My family sent our first holiday card shortly after our elder child was born in the winter of 1994. Although I had received cards like this, I had never sent one.
I use the term holiday card, but let’s call it what it really is: a Christmas card. No matter which holiday (and there are several) we are celebrating, a majority of people in our world look at these as Christmas cards. It is not a “Christmas” card for me because I do not celebrate Christmas. And thus starts the dilemmas!
Our cards have never said, “Merry Christmas,” but is that what they mean? Should we send cards earlier in the year to acknowledge a Jewish holiday? Is it inauthentic or assimilatist to send these cards at this time?
Which leads to a second dilemma: to whom are we sending these cards? At first, we tried to remember who had sent us cards. We debated others to include: if we sent to one neighbor, did we have to send to everyone on the block even if we didn’t feel close to them?
While the obvious, “why worry about such things, be inclusive and send to everyone” is where we landed, at the time, I was making the cards by hand and we spent a great deal of time and money producing, labeling, stuffing, and stamping them. It was a very labor and money intensive production. Of course, our list was imperfect and, when we received a card, we would scramble to make sure we had reciprocated. If we hadn’t, we’d produce a new card and mail it immediately.
Thus, dilemma three: what about those folks who don’t send cards? Are holiday cards like some kind of grab bag where everyone puts one in? I did remove someone from our list when I discovered that, after many years of receiving our holiday card (and real birthday cards, too,), we did not make the cut for his holiday card. Of course, we sent cards to people with whom we did not want to lose touch. Yet, we knew that simply sending a card once a year was hardly contact.
So, like wishing people happy birthday on Facebook, we decided that we would send our cards to people to whom we wanted to send cards. We didn’t need a clear rule. When our card became a digital photo sent via email, we always erred on the side of inclusion. When I am not spending weeks with the taste of envelope glue on my tongue, I feel far more generous.
Then, at some point, some member of our household looked at a very Christian card we received and asked, “Why don’t we send a Hanukkah card?” Good question. Most of the cards we receive have a Christian tone but are not overtly religious. Many, perhaps most, say, “Merry Christmas.” A few people send cards with highly religious wording, which is probably just what they send to everyone. We guessed that a few of our friends send us an alternative card instead of sending their “regular” Christmas message. That seems very kind and personal (and unnecessary, which makes it nicer). Why would we send a card that might put some people off?
Which led to another dilemma: was the card for us or for the people to whom we were sending it? As a religious minority, should we keep sending a neutral “happy holidays” or “seasons greetings” instead of something that was more reflective of how we celebrated the season? Should we create a Christian focused card for our Christian friends, and similarly tailor cards for our friends who celebrated other holidays?
The “War on Christmas” felt strangely ironic in our house. A “Happy Holidays” acknowledged that we didn’t celebrate Christmas. When someone wished us a Merry Christmas, it meant either they didn’t really know us, or the real message was different from the specific words. Or it meant something else and that made us wonder. Certainly, most (or all) of the people who send us Christmas cards know we are not Christian. So what does that mean?
Maybe nothing. Maybe the message on the card is irrelevant. It is much more about the photo of the family and the feeling of connection. If that is the case, then the war on Christmas is lost on us. Certainly, these cards were not going to change our religious views.
So if the card wasn’t a conversation invitation or a statement of our belief, then why include any religious content at all on it? Why not send it another time? The season, of course! It is a celebratory time of year!
Sometimes, the colors of our card are blue and white. One year, working with the first and last initial of our last name, the card was built around the letter H and the background had lots of H words including Happy Holidays and Happy Hanukah (and Ho Ho Ho).
Sometimes, we have not included any statement of the season but simply wished our friends well. Other times, we include a more typical “Happy Holidays.” Sometimes the words are prominent, other times the photos are more important. One year, the card was a series of puns!
This year, for the first time, our card features the menorah used on Hanukah, the Hanukiah. The message on the card refers to light. We debated whether the card would explicitly say, “Happy Hanukah.” It does not. It also doesn’t say, “Seasons Greetings” or “Happy Holidays.” Instead, it names values that we share, and it expresses our hope for a good year.
And that, perhaps, is the resolution to all these dilemmas. As the days get shorter and colder, it is important to strengthen the bonds of friendship and community. It is good to celebrate together and in our own ways.
Sorry that my “holiday” letter was so long this year!
