Last In Line

Over the course of more than three decades, I have developed a long list of sayings and “Hirschisms” that become a kind of classroom script. As I reach the end of my teaching career, I have been trying to collect and explore them here. I promise that this is the last (and tenth) of my “line” posts.

When I was student teaching, my supervising teacher told me that she really liked my “shut up substitute.” I wasn’t sure what she meant. She clarified that I used the word, “Focus” when she was thinking, “shut up.” Recently one of my students said that I never yell, instead, I say, “Stay with me.” I guess that is my latest shut up substitute.

Frankly, I don’t have kids writing on paper that much anymore. Most of our writing is on the computer. However, for years it drove me crazy that kids would come to class without a pen or pencil! So I started to collect all the pens and pencils that were left in the room or in the hall and put them in a jar in the room for these hapless kids without them. The jar was called “the land of lost writing implements” and a few years ago a few wonderful seniors actually labeled a jar with that title and gave it to me.

I will joke with kids a lot. When a student blurts out a right answer, I may retort, “What they say about you just isn’t true!” As kids are laughing and engaged in the activity, I will echo my Freshman English teacher who jokingly said, “No fun allowed! No fun in English class!”

Students will raise their hands and sometimes state that they have a “stupid” question. I will let them know that is fine by telling them, “All questions are stupid questions.”

When students do something not so good or make an unforgivable error (for example, there instead of their), I will make a kind of laughing face and say, “I show you my teeth” but I don’t growl or bite. Usually.

Kids will come in late with a pass from another teacher. While many teachers will sign their names, for some reason, P.E. teachers often just note that they were late from ‘gym’. I tell kids that I know Gym or Jim. Jim Class. But I add that I like his brother better: Art.

Students and teachers will return from an illness and blame a family member: my sister gave it to me! I always shake my head and say, “That’s how it is in families; whatever we get, we share.” I got it from Agnes!

When someone asks me if I am ready to go back to school or ready for spring break or ready for anything, I reply, “If I am not ready, will I get more time? Ready or not!”

Kids don’t think that teachers are watching all the time. I see the flirting and posturing, the budding relationships forming in class. My former student Christine reminds me that I would tell kids to “put the hormones on hold” when I needed them to stop being so adolescent!

Then there are those students who need more than their fair share of my attention. Sometimes, classes get impatient with these kids (and sometimes I do, too). However, I always reassure them that it is okay, because “I get paid extra to have this one in my class.”

Kids often bring food into class, and sometimes it is even healthy food. When an apple comes in, I will sometimes turn into the wicked stepmother and comment that they are eating, “a nice juicy apple dearie” Or I’ll ask, “You didn’t take that apple from that naked lady by the tree, did you?”

As I was preparing to write this series of posts, I asked my former students on Facebook what they remembered. Mike remembered the sign over the clock in my classroom: “Time to Take Notes.” I really wanted to cover the clock completely, but the teacher with whom I shared the room did not wear a watch!

Joe remembered my stupid thesis formula. It is one of those things I say so often that it is my hope that every student remembers it. When I am teaching the concept of thesis to Freshman, I will often stick my head into the hall and pull in any former student walking past. Most of the time, they immediately say, “The table is pretty and brightens the whole room.”

I have always been more of a Macintosh computer person than a Windows guy. For a long time, all the computers in our building ran Microsoft software. Jeremy remembered that I referred to my laptop as a “Piece of C.”

On open house nights, I would tell parents that education could not happen without photocopied handouts as I gave them my piece of paper at the door.

There are more. I have not covered them all because it would take far too long. This post is already much longer than it should be. As usual, I have gone on too long.

So this is the end of the lines!