with millions of pieces.

I am a teacher. It is easy to think that, when I close my classroom door, my decisions affect only my students. Most teachers know that this is far from the case. Students come into class bringing their knowledge, relationships, and feelings from experiences in and out of the school. NPR recently reported how domestic violence “hurts not only the kids who witness the violence but also their classmates.” The climate of a school has a profound influence on every person in the building. Like the highway, schools and classrooms are interdependent systems.

We live in a global economy. Our neighbors’ choices affect the neighborhood. What one passenger brings on a plane could hurt everyone else on it. Uninsured motorists or hospital patients raise the cost of insurance for everyone! Of course, we have freedom of choice and speech, but is it still not okay to yell, “Fire!” in a crowded theater. 

We are not alone. We are not independent. We are part of a highly complex and interdependent system that is beyond our ability to visualize. There are very few victimless crimes or repercussionless choices. In each of our daily lives, we are throwing rocks into the water and creating unfathomable ripples!

The old rationalization of “but I am only one person, what does it matter” may have been what many British people were thinking during the Brexit referendum. Now they must face up to a problematic and painful exit from the European Union that will affect the entire world. Their votes counted, even if they didn’t cast them!

Asking how our choices will affect the world around us is not just an act of humility. Moving beyond our selfish solipsism is an act of adult responsibility. Realizing that our everyday decisions affect more than one person is critical to the wellbeing of all of us.

College Readiness Beyond ACT’s Standards

When my children were younger, I read a great deal about kindergarten readiness. My friends were concerned that their children had to know their letters and numbers before starting school. They also wanted to make sure that their kids would be able to separate from them and work well in a classroom.

As a Senior English teacher, I work with students on college essays and preparing for college academic work. And while there is no perfect predictor of college success, there are clear ways that students demonstrate that they are ready for college life.

When I did some research on college readiness, the vast majority of information was on academic preparation; ACT has published its College and Career Readiness Standards that outline the knowledge and skills students should have to succeed in college level classes. While this is certainly an important, maybe the most important, factor of college readiness, academic preparation is only one part of the college experience. I have met many students who are academically ready for college work, but not ready for the college experience. What are some key ways that students show us that they are ready for college?

The most basic way that students demonstrate college readiness is through basic school organization skills. Students ready for college can manage their own academics. They turn work in and turn it in on time (for the most part). They are aware of course standards, and understand what they need to do to meet them.

Similarly, students who are ready for college have begun to be independent self-advocating learners. They choose what is important to learn, and reach out to their teachers and other school staff when they have questions or issues. They are no longer passive recipients of curriculum but have become critical co-creators of their classes. Perhaps as important, they have developed multiple strategies to figure out what to do when they don’t know what to do; in other words, they know how to teach themselves!

One of the key warning signs that students are not ready for college is when they cannot function without consulting their parents. Parents who have put their children in the backseat for the college process create a dependency that often continues into college. Perhaps that is the point. Parents who are not ready to accept their children’s nascent adulthood may be more likely to enable them to remain children in order to keep the relationship from changing. Using excuses like, “my child is too busy,” “this process is too important,” and “he doesn’t really know much about college” are all rationalizations that are really saying that students are not able to function on their own. This may also say that the parent cannot or will not let the child become an independent and self-sufficient person. Perhaps getting away and going to college is just what the child needs, but without being able to function independently, college may be very challenging.

Lack of interest in college is certainly an issue as well. Many students are afraid to tell their parents or teachers that they aren’t interested in going to college. College talk is pervasive and ubiquitous. A student who does not see him or herself on the college path may feel isolated and uncomfortable when it feels like that is all anyone wants to discuss.

Some of the students who have taken time off from college or been unable to remain on a four-year traditional campus have done so because they found the social aspects of college far more enticing than academics. A student must, to some degree, have the ability to emotionally self-regulate. This is clearly a developmental issue. While social skills are critical for college success, the student who is unable to manage his or her own emotions, differ gratification, calm him or herself, or balance needs and desires is going to have significant challenges as a college student.

Related to this, students who are regularly using drugs, alcohol, or other substances are also going to find that college makes it easier to engage in many self-destructive behaviors. This makes college very attractive to them – and sometimes to their parents who may be eager to get them out of the house. However, these students’ substance use is likely going to sabotage their college careers.

What if a student is not ready for college? Why not do what we did twelve years earlier? Why not teach these skills and traits? Gap year programs focus on many of these issues. Of course, not all students are ready in all of these areas, but if students don’t have most of them, college is going to be far more than academically challenging.