Friend or Unfriend

Facebook friendships are not the same as friendships in the real world. There are many ways to end a real world friendship. You can do it with a click on Facebook.

Facebook friendships don’t have any real costs. It is far easier than being a real friend. Of course, Facebook friendships can (and sometimes do) become more substantial relationships. However, it is my experience that the friends who will pick you up at the airport, cover your back, or rush to your rescue were that way without Facebook.

So if on the scale of friendship, Facebook friends are lighter weight, what does it matter if you lose a few friends or are rejected by some? If you have several hundred Facebook friends, who cares if one or two drop out or choose not to join your team?

Intellectually, that makes sense. However, if an old college classmate refuses my friendship, it makes me rethink our years together. If a friend disappears from my list, I wonder if I did something to offend. If a family member fails to approve my friendship request, I worry about our real world relationship.

If Facebook friendships are superficial, how light do they have to be before they are meaningless? While many people will not accept a friendship request from a stranger, many accept the request as long as there is some modicum of connection. My policy is I accept any request from anyone I know, even distantly, in the real world. See my post on bring a friend. However, if the connection is thin, I may start the person on limited profile so I can find out how my acquaintance behaves on Facebook. It costs me nothing to be accept the friendship, especially when my acceptance can be qualified. So why do I perseverate when sending a friendship request?

Because rejection hurts just like it did in the junior high lunchroom. Why did that person unfriend me but is still friends with our common friends? What did I do to offend that person? Why is that person friends with me in the real world but not on Facebook? What’s wrong with me?

I use a browser extension that monitors my Facebook friendship list. When I am unfriended or my friendship request is denied or, more passive aggressively, merely ignored, I feel like I did when I was the last one chosen for the team or told I couldn’t sit at a lunch table.

Is it better not to know? Should I turn off my browser extension and shut my eyes? I might feel better (until that person shows up on my feed). Is it possible that those who have unfriended me or refused to be my friends think that I don’t know?

I have come to the conclusion that our approach to Facebook friendship is a mini-mirror of our approach to relationships in general. I love hearing from my former students and, when one of them thinks I have done wrong, I want to make amends. I like seeing pictures of my family and, when one of them is angry with me, I want to work it out. I have never found that burying my head did anything but give me a mouth full of sand.

So I have landed on the policy that I do not unfriend. I may limit access or remove postings from my newsfeed. Likewise, if there is even a modicum of real world connection, I accept the friendship request. While it take only a click to be mean, I can certainly afford to be nice.

Update: Eric Zorn has a recent column on this subject. He suggests that people’s behavior would change if they knew that their former friends were aware of the unfriending. He also notes that he would care about these unfriendings.