Feeding Two Birds From One Feeder: How Our Language Reveals Us

Have you ever scrutinized someone’s words? Did you ever pour over a text message or email wondering if the message was intended sarcastically? Were you ever bothered by the way someone said something or their particular word choices? 

Our language matters. The words we choose and the way we communicate them reveal a great deal about our thoughts, feelings, and intentions. How we speak, the way we organize our thoughts, and the tone that accompanies them are as much a part of our message as the semantic meanings of the words themselves. 

One of the most famous examples of this is the quotation from the late President Regan: “Mistakes were made.” The statement neither takes responsibility for these mistakes nor tells us who made them. The statement is in the passive voice; the action is not with the speaker. It is a perfect statement for a politician. The president doesn’t say, “I made mistakes.” The president doesn’t make any judgment about the mistakes. They were just made – by someone, somehow. 

Many years ago, my school was looking for a new administrator, and focus groups were created so different groups could talk about what they wanted in that job. The person in charge of my group said to us, “I want teachers to feel like they are part of the process.” I looked at him and said, “I want to be part of the process.” There is a difference. The person running the meeting looked at me and said, “You know what I mean.” There is a big difference between “feeling like part of the process” and actually having an effect! 

When talking to parents of students, language tells me a great deal. Parents who use “we” when discussing their children’s activities are sending a clear message. We are applying to college. We studied for a test. We are going to practice. The truth is that the parent is not doing any of those things: the child is. 

The tone of parent emails is another place where parents reveal, intentionally or unintentionally, their relationships with their children and their children’s teachers. A parent whom I have never met or with whom I have no personal relationship should never address me by my first name. I have lost time track of the number of times I have received parent emails that read as if they are ordering products from a store or food from McDonald’s. The tone is one of a customer ordering a salesperson to deliver a product. Do parents sending nasty emails realize how insulting and hurtful they are? When speaking with them on the phone after receiving these emails, I realize that their tone has clearly communicated who they are and what is going on in their home. 

Perhaps the most striking and disturbing example of this is the way some media outlets described the people that Jeffrey Epstein was accused of harming. Was he trafficking in underage women or raping girls? “Underage women” is a euphemism for something far more disturbing – why don’t they write that? 

Similarly, the Civil War was not just a war between the states. Although we say the two sides were the Confederacy and the Union, the Union was the United States Army! People were not killed in the Holocaust, they were murdered. There is a big difference. 

Our language reveals and shapes the way we see the world and ourselves. It communicates far more than just the denotative meanings of the words. The whole is far more powerful than the sum of the syllables. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can shape our thinking. We must carefully consider which words we choose, how we weave them together, and the tone we use when communicating – not to trick or evade or cover – but to honestly, effectively, and clearly communicate.