Thirteen Table Talk Topics For Your Holiday Dinner Instead of Politics

Many of us dread the holidays because we are forced to speak with “those” relatives. “Those” relatives or friends or people at our holiday meals are the ones with whom we have deeply rooted disagreements about key political and social ideas. We may have additional people with whom these topics are off the table because we fear that either the discussion will become unpleasant or that it will unalterably change our relationship. We agree to disagree and talk about the weather, sports, or television. We keep it trivial.

Here is an alternative.

Here are some questions that might help us explore the other person’s point of view and find some common ground – maybe. Disclaimer up front: I am not unbiased in this discussion. I have a point of view. These questions are designed to reveal the crucial foundation of that point of view. It is my hope that it is a foundation we can share. If it is not, well, we may have to ask more questions about the basis of our beliefs.

All of these questions could be followed by “how does our current government and social structure connect to our discussion?” Perhaps you don’t want to go there. Perhaps you want to limit examples to those in fiction or from television situations. Perhaps the examples are purely hypothetical and we forbid the political.

1. Which of the ten commandments do you think is the most important? Which is the least? Why? Should any be disregarded completely? Are any in need of modernizing? Do we need to add some?

2. When thinking about important religious figures, what are their key messages? What did they stand for and how did their actions show this?

3. While most people would agree that minor white lies are okay under some circumstances (do you?), when or why is it okay to lie about important things? When families (societies) are making major decisions that have a significant effect, should all of the members of the family (society) be informed or included? Should information be fully shared? When or why should we have open information or hidden information? Is it okay for someone to ask or tell you to lie? Is it okay to lie to save face or reputation?

4. What is the value of trust in a relationship? What happens when trust is violated?

5. What does it mean to be fair? What is fairness? What is justice? What does it mean to be just?

6. What is respect? How does one show respect? Why is that important? How is respect connected to manners and being polite?

7. What is integrity? Is it something we value? How do you recognize a person of integrity? How does one repair his or her integrity?

8. What do we mean when we use the term virtue? What are virtuous characteristics? What are their opposites?

9. If you were hiring someone to care for your children, grandchildren, parents, or grandparents, what traits would you want in that person? If you were hiring someone to manage your financial affairs, what would you want? How are these similar or different?

10. What makes someone a role model? Beyond family members, who would you want your children to use as role models and why? What would make you concerned if your child picked a role model with whom you disapproved?

11. What is the meaning of duty? What is the meaning of obligation? What is the difference between them? How are they different than responsibility or loyalty? What duties, obligations, and responsibilities do we have (okay – you may not want to go here)?

12. Is it ever okay to hurt someone else? If no, why not?  If yes, why? Do your answers change if we talk about physical or emotional pain? What do we mean when we say, “hurt?”

13. What is the difference between fairness and equality? Did your parents treat you (and your siblings, if you have siblings) fairly or equally? How did you know? How did it make you feel? In a family or classroom (or country), how should people be treated? Fairly? Equally? A combination? What does that look like?

Certainly there are many more issues we could add to this list of questions. What would happen if we discussed the underlying values and beliefs before asking if we agree with specific politicians or policies? Perhaps we could open up the conversation. It might still be uncomfortable and difficult. But it might move us past partisan labels and make us see each other in more complex and meaningful ways. Maybe.

What's My Line?

I have been writing about the sayings and lines I use in class – and life. I will freely admit it, I repeat myself. I am a classroom teacher and reinforcing the lesson is an important skill. These lines real purpose is to help develop a classroom atmosphere. They form a kind of script. Students like things to be predictable. They like to know what to expect, but they balk at boring. My lines are a way to strike this balance.

When someone asks me, “What do you teach?” My wife and family will roll their eyes because they know my answer will always be, “Children.” Then someone will correct me and say that is “who” you teach, what subject do you teach? The truth is, the subject is secondary. I teach the kids. I teach the kids about literature, writing, thinking, communication, logic, theatre, and many other subjects. But I don’t teach a subject. The kids are my focus.

I teach my students what I call the platinum rule. I find that the golden rule doesn’t work for all teenagers. If you ask them, “Would you like to be treated that way?” They often reply, “That wouldn’t have bothered me. I was just joking. I can take a joke. She’s a baby. He’s too sensitive. I didn’t mean it that way.” You get the idea. Instead, the platinum rule asks us to treat each other better than we would like to be treated. It acknowledges our ignorance of each other. It says that, although I have gone to school with you since we were five, I may not know everything about you, including what might hurt. It asks us to be gentle and kind. I tell my students, “that’s the kind of people we want to be. We want to be the kind kind.”

I am a huge science fiction fan, so some of my lines come from that world. I am not sure why students must ask to ask a question, but they often do: “I have a question!” they say. My answer is always the same: “Forty-two!” When they tell me that isn’t the answer, I object, telling them they must have the wrong question! We laugh. We get on to the other questions, even if the answer really is forty-two!

Students must think that their teachers, or perhaps most adults, are all knowing. They assume we are big fans of the secret reality TV show in which they star. Perhaps they wouldn’t find us credible authorities if they really knew how little we know about their worlds. I am candid with kids about this. I ask them to assume that I am stupid. I tell them that it isn’t that hard to believe. I tell them that I failed college telepathy class and I cannot read minds.  It is okay to tell me simple and direct things. It is okay to say what you need to say and speak your truth.

A line I use almost everywhere in my life is, “We’ll figure it out.” The computer doesn’t work? We’ll figure it out. We don’t know what the text means? We’ll figure it out. We’re not sure how to get there? We’ll figure it out. We can figure it out. It is what we are all about. Together, we can solve problems and learn together. No knot is so tangled that, working as a team, we cannot untie it. We are capable people – especially when we pool our resources.

Often during a discussion, I will simply ask for a show of hands (Thanks, Alex for remembering this line). No question, just a show of hands. Then, a moment later, when I ask a real question, “how many people agree with the author?” We have already raised our hands once. It is easier to do it again. Like the door-to-door salespeople who get their foot in the door by asking lots of “yes” questions, a show of hands can invite participation.

I don’t mind it at all when a student says, “You always say that” or “I knew that was what you were going to say.” The predictable shouldn’t get dull, but if it engenders a sense of belonging, participation, and levity, then it is okay to take a risk, provide an answer, and learn together!

That’s my line!