Making Mensches!

As I watched a fairly average fifteen-year-old boy bother the student next to him, then go to his computer and quickly move his thumb on the trackpad so I wouldn’t see what he was doing there, and then look at me and grin, I wanted to pull him aside and ask, “Do you know what a mensch is?”

I have written about what are called “soft skills” and college readiness characteristics beyond those on standardized tests. In the beginning of the year, I provide my students with a list of behaviors that strong students demonstrate. But when I was looking at this young man, I was thinking of something more basic, and perhaps more important: being a “mensch.”

Mensch is a Yiddish word that is most often translated to mean a good person. Merriam-Webster Diction defines it as a person of integrity and honor. Urban Diction goes further and quotes Leo Rosten from his book The Joys of Yiddish, “A mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being ‘a real mensch’ is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous.”

How can we help our children and our students become mensches? I am all too aware that children, and high school students in particular, are narcissistic and often developmentally unable to see things from another person’s point of view. Is it not unrealistic to start high schoolers down the road to becoming mensches!

While some mensches may be born, I believe that many are made. Some are self-made, but many are assisted by parents, teachers, role models, and friends. How can parents, teachers, and concerned others help our kids become better people?

Here are a few ways we might help our children to become mensches:

Model mensch-ness ourselves: Even if our children are not in the car, even if we are alone and our actions will be noticed by no one, we must commit ourselves to the same ideals we ask of them! Our children must see us working toward mensch-ness! We must practice what we profess!

Choosing kindness: I often ask my students what “kind” of person they want to be? We share stories of the small acts of generosity that have made our days: a smile, a hello in the hall, a held-open door, or a sincere compliment. These are easy things to overlook. Choosing kindness helps get us out of ourselves and asks us to recognize our impact on others: we choose to make that impact a positive one.

Making manners matter: I remember the first time a student thanked me on her way out of the classroom. I was stunned! New teachers to our building are often surprised when students do this. I thank every group of students at the end of every class period. Manners matter.

Teaching empathy: Kids see others as like themselves or different. They sit with their friends at lunch; they do not sit with different kids. They like people who look like them, do the things they do, and behave the way they behave. Growing beyond these narrow boundaries may be one of the most difficult tasks of adolescence. Good literature, film, and drama can help students inhabit another persons’ feelings and thoughts. This is one of the reasons, I believe, that the mensches I meet in school are often readers. The more we provide children experiences feeling with another, the less they will see differences as bad and be able to truly identify with people.  

Being that person: A mensch cannot be a bystander. A mensch does not walk past the crying student. How many times have we heard, “Someone ought to do something about this?” People complain about problems, but leave them for other people. A mensch is that someone. A mensch is the person who rings the bell, helps the stranger, raises their hand, alerts the authority, makes the call, and makes the difference.

Being aware: Many people live in their own bubble. They don’t see what is going on around them. They don’t realize their effect on their environment and the people around them. A mensch is observant. A mensch sees the bigger picture and their role in it.

Slowing down, looking, and listening: Have you ever thought the person on the other end of the phone was doing something while talking to you? It is both refreshing and wonderful to realize that you are really being heard, that someone really sees you, and that you matter enough that someone will give you their time. Time may be our most precious gift. We rush through our day and don’t share our most important currency. Can we teach our children to stop, look, and listen – not for traffic, but at people?

Perhaps we are really discussing strong interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence, or maturity. Yet, I think these are teachable. Introducing students to the goal of being a mensch pulls them out of their adolescent selfie and opens their eyes to a greater picture.

Keeping Passover Is More Than What We Do Not Eat

People ask me if I am keeping Passover. What they really want to know is if I am eating any bread products. My usual response is, as an ethical-moral vegetarian, my eating habits are always foremost on my mind and connected to my values every day. I don’t need a holiday to remind me of the power of my food choices. But is keeping Passover just about food? Is Passover a holiday about diet? 

Passover can be a personal holiday in which people reflect on what it would have been like to be freed from slavery in Egypt. Freedom and slavery sit at the center of this holiday. The rights of an oppressed population, the costs to the oppressor, and the sacrifices and struggles that the fight for freedom requires are key themes of Passover. Yet, when we celebrate, we focus on food. They are the main symbols and the focus of the seder, but Passover is far more than what we eat or don’t eat.

The holiday is not without its problems. It is a holiday that seems to celebrate the pain of innocents and the deaths of children. Its literal historicity has been the subject of debate as well. At least one west coast rabbi created a “furor” when he openly stated that the story was not factual. What does it mean to “keep” traditions that are associated with this kind of story?  

The holiday has changed throughout the centuries. Jews from different parts of the world celebrate in their own ways and even disagree about what foods are permitted.  Given the diversity of Jewish thought, experience, and practice, it should come as no surprise that there are many ways to approach Passover. There is no one correct way to keep the holiday.

My wonderful little Humanistic congregation, Kol Hadash, has a food donation drive prior to the start of Passover. While removing certain foods from our diets is one way to keep the holiday, another is to help those for whom every day is a fast day.

Unfortunately, slavery is still with us. CNN recently reported about how the Attorney General of Missouri is fighting for freedom. Each year, I look for organizations that strive to end slavery and human trafficking. This year, I am contributing to Polaris. Fighting the plague of slavery is another way to keep Passover.

The Passover tradition is to keep the front door open, and include a glass of wine for the prophet Elijah. It is also customary to invite guests to our seder and welcome those who have no place to celebrate. In a time when national walls are rising, Passover’s story of a refugee people runs contrary to the current political mood. Do we want to lock Elijah out? Working to keep our national doors open is another way to keep the holiday.

Let us not slip into the easy answer that all Passover asks of us is the elimination of dietary fiber (which may be why the main phrase of this holiday is, “let my people GO!”).

Passover asks us for empathy. Passover asks us to repair the world. Passover asks us to include the stranger at our table. It is a powerful holiday that celebrates far more than what we do or do not eat.