Tears at the Airport

“Don’t cry in front of your child,” was the advice a friend gave me. And I didn’t when we dropped our daughter off for her freshman year of college about a year ago. I had more than a few tears after we left the dorm. I had a rough time on the flight back home. And then I got used to the new situation, video chats, text messages, and visits every two or three months.

But this year it is different.

My daughter just left for Africa. This time, she will be away for four months and there will be no visiting. This time, she is in a foreign country far away from the familiar. This time, she is really on her own. This excites her, and it scares me.

She is capable, smart, and strong. I am very confident that she will be able to cope with the challenges ahead of her. I know that some of them will be significant, and some will be “growing experiences.” My fear is not rational. It is not about her; it is about me.

My daughter’s semester abroad is so much more than an extended vacation. A majority of the students we know study aboard in more conventional locations. Had she chosen to study in Europe, the weight of the distance would probably have been less. Maybe. Since she is traveling to a part of the world that is very different and very distant, it means that she is more on her own than she has ever been before. And I am less in contact and control.

Yes, I think that is what this is about. This is about the ever-present parachute, even when she is two hours away by plane. I could come to her rescue if she needed me. I could sweep in and play powerful parent. I haven’t done that. She hasn’t needed it. But I could. It is possible. Not this semester.

We want to protect our children. We want to shield them from emotional or physical harm. We don’t want to keep them in a bubble, but we don’t want scars or scares. I don’t know that this impulse ever goes away. I can’t imagine ever losing it. Yet, I must suppress it.

I cried at the airport when we dropped her off. We all cried at home before we left. I cried on the way home, too. And every so often an irrational fear hits me, and I have to fight that feeling.

There are many parenting turning points. Many seem to be related to increasing the distance between parents and children. They are about putting our children in the very positions we worked so hard to keep them from; placing them in harm’s way, stepping back, swallowing our anxiety, and letting them protect themselves.

And we want that. Right?

Yes, I want that. She is more than ready for it. She can do it, and I am going to have to step back, shut up, and let her go. Besides, she is in Africa.

Yet, I am not ready to let go, and that’s tough luck, because she is on her way. And I am crying.