Letting Go of COVID Control

I have been struggling during this time. I love spending this time with my wife and kids, but I am concerned about people I care about who don’t live with me. While I am completely content to chip away at my list, clean the house, find interesting ways to connect, create, and be involved in my community, I am keenly aware that this is a time of great uncertainty and danger. And I have been living with that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach: fear.

So my goal continues to be to not lose this moment because I am afraid about what may or may not happen later. I am working to be present here and now. I want to be able to appreciate the moments I have with my family at home, on the phone, through video chats, texts, and emails instead of fretting about the dangers from which I cannot protect them.

 

I guess I need to let go of the protector father/husband concept, too.

 

It is easier written than done. I read an article talking about how one’s mindset affects one’s immune system, and anxiety hinders the immunity system. Did I really need to be told that fear is the mind-killer? Do I diminish my ability to stay well by making doomsday plans?

 

I am a planner. I like control. One doesn’t become a theatre director and English teacher unless one is constitutionally predisposed to being in charge. I am happier when things work according to my plans because I spend significant energy structuring all the pieces. I have checklists, to-do sheets, procedure documents, and contingency plans for my contingency plans. My father calls me a “belt and suspenders man.” It is an accurate description.

 

While there is nothing wrong with being thoughtful, prepared, and planned, it can be problematic when my need to direct the show is thwarted. I am in the wings for this crisis. My role is to stay out the way and do whatever I can to help those fighting this pandemic.

 

I am slowly learning how to do that. I am not a lead in this play. I am a bit player, an extra, and I must do my small part and let the show’s leads save me. That does not come easily to me, especially when some of those key actors don’t seem to know their lines or blocking and are terrible stage hogs.

 

I need to take my own grandmother’s advice and look at things positively. This does not mean ignoring, denying, or minimizing the things that make me anxious but putting them in their place. It does not mean throwing up my hands and saying I cannot participate in the struggle to improve our world, but finding healthy ways to contribute to the fight. And of course, letting go of my expectation of control.

 

A dear friend told me her version of the serenity prayer; she said the only good thing about hitting your head against the wall is that it feels really good when you stop. I must accept that much about this situation is out of my control. I cannot let that frustration destroy the good things that are right in front of me. I must not let my imagined horrors outshine my here and now blessings. There are things I can control. There are ways I can both help keep everyone safe and help make this a more just and peaceful world for everyone. I must understand the difference.

 

Writing this is one step. Doing it is another. I’ll get back to you.