Where are the Guardian Angels?

The shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas is overwhelming. Each time I think about the horrible events of May 24, I find it is so painful that I need to deflect to something else, anything else. The thought of that kind of loss is nearly too difficult to imagine.  

I was teaching the day that Laurie Dann walked into Hubbard Woods Elementary School in Winnetka and began shooting. My school moved to “red alert,” which was designed to prevent senior pranks, when it was reported that the shooter was headed northwest. My school is only a few miles northwest of Hubbard Woods. This was more than thirty years ago. 

There are no words to console a grieving parent or partner. There is no pain I can imagine worse than the death of a child. It is so hideous and powerful and painful. Why must parents keep experiencing loss because of school shootings? 

What is wrong with us that we refuse to protect our children sitting in their classrooms? What is wrong with us that we argue about the rights of children not yet born, but we refuse to protect fourth graders? How can people rush to protect gun rights at the cost of children’s lives?  Anyone who has worked in education knows that putting more guns in school will not address this problem. It is a false fantasy solution that ignores everything we know about these situations. 

Even the National Rifle Association prohibits guns at its convention! Arming teachers will work, but having a convention full of gun owners won’t? I don’t understand. 

Let’s start a new organization: No Retro Abortions. This organization would advocate that we ban abortions beyond the 15-week or 3-month or the latest of late-term timelines and argue that even abortions that take place after birth should be forbidden. The organization could be called by its initials: N.R.A. 

Recently, I read a short story called, “Mr. Death” by Alix Harrow. The story is nominated for the prestigious Hugo award, and.I read the nominees every year so I vote for the winners. 

This fantasy story follows a relatively new “reaper” who ferries souls across the river of death. He is given assignments and then sits with the person as they die and accompanies them to the other side. However, as the story opens, he is given a horrible assignment: a child of only 30 month: a two year old. 

Our focal character has deep misgivings and does his best to rationalize and justify the child’s death. But he can’t. He lost his own child and has experienced this kind of pain first hand. As the story proceeds, he moves from giving the child a little extra time to being unable to complete his assignment. He refuses to complete the assignment even though it will mean much more than losing his job, it will probably mean he will be consigned to oblivion. 

If you are going to read the story, this is the place to stop reading. I am about to spoil it. Read the story and come back or skip to the paragraph beginning, “Lovers of life…” 

Here is the connection: when our reaper refuses to take the child and is willing to sacrifice everything, he is surprised to find that he is transformed. He is no longer a reaper and instead, he is a guardian. He stands beside the child as a  protector. 

Lovers of life, pro-choice, pro-life, we need guardians now. Our children need us all to become angels who protect them: in their classrooms, churches, synagogues, movie theaters, and homes. Not with more instruments of death, but with thoughtful and rational laws and rules. Other countries do this; we can do this. 

Can we transform from partners of death to protectors of life? The Supreme Court will soon rule about how the unborn should be protected. What about the newly born? What about the fourth graders? What about our children and grandchildren? 

Thou shall not murder. Put down your weapon and accept your wings. Protect the children. Please. 

Reading For Treasure: I Miss The Good Place

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

It’s been a year without The Good Place and I miss it. The finale rightfully won the Hugo award in December and that made me miss it even more. The tone and ideas of this show are a balm for the daily news.  If you haven’t tried it, I hope these articles will persuade you to watch it!  Yes, there are spoilers below, but this show can handle that. Here are some articles, all from a year ago, extolling, examining, and explaining this magnificent series.

The Atlantic wrote many articles about The Good Place. Here are three of the best: 

“The Good Place Was a Metaphor All Along” which discusses the way this show reflected back upon itself and commented on television and even attempted to better its audience. 

The second article, “The Most Optimistic Show on TV is Over” talks about how “The Good Place has spent four seasons asking weighty questions about the vexing condition of being alive: Can human beings become better? If so, how, and what does that even mean?” 

The third article, although titled, “The Good Place Felt Bad in the End”, really delves into the meaning behind the end of the series and wrestles with some wonderful and meaty questions. 

“How the Good Place Redefines Soul Mates” from Syfy Wire is a great description of the power of this series. It spells out some of the wonderful aspects that make this show far more than a simple sitcom. Warning: this article has some serious spoils, so don’t read it until you’ve finished the series.  

“The Good Place Became the Last Great Sitcom on Network TV By Daring its Audience to Be Better” in Time Magazine is a wonderful testimonial to the power of this program. 

Finally, Tor.com had a wonderful recap and tribute to the series, “What We Owe to Each Other Is to Talk About The Good Place’s Finale” which quickly summarizes some of the shows best moments and accomplishments. 

I am currently reading A History of What Comes Next By Sylvian Neuvel 

Losing Recess

“Until whoever wrote on the supply cabinet comes forward, the entire class will be staying in from recess!”

Remember how unfair that felt! Remember how angry you were when you had to pay the price for someone else’s misdeeds! Of course, most (or all) of the class knew who had done the deed (it was Veronica, it was always Veronica), but they wouldn’t tell on someone. So you stayed in and sulked until Susan’s mother called the next day and got everyone, including Veronica, out of jail. That also felt unfair. Veronica should pay for her crimes and you shouldn’t.

You struggled to pay for college. You worked a job in addition to the work-study and it took you ages to pay off your debt. With bitterness, you remember Sandy, who was dropped off in a Lexus, was getting more aid than you! Sandy had all the trappings of a rich kid: fancy cars, clothes, vacations, and toys. If Sandy had all that, why the full ride?

People game the system. People pay for others’ crimes. It is wrong, but it happens all the time. Why should we have to bear the burden for this kind of unfairness?

If people commit crimes, they should be punished. If people cheat, they should not succeed. If people lie or misrepresent themselves, they should have to confess and tell the truth and bear the consequences.

I wish it were that simple.

How much is it worth to catch the cheaters? Should no one get financial aid to college because some people abuse it? Should it be distributed evenly so that the very wealthy and the barely making ends meet get the same assistance? Should everyone pay the price for the misdeeds of a few people?  

Let’s put this another way:

Due to water issues, my town only permits us to water our lawns every other day. But I have a neighbor who waters every day anyway. Should watering be forbidden for everyone? Should all of our plants die because one neighbor uses too much water and has beautiful landscaping?

The answer is clearly no! Just the offender should be punished!

What about systems of social support? There are people who scam insurance, welfare, food stamps, and other programs that help those who are struggling. If one person really doesn’t want to work and is just being lazy, should the single mom working two jobs also be cut out of the program? What if it is a small percentage of those getting assistance? At what point do you take away everyone’s recess because some of the class is being naughty?

Should we create tight rules to catch the person who cuts in line, goes through the red light, or has eleven items in the “Ten or Fewer” line at the grocery store? Should we shame them? Should we eliminate the express lines and build pop-up walls at intersections?

                                           

Of course not!

So how do we deal with the cheats and freeloaders?

I am not sure. But I know this: they shouldn’t ruin it for the rest of us. They shouldn’t make all of us stay in from recess nor should we eliminate systems that help struggling people in our community because a few people behave badly.

Although we may think we have the full picture, it is rarely true. We may think that someone is cheating or scamming the system. We must acknowledge that many times, we only have parts of their story. We might be right. We might be wrong.

I would love to live in a world where lightning strikes down every wrongdoer automatically. If you are using a phone while driving, POOF, you are suddenly sitting on the side of the road and your car is gone. If you steal, POOF, you are suddenly transported to jail! If you lie, POOF, the truth is automatically revealed and you are punished.

It doesn’t work that way. Here and now there is just us to make justice, and human justice is as fallible and uneven as the human beings dispensing it.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t make the attempt. It certainly doesn’t mean that we let the bad eggs spoil it for everyone. We may have the impulse to say that, if one or some of us can’t treat things well, then none of us should get them. We know that is wrong and unfair.

Must we let the cheaters slide? Sometimes. Can we create systems that catch the cheaters? Sometimes. Should we create systems that sacrifice doing good things because some people cheat?

I don’t know if this makes me a liberal or a conservative. I know that the argument against many forms of social support is that they are either distributed poorly or that people take advantage of them. That doesn’t mean that a majority of the class isn’t doing the right thing and should be held in for recess!  

Here is the trade-off: Is it worth it to suffer some wrong doers to help more good folks? Is that the price we must pay? It may bug us to know that there are kids on the playfield who don’t belong there, but it is more wrong to keep the whole class inside.  

Eight Rules to Prevent Public Self-Stimulation

It must have been an interesting sight; from the performer’s point of view, the three people at the back of the recital hall were looking at their laps, making small movements with their arms and hands, and periodically smiling and sighing. What might they be doing?

If you are thinking what you might be thinking, you aren’t far from correct. Although it would not get them arrested, they were involved in the new socially acceptable form of self-stimulation: use of their smart phones.

I was sitting next to them. While every singer in the recital may not have ready for Orchestra Hall, none deserved to be upstaged by texting, solitaire, or Facebook. And while they may have only been there to watch one performer, when that child was done, the polite and respectful thing to do would be to quietly listen to other singers. Their act was not as egregious as public masturbation, but it was inappropriate and rude nonetheless.

Smart phones are ubiquitous. Despite the constant reminders to turn them off, they ring in cinemas, theaters, religious services, and other inappropriate places. Worse, people use them in ways that are distracting, disrespectful, and dangerous. Why do they do this? Why can’t we keep our hands off our phones?

I am a gadget guy. I like electronic toys. I understand how much fun it is to have a new phone and explore the new tools it presents. However, smart phone novelty does not seem to wear off for some people. The rude use of smart phones is not about the gee-whiz factor.

Blackberries were called crackberries because their users became addicted to them. Is that what is happening? Do we feel compelled to check our emails, text messages, Facebook posts, and fantasy sports leagues? Do we start to sweat and shake if we aren’t connected to the people who aren’t physically in front of us? Do we worry that our clients or followers will leave us if we don’t reply to them immediately? While some people may have jobs that require constant communication, I do not think that staying in touch is the key cause either.

Frequently, I see children with smart phones or tablets in restaurants. Their parents often have them out while pushing the kiddies in the strollers. They are all over subway trains. Why do we feel the need to finger our devices or give them to our children?

Many of us are building up a tolerance for real world engagement. The actual physically present world is not enough. It does not provide us with the gratification and entertainment that our electronics do when we jack in.

Our public use of smart phones and other electronics is a sign that people no longer find adequate stimulation in the environment around them. The movie (even if it is on a huge IMAX screen) is not entertaining enough. We must text. The dinner, lecture, service, or conversation pales in comparison to Candy Crush.

What do we do about this? We could increase the razzle-dazzle of day-to-day life. We could have video cells on our clothing; we could play music from our shoes and project engaging images from our bow ties. We could amp up the real world so it competes more favorably with the little screen in our laps.

Or we could exercise self-control. After all, we don’t have people masturbating or having sex in public even though that would be more “interesting” than boring old mundane life.

So here are eight suggestions for polite and appropriate use of smart phones:

1. Do not use smart phones when there are people physically present: interact with them.

2. Do not check email, texts, or other forms of communication in public. Move to a private area and wash your hands afterward.

3. Keep your phone on silent when you are with other people. Set your default ringtone to silent and only assign ring tones to people whose calls would be important enough to answer right away.

4. No phones on the table. A phone on the table means you are waiting to use it. When we are eating or meeting, phones should be out of sight and hearing!

5. Never let your electronics come between you and an interpersonal interaction. Would you like someone to step between you and the person with whom you were talking? That would be rude! Don’t let your phone do that either. Why is the phone more important than a live person in front of you?

6. Be considerate about how your use of electronics may affect others around you. While you may feel alone in the theater, your texting is distracting to the other members of the audience.

7. Pledge to never touch your phone while you are the driver in a car. Insist the same of anyone driving a car in which you are riding. Reinforce this rule with young drivers.

8. Talk about cell phone use when it comes up. Ask the person who has whipped out his phone, “Why do you think people are constantly on their phones?” While this may seem difficult and even rude, is it as rude as the act of letting the phone interrupt the conversation? Perhaps the person on the phone’s child is ill, or his parent is in the hospital. That provides an opportunity for real human interaction. If he is just checking the Cubs score, it says that you were just too boring. You need to know that. So does he.

Let’s think about why we feel compelled to use our phones. Let’s critically examine how phones are affecting our relationships and our public environments. Let’s reassess our need for stimulation. And let’s reconnect to each other, and bring back a sense of public responsibility, decency, and discourse.

My Rules of the Road

My niece is just learning to drive. My daughter has been driving for almost than two years. It is critically important to teach them to drive well since what they see on the road is often dangerous, rude, and thoughtless. I start with my three driving commandments:

• If in doubt, don’t. If you are wondering if you have enough time to turn left, don’t. If you think it might not be legal to make a U-turn, don’t. If you aren’t sure about any move behind the wheel, don’t do it!

• You are never in a hurry behind the wheel. Even if you are about to miss the train, curtain, or opportunity, you have all the time in the world once you get in the car. If you are pulled over or get in a crash, you will be far later (double meaning intended) than if you took your safe and slow time.

• Nothing fast. Don’t drive fast. Don’t make fast decisions behind the wheel. Don’t try to out maneuver other vehicles. Fast quickly creates problems.

Beside my commandments, I have my car-dinal sins. If my young drivers see these as selfish and hazardous, perhaps they will be less likely to drive badly and more likely to arrive home in one piece.

• Failure to use signals: Turn signals serve two functions: safety and courtesy and both important. Nonetheless, never trust turn signals: wait for the vehicle to make the actual turn first.

• Throwing your butt out: Although I don’t use them, most cars have ashtrays. There is no reason to throw cigarette butts out the car window. People are free to pollute their bodies, but they shouldn’t pollute the world our children drive through.

• Squeaking through the intersection after the arrow or light has changed: How many times does an extra vehicle (or two) zip through a busy intersection after the light is red or the arrow is gone? Are a few saved seconds worth a crash?

• Not taking your turn at a stop sign: It goes without saying that one should actually stop at a stop sign. However, many drivers think that is all they have to do regardless of other vehicles. Many cars stop briefly and then move through the stop sign even when others are waiting. The car that arrived first goes first. If two cars arrive at the same time, the car going straight has the right of way.

• No lights when the weather requires wipers: In Illinois, the law states that, if you are using your wipers, you must turn on your headlights. Duh! In the rain, fog, and snow, lights permit drivers and pedestrians to see oncoming traffic. I have my headlights on 100% of the time. It doesn’t save power or money to keep them off. Would that be any consolation if you hit someone?

• Put down the phone! My biggest driving sin is use of phones. Whether drivers are dialing, sending text messages, or talking, it is the most dangerous distraction. Every driver can tell stories of seeing people driving inappropriately because they were yakking away on phones. Most of us have had frightening moments due to drivers on phones. Towns and states should ban hand held phones while driving. I wish they’d stop more drivers and use traffic cameras to catch these fools. I hope that people change their habits before someone I love is one of their many victims.

Most traffic crashes aren’t accidents. Most are due to selfish and thoughtless driving. Our kids are watching. They are hearing what we say but more importantly, seeing how we live up to our professions. There are too many poor examples for them to follow. Let’s provide them with good models.

Graduation Cheers and Jeers

Small children get attention by throwing fits. Everything must stop and the world must focus on the child. While I have never seen a toddler-style tantrum at a high school graduation, I have seen its teenage equivalents. A small number of students and their families feel the need for more attention. Walking across the stage and receiving a diploma to the applause of teachers, classmates and community is not enough. This group needs whoops, dances, antics and catcalls. Why? For a very similar reason that a toddler throws a tantrum.

As students cross the graduation stage, the tide of applause ebbs and flows. For some students the clapping gets a little bit louder than others. For a few students, there is a noticeable increase in the volume of clapping. It is my experience that these students are the ones who have made a real difference in the life of the school. They are the students who have genuinely contributed and whose involvement has been significant and whose relationships, both with adults and kids, have been sincere and positive. This group rarely has any “tantrums.”

On the other hand, students who receive loud and boisterous acknowledgement, who do little dances or make a spectacle of themselves, almost always fall into another category. These children are usually far less involved in the school. They often give the appearance of substance use. The applause for these students is not noticeably greater or less than the average student.

However, these kids want extra attention. That is what the catcalls and dances are all about. These kids often had opportunities for positive attention during their high school years. Some have had the spotlight in many ways. The need to stand out this way at graduation cannot be attributed to being attention starved. Many of these students have received more than their share of attention from both adults and their fellow students.

I have sat through more than twenty high school graduations and, over and over, the vast majority of kids walk across the stage to polite applause. They have huge grins on their faces and their families’ joy is clearly evident. However, for the tantrum minority, the graduation may be far more bittersweet. While the sound and the fury may seem to signify their elation at this achievement (and often for some of these students, graduation was not a forgone conclusion), it may really be a sign of serious concern.

When we see a parent in a store with a two or three-year old who is throwing a tantrum, we may sympathize or condemn. When we see a parent with a nine or ten year old throwing a tantrum, we have to wonder. While an eighteen year old may be too old for the traditional tantrum, for many of these families, high school has been a series of outbursts and attention seeking negative behaviors.

I don’t justify the misbehavior of either the kids or their friends and family by saying that they are relieved to see the child receive a diploma. However, I believe that they are fantastically nervous about the next steps. If some of them aren’t, maybe they should be. Many, if not most, of these students are moving on to some form of college. Their parents will not be monitoring their choices (although many have had difficulty with this prior to high school graduation). For many of these students, college turns out to be one long tantrum. Many don’t even make it through freshman year. The screams and whistles, cheers and whoops are really cries.

I have only seen a handful of eighth grade graduations. I did not see much of this kind of behavior there. I wonder if observing who gets the “whoops” at the end of middle school might help us identify these kids earlier? Could we intervene earlier and make everyone’s high school graduation a little bit more polite and enjoyable?

Years ago, these tantrums at graduation made me angry. I saw them as selfish and disrespectful. And they are. And while I still shake my head and disapprove, I know that the small blemish that their behavior places on our wonderful graduation is nothing compared to the pain that is coming. I hope they will grow up. I hope that their families will provide them with the support and attention for which they are so obviously starved. It concerns me that the patterns are in place. Yet, my formal role is over. Graduation is the end of the line for me; most of these students will move on and never look back. They will now depend on another faculty. Maybe I should cheer too.

The Rules Don’t Apply To Me

Picking up my son at his elementary school made me crazy. I would pass the moms parked in front of signs that clearly read, “No Parking, Standing or Stopping.” Then the line would be held up by parents who blatantly disregarded the procedures and encouraged their children to run through parked cars into traffic. These elementary school children then got into the front passenger seats, which is not only against the law but could be lethal if an airbag deployed. Meanwhile, their parents chat away on their cell phones, another violation of the rules. Finally, I watched cars pull away from the line without any regard to the through traffic moving next to them. Fortunately, I have not witnessed any accidents, but I have seen too many near misses.

Why do people behave as if the rules do not apply to them? And what lesson are they teaching their children? These kids are not blind or dumb. They know mom or dad is breaking the rules. I can see the results in the high school.

Of course this behavior is not confined to the pick up line at my son’s school. We see this all the time. From able-bodied people using handicapped parking spaces to patrons on cell phones in movie theaters and smokers who use the entire world as their ashtrays. The idea that rules and laws are optional is everywhere.

Are these rules optional? Most of these transgressions are minor and the perpetrators (if that is not too strong of a word) do not receive any penalties. They don’t seem to feel any guilt either. That doesn’t mean that these actions are okay.

I do not believe in blinding following rules. But I do not believe in blindly disregarding them either. We live in a society that is held together by the rule of law. If a law is unjust or ill conceived, there are means by which we can address that. But I don’t think the moms who are violating the “No Parking, Stopping or Standing” law are committing acts of civil disobedience.

Most of these misbehaviors are unconscious and thoughtless. If you are talking on your cell phone, you will not be focused on your child’s safety nor will you be likely to make good decisions. Yet I can’t let everyone off the hook so easily. While the person who cuts in line may not have realized that the line started on the other side, many times the act was deliberate. The meaning is clear: my needs are more important than yours. It is old-fashioned selfishness.

And what need is it that drives (pun intended) much of this: convenience. Following the rules requires some thought. Following the rules often takes a few more minutes. Following the rules means slowing down enough to consider the needs of the others. People are in a hurry and want to make tasks faster and easier and the rules are in the way. And they don’t want to work that hard anyway.

I want to ask these pick up parents, “Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want your children to become?” There is a price to be paid for these choices. Sometimes we pay that price and sometimes others do. Is it fair that you speed through while making someone else wait? Is it better to get something done easier at the cost of safety? Little deals add up to big deals and, to rephrase a proverb, the road to hell may be paved with thoughtless and selfish shortcuts.