Feeding Two Birds From One Feeder: How Our Language Reveals Us

Have you ever scrutinized someone’s words? Did you ever pour over a text message or email wondering if the message was intended sarcastically? Were you ever bothered by the way someone said something or their particular word choices? 

Our language matters. The words we choose and the way we communicate them reveal a great deal about our thoughts, feelings, and intentions. How we speak, the way we organize our thoughts, and the tone that accompanies them are as much a part of our message as the semantic meanings of the words themselves. 

One of the most famous examples of this is the quotation from the late President Regan: “Mistakes were made.” The statement neither takes responsibility for these mistakes nor tells us who made them. The statement is in the passive voice; the action is not with the speaker. It is a perfect statement for a politician. The president doesn’t say, “I made mistakes.” The president doesn’t make any judgment about the mistakes. They were just made – by someone, somehow. 

Many years ago, my school was looking for a new administrator, and focus groups were created so different groups could talk about what they wanted in that job. The person in charge of my group said to us, “I want teachers to feel like they are part of the process.” I looked at him and said, “I want to be part of the process.” There is a difference. The person running the meeting looked at me and said, “You know what I mean.” There is a big difference between “feeling like part of the process” and actually having an effect! 

When talking to parents of students, language tells me a great deal. Parents who use “we” when discussing their children’s activities are sending a clear message. We are applying to college. We studied for a test. We are going to practice. The truth is that the parent is not doing any of those things: the child is. 

The tone of parent emails is another place where parents reveal, intentionally or unintentionally, their relationships with their children and their children’s teachers. A parent whom I have never met or with whom I have no personal relationship should never address me by my first name. I have lost time track of the number of times I have received parent emails that read as if they are ordering products from a store or food from McDonald’s. The tone is one of a customer ordering a salesperson to deliver a product. Do parents sending nasty emails realize how insulting and hurtful they are? When speaking with them on the phone after receiving these emails, I realize that their tone has clearly communicated who they are and what is going on in their home. 

Perhaps the most striking and disturbing example of this is the way some media outlets described the people that Jeffrey Epstein was accused of harming. Was he trafficking in underage women or raping girls? “Underage women” is a euphemism for something far more disturbing – why don’t they write that? 

Similarly, the Civil War was not just a war between the states. Although we say the two sides were the Confederacy and the Union, the Union was the United States Army! People were not killed in the Holocaust, they were murdered. There is a big difference. 

Our language reveals and shapes the way we see the world and ourselves. It communicates far more than just the denotative meanings of the words. The whole is far more powerful than the sum of the syllables. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can shape our thinking. We must carefully consider which words we choose, how we weave them together, and the tone we use when communicating – not to trick or evade or cover – but to honestly, effectively, and clearly communicate. 

The Tone of Gesture

Did anyone in your family watch the old PBS children’s show, Barney- the show with the purple dinosaur who said he loved you and you loved him? Whatever you thought of the costumed title character, few people fondly remember the children on the show. There is a good reason. They were horrible over-actors. Their behavior was exaggerated and overblown. If my children brought a friend home who acted like these children, I would have been extremely concerned about their wellbeing. When I taught theatre class, I used these Barney children as examples of overacting. 

However, in the past three years, we have all become overacting Barney kids. When I am on Zoom, I find that I am often moving my arms and head to complement my words. When I speak, I gesture even more than I normally do (and I am a very expressive and physical speaker). I use Zoom backgrounds to communicate as well. Similarly, when I am wearing a mask, I compensate with the rest of my body. I work hard to “smize” and use my eyes to convey my emotions. Again, I find that I am using broad and exaggerated arm and hand gestures. My entire body tries to complement my eyes and communicate more than the semantic definitions of my words but their emotional meaning. 

While the pandemic has not turned many of us into over-emoters like those kids on children’s television, it has also given us insight into their motives. I have been placed in this tiny box and all you can see is a piece of me. Half my face is covered and you don’t know if I am being sarcastic, simple, or mean. So I need to supplement my language with large gestures. 

Our tone of voice often communicates a layer of meaning that our words alone cannot express. A mask muffles and obscures this. Zoom shrinks this. Thus, we need physical gestures to make sure that the most important meanings, the ones that are more powerful than mere denotation, to make it through these COVID-created barriers. 

Has this turned us all into cheerleaders, spelling out each affirmation and encouragement? Not quite. Has this made us more aware of the limits of language and how easy it is to misinterpret and confuse? Certainly! 

I’ll bet that most of us aren’t even aware that we are compensating this way. Like players of Charades, we are acting out the words and ideas in order to leap the linguistic, technological, and safety barriers. We want to be understood – really understood – in a way we took for granted just a few years ago.  

Bring understood means clearly communicating through not only what we say, but also how we say it. We all know that people can say things that are complementary and positive if we read them, but can be brutal and cruel when spoken in a certain tone of voice. The reverse is also true. Some of us struggle to make sense of this kind of sarcasm. Gestures, facial expressions, and vocal tone are the keys to communicating it. 

Communication that is only typed text lacks this context. There is no gesture or voice to a text or email. We add emojis or initialized shortcuts to indicate that we are just kidding (JK), rolling on the floor laughing (ROFL), or shaking our head (SMH). We instinctively know that our written words inadequately communicate important parts of our message and our reader needs help to comprehend all the levels of our meaning. 

This is also why we can find emails or text messages so problematic when the sender fails to recognize their tone and context. People take offense at texts that the sender thought were merely informational. Emails make the recipient feel horrible when the sender thought they were just being factual. 

How we communicate is at the very least as important as what we communicate –probably it is more important. We cannot help but embed our emotions as we connect with each other, even if it is accidentally. 

I do not like wearing a mask. I prefer to share a room IRL (in real life) with people rather than be placed in a Brady Bunch box on the screen. However, over the past three years, COVID has forced us to be more thoughtful about our communication, hone our nonverbal skills, and heightened our awareness of the meanings behind the words: the tone created by the intersection of our words and the physical gestures that accompany them.