Praise for Impressive Parents!

Let’s start with the cold fact: parents, your children’s teachers are judging you. There, I said it because it’s true. I remember hearing an elementary school principal tell his kindergarten parents, “We’ll only believe half of what your kids tell us about you, if you believe only half of what they you about us.”  I wanted to raise my hand and ask, “Which half?”

The bad half. Most of the time, it is the negative that stands out.  There are plenty of articles about over-parenting and how it is creating helpless children. As is often the case, I have interactions with a small percentage of my students’ parents, and most of these interactions are related to problems. I get a glimpse at a few more because I live in the district and see parents at events and around town.

And while I could fill fifty blogs with stories about poor parenting, it is the impressive parents who stand out. My colleagues and I cherish our encounters with impressive parents. Although it is infrequent (impressive parents are far less likely to call the school than unimpressive parents), it is refreshing and rejuvenating. After a phone call with one of these parents, I want to sing their praises. These parents make me a better teacher, parent, and person. These parents renew my faith in people and the process of parenting.

So what is so impressive? What makes a parent stand out?

Impressive parents let their kids speak and act for themselves. “We” didn’t have homework – the student did. It should be the student who sends the email, arranges the meeting, or solves the problem. Impressive parents do not act on their children’s behalf unless their children have exhausted their resources. They coach their children to be their own agents! This is one reason we don’t have contact with impressive parents as much as unimpressive parents; their kids are doing the talking!

Impressive parents hold their children accountable for their choices. They teach their children to live up to their obligations. Impressive parents don’t make excuses for their children or rush to their children’s rescue when there are difficulties.

Impressive parents help their children rise to challenges and empower them to solve problems independently. They assist their kids in finding ways to deal with uncomfortable, frustrating, and challenging situations. They help their kids develop “grit:” strength of character!

Impressive parents set clear boundaries that their children understand. They say, “no” and have the backbone enough to mean it. Children of impressive parents often know what their parents will allow or do long before talking with them – and they are correct!

Impressive parents are coaches on the sidelines of their children’s social lives. They do not get entangled with notions of the in-crowd or the popularity hierarchy. They get to know their child’s friends and model fostering strong and healthy relationships. They do not keep their child’s social calendar and it does not direct their own.

Impressive parents clearly demonstrate to the children (and the teachers and others sitting in the audience) what is important. And yes, it is the impressive parent – and the impressive child – who is often the one to say, “thank you”.

Ask a teacher about children who took up way more than their fair share of time and effort, I’ll bet you anything, those are not children of impressive parents. Most of the time, they are the other kind.