I always carried a pen in my pocket. Since I was a high school English teacher, I was constantly writing. I continued this habit into retirement, but like the watch, I didn’t wear it when I no longer left the house.
Since my second vaccine shot, I have adopted both habits again. Part of the reason is practical: I am going out more. I would prefer my own pen when I sign something. My Sunday school class moved from Zoom to meeting distantly in a park and checking my watch was far better than looking at my phone.
But it is more than that. After fifteen months, I got a haircut. I went into a grocery store for the first time. I am starting to do things I did before COVID, albeit with much more trepidation and anxiety.
Recently, when traveling to a nearby city to move my son, my family and I ate inside a restaurant. I felt anxious despite the fact that our table was far from all but one other table and there was a Plexiglas barrier separating us. I felt like I was doing something dangerous.
Later, standing in line in a grocery store, I stood behind two older women whose masks were well below their noses. People were not distant, but our carts were almost six feet, right? I let them move ahead and tried to leave lots of space between us, which is difficult to do in a busy supermarket.
On the drive home, after I filled up the car, I went into the gas station minimart and used the bathroom. I wore my KN95 mask as I rushed in and, as I was hurrying through my business, I thought, “I am not in danger here.” I slowed down.
The mindset that going out could endanger my health and the wellbeing of those I love is overpowering. My worry about the welfare of my family whom I don’t see daily has been one of the greatest stressors of the pandemic. After my parents received their vaccination, my anxiety decreased significantly, especially when we learned it was safe to be inside with them! When my children, my wife, and I were vaccinated, I was surprised that my worries didn’t decrease as much as I thought they would.
I want to let go of the heavy worries now that my entire family is vaccinated, but the habit has become well ingrained. I am concerned that we, as a country, are not yet ready to drop the precautions. I foresee more issues ahead. Is it too soon to let my guard down? Is that my anxiety speaking or am I just being prudent? Are we in danger here?
I am not sure. The pandemic is not over simply because I have more freedom of movement. There are significant challenges here and abroad that could bring us right back to lockdown.
But I am wearing a watch and pen again. Now, the CDC says I do not need to wear a mask much of the time and I am struggling with that. When I go into a building, I still wear a mask and I try to be quick. I am leery and timid at the same time I am excited and relieved.
What will it take for the pandemic to feel over? What needs to happen so that I feel confident enough to take off the mask and linger in front of the card section at the store? After more than a year of sheltering, when will I feel like I no longer need to take special precautions?
Not yet.
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