The College Journey Continues: A Partially Empty Nest

The house is quiet. My daughter is at college. My son is at camp. We have quick visits with my daughter on special weekends and winter break. Since she is doing college in three years, she does not come home for the summer. We have video chats, text messages, emails, and phone calls a few times a week. Soon, she leaves for Africa. My son lives here, but increasingly has his own schedule that depends less and less on his parents. Right now he, too, is away. Even when he is home, he only one wing in the nest.

I am adjusting to how much I see, or don’t see, my children. It is the right amount, but it is not what I would choose. I am fighting the over-parenting impulse. It isn’t easy.  

My busy life is distracting, and I have my own activities. Most of the time, I do not focus on the fact that my daughter is far away. Yet, she is on my mind. Frequently. When I see the blur that is my son, I must resist the urge to reach out and stop him!

My friends whose children have left the house say that, although they too missed their children initially, they came to really enjoy their empty nest. I am not there yet. I am delighted that my younger child still has a few years before college. And maybe I can’t fully appreciate the quiet with a child still living at home. Maybe I don’t want to.  

I am becoming a long distance parent. I am learning to hug via FaceTime. I am figuring out what it means to send a pithy text message with an emoticon to convey my feelings.

I will not keep my children dependent and sheltered. I do not want them to remain “children.”  However, I do want them to remain. This is really about our changing roles. This is about accepting and embracing my new role when I have been so comfortable and happy in the old one.

And this is about letting go. Having loved ones far away is challenging. I liked our relationship when the kids were younger. It didn’t need fixing or “time off.” I am still mourning that relationship, and working on liking the new version. It is where the relationship must go next to stay healthy. I know that. I am just not there yet.

That is what I keep telling myself. This is the right move. This is good for them. This is the natural way. I know this is only partially true. Many kids go to college closer to home. Some separate regardless of physical distance. Some stay very close (sometimes too close) when they are even farther away.

And my children are capable! They can handle problems without me. They do not need their father to rush to their rescue. I am not their only resource for assistance, and they are good at coming to me (or other people) when they need help.

As I face the reality of my children making their own “nests” and living a majority of their lives apart from me, I am living a kind of adolescence. My daughter is not a full-fledged adult out of the house. My son will soon have his driver’s license and need my help even less. But I have not full launched them into the world. This is a trial period; a training time. We are all learning and figuring out how this works. I hope we’ll get the hang of it by the time the nest is really empty and our younger child departs for college.