The Gift of You: My Deerprints Column

My grandmother was the only person I knew who sent a thank-you note for a thank-you note. I remember asking my father if I had to send a thank-you note for her thank-you note for my original thank-you note. But my grandmother knew what she was doing. She knew the importance of gratitude and courtesy, and she was skilled in the art of cultivating and maintaining relationships.

Many years ago, I was startled when a student said, “thank you” as she left our classroom. Usually, students were in the hall before the echo of the bell reverberated off the linoleum. “You’re welcome,” I replied, “and thank you, too!” It wasn’t the “thank you” that stuck with me. It was what it meant and the immediate effect it had on our relationship. It was only a little extra, but it was a special gift nonetheless.

Last spring, a colleague of mine and I spoke at the Shepard promotion ceremonies. Rather than give them lots of advice or brag about D.H.S., we decided to focus on one idea; we told the graduating eighth graders to say, “hi” in the halls. We advised them that building relationships, as much or more than building resumes, was what would make their high school careers meaningful and happy. The extra moment in the hall or classroom is a relationship changer.

In addition to planning for class, grading, going to meetings, and, of course, teaching, many educators spend hundreds of hours writing college recommendations. My wife writes about fifty to sixty letters a year! I write a handful. Of the hundreds of students whom we have helped with the college process, only a few ever acknowledge that effort. A few years ago, when I told parents, gathered at a fall parent meeting, that most students don’t even say the words, “thank you” to the teachers who have written their recommendations, there was an audible gasp.

Every May, I receive two or three emails from freshmen thanking me for my A Tale of Two Cities recordings. I save these emails. If you wrote one to me, I still have it. I have all of them. Want to see them? I have met some wonderful students because they took that little moment to send a note after finishing about eighteen hours of listening to me. I treasure these emails and the relationships they engender.

The theatre program at D.H.S. has a saying that expresses this idea well. They say, “The most important thing is the way we treat each other.” The smile or “hi” in the hall, the thank you at the end of class, the held door, or the quick acknowledgment are gifts we give each other. After all, we live together. We go to school together. We share this community. While we may not be family in the sense that I am not paying for your college tuition (well, I am paying for a select few), we work and learn together. We spend years together.

Our community is more than teachers and students. We build wonderful relationships with secretaries, custodians, teacher aides, security guards, technology staff, and many other people on our Deerfield journeys. They deserve thanks, too. We all have reason to sincerely thank each other. As my students know, I thank them at the end of every class period –and I mean it! When I say, “thank you for flying Freshman English,” (or whichever class it is), it is more than a dismissal. I treasure our time together and the relationships we form.

And I miss my students after they graduate. Many alumni become my friends on Facebook and I treasure each quick glimpse of their post-high school lives through pictures and comments. But my favorite gifts of the season are their visits before Thanksgiving and winter break. On my desk is a picture of my class of 2012 homeroom. I am hoping they stop by over the holidays. I just want to see them. I just want to know that everything is okay. I want to say, “thank you.”

Recently, I have been able to say, “thank you” to one of my teachers. We have been exchanging emails, and we are going to see each other when he comes to town in the summer.  My experience learning with him is one of the reasons I am in education. I am so grateful that I got to study with him and that we have renewed our relationship, a relationship that began in a classroom just like those at D.H.S.

Thanksgiving and the winter holidays are a good time to renew our relationships. This season is an opportunity to look at each other and affirm what we share. I like the holiday gifts that a few students drop off before winter break. Coffee cards and notepads are nice, but the real presents are the relationships.

Long after we have forgotten thesis or theme, formula or fact, we will remember the time we spent together. That is the real reason to celebrate this season. That is why it is so important to treat each other well. That is why “thank you” means so much.