Save the Endangered "Thank You"

While it is the time of year when we are inundated with things for which we should be thankful, I am very worried that root word is on its way out. Thanksgiving may be a time to be grateful, but increasingly, fewer and fewer people are taking time to say, “thanks.”

How many times have you held the door open for someone who walks past you as if that is your job (and you are overpaid for it, too)? How many times have you seen kind acts ignored, taken for granted, or added to the list of obligations?

Last year, my daughter and I were standing in a long line at the omelet station while we were on vacation. The chef was working very hard. When people arrived at the front of the line, they gave him specific orders about what they wanted in the omelet, and how they wanted it cooked. They would then dash off to the rest of the buffet and get other things to eat. We noticed that, as they returned and picked up their food, many didn’t even make eye contact with the hard working chef. My daughter and I started counting how many of them said, “Thank you.” It was fewer than a third.

Friends of ours tell a similar story. While vacationing in Florida, their waiter asked them if they were from the Midwest. They asked if he knew this because of their accents. “No,” he replied, “You say, thank you.”

Please understand that I am advocating a spoken, “thank you.” I am not asking for thank you notes, gifts, banners, or full-page ads. Simply saying, “thank you” costs nothing and takes almost no time. Why then don’t we hear (and say it) more often.

Because, like infants, many people are increasingly solipsistic. This is not merely selfishness, it is a view that the entire world is merely an extension of the self. My family is an extension of my self. The products I purchase and the stores at which I buy them reflect my personality. We are spending our lives in front of a gigantic mirror and all we can think of to say is, “Does this make me look fat?”

This probably explains why thank you’s sibling is already dead. Next time you say, “thank you,” listen closely to the response. Most likely, you will hear some version of “no problem.” This is a very different response than, “You’re welcome.”

“No problem,” says that the act for which you were thanked didn’t cause any strain or issue. It is a self-focused response. “You’re welcome,” is focused on the other person. It says that the act was deliberately intended for you. “You’re welcome,” says that I was thinking, not about myself, but about you and I wanted what was best for you. “No problem,” acknowledges that, if there were any benefits to you, I am relieved that there were no costs for me.

Costs are what “thank you,” is all about. Thanksgiving is the start of the “season of giving.” Maybe it should be renamed the season of receiving. As our cause du jour on Thanksgiving, please consider reviving the old and honorable tradition of regularly using, “thank you,” and “you’re welcome” and expressing the value of reaching beyond ourselves.

Thank you.