How to Get Your Children Into the Right Colleges

It is never too early to start the college process. As we all know, the college your children attend will directly create their future success in every way. The right school is important economically, socially, academically, and this is true for the child as well. In fact, if you haven’t started thinking about how to ensure that your children get into a really good school, a school that will be the envy of your friends and the members of your social group, a school that you will be proud to put on your bumper and sweatshirt, you are basically screwed. Too bad, your child is going to some cut-rate Acme college with all the other schlubs.

But that is NOT you! You are in control and on top of this critical and crucial process and all you need is a roadmap.

We know the things you have already done: you moved to a community with really good schools. You started to drill your children even in utero. You went through numbers, letters, taught your children multiple languages and begin computer programing with baby blocks. You spoke to your children in Sanskrit, Latin, and Esperanto.

You enrolled your child in sports as soon as they could walk. Of course, you chose individual sports because one can’t really count on those other parents to support your children. In their free time, your children should take humanitarian trips to exotic locations, start businesses, run political campaigns, and make guest appearances on national talk shows.

A unique musical instrument is a must! Everyone has caught on about the oboe and bassoon. Your children have mastered the theremin and didgeridoo!

You read the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to your children daily. They are political experts ready to lead their debate teams, congressional clubs, and PACs.

Side note here: if your children resist all these activities, don’t like the drills and skills, you have a loser. Sorry. Be strong and make them what they need to be. Don’t take no for answer. Children can be made in their parents’ image – or even better. Even if your children remind you of yourself at their age, there is still hope.

It is never too early to start to work on the ACT, SAT, and SOB. A test a day keeps bad colleges away, I always say. The more familiar the children are with the tests, the closer you are to that perfect score. Have them start taking the test in the second grade. This will qualify them for gifted opportunities galore!

The gifted track in school is key! Do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a gifted label. Sometimes this may mean visits to doctors and other professionals for evidence. Check with your neighbors for the professionals near you who dispense the diagnoses you desire. If the gifted track is not working, then your child needs special accommodations. It is one or the other, of course! Those expensive tests will come in handy again because extended time is great on college entrance exams!

Homework is a family affair. Work with your children to make sure they understand how you do their homework. Simply doing their homework does not ensure good school performance. They must carefully observe and be able to explain what you have done for them.

Summer is not a break! Computer, writing, architecture, science, and countless other academic camps and gifted summer programs are a must! Make sure they are at a college that everyone will recognize. This begins the relationship. They will have gone to the right school even before they finish the eighth grade!

You will need professional help. A college consultant should be engaged no later than sixth grade. Pick someone who brags that they can get their clients admitted to any school! This expert will give you a break by taking over all the uninteresting form filling and writing and hoops that you must jump through. You don’t have time for all that and your children would just do it wrong or not at all. Pay this specialist to do it for you! They fill out the applications, write the essays, and hound the children. You can continue your wonderful parenting!

If your kids say they want a say in the process, remind them that this far too important for children. They just don’t understand. Someday, they will!

Sign up for every honors class your school offers. Make sure your kids are taking AP, IB, or FU as soon as possible. Send the teachers of these classes generous gifts, and train in your student in teacher handling techniques such as complimentary strategies, kissing up, and “I want to be just like you” tactics. Remind them to tell each teacher that “you changed my life” at least once a semester.

Since your hired gun is doing the heavy lifting, you can sit back and enjoy the constant college conversations. Remember, when you tell people where your children attend, the response should always be awe and envy. Fourteen to twenty-five applications are the absolute minimum. Don’t worry about costs! The worth of a good school is priceless! Admittance is its own reward.

By the end of these eighteen years, your children will have become academic, athletic, and artistic superstars who will achieve and earn more than your peers could imagine. Eventually, they will thank you for all your hard work. Once you are done, you can start a business helping younger parents navigate this perilous journey.

Don’t you wish your parents had done this?

Opening Lines

School started at the end of August. At this point, my classes and I have moved beyond the honeymoon phase and we are genuinely getting to know one another. This means that my new students are not so new anymore and they are learning my lines. While I don’t have any students three times this year, I have a handful of seniors twice. Several have already noted that they heard a saying or joke in theatre only to have it repeated in English. I told them that I wasn’t going to charge them extra for that!

The first few weeks of school were plagued by special schedules. We had shortened periods for an extended homeroom, then open house night and later, pep rally. The late arrival day that is usually our Monday schedule first showed up on a Friday! As a consequence, my sense of what would fit in a period was all messed up. In one class, the bell cut off an activity and the kids were wonderfully patient as I quickly tried to tie a bow on it. Although it was only the second week of school, they said as they were leaving, “You forgot to say, ‘Thank you for flying Science Fiction!” They may have been right!

I believe my “thank you for flying” line originated in my Humanities class more than ten years ago. It was a substitute for “class dismissed.” It is disrespectful to stand up and leave in the middle of a discussion, meaningful activity, or a  sentence!  No one will be late in class if we leave the classroom twenty seconds after the bell! “You are dismissed” is not the way I want to end class. I don’t want the class to be abruptly cut off, and I want it to end on a good note. Most of the time, we end with a review of what we’ve done, a preview of what is coming up, and a clarification of the homework. I like “thank you for flying” for because it expresses my gratitude to my students, is an appropriate metaphor, and usually elicits a smile. Let’s end class with a smile.

I want my classrooms to be filled with laughter. I will tell dad jokes and I am silly to set a light and safe tone in class. So I replace “bless  you” or “gesundheit” with “no sneezing.” I smile and make it clear that I am joking. Yes, there is danger in such sarcasm, but I smile and joke after saying this. Perhaps it is a very small lesson in irony.

My students are now very familiar with the opening lines of the song, “Misty.” I don’t sing much of it. I don’t really like the song, but “look at me” is a great way to bring the group together. After we have talked in our pairs, written our journal entries, or finished the small group task, this line is a nice way to get us all looking and listening in one direction. My old Hebrew teacher used to say that he couldn’t hear us unless he had his glasses on. It is true: if all students are looking at me, they are most likely listening, too.

At some point, I was told that a Freudian slip on purpose is called a Floydian slip. I have used several of these throughout the years. “Okay, my vict – students…” is perhaps my oldest. It acknowledges my power as the teacher and lets me make fun of myself a little. I have sometimes accompanied it with the statement that, despite my class, my students go on to lead somewhat normal lives. Well, that’s my line!