My Parenting Prime Directive

Captain Picard’s Prime Directive dictates that powerful visitors from space may not interfere in the natural development of the places they visit. As a parent, I do not want to interfere in natural development of my children. My first rule of parenting is that I will not do anything that my children could do for themselves!

Even if it means that my children may struggle or become frustrated, it is critical to allow them to “figure it out for themselves” rather than swoop in and rescue them. This is easy to do sometimes and difficult to do when the stakes are higher. However, whether it is tying shoes or applying to college, my job is to help my kids to function independently. A child who functions autonomously is building a sense of confidence and power. Children whose parent do everything (or almost everything) for them learn that power is external and they must find ways to siphon off second hand power; the skills that kids need to piggyback parental power are often negative and destructive.

Yes, it is easier and faster to solve our kids’ problems for them. It is frustrating to watch and wait while children struggle and sometimes fail. Yet robbing them of failure is robbing them of growth. The rationalization is often that the price of that the task, whatever it is, is “too important to be left to the child.” Parents use this excuse to justify intervening about grades, social issues, college applications, try-outs, and of course to “protect” the child. The fact is, these are all too important to be accomplished by the parent. This doesn’t mean that parent must be completely hands-off. However, the parent must be the child’s guide and assistant, not the other way around. By snatching these “important” tasks away from our children, we keep them children and slow their maturation.

Teachers can recognize students whose parents do it all for them. They fear failure and often are scared of learning. They are resistant to feedback and see criticism as personal and insulting. They often threaten teachers with parental retribution! One of these students felt slighted when he didn’t receive credit for writing incorrect answers on a quiz, even though his answers showed he hadn’t learned the material. “I should get something anyway,” he whined to me. “My mom will be calling you.”

Early in the year, teachers get calls from these kids’ parents. They refer to themselves in the plural, ‘When we worked on that assignment,” or “We weren’t sure of the instructions.” Some teachers call them “butt wipers” or other names that suggest that they do not let their kids do even the most basic tasks. By cultivating kids’ dependence, they are infantilizing their children.

If we teach our kids to use their power, we must also teach them to make good decisions and hold them accountable for them. I am in awe of the parents who, when I called and told them that their child had plagiarized, said, “Throw the book at him!” We all know parents who will do anything to prevent their kids from feeling the negative effects of poor decisions. Not only does this undercut a child’s feeling of autonomy, but it also teaches them that they are above the law; the rules don’t apply to them. That is a lesson that is connected to a host of problems from bullying to substance use.

Fostering independence in our children teaches them that they have power and how to use it. It cultivates competence and confidence. It may be the most important trait of great parenting.