How To Write A Thank You Note

Saying, “thank you” is important. I have written about my concern that the act of saying, "thank you" is endangered. The thank you note and formally thanking people is another piece of gratitude that seems to be vanishing.

We don’t get many thank you notes any more. We receive them occasionally if my child goes to a bar or bat mitzvah or if we send a gift for a wedding or other special occasion.

Sending a thank you note or a thank you email should feel good to the recipient. It should be sincere gesture of gratitude. However, sometimes these notes seem obligatory and mechanical – and almost insulting.

What makes a strong or weak thank you note? First and foremost, it must be personal. It must be written to me! It should address me by a specific name that reflects the nature of our relationship. For most people, that would be my first name. For my students and formal relationships, it would be Mr. Hirsch. I am not a stickler for “Dear” as an opening. I am fine with “Hi” or “Hello” or just my name. The formality or informality should match the relationship and occasion.

The reason for the thank you note must be named – specifically! Yes, it is sometimes difficult to keep track of who gave what. What is the message in “thank you for your gift”?  This says that the writer doesn’t know what I gave, doesn’t care about it, or wrote a generic note.

I like to see a statement affirming our relationship in a thank you note. This may be as simple as, “It was so nice to see you” or “I miss our Tuesday nights together. Let’s make a date soon.” This is a way of saying that, although the thank you note is focused on whatever was given, the real gift is the bond between the sender and receiver.

Here is a little thank you note formula:

• An opening greeting that names the recipient in a relationally appropriate way
• Direct thank you for what was given, naming it specifically – without minimizing (no “this is just to say”).
• A statement about how the gift was valued, used, or is reflective of the relationship.
• An affirmation of the value of the relationship.
  
• A sincere salutation (it could be “sincerely,” “yours truly,” or even “love” for family)
• The name of the sender – often only the first name

Poor thank you notes are often one sentence and usually do not even name the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for your gift and coming to my bar mitzvah

From,

Bullyragged Bar Mitvah Boy

Fair thank you notes have some of the parts and some of the feeling:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the kitchenware. We love to cook.

It was good to see you at our wedding.

All the best,

Tired Couple

Great thank you notes are personal, complete, and make the sender feel good about giving the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the generous contribution in our honor.  We have all lost family members to cancer and your donation really made us think of our relatives and your Aunt Evey, too. We think of her often.

We hope we can get together when we are in town. It won’t be until summer this year but we’ll call you as soon as we know when we’re coming in. We love seeing you and your wonderful family.

May your donation help scientists find cures so we can all grow old together!

Stay happy and healthy,

Your Good Friends From Out of Town

It feels good to give a gift. It feels good to receive one. Expressing our sincere gratitude ties the two together.