The College Search With Child Number Two: Second Verse, Not Like the First

A friend of mine says that second time parents are the most dangerous: they think they know what they are doing. Perhaps it is similar when children grow up and look for colleges. It seems like everyone is an expert. If you went to college, you are familiar with every college. Even though you applied to college thirty or more years ago, you can advise anyone. You have a child in college? You know it all!

It is evident to me that I do not know it all. I have visited dozens of college campuses, and talked to many admissions representatives. I work very hard to stay current on the college essay process. Yet, I am learning anew as I go through the college selection process with my younger child.

It helps that I am married to a high school guidance counselor, who is an expert on colleges and the planning process. However, the second time around is very different than the first. Our elder child had a clear direction when we began the process (even though that direction changed). She was outspoken about her observations and reactions to what she saw on campuses. Our younger has answered every question with the same three words: "I don't know." 

What do you think you might study? Could you see yourself on this campus? Would you like to be near a city? What is important to have on campus? Would you like to be close to or far from home?

“I don't know.”

I don't know if he just isn't ready to participate in this process or perhaps he is in college denial. So far, we have visited two big state schools, and walked around a third. We have taken tours at a mid-sized state school, a small liberal arts school, and a mid-sized private school - and walked around one more. I'd like the punch line here to be - and my child is only seven years old, but he is almost seventeen! 

Like teaching and parenting, it is critical to tailor the process to the child. What worked for one, may not work for another. While my elder may be have been ready to critically evaluate colleges for fit, the younger has asserted that he thinks he might fit anywhere. 

He might be correct, and a muumuu might work to keep him covered; yet I don't think a big dress would be the best choice for school clothing. Yes, he is not fussy, but this might be because he has not yet developed (or chosen) any preferences. It is my hope that, as he visits schools, some things will become more important to him.

I can hear some of my friends (and perhaps family) saying, "Then back off! He isn't ready! You have time!" He may be a year away from actually applying to college, but I think we'll need that time for him to determine what is important to him.  

Picking a college has weight. When families are not thoughtful about college selection, students often pay the price and encounter problems during their freshman years. Our goal by starting the planning early is to prevent this. The more college experiences our child has, the better able he is to make a choice that is the best possible fit.  Is that my rationale or my rationalization?  

College can be a scary change for students. It is certainly scary for me. I am not ready for my son to go away to school. Fortunately, I, too, have a little while before that happens. For me, this process is about getting ready for that step - and all of us are going to need time to make the transition.

Praise for Impressive Parents!

Let’s start with the cold fact: parents, your children’s teachers are judging you. There, I said it because it’s true. I remember hearing an elementary school principal tell his kindergarten parents, “We’ll only believe half of what your kids tell us about you, if you believe only half of what they you about us.”  I wanted to raise my hand and ask, “Which half?”

The bad half. Most of the time, it is the negative that stands out.  There are plenty of articles about over-parenting and how it is creating helpless children. As is often the case, I have interactions with a small percentage of my students’ parents, and most of these interactions are related to problems. I get a glimpse at a few more because I live in the district and see parents at events and around town.

And while I could fill fifty blogs with stories about poor parenting, it is the impressive parents who stand out. My colleagues and I cherish our encounters with impressive parents. Although it is infrequent (impressive parents are far less likely to call the school than unimpressive parents), it is refreshing and rejuvenating. After a phone call with one of these parents, I want to sing their praises. These parents make me a better teacher, parent, and person. These parents renew my faith in people and the process of parenting.

So what is so impressive? What makes a parent stand out?

Impressive parents let their kids speak and act for themselves. “We” didn’t have homework – the student did. It should be the student who sends the email, arranges the meeting, or solves the problem. Impressive parents do not act on their children’s behalf unless their children have exhausted their resources. They coach their children to be their own agents! This is one reason we don’t have contact with impressive parents as much as unimpressive parents; their kids are doing the talking!

Impressive parents hold their children accountable for their choices. They teach their children to live up to their obligations. Impressive parents don’t make excuses for their children or rush to their children’s rescue when there are difficulties.

Impressive parents help their children rise to challenges and empower them to solve problems independently. They assist their kids in finding ways to deal with uncomfortable, frustrating, and challenging situations. They help their kids develop “grit:” strength of character!

Impressive parents set clear boundaries that their children understand. They say, “no” and have the backbone enough to mean it. Children of impressive parents often know what their parents will allow or do long before talking with them – and they are correct!

Impressive parents are coaches on the sidelines of their children’s social lives. They do not get entangled with notions of the in-crowd or the popularity hierarchy. They get to know their child’s friends and model fostering strong and healthy relationships. They do not keep their child’s social calendar and it does not direct their own.

Impressive parents clearly demonstrate to the children (and the teachers and others sitting in the audience) what is important. And yes, it is the impressive parent – and the impressive child – who is often the one to say, “thank you”.

Ask a teacher about children who took up way more than their fair share of time and effort, I’ll bet you anything, those are not children of impressive parents. Most of the time, they are the other kind.