Whose Backbone Is It Anyway?

Children must learn to make their own decisions. It is perhaps the most critical skill that parents teach. And it must be taught. As any parent will tell you, if given a choice, many children will not take their medicine, wear their seatbelts, or treat their siblings with respect. Making good choices is a learned behavior. 

We are fooled into believing that, as our children get older, they are have mastered this skill. Sometimes we allow children to make poor decisions because we don’t want the hassle that comes with questioning their autonomy. Parents must choose their battles and there are many times that kids’ bad choices are trivial. We must allow kids to experience the consequences of their choices, good and bad. 

Then there are the choices that we cloak in teaching independence that are in fact self-serving cop-outs. Recently a parent proudly bragged that he had given his child the choice of whether or not to continue with Sunday religious school. The child did not want to go any more. Since giving kids a choice and letting them live with their choices was an important value for this parent, he permitted his child to end religious education.

I wondered if he would allow his child the same freedom to drop out of high school? Or not go to the doctor for an illness? Or attend his grandparents’ anniversary party? Or even quit a sports team?

Who is served by this decision? The child will not have to get up early on Sunday – and neither will the parent. The battles over Sunday school will end – and the child will have won. Kids should win some battles, but what which ones – and why?

When parents choose capitulation on important matters, children learn a different lesson. They see that convenience or expedience triumphs over substance. They realize that whining, crying, and other childish tactics are effective. They are empowered and take that power to the next battle. They may take it into their own parenting as well.

Parents must be clear about which issues are worth the fight. Their behavior models adult decision-making. When parents cave on important issues, parents lose their credibility and authority. They risk losing their children’s respect. They become less dependable and more manipulatable.

And there are too many parents who cannot stand up to their children. Clueless wonders and spineless disasters are parenting stereotypes. Whether it is from a desire to be a child’s friend, lack of time, misunderstanding, or misguided principles, every neighborhood has its share of parents who are ruled by their kids.

Raise your hand if you wish your parent had been more forceful about sticking with that musical instrument? As a child, it was difficult and time consuming. Children often avoid challenge. As parents, we must teach them to engage challenge. One of the most important battles I won with my daughter was to keep her playing violin. It taught her how to succeed at a difficult task!

Collaborating with children is a great way to slowly hand over control. Not bargaining or negotiating but talking out the issues and letting kids see adult thinking in action. Kids know when quick and easy has triumphed. Kids understand what it means when their folks can’t or won’t make the tough calls. They call them wimps – and they are!

Adults need to take the long view because children are not capable of it. To surrender these important choices to our children is to fail in our role as a parent. Even if, as children, we didn’t make the right choices, we have an obligation to make sure our children do – especially when these are not the choices they would make themselves! And even more so when these decisions are difficult for us.

Our children are worth it. We owe it to them to have backbone.