Parenting By Proxy

Recently, I was listening to an episode of This American Life that talked about parents who were seeking human growth hormones for their children (usually their sons) because they wanted them to be taller. There was nothing medically wrong with their children, they just didn’t want them to be short. They wanted to give them the most advantages they could, and if a drug could give them height, they saw this as a good thing. Of course, you can guess the other part of this equation; these were affluent suburban parents.

In the past, if you were short, you had no choice. Parents of short children, often short themselves, would teach their kids what that meant and how it might be different than being other heights. And even though there is not much long-term data on the effects of synthetic human growth hormone on otherwise healthy kids, parents can now have a cosmetic medical procedure and none of that parenting is necessary.

Similarly, if a child is not doing well in school, a parent can ask the school to do testing. Sometimes that testing shows a learning issue. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes, a child’s performance in class, according to the school, may not even warrant the testing. No problem. Parents can go to doctors and others who will take their money and do the testing. Is it surprising that, when the parent is paying for the testing, often they find something that would suggest that the child should receive special services at school – or a drug to help them focus – or accommodations on testing, such as additional testing time on college entrance exams? Such a deal!

And what about those exams? When I was preparing for college, we just took the test. We looked at the booklet that came with the sign-up sheet to make sure we didn’t fill out the forms incorrectly. I don’t remember my parents being involved at all. That is not the case today –for this same set of affluent parents. There is an industry of people who will tutor and prepare and sculpt and shape children so that they score better and better each time they take the tests!

The whole process of applying to college is so messy. In our house, we limited “college talk” to certain times and days so it didn’t overwhelm us or outshine other important parts of our lives. However, some parents don’t want to be the “bad guys” and nag their kids to finish the applications and essays. They worry that neither they nor their children will be able to meet the high standards that the “best” colleges require. So they get help. They hire people who will “help” them select the “right” schools and take the courses they will need to be admitted. They “assist” students in filling out their applications. Others will “coach” students on their essays. Such a deal!

Many of these moms and dads are more like executive parents. They don’t do the actual parenting. They don’t get their hands dirty or get down in the trenches with the kids. They hire people for that. Their job is to manage all the doctors, tutors, coaches, drugs, teachers, and other helpers who do the real day-to-day parenting.

There is something downright medieval about this. I think of Juliet’s nurse and Juliet’s mother. The nurse is the real parent who knows about the ins and outs of Juliet’s secret affair. Lady Capulet is not only clueless, she is destructive because she believes she knows what is best when in reality, she barely knows her daughter. She only knows the image of her daughter that she wants the world to see.

And therein lies the rub. These parental proxies are trying to make kids into someone’s vision of the best and brightest. The children don’t do the real work. They are led, trained, and directed – and they have had little to no say in the direction they are being marched. They may believe that what their folks want is what they want – or not. It doesn’t really matter.

No wonder, when they finally get out of their parents’ homes, they flounder. The assumption is that, if we provide them with the best proxy parents, they will flourish. The real work of parenting is challenging and difficult. It is a test of values, will, and intelligence. It is a task that must be done with spouses, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, and siblings. But when we farm it out to consultants and concoctions, we risk getting a very different result than when children are helped to become self-sufficient, independent, thoughtful people - by people who love them. 

I wonder who we can hire to be sure our children are kind and empathetic? After all, they are going to select our assisted living facility. Oh, never mind; they’ll hire a consultant to make that decision for them.

Reading for Treasure: January and College

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! With college application results rolling in, here are some articles to put that good and bad news in perspective:

How To Avoid A Common Mistake When It Comes To Paying For Your Kid's College Tuition: This is quick, simple, and critical – especially if you have younger children. This NPR story debunks the notion that, if you save for your children’s college education, it will mean they will receive less financial aid. Wrong! Read it!

It Doesn’t Matter To Me Where My Kids Go to College: This wonderful Grown and Flown article offers a common-sense rebuttal to the Varsity Blues attitude that is so prevalent. Why is it so important that your child goes to college anyway?

The Cult of Rich-Kid Sports: Atlantic’s feed title for this article was “The FancyAthlete’s Special Pass Into Harvard.” Affluent White kids do have an advantage when applying to prestigious universities: they are more like to be involved in “water polo, squash, crew, lacrosse, and skiing.” Want your child to be admitted into an elite school? Read this.  

College Professor Advice: 16 Things You Should Never Do as a Student: These should be common sense, but as a teacher of teens, I know they are not. Some of these pieces of advice are applicable to high school as well. This Teen Vogue article should be required reading for all graduating high school seniors!

I Am Lady Macbeth, and your Facebook Post about your Kid’s Early Acceptance to Harvard Really Pisses Me Off: Finally, a little bit of humor on the college question from McSweeny’s. I laughed aloud at this mix of the snowplow parent and Shakespeare’s intense character!

I’m currently reading The Trove by Tobias Buckell

Play, Joy, Laughter, and Trust

During the two weeks before Thanksgiving last year, my homeroom ran a charity fundraising game called balloon stomp. In this game, two homeroom teams face off against each other. Each one has balloons tied to their ankles and the goal is to pop the balloons of the other team. My homeroom partner and I became obsessed with inflating, counting, and tying balloons to make this game happen.

In addition to getting the kids organized and acting as referee at the matches, I took pictures as the kids played. Since our homeroom period is only eleven minutes long, I found that I was so focused on getting the balloons distributed and getting the game started that I didn’t get a chance to see what was going on with the kids who were playing.

When I looked at my photos I was filled with one emotion that was so clear on all the kids’ faces: joy! Teenagers can be moody, secretive, and hard to read. However, in these photos, the smiles were so sincere and the expressions were wildly free. Kids are leaping, balancing, responding so naturally and innocently, that it reminds me of children’s play at recess. The joy jumps off the screen!

In my freshman theatre class, we played lots of games. At the end of the year, we have a unit on improvisation. The games are silly and quick. In this context, the joy on kids’ faces is accompanied by laughter. My theatre class was the very last period of the day. Kids were tired and had been sitting for hours. As they got up and participated, their pent up energy was tapped and a transformation took place. Although kids experienced the self-consciousness of performing, they also showed a freedom of expression that I only occasionally saw in my English classroom – or for that matter when kids were socializing in the cafeteria or library. Like my balloon stompers, they were free and joyful in a way that is childlike and open. It was wonderful to watch!

There is a reason we call it play! They were enthusiastic and expressive players, either when playing a theatre game or stomping balloons!

One assignment in Senior English is to give a graduation address. After studying a wide variety of commencement speeches, viewing some, and brainstorming our own ideas, my students wrote and delivered their own speeches. Last year, it was beautiful.

My students opened up to each other. They held each other gently and they supported each other. Some students waxed nostalgic about high school, others gave advice or told stories. Several students felt safe enough to take a more personal and dangerous choice: they shared private struggles and were candid with their classmates in a way that was raw and startling. To say I was proud of my speakers and listeners is an understatement.

They shared highly personal and difficult moments from high school. They candidly reflected on how their choices shaped them. They laughed together at embarrassing and painful moments that could only be funny in retrospect. They discussed humility, gratitude, mortality, mental health, and many other complex and sensitive topics and not only did they do it with aplomb and thoughtfulness, but they listened to each other with great respect – and joy.

Let’s celebrate and cultivate these joyful, powerful, and honest moments – in the classroom and everywhere else. Let’s honor our children’s need for play, laughter, and the freedom to vigorously express themselves. Let’s make more spaces for them to cast the self-conscious and premeditated curtain aside and simply be their more raw and exuberant selves.

We could all use more joy!