To call this a difficult time feels like gross understatement. We are confused. We are angry. We are scared. Given the crises we are experiencing, these are normal and natural responses. What do we do with them? How do we cope? How do we help each other, and what do we do to bring our communities back to equilibrium?
People are in pain. They are suffering physically, emotionally, and economically. Many have lost people dear to them. We cannot and should not wave away their grief. We must do what good friends, family, and neighbors have always done: bring comfort, assistance, and the balm of companionship – even at a distance.
No one is immune to the complex crises facing our communities. The multiple pieces of this storm have affected everyone, regardless of age, race, wealth, location, or other factors. None of us have superpowers, though we may wish we did.
So what do we do? How can we work together to help each other and ourselves? That is the goal, right? That is the point of community. If we needed no one else, we could live by ourselves on an island. We are part of a greater interdependent whole: our communities. They give to us and we contribute to them. It is a mutually beneficial relationship - at least most of the time.
Sometimes, however, we are at odds with members of our communities. We disagree. We see the balance between giving and taking differently. We advocate for diverse priorities. If these differences are large enough, they may be transformative: they alter the fabric of our shared relationship.
When in conflict, it can be tempting to simplify the disagreement: It is us or them, our way or their way, one or two, up or down. When we are highly invested in our communities and our positions, it can be very difficult to listen, arrive at compromise, and separate our feelings of ego and ownership from our thoughts about what is best for our community. Our strong feelings cloud our better judgment. Our communities are very important, as they should be, but we fear losing face, being wrong, seeming weak, or letting people down. Sometimes, we are angry and hurt.
We must remind ourselves of what is most important about our communities and why they exist. When we demonize others because they take different positions, we need to remember our common objectives.
What are they? Let’s take some of them out and use them to put our disagreements in perspective:
Some of the reasons we sustain our communities are to:
- Ensure the safety and well being of all, but especially those who cannot ensure their own.
- Create resources that are valuable to most if not all of us, but so complex that we could not create them by ourselves (i.e. fire protection, hospitals, electrical grids, etc.).
- Deal with traumatic or catastrophic threats that would overwhelm us individually.
- Collaborate creatively to make our world a more pleasing and joyful place.
- Collaborate economically and build shared resources that enhance the stability and comfort of our community.
- Hold people to account and ensure that, if people’s behavior is detrimental to the community, there are ways to address and rectify it.
- Protect and nurture our children and help them grow, learn, and mature.
- Care for and honor our elders and ensure that they are protected and healthy.
- Explore our community relationships and learn more about what communities mean to us.
There are, of course, others as well. This list is not exhaustive. Feel free to leave comments with other reasons to maintain community.
Being in a community means that we must let go of some of our individuality and individual control. We strike a balance between doing what is good for our families, communities, and what we would like to do just for ourselves.
Small children are selfish. They cannot see this important difference. They won’t share toys, leave some of the cake for later, or give their parents quiet time to work at home. They are demanding and focused only on their own needs. Even if they have simple chores, they may chaff against doing them. They don’t recognize that they receive benefits from the family and also must learn to be an active contributor to it.
We know people who are like this; they see only what the community gives them, should do for them, or should NOT do to them. The street only goes one way. Beyond these benefits, they want the community to allow them to eat all the dessert, stay up late, scream and yell whenever they want, and live by their own rules - only. Toddlers can be tyrants, but so can taxpayers.
In times of crisis, like now, it is easy to pull in our household borders and see only our immediate needs. We need toilet paper or cleanser, who cares if other people don’t have any. Who cares that our neighbors are being treated in ways that are demeaning, unjust, or dangerous if we are safe?
More than ever, during a time when any of us can infect any of us unknowingly, we must prioritize the needs of the community. We must listen and believe our neighbors of color and actively make our communities more equitable and just. We must unite as a community and a country to protect all of us. We must foster our connections to each other as much as we keep our households safe and healthy.
Members of the military often talk about duty. We refer to serving on juries and voting as civic duties. If parents fail to properly take care of their children, it is criminal negligence. Our community needs us. It is our duty to care for it with the diligence that would devote to loved ones. We must balance our individual obligations with our obligations to our community and country.
This cannot be accidental or incidental. This must be a conscious decision to do whatever we can do to make our communities safe, just, healthy, and peaceful:
- Protect those who are struggling to keep themselves safe
- Strengthen our shared structures like hospitals and schools (and the people who work at them)
- Comfort and assist those ailing, like the elderly and medically challenged.
- Hold those whose behavior is racist, sexist, or prejudicial to account.
- Change structures in our community that benefit some at the expense of others.
- Assist each other in realizing and living up to our communal duties.
- Protect and nurture all of our children.
- Help the community (both as a whole and as individuals) find joy and hope.
These are difficult goals during the best of times. They are never easy- and they have never been more important than right now.
We must unite around fulfilling our duties to our community. We must find new balances between our own needs and what will benefit all of us.
If we do not do this, our communities will become sick and die – and take us with them.
