Reading for Treasure: Dating

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction.

Lifehacker recently had an interesting series on dating. I had two other articles that related to that and a theme for this month’s reading for treasure was born. 

Dating in the twenty-first century is far more complicated and technological than it was when I was looking for a partner. Lifehacker’s articles deal with the apps, researching dates, and other nuances that I never had to think about: 

“13 of the Best Dating Apps to Find Love or Mess Around”

“All the Ways You're Being Rude on Dating Apps Without Realizing It”

“This Is How Much Online ‘Stalking’ You Should Do Before a Date”

“How Long Should You Chat on a Dating App Before Meeting Up?”

I haven’t repeated an article before, but this gem from The Atlantic that I included two months ago seems like required reading if you want an egalitarian relationship: “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date as Equals.” 

Finally, a crystal clear statement from Tim Wise:  “Refusing to Date Trump Voters Isn’t Intolerance — It’s Good Taste”

I am currently reading The Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler 

Stolen Performances: The Theft of the Focus

I teach high school English and theatre. I am well aware of students’ sensitivity to their physical and behavioral image in front of their friends. It is not really a joke to say that many kids behave as if a reality TV camera was following them and broadcasting their every move to millions.

Yet it is not only high school students who have a sense that they are performing in public. Their parents and families behave that way, too. And like their kids, they have a very focused sense of audience.

I have always been uncomfortable with the cheering and yelling at our high school graduation. I have written about it. Similarly, I avoid events, especially performing arts events, where there is a great deal of audience screaming of student names. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, it shifts the focus from those on stage (whatever the nature of that stage) to those in the audience.

I have increasingly seen this overzealous cheering as a kind of performance. It is an attempt by non-performers to get in on the act. There are many ways we can show our pride and appreciation for a graduate, performer, athlete, or actor. When the means is screaming their name (often having the effect of making it impossible to hear the next graduate’s name or to appreciate the performance itself), an odd alliance has formed. The performer (or graduate) gets extra attention (which might feel good) and so does the audience member – but the others pay the price for this. It is a kind of theft.

It is that second part that strikes me as problematic. Graduation is not about the audience. A performance, game, or ceremony is not about the viewers. The focus should be on the kids. But some of us just can’t let them shine.

There are many times when people put on a show. They want the attention that actors, athletes, and public figures enjoy. Being silently (or appropriately) supportive is inadequate because they want to steal the spotlight or at the very least share it.

That is what the screamer does. That is what the person yelling, “Yeah, Muffy” at the show is doing. They are joining the show. They are moving themselves into the center, where they don’t belong. They are saying, “I’m on stage, too!”

Kids do this in classrooms: they want to upstage the student participating or the teacher instructing. It is a kind of power play: look at me, they are saying; I am so good that I can steal the attention from the person who had it. I can steal it, even if only for a moment, and even under the pretense of being a good and supportive audience member, student or parent. Aren’t I special? I’m not doing anything wrong. I am cheering on my friend!

We have a lot of kids taking our beginning theatre class. I wonder that we don’t have more. I am not surprised that many of those kids first need a instruction in giving and taking focus, collaborating, listening, and most of all concentration.

Almost daily, I see a student walking down the hall making faces into a smartphone. They are performing for their SnapChat friends. The number of likes that they receive on Instagram or Facebook is very important. Performances are more important if they are for larger audiences.

Why this need to steal focus? Why the desire to grab the camera and be liked? Why the desire to photo-bomb, yell out, or upstage? Are we starved for attention and positive reinforcement? Are we addicted to it?

In the theatre, we call these people stage-hogs. In some sports, they have a similar term: ball-hogs. They may be talented. They may be skilled, but they are not fun to play with. They aren’t team players. They aren’t generous and collaborative.

It is a kind of selfishness. It is a refusal to acknowledge that others have the same worth as we do. It says, “ Me and mine are more important than you! I can steal your center stage time because I deserve it at least as much as you do – even if I am not graduating, even if I didn’t work for weeks on the performance or team, even if I am just here as an audience member, I have the right to step on stage and be the star – even if the only way I do that is to pretend that I am really cheering the star on.”

There are lots of ways to show appreciation and support. Stealing the focus is the lowest and the cheapest. If you want to put on a show, try out or audition.

A Rubric For Thank You Notes

Dear Hirschs, Thank you for the generous gift. It was nice to see you. From, X.

Is that a thank you note? What does that really communicate? That note has only a shred of gratitude. It says that we didn’t merit much energy or care. Its message is almost the opposite of the words. I don’t think that is what the writer intended. The writer didn’t intend anything, but the writer wasn’t that thankful and it shows.

There are two issues here: the first (and more important of the two) is that the idea that thanks are necessary. The second is that they are communicated sincerely. Children’s thank you notes are a learning opportunity. When children send thank you cards after receiving birthday, holiday, bar or bat mitzvah or other special gifts, they are getting out of themselves. They are thinking about the feelings and point of view of another. This is a critical developmental task that, if not accomplished, will handicap their relationships for life. Perhaps if we had more thank you notes, we’d have fewer narcissistic people.

However, I must point out that many adults either neglect the thank you note or write them poorly. Therefore, here is the Hirsch family thank you note rubric. This is our thank you note measuring stick. Thank you notes tell a great deal about both the sender and the nature of the relationship.

A good thank you note is personal. If the wrong name came after the “Dear,” it would make no sense. If the name is misspelled, that has a message, too. The note speaks of the relationship between the sender and receiver. Even if that relationship is new or indirect, it addresses that. So notes may say, “It was so nice to see my parents’ good friends,” or  “It was wonderful to share our wedding with my new friends from work.” Sometimes, you are acting as an agent for another person. Your thank you note is no longer about you; it is about the giver’s connection to your parents, employers, or spouse. The specific relationship is the core of the note. It is more important than the item that generated it.

A good thank you note is specific. It says, very directly, why the writer is thankful, “Thank you for the beautiful vase,” or “ I love books and I will think of you as I use the gift card.” Even if the gift was money or intangible, it should still be mentioned, “I will put the check to good use,” or  “It was so kind of you to let me stay overnight.”

A good thank you note has some degree of detail. It is not generic. The typical formula says that you should mention how you will use the gift or why it is important to you. That is sound advice. There are other options too, “I loved playing with your dogs while I stayed with you,” or “The frame reminds me of one I always loved in Aunt Sadel’s apartment.”

Of course, a good thank you note is timely. People quote all sorts of rules about how long you have before a thank you note is too late. I have even heard that wedding couples have a year to send the notes. A year? Really? What would you think if you received a thank you note twelve months after the wedding? You probably sent the gift a month or more before the wedding anyway. I wouldn’t remember what I gave!

A late thank you note says that saying thanks wasn’t a priority to the writer. By extension, it feels like the relationship is also not that important. A good thank you note should reflect the care and effort put into the gift.

Which brings us to the question of how to send a thank you note for awful or thoughtless gifts. If it is really the thought that counts, then these gifts barely qualify. So what is wrong with sending, as my old college professor used to say, a  “thank you and %@#$ you” card? A lot. We answer kindness with kindness but I would want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt and answer thoughtlessness with thoughtfulness. The card need not be long, but it should be as sincere as possible. It should not be sarcastic or critical. If there are problems with the relationship, the thank you note is not the way to address them.   

My grandmother was the only person who ever wrote thank you notes for thank you notes. I remember asking my father, “Do I need to send her a thank you for the thank you for my thank you?” Of course, he told me to just call my grandmother. Always a good idea.  

But her intention captures the real importance of the thank you note – or even the thank you email: gratitude and connection. A thank you note should be a sincere expression, not only of thanks, but also of the connection between the person writing and the person receiving.  It says, “You showed that you care. I appreciate that and I value our relationship.”

Making Mensches!

As I watched a fairly average fifteen-year-old boy bother the student next to him, then go to his computer and quickly move his thumb on the trackpad so I wouldn’t see what he was doing there, and then look at me and grin, I wanted to pull him aside and ask, “Do you know what a mensch is?”

I have written about what are called “soft skills” and college readiness characteristics beyond those on standardized tests. In the beginning of the year, I provide my students with a list of behaviors that strong students demonstrate. But when I was looking at this young man, I was thinking of something more basic, and perhaps more important: being a “mensch.”

Mensch is a Yiddish word that is most often translated to mean a good person. Merriam-Webster Diction defines it as a person of integrity and honor. Urban Diction goes further and quotes Leo Rosten from his book The Joys of Yiddish, “A mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being ‘a real mensch’ is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous.”

How can we help our children and our students become mensches? I am all too aware that children, and high school students in particular, are narcissistic and often developmentally unable to see things from another person’s point of view. Is it not unrealistic to start high schoolers down the road to becoming mensches!

While some mensches may be born, I believe that many are made. Some are self-made, but many are assisted by parents, teachers, role models, and friends. How can parents, teachers, and concerned others help our kids become better people?

Here are a few ways we might help our children to become mensches:

Model mensch-ness ourselves: Even if our children are not in the car, even if we are alone and our actions will be noticed by no one, we must commit ourselves to the same ideals we ask of them! Our children must see us working toward mensch-ness! We must practice what we profess!

Choosing kindness: I often ask my students what “kind” of person they want to be? We share stories of the small acts of generosity that have made our days: a smile, a hello in the hall, a held-open door, or a sincere compliment. These are easy things to overlook. Choosing kindness helps get us out of ourselves and asks us to recognize our impact on others: we choose to make that impact a positive one.

Making manners matter: I remember the first time a student thanked me on her way out of the classroom. I was stunned! New teachers to our building are often surprised when students do this. I thank every group of students at the end of every class period. Manners matter.

Teaching empathy: Kids see others as like themselves or different. They sit with their friends at lunch; they do not sit with different kids. They like people who look like them, do the things they do, and behave the way they behave. Growing beyond these narrow boundaries may be one of the most difficult tasks of adolescence. Good literature, film, and drama can help students inhabit another persons’ feelings and thoughts. This is one of the reasons, I believe, that the mensches I meet in school are often readers. The more we provide children experiences feeling with another, the less they will see differences as bad and be able to truly identify with people.  

Being that person: A mensch cannot be a bystander. A mensch does not walk past the crying student. How many times have we heard, “Someone ought to do something about this?” People complain about problems, but leave them for other people. A mensch is that someone. A mensch is the person who rings the bell, helps the stranger, raises their hand, alerts the authority, makes the call, and makes the difference.

Being aware: Many people live in their own bubble. They don’t see what is going on around them. They don’t realize their effect on their environment and the people around them. A mensch is observant. A mensch sees the bigger picture and their role in it.

Slowing down, looking, and listening: Have you ever thought the person on the other end of the phone was doing something while talking to you? It is both refreshing and wonderful to realize that you are really being heard, that someone really sees you, and that you matter enough that someone will give you their time. Time may be our most precious gift. We rush through our day and don’t share our most important currency. Can we teach our children to stop, look, and listen – not for traffic, but at people?

Perhaps we are really discussing strong interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence, or maturity. Yet, I think these are teachable. Introducing students to the goal of being a mensch pulls them out of their adolescent selfie and opens their eyes to a greater picture.

Eight Rules to Prevent Public Self-Stimulation

It must have been an interesting sight; from the performer’s point of view, the three people at the back of the recital hall were looking at their laps, making small movements with their arms and hands, and periodically smiling and sighing. What might they be doing?

If you are thinking what you might be thinking, you aren’t far from correct. Although it would not get them arrested, they were involved in the new socially acceptable form of self-stimulation: use of their smart phones.

I was sitting next to them. While every singer in the recital may not have ready for Orchestra Hall, none deserved to be upstaged by texting, solitaire, or Facebook. And while they may have only been there to watch one performer, when that child was done, the polite and respectful thing to do would be to quietly listen to other singers. Their act was not as egregious as public masturbation, but it was inappropriate and rude nonetheless.

Smart phones are ubiquitous. Despite the constant reminders to turn them off, they ring in cinemas, theaters, religious services, and other inappropriate places. Worse, people use them in ways that are distracting, disrespectful, and dangerous. Why do they do this? Why can’t we keep our hands off our phones?

I am a gadget guy. I like electronic toys. I understand how much fun it is to have a new phone and explore the new tools it presents. However, smart phone novelty does not seem to wear off for some people. The rude use of smart phones is not about the gee-whiz factor.

Blackberries were called crackberries because their users became addicted to them. Is that what is happening? Do we feel compelled to check our emails, text messages, Facebook posts, and fantasy sports leagues? Do we start to sweat and shake if we aren’t connected to the people who aren’t physically in front of us? Do we worry that our clients or followers will leave us if we don’t reply to them immediately? While some people may have jobs that require constant communication, I do not think that staying in touch is the key cause either.

Frequently, I see children with smart phones or tablets in restaurants. Their parents often have them out while pushing the kiddies in the strollers. They are all over subway trains. Why do we feel the need to finger our devices or give them to our children?

Many of us are building up a tolerance for real world engagement. The actual physically present world is not enough. It does not provide us with the gratification and entertainment that our electronics do when we jack in.

Our public use of smart phones and other electronics is a sign that people no longer find adequate stimulation in the environment around them. The movie (even if it is on a huge IMAX screen) is not entertaining enough. We must text. The dinner, lecture, service, or conversation pales in comparison to Candy Crush.

What do we do about this? We could increase the razzle-dazzle of day-to-day life. We could have video cells on our clothing; we could play music from our shoes and project engaging images from our bow ties. We could amp up the real world so it competes more favorably with the little screen in our laps.

Or we could exercise self-control. After all, we don’t have people masturbating or having sex in public even though that would be more “interesting” than boring old mundane life.

So here are eight suggestions for polite and appropriate use of smart phones:

1. Do not use smart phones when there are people physically present: interact with them.

2. Do not check email, texts, or other forms of communication in public. Move to a private area and wash your hands afterward.

3. Keep your phone on silent when you are with other people. Set your default ringtone to silent and only assign ring tones to people whose calls would be important enough to answer right away.

4. No phones on the table. A phone on the table means you are waiting to use it. When we are eating or meeting, phones should be out of sight and hearing!

5. Never let your electronics come between you and an interpersonal interaction. Would you like someone to step between you and the person with whom you were talking? That would be rude! Don’t let your phone do that either. Why is the phone more important than a live person in front of you?

6. Be considerate about how your use of electronics may affect others around you. While you may feel alone in the theater, your texting is distracting to the other members of the audience.

7. Pledge to never touch your phone while you are the driver in a car. Insist the same of anyone driving a car in which you are riding. Reinforce this rule with young drivers.

8. Talk about cell phone use when it comes up. Ask the person who has whipped out his phone, “Why do you think people are constantly on their phones?” While this may seem difficult and even rude, is it as rude as the act of letting the phone interrupt the conversation? Perhaps the person on the phone’s child is ill, or his parent is in the hospital. That provides an opportunity for real human interaction. If he is just checking the Cubs score, it says that you were just too boring. You need to know that. So does he.

Let’s think about why we feel compelled to use our phones. Let’s critically examine how phones are affecting our relationships and our public environments. Let’s reassess our need for stimulation. And let’s reconnect to each other, and bring back a sense of public responsibility, decency, and discourse.

Subject: Your Emails To Your Teachers

Dear Students,

Your emails need improvement. They are unclear, grammatically incorrect, and far too informal. One important lesson you must learn in school is to how to communicate well. Here are some important tips on writing formal emails to teachers, professors, employers (current or potential) and anyone other than your friends or family:  

Use formal salutations and titles. You don’t call your teachers by their first names, you don’t address them with “hey,” and you don’t just dive into the conversation. Close your emails appropriately using a closing salutation like “Sincerely,” “Yours,” “Thank you,” or even “See you in class.”

Use the subject line to clearly state the purpose of your email. Don’t leave it blank or simply put your name in it. You may include your name and class, but you should also briefly state the main point of your communication.

Use formal language and a respectful tone. Don’t address your teacher as you would a friend. Your email should not read like a text message. You should have clear sentences, paragraphs, and employ good grammar and correct spelling. Be sure to spell your teacher’s name correctly. It is helpful to bold important lines and make each point an individual paragraph.

Do not ask, “Did I miss anything?” when you are not in class. “What did I miss?” is no better. It is unreasonable to ask a teacher to capture an entire lesson in an email. Do your homework if you miss class; contact a classmate, look at the website, and do your best to find out what you missed on your own. Then email the teacher to ask questions, make an appointment, or arrange to make up missed work.

Do read over your email before you send it. Before you press that send key, give a second look at what you have written. Do use the spell checker. It might help to type the email in a word processor and then copy it to your email. If it helps, read it aloud to make sure you are communicating clearly and correctly.

Do check for your teacher’s reply. Students frequently ask, “Did you get my email.” Teachers often reply, “Yes, did you get mine?” If you aren’t going to read your teacher’s reply, don’t send the email at all.

Your email communicates far more than the words themselves. The messages you send tell people about who you are, what you know, and how you treat people. Your emails can enhance and strengthen your relationships or they can leave a lasting poor impression. It is worth taking the time and thought to use them well.

Please consider these ideas when you are emailing your teachers or communicating with anyone with whom you have a formal relationship. 

Sincerely Yours,

Mr. Hirsch

The Gift of You: My Deerprints Column

My grandmother was the only person I knew who sent a thank-you note for a thank-you note. I remember asking my father if I had to send a thank-you note for her thank-you note for my original thank-you note. But my grandmother knew what she was doing. She knew the importance of gratitude and courtesy, and she was skilled in the art of cultivating and maintaining relationships.

Many years ago, I was startled when a student said, “thank you” as she left our classroom. Usually, students were in the hall before the echo of the bell reverberated off the linoleum. “You’re welcome,” I replied, “and thank you, too!” It wasn’t the “thank you” that stuck with me. It was what it meant and the immediate effect it had on our relationship. It was only a little extra, but it was a special gift nonetheless.

Last spring, a colleague of mine and I spoke at the Shepard promotion ceremonies. Rather than give them lots of advice or brag about D.H.S., we decided to focus on one idea; we told the graduating eighth graders to say, “hi” in the halls. We advised them that building relationships, as much or more than building resumes, was what would make their high school careers meaningful and happy. The extra moment in the hall or classroom is a relationship changer.

In addition to planning for class, grading, going to meetings, and, of course, teaching, many educators spend hundreds of hours writing college recommendations. My wife writes about fifty to sixty letters a year! I write a handful. Of the hundreds of students whom we have helped with the college process, only a few ever acknowledge that effort. A few years ago, when I told parents, gathered at a fall parent meeting, that most students don’t even say the words, “thank you” to the teachers who have written their recommendations, there was an audible gasp.

Every May, I receive two or three emails from freshmen thanking me for my A Tale of Two Cities recordings. I save these emails. If you wrote one to me, I still have it. I have all of them. Want to see them? I have met some wonderful students because they took that little moment to send a note after finishing about eighteen hours of listening to me. I treasure these emails and the relationships they engender.

The theatre program at D.H.S. has a saying that expresses this idea well. They say, “The most important thing is the way we treat each other.” The smile or “hi” in the hall, the thank you at the end of class, the held door, or the quick acknowledgment are gifts we give each other. After all, we live together. We go to school together. We share this community. While we may not be family in the sense that I am not paying for your college tuition (well, I am paying for a select few), we work and learn together. We spend years together.

Our community is more than teachers and students. We build wonderful relationships with secretaries, custodians, teacher aides, security guards, technology staff, and many other people on our Deerfield journeys. They deserve thanks, too. We all have reason to sincerely thank each other. As my students know, I thank them at the end of every class period –and I mean it! When I say, “thank you for flying Freshman English,” (or whichever class it is), it is more than a dismissal. I treasure our time together and the relationships we form.

And I miss my students after they graduate. Many alumni become my friends on Facebook and I treasure each quick glimpse of their post-high school lives through pictures and comments. But my favorite gifts of the season are their visits before Thanksgiving and winter break. On my desk is a picture of my class of 2012 homeroom. I am hoping they stop by over the holidays. I just want to see them. I just want to know that everything is okay. I want to say, “thank you.”

Recently, I have been able to say, “thank you” to one of my teachers. We have been exchanging emails, and we are going to see each other when he comes to town in the summer.  My experience learning with him is one of the reasons I am in education. I am so grateful that I got to study with him and that we have renewed our relationship, a relationship that began in a classroom just like those at D.H.S.

Thanksgiving and the winter holidays are a good time to renew our relationships. This season is an opportunity to look at each other and affirm what we share. I like the holiday gifts that a few students drop off before winter break. Coffee cards and notepads are nice, but the real presents are the relationships.

Long after we have forgotten thesis or theme, formula or fact, we will remember the time we spent together. That is the real reason to celebrate this season. That is why it is so important to treat each other well. That is why “thank you” means so much. 

How To Write A Thank You Note

Saying, “thank you” is important. I have written about my concern that the act of saying, "thank you" is endangered. The thank you note and formally thanking people is another piece of gratitude that seems to be vanishing.

We don’t get many thank you notes any more. We receive them occasionally if my child goes to a bar or bat mitzvah or if we send a gift for a wedding or other special occasion.

Sending a thank you note or a thank you email should feel good to the recipient. It should be sincere gesture of gratitude. However, sometimes these notes seem obligatory and mechanical – and almost insulting.

What makes a strong or weak thank you note? First and foremost, it must be personal. It must be written to me! It should address me by a specific name that reflects the nature of our relationship. For most people, that would be my first name. For my students and formal relationships, it would be Mr. Hirsch. I am not a stickler for “Dear” as an opening. I am fine with “Hi” or “Hello” or just my name. The formality or informality should match the relationship and occasion.

The reason for the thank you note must be named – specifically! Yes, it is sometimes difficult to keep track of who gave what. What is the message in “thank you for your gift”?  This says that the writer doesn’t know what I gave, doesn’t care about it, or wrote a generic note.

I like to see a statement affirming our relationship in a thank you note. This may be as simple as, “It was so nice to see you” or “I miss our Tuesday nights together. Let’s make a date soon.” This is a way of saying that, although the thank you note is focused on whatever was given, the real gift is the bond between the sender and receiver.

Here is a little thank you note formula:

• An opening greeting that names the recipient in a relationally appropriate way
• Direct thank you for what was given, naming it specifically – without minimizing (no “this is just to say”).
• A statement about how the gift was valued, used, or is reflective of the relationship.
• An affirmation of the value of the relationship.
  
• A sincere salutation (it could be “sincerely,” “yours truly,” or even “love” for family)
• The name of the sender – often only the first name

Poor thank you notes are often one sentence and usually do not even name the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for your gift and coming to my bar mitzvah

From,

Bullyragged Bar Mitvah Boy

Fair thank you notes have some of the parts and some of the feeling:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the kitchenware. We love to cook.

It was good to see you at our wedding.

All the best,

Tired Couple

Great thank you notes are personal, complete, and make the sender feel good about giving the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the generous contribution in our honor.  We have all lost family members to cancer and your donation really made us think of our relatives and your Aunt Evey, too. We think of her often.

We hope we can get together when we are in town. It won’t be until summer this year but we’ll call you as soon as we know when we’re coming in. We love seeing you and your wonderful family.

May your donation help scientists find cures so we can all grow old together!

Stay happy and healthy,

Your Good Friends From Out of Town

It feels good to give a gift. It feels good to receive one. Expressing our sincere gratitude ties the two together. 

Put Down the Phone!

Not long ago, I was in an Imax movie and there were several teenage girls sitting next to me. The screen was BIG and the sound was LOUD. It was a very engaging experience. Yet, these girls were texting through it!

I came home to find that my son had a few friends over. They were seated at the kitchen table playing games on their phones. They were in their own worlds. The boys without smart phones were left out and eventually went home.

At my daughter’s college orientation, there were many parents who, despite having traveled to learn about their child’s college, were on their phones throughout important presentations.

Then there are those who cannot put down their phones even when it endangers their own or others’ physical safety. There are far too many drivers with their eyes on their phones instead of the road!  

What is going on here?  Why are we so obsessed with our phones? Why does using our technology supersede all other concerns? We make a statement with our phone use. We tell the people around us what is REALLY important to us.

Here are some my guidelines for smart smart phone use:

1. No use of the phone while driving. Not at stoplights. Not hands free. Not voice command. While I am driving, I drive. If my phone rings and I need to use it, I pull over.

2. I don’t do phone “work” in public amidst social gatherings. If I must send an email or text, I excuse myself and go to a private spot and do my business.

3. I do not use my phone as a toy when I could interact with the people around me. Waiting rooms, airports, and other solitary places are good spots to play games, read newsfeeds, or check websites. If it would be rude to read, it is not okay to use the phone.

4. I think it is acceptable to use my phone as a point of conversation. For example, I may show people photos on my phone or use its resources to find a restaurant, look up the answer to a question raised in conversation, or demonstrate something. In this way, the people around me are sharing my phone.

5. When I am having a phone conversation, I speak more quietly and go to an area away from people having face-to-face conversations.

6. I do not pull out my phone during public performances, presentations, or events. If there is an unavoidable reason to use my phone during a concert, speaker, or movie, I leave the room. And my phone is completely silent from the moment I enter a performance space!

7. The people present may not be ignored. If my phone rings and interrupts a conversation, I treat the people around me with the same respect I would give callers I am about to put on hold – and I do not leave them hanging for long. This is similar to the situation where, when I am talking to someone, my child comes up to me and asks for my attention. It is socially acceptable and appropriate to say to those with whom I am talking, “Excuse me for one minute, my kid needs me. I’ll be right back.”  The key here is that it must be this kind of situation. Which leads me to:

8. I am highly selective about which calls I will take. My default ring tone is silent. Only people I want to hear from are assigned a ringtone. My family and my close friends have individual ringtones. So I know who is calling without looking at my phone and many callers are simply directed to voice mail when I am otherwise engaged.

The big rule is people first, phones fourth.

Graduation Cheers and Jeers

Small children get attention by throwing fits. Everything must stop and the world must focus on the child. While I have never seen a toddler-style tantrum at a high school graduation, I have seen its teenage equivalents. A small number of students and their families feel the need for more attention. Walking across the stage and receiving a diploma to the applause of teachers, classmates and community is not enough. This group needs whoops, dances, antics and catcalls. Why? For a very similar reason that a toddler throws a tantrum.

As students cross the graduation stage, the tide of applause ebbs and flows. For some students the clapping gets a little bit louder than others. For a few students, there is a noticeable increase in the volume of clapping. It is my experience that these students are the ones who have made a real difference in the life of the school. They are the students who have genuinely contributed and whose involvement has been significant and whose relationships, both with adults and kids, have been sincere and positive. This group rarely has any “tantrums.”

On the other hand, students who receive loud and boisterous acknowledgement, who do little dances or make a spectacle of themselves, almost always fall into another category. These children are usually far less involved in the school. They often give the appearance of substance use. The applause for these students is not noticeably greater or less than the average student.

However, these kids want extra attention. That is what the catcalls and dances are all about. These kids often had opportunities for positive attention during their high school years. Some have had the spotlight in many ways. The need to stand out this way at graduation cannot be attributed to being attention starved. Many of these students have received more than their share of attention from both adults and their fellow students.

I have sat through more than twenty high school graduations and, over and over, the vast majority of kids walk across the stage to polite applause. They have huge grins on their faces and their families’ joy is clearly evident. However, for the tantrum minority, the graduation may be far more bittersweet. While the sound and the fury may seem to signify their elation at this achievement (and often for some of these students, graduation was not a forgone conclusion), it may really be a sign of serious concern.

When we see a parent in a store with a two or three-year old who is throwing a tantrum, we may sympathize or condemn. When we see a parent with a nine or ten year old throwing a tantrum, we have to wonder. While an eighteen year old may be too old for the traditional tantrum, for many of these families, high school has been a series of outbursts and attention seeking negative behaviors.

I don’t justify the misbehavior of either the kids or their friends and family by saying that they are relieved to see the child receive a diploma. However, I believe that they are fantastically nervous about the next steps. If some of them aren’t, maybe they should be. Many, if not most, of these students are moving on to some form of college. Their parents will not be monitoring their choices (although many have had difficulty with this prior to high school graduation). For many of these students, college turns out to be one long tantrum. Many don’t even make it through freshman year. The screams and whistles, cheers and whoops are really cries.

I have only seen a handful of eighth grade graduations. I did not see much of this kind of behavior there. I wonder if observing who gets the “whoops” at the end of middle school might help us identify these kids earlier? Could we intervene earlier and make everyone’s high school graduation a little bit more polite and enjoyable?

Years ago, these tantrums at graduation made me angry. I saw them as selfish and disrespectful. And they are. And while I still shake my head and disapprove, I know that the small blemish that their behavior places on our wonderful graduation is nothing compared to the pain that is coming. I hope they will grow up. I hope that their families will provide them with the support and attention for which they are so obviously starved. It concerns me that the patterns are in place. Yet, my formal role is over. Graduation is the end of the line for me; most of these students will move on and never look back. They will now depend on another faculty. Maybe I should cheer too.

Save the Endangered "Thank You"

While it is the time of year when we are inundated with things for which we should be thankful, I am very worried that root word is on its way out. Thanksgiving may be a time to be grateful, but increasingly, fewer and fewer people are taking time to say, “thanks.”

How many times have you held the door open for someone who walks past you as if that is your job (and you are overpaid for it, too)? How many times have you seen kind acts ignored, taken for granted, or added to the list of obligations?

Last year, my daughter and I were standing in a long line at the omelet station while we were on vacation. The chef was working very hard. When people arrived at the front of the line, they gave him specific orders about what they wanted in the omelet, and how they wanted it cooked. They would then dash off to the rest of the buffet and get other things to eat. We noticed that, as they returned and picked up their food, many didn’t even make eye contact with the hard working chef. My daughter and I started counting how many of them said, “Thank you.” It was fewer than a third.

Friends of ours tell a similar story. While vacationing in Florida, their waiter asked them if they were from the Midwest. They asked if he knew this because of their accents. “No,” he replied, “You say, thank you.”

Please understand that I am advocating a spoken, “thank you.” I am not asking for thank you notes, gifts, banners, or full-page ads. Simply saying, “thank you” costs nothing and takes almost no time. Why then don’t we hear (and say it) more often.

Because, like infants, many people are increasingly solipsistic. This is not merely selfishness, it is a view that the entire world is merely an extension of the self. My family is an extension of my self. The products I purchase and the stores at which I buy them reflect my personality. We are spending our lives in front of a gigantic mirror and all we can think of to say is, “Does this make me look fat?”

This probably explains why thank you’s sibling is already dead. Next time you say, “thank you,” listen closely to the response. Most likely, you will hear some version of “no problem.” This is a very different response than, “You’re welcome.”

“No problem,” says that the act for which you were thanked didn’t cause any strain or issue. It is a self-focused response. “You’re welcome,” is focused on the other person. It says that the act was deliberately intended for you. “You’re welcome,” says that I was thinking, not about myself, but about you and I wanted what was best for you. “No problem,” acknowledges that, if there were any benefits to you, I am relieved that there were no costs for me.

Costs are what “thank you,” is all about. Thanksgiving is the start of the “season of giving.” Maybe it should be renamed the season of receiving. As our cause du jour on Thanksgiving, please consider reviving the old and honorable tradition of regularly using, “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” and expressing the value of reaching beyond ourselves.

Thank you.

The Rules Don’t Apply To Me

Picking up my son at his elementary school made me crazy. I would pass the moms parked in front of signs that clearly read, “No Parking, Standing or Stopping.” Then the line would be held up by parents who blatantly disregarded the procedures and encouraged their children to run through parked cars into traffic. These elementary school children then got into the front passenger seats, which is not only against the law but could be lethal if an airbag deployed. Meanwhile, their parents chat away on their cell phones, another violation of the rules. Finally, I watched cars pull away from the line without any regard to the through traffic moving next to them. Fortunately, I have not witnessed any accidents, but I have seen too many near misses.

Why do people behave as if the rules do not apply to them? And what lesson are they teaching their children? These kids are not blind or dumb. They know mom or dad is breaking the rules. I can see the results in the high school.

Of course this behavior is not confined to the pick up line at my son’s school. We see this all the time. From able-bodied people using handicapped parking spaces to patrons on cell phones in movie theaters and smokers who use the entire world as their ashtrays. The idea that rules and laws are optional is everywhere.

Are these rules optional? Most of these transgressions are minor and the perpetrators (if that is not too strong of a word) do not receive any penalties. They don’t seem to feel any guilt either. That doesn’t mean that these actions are okay.

I do not believe in blinding following rules. But I do not believe in blindly disregarding them either. We live in a society that is held together by the rule of law. If a law is unjust or ill conceived, there are means by which we can address that. But I don’t think the moms who are violating the “No Parking, Stopping or Standing” law are committing acts of civil disobedience.

Most of these misbehaviors are unconscious and thoughtless. If you are talking on your cell phone, you will not be focused on your child’s safety nor will you be likely to make good decisions. Yet I can’t let everyone off the hook so easily. While the person who cuts in line may not have realized that the line started on the other side, many times the act was deliberate. The meaning is clear: my needs are more important than yours. It is old-fashioned selfishness.

And what need is it that drives (pun intended) much of this: convenience. Following the rules requires some thought. Following the rules often takes a few more minutes. Following the rules means slowing down enough to consider the needs of the others. People are in a hurry and want to make tasks faster and easier and the rules are in the way. And they don’t want to work that hard anyway.

I want to ask these pick up parents, “Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want your children to become?” There is a price to be paid for these choices. Sometimes we pay that price and sometimes others do. Is it fair that you speed through while making someone else wait? Is it better to get something done easier at the cost of safety? Little deals add up to big deals and, to rephrase a proverb, the road to hell may be paved with thoughtless and selfish shortcuts.