We Are Not Who We Were

Have you ever had a conversation with a distant family member who sees you occasionally and you realize that this person doesn’t really know you? They see you as who you were years ago. Their mental image of you has not kept up with the times.

This is a typical point of contention in families: as children grow and change, their parents and the other adults in their lives struggle to keep up, especially when the changes happen so quickly. However, children aren’t the only ones who change; we all keep growing.

I look back at my first years as a teacher, and I shake my head. I am amazed that I made it through! I am embarrassed by my mistakes, and I wonder what took me so long to figure things out. Sometimes, I look back at last week in the classroom and feel the same way.

One of the appeals of throwback Thursday is this embarrassment. We see the old photos and we are shocked! Yes, that is me, but it looks nothing like I am now  - on the outside.

I meet former students who have grown up, sometimes way up, and I struggle to see the person I knew years ago. Of course, they have changed physically, and as we talk, I am amazed and delighted by the wonderful people they have become. The person I knew has transformed into someone better.

Often, I beat myself up over stupid things I have done in the past. Sometimes, I am that distant relative who can’t see the older me. Maybe I am in denial, refusing to see the present me.  Maybe I get stuck.

It is easier to hang on to the past, clinging to the idea that our identities are static.  I don’t want to have to keep relearning and changing my views. I want people to be like the characters in books. My favorite characters are always in those pages. I know exactly what they will do. They are comfortingly predictable. Real people don’t work that way.

The reverse is true as well: I don’t want to let go of the negative feelings I had toward people in my past. I want to believe they are the same as when they hurt me long, long ago. Sometimes, those nasty people are still nasty. Sometimes, they have also changed and they, too, are embarrassed by their pasts. We don’t have to forget the past, but we shouldn’t imprint it on the present.   

When we see people daily or even just a few times a month, we don’t notice the changes. We adjust in such small increments that we are fooled into thinking nothing has changed. When we see people only occasionally or merely connect through Facebook, Instagram, or email, we are really conversing more with an old photograph than an old friend.

When my students visit, I need to get to know them again. We share a powerful past, but we haven’t shared much recently. Social media may provide the information, but those old anchors stay put. We have to take a new photo.

We are not who we were. I am not the person, teacher, husband, father, son, brother, friend, or relative I was years (or months) ago –and there big changes ahead.