Be The Friend

Remember those childhood friendship insecurities: With whom do you sit at lunch, who says “hi” to you in the hall, who can you call and who can call you? There were people who couldn’t be friends at school but were fine being friends one on one. Navigating the friendship maze was often harrowing and disheartening. Sometimes, it seems like we have brought those friendship complexities to Facebook.

Of course, I am only friends with people I actually know on Facebook. The issue is not becoming Facebook friends with strangers. The issue is accepting or, more importantly, reaching out to people, often with whom I have a history.

What do you do when the person who hurt you in middle school sends you a friendship request on Facebook? What about people who never really talked to you? What about the acquaintances? Or those with whom you had a falling out?

As I look at the items on my newsfeed and see my friends’ new “friends,” I often ask myself, “Would it be okay for me to befriend that person?” Is requesting Facebook friendship more than saying “hi” in the hall? It certainly could be like sitting down at someone’s lunch table. If I didn’t have those privileges then, should I request them now?

Yes. Yes, I should. More than that, when I ask myself, “Is it okay to send a friendship request to this person?” I have come to the conclusion that I should always err on the side of doing so.

How do you feel when you get the notice that someone “wants to be your friend?” While sometimes there is surprise and sometimes there is that sinking “found” feeling, I’ll bet that most of the time it feels pretty good. It is like being included in the game at recess. Why not share that feeling?

What is the cost of befriending these people? If they are people I knew and are part of my past, what harm could come to me if I add them to my friend list? If they are Facebook over-posters, I can hide them from my wall without any repercussions. If I am crossing some line, then they do not have to accept my friendship invitation.

We also have to put the past in its place. Are you the same person you were when you were going to school? Would you like people to judge you today for your behavior ten, twenty or thirty years ago? When I think back to my childhood (or even my twenties), I am both proud and embarrassed. As a high school teacher, I have daily reminders of how our school years help us to figure out who we want to become. I made mistakes, lacked skills, and stepped on toes. I have forgiven myself for my past inadequacies and errors; I think I can do the same for other people.

Friendships can be renewed through Facebook. While I agree that Facebook may serve as a poor substitute for real substantive contact, it can just as easily be a way to reconnect and foster adult friendships. Facebook friendships have been the catalyst for reunions, travel visits and nostalgic phone calls, all of which are very positive.

I am not endorsing becoming friends with every person you have ever known. However, when you see that name on your newsfeed or in a friend list and you ask yourself, “Would it be okay for me to befriend that person?” ask yourself how you would feel if that person befriended you? If it would make you feel good, even just a little, do it. Be the friend.