Driving Away

My younger child is learning how to drive. He has taken traffic safety classes, behind the wheel lessons, and is driving our family vehicles – under supervision, of course. We dread it and look forward to it at the same time.

I have very clear memories of my experience learning to drive. I didn’t take private traffic safety class. I started the second semester of sophomore year. It was January. When we got to school in the morning, it was cold but clear. During class, we drove around the back parking lot learning how to handle the car. I didn’t really push too hard on the gas pedal. I had my ten minutes and sat in the back while my classmates took their turns.

Sometime around lunch, it snowed. It snowed a lot and kept on snowing. My brother and I were in a theatre production, so we stayed after school for rehearsal. By the time my father arrived to pick us up, the snow was several inches deep and still falling; it was a snowstorm.

I slid into the passenger seat and my brother went into the back of the car, “I bet Dave would like to drive home,” he teased. My father looked at me, “Would you?” I shrugged, “Let me put it to you this way: I have pressed the accelerator twice.” With that, my father got out of the car and walked around to my door. I traded places with him and drove home.

Our five-minute drive took twenty minutes. My father said very little. He made some very calm suggestions and pretty much just let me drive. From that moment on, if I got into a car, I drove it. My parents instructed me gently, calmly, and in a manner that demonstrated that they had the greatest confidence in me.

Unlike my father, I have the benefit of already having taught a child to drive. I rode with both my daughter and my niece as they learned to drive. In both cases, my calm and supportive parents were my models.

Driving is our ultimate symbol of independence and power. It is frightening to parents for good reason. Let no one make fun of drivers education teachers. It is difficult enough to sit next to one’s own children when they are learning to drive. It must take stomachs of iron to teach other people’s kids!

My daughter and niece are good drivers, and my son is getting there. We moved slowly at first: starting in a parking lot, graduating to quiet neighborhood streets, and then Sunday mornings on major roads eventually heading to the highway. And there are moments: the overturns as we bump the curb, the near misses of parked vehicles, the turns into traffic that are saved by the good driving and graciousness of strangers.

Yet how we approach teaching our children to drive speaks so strongly about how we see our relationship. Handing my son the keys to the car is not only tremendous because he can now do damage on a grand scale, but because it communicates a host of messages. It says that I trust him. It says that I want him to be fully adult and independent. It says that is it okay to drive independently from those who love you. It is literally letting go.

And I don’t like letting go. I like control and I prefer my kids close. But this isn’t about me. This is about teaching my children that it is time take the wheel. Often while we are driving, my son asks me, “Which way should I go?” My answer is always the same, “You are the driver. You decide.”