Privacy Protections Not TikTok Bans

When I was in the classroom (I’m retired), I wanted to keep up with my students’ technology trends. I wanted to know what interested and engaged my students. I was aware of social media when My Space, Friendster, and eventually, Facebook came out. However, it wasn’t until I signed up for an account on Facebook that I really understood what all the fuss was about. Reading about teen culture is one thing, diving in is very different. 

When TikTok came out, I didn’t hear kids talking about it. I had an account on Instagram and I found the “stories” slow and often duplicates of images and ideas from other posts. My students seemed more involved in other platforms like Snapchat.

Two years ago, on vacation, my twenty-something daughter (our family trailblazer) showed me the TikTok videos she was watching. We spent an hour or more laughing together. It was delightful. 

She showed me that TikTok was more than comedy videos. She was learning about smart homes, cooking, and other do-it-yourself skills. So, I signed up. I found TikTok the most entertaining of my social media sources. I like Facebook for personal connections, but TikTok was way more engaging and thus time-consuming. 

There, I said it. Despite the controversy, the fear of foreign manipulation, or the theft of my personal data, I like TikTok because it is the most entertaining, edifying, and enjoyable social media site I have found - and I have tried almost all of them. 

I like TikTok’s variety of content. I am following folks reviewing and talking about books, science fiction, Star Trek, theatre, education, religion, health, social issues – and, of course, politics. I hear about people’s perspectives and experiences. I learn about music, linguistics, science, education, and technology. 

While our lawmakers are worried about espionage, misinformation, and unethical use of my information, my concern is more about the way kids may be using social media (on any of its platforms). I am told that kids are using TikTok instead of search engines and it has become a mediator of the internet for them. Yet, this is a problem with many social media platforms, not just TikTok. Kids must be taught both critical thinking skills and how to seek and evaluate information they find online. 

And yes, I have Marshall McLuhan in my head at times asking something like, does viewing short, clever, and easy to digest videos about such important topics as race, religion, and the culture wars minimize and trivialize these complex issues? Is it also possible that this medium has made messages both more available and powerful to a new audience? 

Yet, when some legislators seem to want people to go to sleep rather than confront anything that might kick their complacency, worrying about quick videos seems the least of our troubles. The issue is not the form or the ownership. The issue is that social media can foment hate and violence. The issue is that kids can learn wonderful and wholesome lessons as well as destructive and dangerous ones. But that is a problem with all social media platforms, not just TikTok. In fact, that is an issue on and off the internet. 

Should we be concerned about privacy? Of course. At this point, it is more than a cliché statement that if you don’t pay for a service, you are the product. TikTok is getting my attention. But that, too, happens with every social media platform. 

Do I make purchasing decisions based on TikTok, Facebook or other online ads: not consciously. Will I? Perhaps. I am thinking about buying some of the products that the home automation guy on TikTok has been demonstrating (but I haven’t done it yet). I do go to some of the websites that I learn about from the people who demonstrate “useful websites I’ll bet you didn’t know about.” 

I know I am leaving digital footprints. They are far deeper than my use of TikTok. I find Facebook’s targeted ads creepy. But the use of my data is the price I am paying for this service. Should the government make sure that Facebook, TikTok, and others use my data ethically? Absolutely!  

Burying our heads in analog sand (or staying asleep) is not going to help either. Our world is now, at least in part, online. We must be informed and connected. TikTok has, on several occasions, informed me about important issues long before they appeared in my news feeds. Snapchat doesn’t work for me. I find Instagram slow and self-indulgent. Facebook is a way to stay connected to distant folks. I don’t go to social media to be angry or argue. I don’t go to feel good about myself or look down at others. I go to learn, connect, explore, and laugh. I hear authentic voices that I might not hear in real life (IRL). 

Banning TikTok doesn’t make us personally or communally safer. Creating legislation that protects users against inappropriate and unethical use of their data might. Like other industries, social media, and perhaps the internet in general, could use some consumer protections – in order to do this, lawmakers need to become much more knowledgeable about today’s technology! 

For Me, Social Media is About the People

Dear Friends, 

Social media has been much maligned recently and for good reason. I know that many people use Facebook, Instagram, and other online services to get their news, make political statements, market their businesses, and spread all sorts of things that might be called information. As you know, I have experimented with doing some of these things. However, the reason I am writing this is to let you know the real reason I stay on social media: I love thinking about you.

Seeing your photo, comment, post, or whatever reminds me of you. It makes me smile. I fully understand that getting together and actually having a face-to-face conversation would be more authentic and substantial. But let’s be honest, if I went for meals, walks, meet-ups, or gatherings with all my friends online, that would probably become all I would have the time or energy to do – and then there are the issues of distance and COVID. Social media is superficial contact, but it is much better than none at all. 

I rejoice with you when special things happen, empathize with you when there are struggles and losses, and remember our time together. For many of us, we shared school together. I am not the person I was in middle or high school or even college. I am not the cocky kid who started teaching at Deerfield High School thirty-some years ago. It is clear that all of us are growing up and growing old and that is a good thing. I liked you then. I like who you are becoming and it is delightful to get a little glimpse into your present person. 

Yes, there are times when I don’t understand what you post. While this is more often true of my younger friends, it is not exclusively so. I also need to note that my “younger” former students are increasingly closer to my age than I would have thought possible when I started teaching. 

Sometimes, I worry about you. Sometimes, I sent you private messages to check my understanding of what you posted. Sometimes I don’t because I cling to the idea that I probably misunderstood what you posted and I don’t want to pry into the details. I don’t want anyone to think that big teacher is watching. I don’t even have administrators to report to anymore! 

Sometimes, I disagree with you. I don’t often tell you so. I have not found social media to be a good platform for complex discussion. More often, I want to know more. You probably don’t know it, but many of you have sent me researching topics, learning about different points of view, and reading, reading, reading! Thank goodness, I love reading. 

I will admit that I get a twinge when there are significant proofing errors in your writing. I am still a former English teacher. I get much more than a twinge when those significant issues are in your thinking. There have been several times when I have wanted to provide a refresher on logic, critical thinking, evaluation, attribution, credibility of sources, or other topics I am certain we covered in class. The teacher hat never completely comes off, although it does transform. I don’t want to be too “teacherly” online, even if some of my friends still won’t use my first name. 

Like it was when we saw each other in person, our relationship is complex. Because it is primarily expressed in quick snatches of text and images, it has also become somewhat telegraphic. Small symbols may have big meanings. I do read between the lines and I am always trying to figure out if the meanings I intuit are correct. Sometimes I ask. Often, I do not. 

While there may be many people who have been horribly misled by social media, I hope my friends are not among them. I hope you are safe and healthy. I hope you are vaccinated (sorry, that is one of my big worries for my friends - if it feels political to you, that is another conversation). I hope you and the people you hold dear are doing well. I love seeing photos of your special people and sharing the good feelings that come with them. I hope you had a healthy and peaceful holiday season. 

I try not to spend too much time in front of the computer if I can help it. So I know, too, that I miss things. Sometimes I only see a post when someone else comments on it, when it is reposted, or if it is brought to my attention. Please don’t assume that, since you put it online, I saw it. We all know that social media has an odd algorithm that puts some posts higher up than others. If you want me to see something, please send it to me by messenger or email! 

I want to repeat that, for me, social media is social. Seeing you is what it is about for me. I don’t get my news from Facebook. I don’t form or debate my political views online. You know me – I read! I am an RSS-aholic and I am always putting aside articles to read later – even though I am reading a great deal each day. I am never up to date! I share some of the articles I read each month on this blog. 

Finally, thank you. Thank you for making me smile when you pop up on my computer. Thank you for keeping our relationship alive. Thank you for the connection. 

It matters a lot to me because you matter a lot to me. 

Reading For Treasure: Before The Election:

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles (and other readings) that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

How can we tell what is “real” or “fake” news? For most of us, our social media feed is primarily populated with opinions similar to ours. Wired’s article, “How to Break Out of Your Social Media Echo Chamber” provides some good suggestions about how to change our use of Facebook, Twitter, and other online sources so we can get a more balanced and complete picture of our world – not just a confirmation of what someone thinks we want to hear.

A second Wired article explores the problem of fake news, specifically the use of deep fake videos. How can we recognize news sources designed to fool us? Maybe, “America Needs A Ministry of Truth.” The author explains that this is not going to be the same as the one in Orwell’s 1984, but more along the lines of the EPA, FDA, or other agencies that protect the public. As I read this, I thought about a media Underwriters Laboratory; an independent agency that puts their stamp of approval on information. Regardless, we are soon going to need help separating the fact from deep fake.

The great scientist Carl Sagan wrote about “The Fine Art of Baloney Detection” and provided some very specific advice in his book, The Demon-Haunted World. His route to critical thinking has been the subject of several articles, including “The Baloney Detection Kit: Carl Sagan’s Rules for Bullshit-Busting and Critical Thinking” from brainpickings. The article summarizes his rules and provides Sagan’s take on logical fallacies as well. If you are interested, here is the complete chapter of the book.

While a lawn sign may tell which of your neighbors supports which candidates, Lifehacker provides us with tools that let us “See Who Has Donated to a Political Campaign With These Tools.” If we want to avoid the echo chamber or make certain that a source is being sincere in support, it might be good to know if they put their money there, too.

Two articles answer the question I hear a great deal, “how could THEY believe this stuff?” Medium’s “Why Your Christian Friends and Family Members Are So Easily Fooled By Conspiracy Theories” and the Independent’s “I grew up in rural, small-town America – and I can tell you the real reason why people love Donald Trump.” While not entirely unbiased, they do give a glimpse into these specific points of view.

The Washington Post recommends, “Stop fretting about Trump and do something about it. Right now.” This article is good advice regardless of your political leanings. It is basically a guide to how to check your voter registration and make sure you can vote - and get others to vote!

I am currently reading The Regional Office is Under Attack by Manuel Gonzales.

Reading for Treasure: February

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction! Here are some articles to read discussing how we can both mentally and physically protect our children and ourselves:

10 Reasons Teens Have So Much Anxiety Today: This quick article from Psychology Today lists specific reasons that teens today may be much more anxious than we were at their age. It is a good checklist for parents!

Teach Your Kids To Value Empathy Over Tenacity: Years ago, my congregational rabbi’s High Holiday sermon asked, “Would you rather your children be successful or good?” Kids know what we really value by our behavior, even if our actions don’t always match. This short Lifehacker article provides a good example of why empathy should be higher on most parents’ lists.

Encourage Teens to ‘Speak Before You Send’: This Lifehacker article is a great companion to the one above. I think we hear language very differently than we see it. When I just read my text or email in my head, it sounds fine. When I read it aloud, I hear it very differently. This is makes reading aloud a great editing tool – not only for writing skills but for empathy as well.

Bicyclists Should Be Shamed Into Wearing Helmets: This Chicago Tribune column takes a humorous angle on a very simple message: wear a helmet when riding a bike. I love the old man voice in this article. When my kids were growing up, we always said that you only needed to wear a helmet if you had something to protect…

10 quick thoughts on mobile phones in schools: This quick list from Dangerously Irrelevant really says that the problem is not phones. There are other issues and classroom phone struggles are really about teaching, the structure of schools, and the use of technology for learning. I agree!

I’m currently reading The Fated Sky by Mary Robinette Kowal

Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

Social Reading: Part II

My use of social annotation is the subject of Deerfield High School's Director of Instruction Technology's blog this week. In addition, our principal interviewed me about it. 

Social Reading

For the past twenty-some years, I have tried to find ways to help students become more active and engaged readers. Recently, I have been experimenting with some technological tools that have not only helped students to become better readers, but have helped them enjoy the process.

The most challenging text in Freshman English is Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. The language is rich, the plot complex, and the pace slow. I have tried many techniques to help students appreciate and comprehend this novel. One of the best ways was I created podcasts in which I taught the text as they read with me. Listening to the text and using their computer, phone, or mp3 player has been a real game changer to help students understand the text and provide an alternative to the many summary websites on the web.

For teenagers, it is all about the people. They like social networks, social events, but perhaps not social studies – or English. So a solitary activity, like reading, might be more attractive if it involved their friends.

A technique I have used that creates a social component to their reading is to take the pages of the novel, enlarge them, and put them on giant pieces of paper and have the students collaboratively annotate them. When using the “big paper,” I asked students to be completely silent and communicate only through their written comments on the page. Students would make the usual annotations; they would note characters, make connections, identify literary devices, and so on. But they were also able to answer each other’s questions and respond to each other’s comments. The big paper sessions not only provided a critical second reading, but also created a silent and social discussion of the text, a kind of low-tech chat board!

Last fall, I attended the National Council of Teachers of English’s convention in Washington, D.C. In a session on reading and writing digital texts, I was introduced to an iPad app called Subtext. Subtext allowed students to do what I was doing with the big paper with any text – and it could do more than that.

The problem was that my students don’t use iPads; they have Chromebooks. Rats! However, I found a way to take one of the main features of Subtext and provide it to my kids using our equipment and software.

While reading Romeo and Juliet, and A Tale of Two Cities, texts that are in the public domain and are freely available online, I copied the night’s reading assignment into a Google doc. I then invited my students to annotate the text using the comment function; our online collaborative social annotating experiment was born!

Students have responded very positively to this new way of reading! Sometimes, students read the work at home, and then come to class and annotate the collaborative documents together in class. Sometimes, they read and collaborate as homework.

Several months ago, I read an article by Grant Wiggins’ daughter, Alexis. When she shadowed a student at her new school, she realized how passive students are in class. At the end of the article, she reflects on how she would change her teaching given what she observed. She says that she would, “[a]sk every class to start with students’ Essential Questions or just general questions born of confusion from the previous night’s reading or the previous class’s discussion. I would ask them to come in to class and write them all on the board, and then, as a group, ask them to choose which one we start with and which ones need to be addressed.”

The collaborative reading document gave me a perfect opportunity to do what Ms. Wiggins was recommending. When students come to class, they review the collaborative annotations and use a second group document to write questions, claims, note quotations and start the discussion. We then let those responses guide and shape our conversation about the text. This process also provides my students with a chance to read complex texts a second time guided by their peers’ annotations. I struggle with the expectation that young readers will have the insight and inferential ability to glean great meaning from texts they have read after soccer practice or between math and science homework. This process lets them help each other to more fully explore and understand the literature – and they do it socially!

Students get to teach each other. They see each other’s annotations, answer each other’s questions, and respond to each other’s claims. My job is to give them the tools to do this – and then stand back and let them read and discuss - together!

Get Over Your Selfie!

Last week, I watched a high school student walk through a crowded hallway holding her phone in front of her and sticking out her tongue. She was taking a “selfie.” A selfie, for the two readers (I should stop there, right?) who do not know this term, is a picture taken of one’s self by one’s self almost always with a cell phone.

And there are a lot of selfies on the web and social network sites. One could argue that their purpose is to publish them. Many selfies are taken at arms length and look slightly distorted. Some are taken into mirrors.

The rise of the “profile” picture has encouraged people to take lots of photographs of themselves. People of a certain age are now as concerned with documenting their lives as they are with living them. An event doesn’t happen without photos. And nothing works better than a picture of me at an event.

It is seductive. I want to show my friends where I was. I want to take a picture with a celebrity or in front of a landmark. I want to show the world me! See me! Here I am! Look! Look! LOOK!

When my grandmother was packing to move, we discovered her old camera. I suggested that she use it to photograph her apartment. She told me that she didn’t know how to use the camera. I was confused. She had stacks of photos of her travels. However, as I looked at those pictures, I noticed something: she was in all the photos. She had never used her camera. She had always given it to someone else and asked that person to photograph her. Who knew that my grandmother was a trailblazer? She’d do wonderfully on Facebook.

What does it mean to be so focused on taking one’s own picture? When the point isn’t the experience, the sharing, or even the people, we are left with a narcissistic focus on the self –the selfie. It is always about me. Take the picture of me. Look at me. See where I have been and with whom. “Like” me!

And if you are with me, I might just cut you out. Another aspect of this phenomenon is the odd profile picture that is clearly a group shot – but the group has been excised. I have stopped noting how many people have disembodied hands on their shoulders or around their waists. Don’t look at the whole picture: look only at me!

To get you to look at me, I get tagged. Tagging (again for those two readers) is the labeling of the people (if there are other people – or their disconnected limbs) in the photo. Sometimes, we tag people who we wish were in the photo. Or were just outside the photo. Or might like the photo. Look at me!

The way to ruin someone’s perfect self-portrait: bomb it! Photo bombing is the practice of sneaking into someone else’s picture and facing the camera, often with an odd smile or funny face. It is not enough that I have lots of pictures of me; I have to ruin other people’s pictures. When you are looking at your picture, instead you will see me! Don’t look at you; look at me!

There is nothing wrong with a strong sense of self or a healthy ego. However, taken too far, we become all about ego and little else. When the world becomes one big mirror, we become obsessed with our image in it. We are important, yet there is so much more. Our cameras can record beautiful sunsets and landmarks, historic events, and feats of great courage and skill. Or they can be filled our distorted faces with our tongues sticking out.

Prevent the Hack Attack!

Been hacked lately? Received an email containing a strange link? Seen people tagged as shoes on Facebook? Friends stuck in a foreign country and need money? If you don’t take precautions, your accounts could be hacked.

Everyday, people lose control of important online accounts. There are three simple ways to prevent this: better passwords, a password manager, and a security system called two part authentication.

Better Passwords: The first step is to make your passwords harder to crack. Don’t make your password a simple word or phrase; the longer the password, the better; include numbers, capital letters, and punctuation marks; don’t use the same password for everything.

One way to make a stronger password is to base it on a phrase. For example, the first few lines of Browning’s famous poem:

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach,”

This can turn into a password by using the first letters of each word (or some version of them): “HdIlt?Lm123tw.Ilt2td&hMscr,”.

This is a much better password than any single or combination of words –and I will be able to remember it!

Password Managers: Remembering passwords is difficult, but there is a good tool to help you: a password manager program. These programs store all of your passwords securely. Instead of a list of your passwords in a text file or on a scrawled piece hidden under your keyboard, these programs collect and enter passwords in your browser, and even help you to create more complex passwords. So my password can be “eKHnqjnqJCL98bUwrF” because I don’t need to remember it. When I need to use it, my password manager will fill it in for me. I only need to remember the password to that program! I only need one password!

Two popular password manager programs are LassPass and 1Password. Both offer apps for your phones so you can have your passwords in your pocket.

Two Part Authentication: Beyond making your password more secure, the other precaution you should consider is two-part authentication. Two part authentication means that your password is only one part of logging into a site like Facebook, Google, or iCloud. The second part is a code sent to your phone.

Yes, this means revealing your cell phone number. While that may make you nervous, I have not encountered any problems with it and the benefit is additional online security.

After signing up for two-part authentication, the first time you sign back on to your account, you will be asked for your password. After you put it in, a code will be sent to your phone. After you enter the code, you will have access to your account. You don’t need to do this every time you log on. You can indicate that you want to authorize a computer and the system will remember it. However, when you are logging on using a friend’s machine or any other “foreign” computer, you do not click that box, and even if someone gets your password, your account is still safe.

In order to log into your account, a hacker needs your password and the code sent to your phone. A person might hack your password, but will not have your phone. If a hacker is trying to get into your account, you will get a text message with a code. Didn’t request one? You know what is going on: change that password, and stay ahead of the hacker!

Here are links that show you how to set up two-part authentication for Facebook, Google, and iCloud.

Better passwords and two-part authentication will make your accounts less vulnerable to hackers. They are not perfect of fool proof, but why not put secure locks on your valuables? 

Staying In Touch

How do you stay in touch with people whom you don’t see regularly? Facebook is a nice way to keep lines of communication open, but, most of the time, it is lacks the personal touch. I find that, even when I am deliberate about phone calls, I don’t reach the person more often than I do. Keeping in touch is difficult.

Even in the day of electronic communication, ubiquitous cell phones, and video chats, I struggle to stay in touch with people who aren’t on my “route”  - even people I dearly love and with whom I feel very close.

Sunday dinners with my folks, holidays and celebrations, school events, and kids’ events pull in many people. If we share an activity or organization, we have a point of contact. If none of these structures are in place, how do we keep a friendship that once had them from fading?

I think the answer is: most of the time we don’t.

My family moved during the summer between fourth and fifth grade. We moved only a few miles north, but it might as well have been a thousand. I had no real means to get to my friends in my old neighborhood. I don’t remember if I telephoned much. I was certainly very lonely in my new neighborhood for a while. It was as if I had closed that door. I wasn’t there any more. My parents neither encouraged nor discouraged my connection to my “old” friends, and it was a case of “out of sight, out of mind,” even when there wasn’t much on my mind.

As a teacher, people I spend a significant amount of time with move out of my life on a regular basis. Each year, a hundred or so former students cross the stage, grab a diploma, and I never see them again. Thanks to Facebook, I get little glimpses into a few, but even these often remain only digital friends.

There are a few special students who become real friends. Not just former students or occasional visitors, but friends in the real sense of the word. They are very special rare gifts. They are one of the greatest perks of being a teacher. It is my experience that the students who fall into this category must make a significant conscious effort to remain in touch – and I must do the same with them. It is a partnership. Although sometimes, I may not see these former students for months or even years, their reappearances are regular and dependable. There are a few I have lunch with during the summer and even more who I see every year or three. There are some who make regular treks back to school and some who make a point to touch base with me on holidays or birthdays. I am so grateful for this kind of keeping in contact.

And that is the key. That is what staying in touch is all about; it is a commitment to contact; it is like marriage, a promise to maintain the bond. Sometimes the bond isn’t very strong, but it is still present. Sometimes, I don’t feel the bond until it appears.

Staying in touch, even in the digital age, is difficult. It is a statement of value: I want to keep you in my life. I want to hear your voice and see your face, not just your updates and photos.

There are lots of big and small ways to keep in touch: a postcard from a trip, a call on a birthday, an unexpected email, a carefully planned visit, a quick coffee, or a message, “just to say hi.” When these people appear, it makes my day. It reminds me of that, no matter how busy I am or how long my to-do list, the people are what make it all worth while. It may be difficult, but keeping in touch is worth the effort! Now if I could just do it! 

Friend or Unfriend

Facebook friendships are not the same as friendships in the real world. There are many ways to end a real world friendship. You can do it with a click on Facebook.

Facebook friendships don’t have any real costs. It is far easier than being a real friend. Of course, Facebook friendships can (and sometimes do) become more substantial relationships. However, it is my experience that the friends who will pick you up at the airport, cover your back, or rush to your rescue were that way without Facebook.

So if on the scale of friendship, Facebook friends are lighter weight, what does it matter if you lose a few friends or are rejected by some? If you have several hundred Facebook friends, who cares if one or two drop out or choose not to join your team?

Intellectually, that makes sense. However, if an old college classmate refuses my friendship, it makes me rethink our years together. If a friend disappears from my list, I wonder if I did something to offend. If a family member fails to approve my friendship request, I worry about our real world relationship.

If Facebook friendships are superficial, how light do they have to be before they are meaningless? While many people will not accept a friendship request from a stranger, many accept the request as long as there is some modicum of connection. My policy is I accept any request from anyone I know, even distantly, in the real world. See my post on bring a friend. However, if the connection is thin, I may start the person on limited profile so I can find out how my acquaintance behaves on Facebook. It costs me nothing to be accept the friendship, especially when my acceptance can be qualified. So why do I perseverate when sending a friendship request?

Because rejection hurts just like it did in the junior high lunchroom. Why did that person unfriend me but is still friends with our common friends? What did I do to offend that person? Why is that person friends with me in the real world but not on Facebook? What’s wrong with me?

I use a browser extension that monitors my Facebook friendship list. When I am unfriended or my friendship request is denied or, more passive aggressively, merely ignored, I feel like I did when I was the last one chosen for the team or told I couldn’t sit at a lunch table.

Is it better not to know? Should I turn off my browser extension and shut my eyes? I might feel better (until that person shows up on my feed). Is it possible that those who have unfriended me or refused to be my friends think that I don’t know?

I have come to the conclusion that our approach to Facebook friendship is a mini-mirror of our approach to relationships in general. I love hearing from my former students and, when one of them thinks I have done wrong, I want to make amends. I like seeing pictures of my family and, when one of them is angry with me, I want to work it out. I have never found that burying my head did anything but give me a mouth full of sand.

So I have landed on the policy that I do not unfriend. I may limit access or remove postings from my newsfeed. Likewise, if there is even a modicum of real world connection, I accept the friendship request. While it take only a click to be mean, I can certainly afford to be nice.

Update: Eric Zorn has a recent column on this subject. He suggests that people’s behavior would change if they knew that their former friends were aware of the unfriending. He also notes that he would care about these unfriendings.

Be The Friend

Remember those childhood friendship insecurities: With whom do you sit at lunch, who says “hi” to you in the hall, who can you call and who can call you? There were people who couldn’t be friends at school but were fine being friends one on one. Navigating the friendship maze was often harrowing and disheartening. Sometimes, it seems like we have brought those friendship complexities to Facebook.

Of course, I am only friends with people I actually know on Facebook. The issue is not becoming Facebook friends with strangers. The issue is accepting or, more importantly, reaching out to people, often with whom I have a history.

What do you do when the person who hurt you in middle school sends you a friendship request on Facebook? What about people who never really talked to you? What about the acquaintances? Or those with whom you had a falling out?

As I look at the items on my newsfeed and see my friends’ new “friends,” I often ask myself, “Would it be okay for me to befriend that person?” Is requesting Facebook friendship more than saying “hi” in the hall? It certainly could be like sitting down at someone’s lunch table. If I didn’t have those privileges then, should I request them now?

Yes. Yes, I should. More than that, when I ask myself, “Is it okay to send a friendship request to this person?” I have come to the conclusion that I should always err on the side of doing so.

How do you feel when you get the notice that someone “wants to be your friend?” While sometimes there is surprise and sometimes there is that sinking “found” feeling, I’ll bet that most of the time it feels pretty good. It is like being included in the game at recess. Why not share that feeling?

What is the cost of befriending these people? If they are people I knew and are part of my past, what harm could come to me if I add them to my friend list? If they are Facebook over-posters, I can hide them from my wall without any repercussions. If I am crossing some line, then they do not have to accept my friendship invitation.

We also have to put the past in its place. Are you the same person you were when you were going to school? Would you like people to judge you today for your behavior ten, twenty or thirty years ago? When I think back to my childhood (or even my twenties), I am both proud and embarrassed. As a high school teacher, I have daily reminders of how our school years help us to figure out who we want to become. I made mistakes, lacked skills, and stepped on toes. I have forgiven myself for my past inadequacies and errors; I think I can do the same for other people.

Friendships can be renewed through Facebook. While I agree that Facebook may serve as a poor substitute for real substantive contact, it can just as easily be a way to reconnect and foster adult friendships. Facebook friendships have been the catalyst for reunions, travel visits and nostalgic phone calls, all of which are very positive.

I am not endorsing becoming friends with every person you have ever known. However, when you see that name on your newsfeed or in a friend list and you ask yourself, “Would it be okay for me to befriend that person?” ask yourself how you would feel if that person befriended you? If it would make you feel good, even just a little, do it. Be the friend.

A Teacher’s Facebook Dilemma

If you are reading this, you probably know that I am on Facebook too much. Facebook has been a great vehicle for reconnecting with my schoolmates from my first twenty-two years. Finding people from elementary, middle and high school as well as college, camp and other parts of my past has made me a Facebook enthusiast (some would say addict).

Like most people, I have made friends since college. Some of them are on Facebook. Unlike most people however, for the past twenty-three, I have been teaching high school. Just as much as I enjoy finding my former classmates, it has been delightful to reconnect with former students. Many of them are on Facebook. See my problem?

Of course, I am not going to be Facebook friends with my current students or other students attending the school at which I teach. That could put us all in uncomfortable and (here comes the teen buzz word) awkward positions. Does this issue vanish when these students graduate from high school or college? Several of my former students are now my friends – I mean real life, talk-on-the-phone, go-out-to-lunch and hang out friends. My eldest former students will turn forty this year. Surely I can be Facebook friends with them.

Here is the heart of my dilemma: if is okay for me to be real life and Facebook friends with former students (or at least the older ones), is it okay for me, the teacher, to initiate that friendship? Please note that I did not use the noun “friend” as a verb. I know it is a Facebook convention, I just refuse to do it.

I am Facebook friends with several of my former teachers and professors. When one of my former teachers befriended me, it felt very good. I never felt confident about our relationship and the Facebook friendship invitation felt like getting a good grade and a pat on the back. I would never have initiated a friendship with this teacher. If I befriend former students, would that be their response? Could there be some former students who would like to befriend me but aren’t sure if it is okay to do so?

Maybe not. Two of my former students have indicated that they didn’t want to be Facebook friends with me. One was very direct and said that it would be “inappropriate.” If there are things on former students’ Facebook pages that they do not want me to see, then I do not want to see them! I appreciate being protected in this way. The other student communicated with me via Facebook but never initiated a friend request nor did she approve mine. The first student is still in college but the second one is out of college by several years. Please note that I had very strong positive relationships with both of these people and, I think, I still do.

Do I wait for former students to invite me into a friendship? Do I take the chance and make that first move and just shrug off those who do not feel comfortable with their old teacher seeing those embarrassing pictures or reading their status statements? Do I only befriend the older students and wait for the college kids to clean up their pages when they are getting ready for job interviews? I don’t know. I just know that, when I see their names on Facebook, I wax nostalgic and I wonder, “What are they doing now? How are they?” And then I realize, “I miss them.” That is the primary reason I am enjoying Facebook so much.