I Will Not Be THAT Parent!

The recent college admission scandal has increased our awareness of snowplow, lawnmower, and attack helicopter parents. Parents across the nation, especially White affluent parents, are shaking their heads in disbelief and saying, “I am not THAT parent. At least I didn’t do THAT!”

In my more than thirty years in education, I have seen many parents eschew one sin only to turn around and commit another which is just as egregious.

So when someone says they never want to be THAT parent. I am not sure what they mean. Here is what I mean: I will never be the:

Puppet parent who pulls the strings and robs their children of agency. Instead, I teach my children to share control and be responsible members of our family and the community.

Ass wiper parent who does absolutely everything for their children. Instead, I will foster independence and autonomy in my children and help give them tools to solve their problems on their own.

Controlling parent who keeps their children dependent. Instead, I will teach my children how to make choices and decisions and to accept their (and my own) limits of control

Wimpy parent who just can’t say, “no.” Instead, I will play the role of adult and teach my children that actions have consequences even when they are unpleasant and that my child’s power is real and shared.

Alarmist parent who worries about everything! Instead, I will help my children take risks and push their boundaries and realize that my limits are not theirs.

Unpredictable parent who cannot be trusted or relied upon. Instead, I will provide my child with stability and consistency. My word and promise will have meaning. I will be dependable and teach my children that they can rely on me.

Needy parent who leans on their children. Instead, I will have a life beyond my role as a parent and model for my children how adults are multifaceted.

Buddy parent who behaves just like another kid. Instead, I will develop healthy relationships based on our roles as parent and child. We can have fun and enjoy each other without my child becoming my peer. I am healthy enough to have friends of my own. I will encourage and model for my child how to form strong relationships.

Indulgent parent who provides everything. Instead, I will demonstrate to my child that joy does not come from things, but from relationships and actions. I will not substitute bribes for my time and affection.

Pollyanna parent who believes everything will all work out for the best on its own. Instead, my children and I will partner to figure out problems and use reason and research to assess and act on issues and challenges.

Proxy parent who turns the parenting over to others. Instead, I will take responsibility and not farm out my parenting responsibilities to tutors, sitters, and consultants. I will need experts, but they will help and advise my family not act in my place.

Critic parent who drills their children like drafted soldiers. Instead, I will coach gently and celebrate my child’s interests and talents.

Privileged parent who disregards rules and behaves as if he and his children have no limits and are entitled to whatever they want. Instead, I will teach my children to respect others and the systems that make our society work. I will help my children find their humility and generosity and recognize that others’ needs are as (or more) important as their own.

I will check myself when I catch myself with these parental tendencies. I will not ignore my mistakes and my tendency to drift into poor parenting. Instead, I will be a reflective parent who questions his decisions and talks openly about parenting with his wife, children, and other parents – and sometimes reverses course, changes direction, and tries another parenting approach.

None of us is born knowing how to parent. None of us can do it on our own. All parents need a support network. Every child deserves thoughtful adults who ask, why am I doing this? What lessons am I teaching my children?

So we can take far more from this college scandal than the satisfaction of saying, “At least I didn’t do THAT! At least I am not THAT parent!”