Children must learn to make their own decisions. It is
perhaps the most critical skill that parents teach. And it must be taught. As
any parent will tell you, if given a choice, many children will not take their
medicine, wear their seatbelts, or treat their siblings with respect. Making
good choices is a learned behavior.
We are fooled into believing that, as our children get
older, they are have mastered this skill. Sometimes we allow children to make poor
decisions because we don’t want the hassle that comes with questioning their
autonomy. Parents must choose their battles and there are many times that kids’
bad choices are trivial. We must allow kids to experience the consequences of
their choices, good and bad.
Then there are the choices that we cloak in teaching independence that are in fact self-serving cop-outs. Recently a parent proudly bragged that he had given his child the choice of whether or not to continue with Sunday religious school. The child did not want to go any more. Since giving kids a choice and letting them live with their choices was an important value for this parent, he permitted his child to end religious education.
I wondered if he would allow his child the same freedom to
drop out of high school? Or not go to the doctor for an illness? Or attend his
grandparents’ anniversary party? Or even quit a sports team?
Who is served by this decision? The child will not have to
get up early on Sunday – and neither will the parent. The battles over Sunday
school will end – and the child will have won. Kids should win some battles,
but what which ones – and why?
When parents choose capitulation on important matters,
children learn a different lesson. They see that convenience or expedience
triumphs over substance. They realize that whining, crying, and other childish
tactics are effective. They are empowered and take that power to the next
battle. They may take it into their own parenting as well.
Parents must be clear about which issues are worth the
fight. Their behavior models adult decision-making. When parents cave on
important issues, parents lose their credibility and authority. They risk
losing their children’s respect. They become less dependable and more manipulatable.
And there are too many parents who cannot stand up to their children. Clueless wonders and spineless disasters are parenting stereotypes. Whether it is from a desire to be a child’s friend, lack of time, misunderstanding, or misguided principles, every neighborhood has its share of parents who are ruled by their kids.
Raise your hand if you wish your parent had been more
forceful about sticking with that musical instrument? As a child, it was
difficult and time consuming. Children often avoid challenge. As parents, we
must teach them to engage challenge. One of the most important battles I won with my daughter was to keep her playing violin. It taught her how to succeed
at a difficult task!
Collaborating with children is a great way to slowly hand
over control. Not bargaining or negotiating but talking out the issues and
letting kids see adult thinking in action. Kids know when quick and easy has
triumphed. Kids understand what it means when their folks can’t or won’t make
the tough calls. They call them wimps – and they are!
Adults need to take the long view because children are not
capable of it. To surrender these important choices to our children is to fail
in our role as a parent. Even if, as children, we didn’t make the right choices,
we have an obligation to make sure our children do – especially when these are
not the choices they would make themselves! And even more so when these
decisions are difficult for us.
Our children are worth it. We owe it to them to have
backbone.
