No More Dopey Disappearing Dads!

Like Rodney Dangerfield, dads do not get enough respect. A father who is active and involved in his children’s lives is emasculated with the title, “Mr. Mom” which implies that what he is doing is really feminine. With some notable exceptions, Dads on television and in other forms of popular media are portrayed as bumbling fools who put the baby’s diaper on the dog. Why is positive fathering so maligned? What is it about a man who is as present in his kids’ lives as their mother that is so threatening that we turn him into a clown?

There may be several answers. The easy and pat one is that we don’t have good role models for this kind of fathering. Most of us had fathers who spent most of their lives working and were only home in the evenings, sometimes arriving after the rest of the household had finished dinner and often when the children were already asleep. Some of these families had stay-at-home moms. And even in the households with working mothers, the wife was still in charge of all the traditional parenting responsibilities. So we men haven’t seen this kind of fathering in action.

Baloney! Involved fathers have been around as long as there have been fathers. Not all fathers who were the primary breadwinners were distant and invisible. As our mothers took advantage of their new found freedom to leave the home, many households were forced to rebalance parenting functions. I would concede that the highly active father in the past stayed underground. He may have seen himself in a negative light. Why is that? Same question.

What about the “men make more money” argument? While it is true that, statistically, men earn higher wages than women, I know many families where the wife earns as much or more money than the husband. If the reason were entirely economic, we’d see families with high earning moms with stay at home dads. Why are stay at home dads so extremely rare? Again, same question.

One real reason that active Dads are undervalued is that many households are still stuck in the 1950s (or it could be 1850s) gender role rut. I still can’t figure out why, when a family goes out in Mom’s vehicle (sometimes a mini-van) that Dad has to drive. Does Mom drive when they go out in Dad’s car? Why do so many professional women take time out to raise their families when their husbands would not think once about doing so? Even in homes where both partners work, it is often mom who is solely in charge of the child related responsibilities. Why?

Because, let’s face it, men just aren’t good at those tasks. Women are more naturally maternal and they can better schedule the babysitter, drive the carpools, call the doctor and attend the school nights. Wait a minute! What is maternal (or paternal) about any of those things? None of those tasks is at all based in anything biological or even sociological. Men can schedule, drive, and go to meetings just as well (or badly) as women.

One real reason is that moms have kept dads off their turf. For a long list of reasons, many men get the clear message that they shouldn’t tread on their wives parenting territory. No one is good at changing the first dozen diapers. No one is born knowing how to confront parenting challenges. We learn by doing and if we don’t do, we don’t develop parenting skills. Men get this message from their wives, mothers, and the popular media. However, they get this message from each other as well and that is really sad.

Every couple has its divisions of labor. Sometimes these are divided by aptitude. One is just better at certain tasks. Sometimes these are divided by desire. One likes or dislikes certain chores. However, sometimes there are those plum or poison tasks that both partners want or want to avoid. Parenting is both of these and frequently mom takes them all.

Shouldn’t the main goal be what is good for the children? Is it good for the kids to have both parents active and present? Is it good for the kids to have positive nurturing female and male figures? Wouldn’t kids benefit from role models of both genders?

Men need to take responsibility and insist on being as active in their children’s lives as any other adult (including mom). Women need to welcome men as their equal partners in parenting. When they do, the big winners will be families!