Take This To College!

I had a magnificent undergraduate college experience and I wish nothing less for my former students, friends and children. But it doesn’t happen automatically. As my elder child and so many of my former students and friends go off to college, I want one more chance to play teacher and provide my college friends with good tools that will make their university experience more productive, safe, and fun.

Health: I know that sleep isn’t the top priority for college kids, but it is the best medicine. Here is an article from the Chicago Tribune on how to keep healthy in college.

Remember that health includes mental as well as physical health. Having someone to talk to is great medicine! Of course, staying fit is part of that. It is all too easy to just eat, sleep, party, and study at college. Get involved in an intramural sport, go to the workout center, or do something that makes you sweat a little. You don’t want those extra pounds!

Finding Answers: There are two blogs that I recommend to all college students: Lifehacker.com and Hackcollege.com. Reading these two sites will save you time, money, and aggravation. Here is a sampling of some recent posting that might interest you:

From Hack College:

Living with a roommate

Money dos and don’ts

Advice on studying abroad

Tips for incoming freshmen

From Lifehacker:

Free software for students

What multitasking does to your brain

How much sleep do you really need?

Better writing through outlining

If you don’t use RSS feeds to follow websites like these, now is a good time to start. Go to Google and sign up for Reader (it is under the “more” tab at the top of the page) and then hit the little “RSS” button and select “Add to Google.” Here is a great video explaining how reader works and how to use it.

Digital Security:  I would like to urge my college friends to be digitally safe. Recently, a Wired magazine staff member had his digital life completely stolen: his Facebook and Goggle accounts were hacked and his iPhone and computer were wiped!  Here is an article on how to avoid his fate. You must turn on two-factor authentication in Facebook and Google. Look at the article I just mentioned if you don’t know what I am talking about – Lifehacker has a good one on this issue, too!

Back up your data! There are easy and automatic ways to back up your computer. Do you want to risk losing all your music, pictures, or work?. There are simple and inexpensive (even free) ways to ensure that, even if you lose your computer, you don’t lose what’s on it. Finally, install some form of antivirus program. Again, there are plenty of free options!  

Relationships: It is all about the people! Get to know your classmates. Look around the dorm: whom do you want in your life in five or ten years. Actively make sure that happens. Introduce yourself to your professors and teachers. Be much more than the kid in the third row! Who will you ask for a recommendation for grad school, a job, or a grant? Do you have go-to staff members? Cultivate those people. Send them a little gift at holiday time. Make sure they know you well enough to greet you by name on the quad! Stay in touch after the class has ended.

Parents: Sometimes, dealing with your parents at home can be challenging. We will have to learn to adjust to your new college life, too. Here is an article you can pass on to your parents that puts things in perspective for them – and it even (nicely) tells them to back off  and let you run the show.

Of course there are many more things I could include, but like the boxes and suitcases that go to college, I don’t want to over pack. Good luck, good skill, and make great choices! I will miss you and I am thinking of you. 

Denying the Drop Off

It happened for the first time a few days ago when I was dropping my daughter off at the train station. As she stepped out of the car to go downtown for her internship, my eyes welled up. All of a sudden, I was fighting back tears.

People have been asking me how will I deal with my daughter’s departure for college. I have been answering honestly: I am in denial. I haven’t been thinking about it. She isn’t leaving now, so I don’t have to face it.

But I do.

This may be the most dramatic transition in our family life to date. Bringing home babies was certainly a big deal. The start of school and the cessation of diapers were landmarks. From my present perspective, they all pale to launching.

After I left for college, I only lived at home for a few weeks once in a while. My parents’ house ceased to be my primary residence, although it was still “home.” I remember my mother’s face when I casually said to her that, “this is probably the last time I’ll spend this much time at home.”

It is my face right now. Intellectually, I understand that my child will only be home during short bursts. We have done that. She has gone away to camp and spent summers overseas and at educational programs. We have more technological tools to communicate than ever before. We’ll talk. We’ll video chat (maybe). We’ll sent text messages and emails. But she still won’t be home. And I am only now starting to fathom the reality of that.

My children and I have a bedtime rituals. I am the last one to get into bed most nights. As my daughter and I said goodnight a few days ago, she asked if she could program a repeating text message. After I danced around the mechanics, I asked her what she wanted to accomplish. She wanted to text me the final part of our evening routine. She wanted to make sure that certain things didn’t change when she went to college.

Yet change is the constant here. My daughter swings between pushing her parents away and wanting to cling closely. When we attended a reception for Chicago area students going to her university, she made it clear that she did not want us shadowing her. In the car ride downtown, she clearly asked for space. Yet, when we got there and I moved across the room, I turned around to see her brush up to her mother and take her hand. It was lovely.

And that may be the metaphor for our transition into this new stage of family life. We will be close and far. We will hold hands across the country. We will adapt our routines.

The family theorist Virginia Satir used the metaphor of the mobile that hangs above an infant’s crib to describe family dynamics. Each member of the family is one of the objects hanging from the mobile. If any of them move or change, it affects the whole system. The family is interdependent in so many ways. My daughter’s departure creates a whole new mobile and a whole new set of relationships.

That is also true for her younger brother at home starting high school. He will be an only child at home for much of his high school career. What does that mean? I have no idea.

Shortly, my wife and I will board a plane and bring our daughter to college. I have no doubt that, after we have schlepped all the baggage up the stairs and waited in long lines, and dusted, cleaned, and unpacked, she will look at us, smile, and let us know it is time for us to leave. And it will be. I’m just not ready.