I Will Not Be THAT Parent!

The recent college admission scandal has increased our awareness of snowplow, lawnmower, and attack helicopter parents. Parents across the nation, especially White affluent parents, are shaking their heads in disbelief and saying, “I am not THAT parent. At least I didn’t do THAT!”

In my more than thirty years in education, I have seen many parents eschew one sin only to turn around and commit another which is just as egregious.

So when someone says they never want to be THAT parent. I am not sure what they mean. Here is what I mean: I will never be the:

Puppet parent who pulls the strings and robs their children of agency. Instead, I teach my children to share control and be responsible members of our family and the community.

Ass wiper parent who does absolutely everything for their children. Instead, I will foster independence and autonomy in my children and help give them tools to solve their problems on their own.

Controlling parent who keeps their children dependent. Instead, I will teach my children how to make choices and decisions and to accept their (and my own) limits of control

Wimpy parent who just can’t say, “no.” Instead, I will play the role of adult and teach my children that actions have consequences even when they are unpleasant and that my child’s power is real and shared.

Alarmist parent who worries about everything! Instead, I will help my children take risks and push their boundaries and realize that my limits are not theirs.

Unpredictable parent who cannot be trusted or relied upon. Instead, I will provide my child with stability and consistency. My word and promise will have meaning. I will be dependable and teach my children that they can rely on me.

Needy parent who leans on their children. Instead, I will have a life beyond my role as a parent and model for my children how adults are multifaceted.

Buddy parent who behaves just like another kid. Instead, I will develop healthy relationships based on our roles as parent and child. We can have fun and enjoy each other without my child becoming my peer. I am healthy enough to have friends of my own. I will encourage and model for my child how to form strong relationships.

Indulgent parent who provides everything. Instead, I will demonstrate to my child that joy does not come from things, but from relationships and actions. I will not substitute bribes for my time and affection.

Pollyanna parent who believes everything will all work out for the best on its own. Instead, my children and I will partner to figure out problems and use reason and research to assess and act on issues and challenges.

Proxy parent who turns the parenting over to others. Instead, I will take responsibility and not farm out my parenting responsibilities to tutors, sitters, and consultants. I will need experts, but they will help and advise my family not act in my place.

Critic parent who drills their children like drafted soldiers. Instead, I will coach gently and celebrate my child’s interests and talents.

Privileged parent who disregards rules and behaves as if he and his children have no limits and are entitled to whatever they want. Instead, I will teach my children to respect others and the systems that make our society work. I will help my children find their humility and generosity and recognize that others’ needs are as (or more) important as their own.

I will check myself when I catch myself with these parental tendencies. I will not ignore my mistakes and my tendency to drift into poor parenting. Instead, I will be a reflective parent who questions his decisions and talks openly about parenting with his wife, children, and other parents – and sometimes reverses course, changes direction, and tries another parenting approach.

None of us is born knowing how to parent. None of us can do it on our own. All parents need a support network. Every child deserves thoughtful adults who ask, why am I doing this? What lessons am I teaching my children?

So we can take far more from this college scandal than the satisfaction of saying, “At least I didn’t do THAT! At least I am not THAT parent!”

The Insanity of Education Reform

The way that we have been trying to change education is a variation on the old tune that defines insanity as doing the same thing but expecting different results. We test. We compete. We want accountability. We rail against tenure, unions, and bad teachers. We want things to be uniform and “common.” And nothing changes. In fact, it can be argued that our fetish with these approaches has made the state of education worse rather than better.

There are many schools, many in suburbs, smaller cities, and towns that are doing fine. Charter schools haven’t had a significant impact and are plagued by similar problems as the public schools near them.

So maybe, just maybe, it is time for a new approach. Maybe it is time to try another way. Here are some elements that we might consider:

Embrace and empower teachers. The reforms of the past three decades have focused on the “bad” teachers. Tests, standards, and other structures were designed to be “teacher-proof.” Instead, let’s work with teachers. After all, they are on the front lines. If they don’t buy into the plan, it will be far more difficult to carry out. If we work with, rather than against, professional educators, who know kids well, might we discover new ways to help kids learn?

Testing is a lost cause. We keep trying to use tests to solve education problems and it doesn’t work. We like tests because they generate clear numbers which we can compare and then use those comparisons to make judgments. However, tests are only one tile in a large and complex mosaic. Not only are they not the big picture, they are not an accurate little picture. They are merely measurable data and anyone who argues they work must address more than thirty years of standardized testing that if judged the way we judge any vehicle, fails to achieve a passing grade.

So what replaces testing? Smaller class sizes and increased resources. We waste billions of dollars on testing and make educational companies wealthy at our students’ expense. We know that smaller class sizes have a profound impact on learning. Give kids more teacher time and attention instead of testing drills!

No education reform can be complete without acknowledging that the research about student learning clearly states that the school (and to some degree the teacher) only control about a quarter of the factors that affect achievement. What goes on beyond the schoolhouse is far more important. Let’s focus there as well.

Let’s invest in parent education. Let’s address poverty, nutrition, and violence. Let’s increase funding of early childhood education and make access to preschool universal!

Let’s acknowledge that one size education doesn’t fit all! Uniform rules, tests, and standards don’t fit anyone! Education, like clothing, must be tailored and, since kids grow and change, evaluated and retailored constantly. Every child, school, and community is unique and deserves education that fits! 

We have tried the numbers, uniformity, and testing approach for more than thirty years. It doesn’t get a B or even a C. It has earned an F! Time for another course!