Eight Rules to Prevent Public Self-Stimulation

It must have been an interesting sight; from the performer’s point of view, the three people at the back of the recital hall were looking at their laps, making small movements with their arms and hands, and periodically smiling and sighing. What might they be doing?

If you are thinking what you might be thinking, you aren’t far from correct. Although it would not get them arrested, they were involved in the new socially acceptable form of self-stimulation: use of their smart phones.

I was sitting next to them. While every singer in the recital may not have ready for Orchestra Hall, none deserved to be upstaged by texting, solitaire, or Facebook. And while they may have only been there to watch one performer, when that child was done, the polite and respectful thing to do would be to quietly listen to other singers. Their act was not as egregious as public masturbation, but it was inappropriate and rude nonetheless.

Smart phones are ubiquitous. Despite the constant reminders to turn them off, they ring in cinemas, theaters, religious services, and other inappropriate places. Worse, people use them in ways that are distracting, disrespectful, and dangerous. Why do they do this? Why can’t we keep our hands off our phones?

I am a gadget guy. I like electronic toys. I understand how much fun it is to have a new phone and explore the new tools it presents. However, smart phone novelty does not seem to wear off for some people. The rude use of smart phones is not about the gee-whiz factor.

Blackberries were called crackberries because their users became addicted to them. Is that what is happening? Do we feel compelled to check our emails, text messages, Facebook posts, and fantasy sports leagues? Do we start to sweat and shake if we aren’t connected to the people who aren’t physically in front of us? Do we worry that our clients or followers will leave us if we don’t reply to them immediately? While some people may have jobs that require constant communication, I do not think that staying in touch is the key cause either.

Frequently, I see children with smart phones or tablets in restaurants. Their parents often have them out while pushing the kiddies in the strollers. They are all over subway trains. Why do we feel the need to finger our devices or give them to our children?

Many of us are building up a tolerance for real world engagement. The actual physically present world is not enough. It does not provide us with the gratification and entertainment that our electronics do when we jack in.

Our public use of smart phones and other electronics is a sign that people no longer find adequate stimulation in the environment around them. The movie (even if it is on a huge IMAX screen) is not entertaining enough. We must text. The dinner, lecture, service, or conversation pales in comparison to Candy Crush.

What do we do about this? We could increase the razzle-dazzle of day-to-day life. We could have video cells on our clothing; we could play music from our shoes and project engaging images from our bow ties. We could amp up the real world so it competes more favorably with the little screen in our laps.

Or we could exercise self-control. After all, we don’t have people masturbating or having sex in public even though that would be more “interesting” than boring old mundane life.

So here are eight suggestions for polite and appropriate use of smart phones:

1. Do not use smart phones when there are people physically present: interact with them.

2. Do not check email, texts, or other forms of communication in public. Move to a private area and wash your hands afterward.

3. Keep your phone on silent when you are with other people. Set your default ringtone to silent and only assign ring tones to people whose calls would be important enough to answer right away.

4. No phones on the table. A phone on the table means you are waiting to use it. When we are eating or meeting, phones should be out of sight and hearing!

5. Never let your electronics come between you and an interpersonal interaction. Would you like someone to step between you and the person with whom you were talking? That would be rude! Don’t let your phone do that either. Why is the phone more important than a live person in front of you?

6. Be considerate about how your use of electronics may affect others around you. While you may feel alone in the theater, your texting is distracting to the other members of the audience.

7. Pledge to never touch your phone while you are the driver in a car. Insist the same of anyone driving a car in which you are riding. Reinforce this rule with young drivers.

8. Talk about cell phone use when it comes up. Ask the person who has whipped out his phone, “Why do you think people are constantly on their phones?” While this may seem difficult and even rude, is it as rude as the act of letting the phone interrupt the conversation? Perhaps the person on the phone’s child is ill, or his parent is in the hospital. That provides an opportunity for real human interaction. If he is just checking the Cubs score, it says that you were just too boring. You need to know that. So does he.

Let’s think about why we feel compelled to use our phones. Let’s critically examine how phones are affecting our relationships and our public environments. Let’s reassess our need for stimulation. And let’s reconnect to each other, and bring back a sense of public responsibility, decency, and discourse.

Fifty Candles

In John Hughes’ teenage classic, Sixteen Candles, Molly Ringwald’s character, Samantha Baker believes that everyone has forgotten her sixteenth birthday. And while I don’t want to ignore my birthday, I am not sure that it merits a big deal. So for my fiftieth birthday, here are fifty thoughts about turning fifty, aging, and celebrating birthdays:

1. My children’s birthdays are the real big deal. Those are the birthdays that I really mark and care about. So perhaps my birthday isn’t just mine. It is my parents’.

2. I like using birthdays as a means of staying in touch. Whether by a quick Facebook acknowledgement, a card, or phone call, birthdays give me a chance to say, “I am thinking about you, and I still care!”

3. Other families have elaborate birthday rituals. My family never did – and I didn’t miss that. Some people love to be the center of attention and some do not. 

4. I don’t see my fiftieth birthday as a significant landmark. It is not that different from my forty-ninth or fifty-first birthdays. I don’t believe that fifty is the new thirty.

5. Birthday presents are not important to me. People are important to me. 

6. For the past decade or so, nature’s gift has been a cleaner head, a few more pounds, and an extra awareness of minor ailments. If that is what birthdays are, I certainly don’t need them.

7. I hear there is a colonoscopy in my future. Joy.

8. I am already a member of AARP (thanks to my wife turning fifty ahead of me) and it doesn’t bother me at all. I like the coupons and discounts.

9. Thank you for reading my blog. That is a great birthday present!

10. One of my friends dislikes Facebook because he contends that it gives us a false sense of connection. We see each other’s posts and then don’t feel the need to make “real” contact. If birthdays are a reason to make more substantive contact, that is a good thing.

11. I still think that a superficial acknowledgement of special events is better than no acknowledgment at all.

12. My English department has a birthday buddy tradition that some of my colleagues find onerous. I like being a buddy and organizing a little celebration for someone. I like when my birthday is acknowledged. When my buddy forgot one year, I was surprised how disappointed I felt.

13. I don’t believe in wishes. I believe in goals. And I don’t need candles to make them.  

14. I am terrible at acknowledging my students’ birthdays. Even when they were on the assignment sheet, I was so focused on the lesson, that the birthdays were often neglected.

15. When I do remember, I use this little song: “This is your birthday song. It isn’t very long.”

16. There is a second verse to this ditty: “This is the second verse. It’s shorter than the first.”

17. I do not feel old. I do not feel older than I did last year or the year before. I don’t remember the year before that.

18. I am occasionally surprised when I look in a mirror or see an old picture of myself.

19. When I see pictures of my parents in their thirties, forties, or fifties, I notice how young they look. However, my parents still look young. I hope those genes kick in sometime soon.

20. My children are getting older. My students are getting married and having babies. That is what aging feels like to me.

21. I am looking forward to time travel. Which means I am looking forward to going back.

22. Am I the only one who is a little grossed out eating a cake that someone has blown over?

23. I bumped into a student recently and I didn’t recognize her. I usually do. However, she looked so grown up. It was hard to see the fourteen-year-old child in the woman holding a toddler. I better get used to this.

24. Former students: when we bump into each other, tell me who you are right away, please. I will be increasingly grateful for that.

25. I can’t go on the really good rides at the amusement park any more. I can barely do roller coasters. The Superman ride is particularly bad because I feel like I am a doggie on all fours.

26. Some of my friends from school look exactly the same as I remember them. I am coming to hate that.

27. Some of my friends from school look older than I do. I think that is very polite. It is really nice when my former students look my age or older.

28. I feel like I have caught up to my former teachers and professors.

29. My first students are in their forties. We are now in very similar places in our lives. Does this shock them as much as it shocks me?

30. My former students’ children are at Deerfield High School. None has yet been in my classroom. That will be a real birthday milestone. I fear it is going to happen soon.

31. My current students are perpetually fourteen through eighteen. This gives me a false sense of time standing still.

32. I am very aware of time when I make a pop culture reference and they don’t get it. If I ask them, “Where is the beef?” or note they are getting “two mints in one,” I get nothing but blank stares.

33. The past was neither “golden” nor “good old.” I believe things are getting better. The times are not perfect, but progress is happening.

34. Biology is destiny. We can take only a small amount of credit for how we age.

35. As of next year, I will be the teacher in our school with the most seniority. And I am only fifty. Of course I started teaching when I was twelve.

36. I don’t care how old I am, or how old my children are, I love putting them to bed. 

37. I am not looking forward to having an “empty nest.” I have been told I will like it. I don’t want to.

38. The days are long. The years are short.

39. The other day, I started to say, “I have little kids.” I surprised myself. Sometimes I see my children as nearly adults. Sometimes I miss the little people they were.

40. I do want grandchildren – but not yet.

41. The only bad thing about going bald is having to wear a hat in the sun. Sunburn on the top of the scalp is unpleasant.

42. This is a special number and therefore needs no further comment.

43. I do not want to become one of those people who dwell on the past. I have met more than a few folks who constantly connect the conversation to their personal histories. Stop me if I do this.

44. Growing older is far better than the alternative.

45. My grandmother used to say, “We live too long.” She outlived all her friends and many of her friends’ children.

46. It will always be about the relationships. It is not about how we look, feel, or even think. It is about how we connect to each other.

47. I was stupid when I was younger. I made idiotic mistakes and did foolish things. I still do, but I hope I do so less frequently.

48. On the other hand,  that silly kid is still in me. He just has way less hair and moves more slowly.

49. I am grateful for birthday greetings. But don’t wait for my birthday. Don’t worry about my birthday. I will celebrate for any reason.

50. Any chance to reach out and acknowledge a friend is a good thing. I should do it more often. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the minutia of my world that I can’t see outside my borders. So if a special birthday lets me bring my head above the mundane waters, connect with the people around me, then my birthday has been a good thing.

You Need To Know About the Big Tests Your Kids Will Take Next Year

Starting next school year, students in many states, including Illinois, are going to have a new standardized achievement test: the PARCC test. PARCC stands for the Partnership for Assessment of Readiness for College and Careers. This test will be aligned to the Common Core standards in reading, writing and mathematics. Students in grades three to eleven will take these tests. There will also be resources for kindergarten, first and second grades.

The PARCC tests are designed to go far beyond traditional multiple choice testing. Most students will take the test online. Students will be asked to write essays and narratives, create charts and fill in graphic organizers. They will read traditional fiction and non-fiction, but also work with audio and video and other forms of media. PARCC is designed to be a more authentic and skill oriented test.

To make this happen, these tests will take more time. In addition, the PARCC test will be given twice. One test is “performance based” and the second one is focused on “end of the year” components. For third graders, each test will take about eight hours. For fourth and fifth graders, these tests will take about nine hours. Middle and high school tests will take more than nine hours. Schools will have two sets of two to four week windows when they can administer these tests.

As you can imagine, this is going to take some very creative scheduling in many schools. Schools where students have their own devices will have to make certain that their networks can support that much use. Schools with shared computers will have to create ways to move all their kids through their labs. Schools without computer resources can take the tests on paper. Of course, regular classes will be rescheduled to make room for the testing.

These tests are on track to be given for the first time next spring, during the 2014-2015 school year. You can read about more about PARCC at their website. Here is a handy FAQ page that answers many questions.

Of course, PARCC is being delivered through two major educational publishers. Here is an article that explores the costs of PARCC in both time and money. This writer calculates that, for the state of Maryland, PARCC will cost $33,761,216. Pearson and Educational Testing Service are the two companies that have been contracted to provide this test.

Given the challenges of a test like this, some educators are concerned that we have not addressed issues like the increased test length, availability and reliability of technology, ramifications for special needs students, training for teachers, and the impact of the costs. A superintendent in New Jersey wrote this op-ed piece asking that the PARCC test implementation be delayed.

There is also the question of reading on a screen. As recent research has shown, reading on a computer screen is very different from reading on paper. The PARCC tests provide students with multiple texts on the screen. This article from the Washington Post examines the effects of online reading and compares online to conventional reading.

Currently, in Illinois, the Prairie State Achievement Test is a graduation requirement. Students must take it. The PARCC test will replace the PSAE, but it is not yet known how student scores on the PARCC will be used. Educators are concerned about how students will approach the exam, especially after several hours of testing.

It is critically important that parents educate themselves about these new tests in order to be better prepared to help their students, and work with their schools when the tests roll out next spring.

Get Over Your Selfie!

Last week, I watched a high school student walk through a crowded hallway holding her phone in front of her and sticking out her tongue. She was taking a “selfie.” A selfie, for the two readers (I should stop there, right?) who do not know this term, is a picture taken of one’s self by one’s self almost always with a cell phone.

And there are a lot of selfies on the web and social network sites. One could argue that their purpose is to publish them. Many selfies are taken at arms length and look slightly distorted. Some are taken into mirrors.

The rise of the “profile” picture has encouraged people to take lots of photographs of themselves. People of a certain age are now as concerned with documenting their lives as they are with living them. An event doesn’t happen without photos. And nothing works better than a picture of me at an event.

It is seductive. I want to show my friends where I was. I want to take a picture with a celebrity or in front of a landmark. I want to show the world me! See me! Here I am! Look! Look! LOOK!

When my grandmother was packing to move, we discovered her old camera. I suggested that she use it to photograph her apartment. She told me that she didn’t know how to use the camera. I was confused. She had stacks of photos of her travels. However, as I looked at those pictures, I noticed something: she was in all the photos. She had never used her camera. She had always given it to someone else and asked that person to photograph her. Who knew that my grandmother was a trailblazer? She’d do wonderfully on Facebook.

What does it mean to be so focused on taking one’s own picture? When the point isn’t the experience, the sharing, or even the people, we are left with a narcissistic focus on the self –the selfie. It is always about me. Take the picture of me. Look at me. See where I have been and with whom. “Like” me!

And if you are with me, I might just cut you out. Another aspect of this phenomenon is the odd profile picture that is clearly a group shot – but the group has been excised. I have stopped noting how many people have disembodied hands on their shoulders or around their waists. Don’t look at the whole picture: look only at me!

To get you to look at me, I get tagged. Tagging (again for those two readers) is the labeling of the people (if there are other people – or their disconnected limbs) in the photo. Sometimes, we tag people who we wish were in the photo. Or were just outside the photo. Or might like the photo. Look at me!

The way to ruin someone’s perfect self-portrait: bomb it! Photo bombing is the practice of sneaking into someone else’s picture and facing the camera, often with an odd smile or funny face. It is not enough that I have lots of pictures of me; I have to ruin other people’s pictures. When you are looking at your picture, instead you will see me! Don’t look at you; look at me!

There is nothing wrong with a strong sense of self or a healthy ego. However, taken too far, we become all about ego and little else. When the world becomes one big mirror, we become obsessed with our image in it. We are important, yet there is so much more. Our cameras can record beautiful sunsets and landmarks, historic events, and feats of great courage and skill. Or they can be filled our distorted faces with our tongues sticking out.

Seven Simple Shortcuts I Really Use

Recently, I have seen several videos and articles on “life hacks,” quick tricks that make life a little easier. Here are seven that I actually use:

Get your lost smart phone back: If you use a pass code (as you should) to lock your smart phone, how will someone be able to return your phone to you? It is simple: put a “If lost, please call…” number on the lock screen. Of course, this number should not be the cell phone number! I use my work number. You can make this in any program and take a screen shot of it. I made mine in Word.

Get your flash drive back: I name my flash drives with my phone number. I also have an “If Found, Please Open” document on each one that lists both my email and phone number. This way, I help a good Samaritan find me without going through all the files on the drive.

Get your luggage back: In every checked (or carried-on) suitcase, I place a piece of paper at the top. If someone opens my bag, that person will see a note with my contact information and itinerary. Just to help my bag get to the correct destination, I put the airport code on a piece of tape on my luggage. My luggage is also marked with large orange H’s as well. It is very easy to spot and cannot be mistaken for someone else’s bag.

Stop annoying cell phone calls: My default ringtone on my smart phone is silent. I assign individual ringtones to my family and close friends who call frequently. I have a standard ringtone I assign to most other numbers. However, if I get a call from an unknown number or someone who has never called before, the phone doesn’t ring at all. I don’t even notice spam calls- and when I see I’ve missed an unknown call, I block that number.

Easy closet origination that shows you which clothes you really wear: When I put my laundry back in the closet, I put the hanger in backwards. This way, it is obvious which clothes I have worn recently. Each summer, I take out the items that are still hung on forward facing hangers. These are the clothes to give away because I have not worn them since my last closet clean out.

Thin your wallet and have more at your fingertips: Rather than stuffing my wallet full of loyalty, insurance, and other cards, I photograph or scan them and keep them in my smart phone. Yes, there are apps that do this, but this is far more simple. Most of these cards I use infrequently. Rather than having them make my wallet bulky, I create a photo album and store them there.

Good passwords you can remember: I have two types of passwords: those I need to have in my head and all the others. I let my password manager program (I use 1Password) create long and random passwords for any websites that I use only on my home computer. For the rest, I recommend creating a long and unique password using the first letters (or suitable replacements) for a phrase you know well. So, if I was going to use Hamlet’s famous speech, my password might be: 2BoN2b-TiT? I alternate capitals and replace words with numbers or symbols when I can. I often insert a special character somewhere in the password as well. I can remember this password and it is going to be much more difficult for someone to hack.

Do you have similar little life hack shortcuts? Post them in the comments!

Let’s Hear It For The Nerdmobile!

Years before my family and I even considered a minivan, I had a great idea: What if I decorated a vehicle to look like one of the shuttlecrafts on Star Trek? I shared this idea with wife and, perhaps since we weren’t talking about actually buying one, she gave it a thumbs up. That was all I needed.

We didn’t need a minivan with one child: a sedan and a fun red sports car worked for our family. However, when child number two was on his way, we knew that we’d need more space. Since space is the final frontier, it was time for my idea to be a reality. It was time to trade my bachelor sports car in for the ultimate symbol of parenting: a minivan.

When people ask me why I turned my minivan into a Star Trek shuttlecraft, I tell them that, if I was going to be a minivan dad, I was going to own a vehicle worth driving. It would a fun expression of my love of Star Trek and the fact that I was now a parent schlepper shuttling my kids around town. 

The first “shuttlecraft” was a gray 1997 Oldsmobile Silhouette. I debated whether it should be white or gray. My wife pointed out that a white van with red stripes would look like an ambulance. Besides, my model shuttlecraft was gray. So I went to a sign shop and asked them to make my van look just like it. They did a great job! I drove the first shuttle Galileo for about seven years before replacing it with the van I have been driving for ten years in April.

And now I am facing the end of that era: I am about to replace my minivan with a car, a sedan. Now that my younger child is about to get his drivers license, I am finally considering purchasing a car to replace what my elder child affectionately calls the “nerdmobile.” My minivan days are coming to an end.

Our minivan has, in many respects, been like everyone else’s: It has been in the elementary school pick up line, the high school parking lot, and done a ton of car pooling. It has been to sports games, rehearsals, and field trips. It has taken dozens of Sunday school students to churches, temples, mosques, mandirs, and other houses of worships. It lets us take grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends with us! It goes back and forth from summer camp every year.

However, there are aspects to our minivan that most parents will never experience. Do people often photograph your car? Do you come out of stores to find people gathered around it? Do people flash you the Vulcan salute on the highway? How many notes have been left on your minivans that were not about car accidents?

In our community, the van is our on-the-road signature. When we are further afield, it is our connection to the wonderful science fiction and Star Trek fan community. We are never anonymous on the road. While this may have some obvious downsides, it has also means that my elder child, when driving her father’s “nerdmobile” knew that she would be held accountable for her choices on the road – and her father would be, too.

The van isn’t going away immediately. For the short term, we’ll keep it as a third car. But its days are numbered. We’re not pushing strollers, carrying diaper bags, or signing up for carpools any more. We don’t move bikes, sports equipment, or double basses any more. A sedan will be just fine for our needs.

Yet, I will miss the “Enterprise” as others call it. If you drive a minivan, you know that it is a little house on wheels. It is where the kids will talk and reveal their concerns and feelings. It is where their friends will forget there is an adult at the helm and let a dad eavesdrop on their adolescent concerns. It held the entire family when the entire family was in one place. That doesn’t happen much any more.

We boldly went where no minivan had gone before. That journey is coming to an end. A new one is beginning. We had the shuttle. We had the shuttle’s next generation. Now it is time to go explore new vehicles and new stages of life. Something tells me that I am going to miss the nerdmobile and the young family it transported.

Introducing the iTeacher!

All the problems with education are solved! No need to worry about poor achievement, bad teachers, or lack of funding. The iTeacher has come to our rescue! The iTeacher is a fully automated teachbot. It will do everything a human teacher could do – and more!

Do your teachers drone on and on and on? Are their lectures long and boring? Do students skip the lecture and just read the PowerPoint slides? Are they filling class time with meaningless busy work? Replace your nineteenth century teacher with a twenty-first century educator: the iTeacher!

Why pay expensive teachers who lecture or fill time with worksheets and readings during class? The iTeacher has the entire Internet at its “fingertips” instantly. This teacher can answer every question flawlessly. The curious student need look no further than the iTeacher.

The iTeacher’s lectures are more informative, entertaining, and effective because it has access to not just Kahn Academy, but every recorded teacher lesson online! Students will flip when iTeacher stands before the class. Record your best teachers, fire them, and use iTeacher instead!

And iTeacher’s PowerPoints are perfect! Students can link their laptops, Chromebooks, iPads, smart phones, smart watches, tablets, notebooks, or even their desktops at home to iTeacher and get it all!

iTeacher can evaluate student progress flawlessly and constantly! No one has every made objective tests like iTeacher! How many terms does the student know? Can the student recall all the details from last week’s lectures? iTeacher knows! And iTeacher can then create additional tests for those who need to repeat material or move ahead. Everyday can be test day with iTeacher – and iTeacher can use the resources of College Board, ACT, SAT, and AP to prepare students for more tests! iTeacher is a test-o-matic!

No more waiting for feedback! iTeacher corrects everything instantly and returns it to students before they even finish! Tired of tracking down your child’s teacher? iTeacher returns emails, phone calls, tweets, messages, texts, or high frequency transmissions within twenty-seven seconds!

But what about class management? Can an iTeacher really handle a group of tenth graders? Of course! iTeacher keeps kids busy constantly! iTeacher can generate over two hundred activities in less than five minutes. Students will not have time to goof off!

But if they do, iTeacher has a full array of behavior modification applications! iTeacher can fill out behavioral referrals more completely and properly than any human teacher. iTeacher is even equipped with a low power tazer – just in case! And iTeacher has read all students’ cumulative folders, IEPs, and 504 plans! So if a student needs to be reminded why he flunked fourth grade, or how his father’s rehab failure might be his fault, the iTeacher can put him in his place with personalized and targeted verbal redirection.

Why struggle to align your curriculum to state standards and the Common Core? Everything the iTeacher does is labeled with the appropriate target, goal, objective, skill, and Department of Education skew number! Think of how well your students will score on those all important achievement tests!

iTeacher can work with students of all abilities and backgrounds. iTeacher speaks every language! iTeacher will keep all the support staff up to date. It can interface with iCaseManager, iCounselor, iDean, and iSchoolPsych!

Tired of lectures, worksheets, and scantron tests? Frustrated by lack of feedback and responsiveness? Fed up with teachers who just test and average? Sick of teachers who can’t handle kids?  Wait no more!

It is time for the iTeacher! Your students deserve it!