What I Am Thinking When I Wish You Happy Birthday on Facebook

I celebrated a birthday earlier this month. My family took me out to dinner. I got phone calls and cards. My friends at school got me lots of chocolate! It is always nice to be celebrated. I deeply appreciated how people made my birthday special.

The icing on my birthday cake were the nice greetings on Facebook. They are short, for the most part, and simple –and that is fine.  As I wrote a while ago, I enjoy getting birthday greetings on Facebook. It feels good that people thought about me and are wishing me well. Each morning, I do the same and write a birthday greeting for my Facebook friends. If I have a good picture, I might include that, too.

The truth is that my greetings, and most Facebook birthday greetings, are brief and superficial. Some of my younger Facebook friends send each other elaborate photo collages, embarrassing SnapChat captures, or long missives of devotion, but these seem to be exceptions rather than rules.

Like many people, I don’t have enough time to write a long letter to all of my friends having a birthday. Some are more acquaintances and I am not sure what I would say.

So here is what is going through my mind when I wish you happy birthday on Facebook:

Happy birthday to you! I hope today provides you an opportunity to be celebrated and fêted. I hope that, whatever your birthday wishes are, you are able to make them come true.

I am so glad that your birthday gives me a chance to communicate directly with you! Seeing your photos, liking your posts, hearing about your adventures keeps me connected to you, and I like that. If we haven’t talked in a while, know that miss that part of our friendship.  

I cannot overstate how wonderful it is to hear about your graduations, vacations, jobs, weddings, family, special events, interests, and thoughts. When I read them, I hear them in your voice, and for a while, across the distances and years, it feels like we are together.

Know that thinking of you brought me joy. Know that, although I may not have photographs of all of our shared memories, our past is very much on my mind as I write these quick little words to you. Know that I am honored to be a friend, Facebook or otherwise. Know that, although you may have several hundred (or thousand) such friends, that does not diminish the value of our relationship in any way to me.

I worry about writing the wrong thing for your birthday, so I keep it simple and standard. If I have a good picture, I might share it. If I don’t share it on this birthday, I will try to share it in the future. But when I do share it, I will worry that you won’t like the picture. If you don’t like the picture I shared, go ahead and delete it or tell me to do so. I won’t mind. I am sharing it because I don’t remember if I showed it to you before. Now you saw it.

If you wrote me a birthday greeting, thank you. If you did not, that is okay, too. Some of us don’t do that. Some of us don’t use Facebook that way. No judgment there. Don’t worry about it –and certainly no guilt, please! There is enough of that off of Facebook.

So may this be the best year ever. May this year bring you and those for whom you care health, happiness, purpose, and goodness.

And may we do it all again next year!

Live Long and Prosper,

David

Letting Go of the School Year

People ask me if the school year is winding down. My school year never seems to slowly come to a gentle stop. It feels more like a roller coasts that twists and drops and then, with a jolt, stops suddenly right where I got on.

May and June are intense, packed, and stressful. As the weather gets more pleasant outside, it becomes more difficult to remain inside. The rooms feel stuffy, and the end of the year can’t get here soon enough.

My calendar fills up with year-end events, banquets, and graduations. Some students just can’t hold it together any longer: some seniors struggle to get to the finish line; some freshmen can’t juggle one more assignment. We have another family crisis, spring case of mono, and all that prom-a (prom drama).

And like a bad tease, summer dangles before us.

On top of it is the reality of letting go. Sometimes, seniors can become quite difficult at the end of the year. They find fault in everything. They instigate disagreements. Pleasing them can be impossible! They are making it okay to say goodbye. If high school was really that irritating and unhappy (even if it wasn’t), then it is time to leave. If everything “sucks,” then it is less painful and scary to cross that stage, accept the diploma, and step out into the great unknown. The process of leaving is new and kids don’t always know how to handle that mixture of emotions.

Teachers don’t either. I should be good at this by now. I remind myself not to miss my students until they are actually gone. I bring my camera to school a little more often. I relish the conferences where I can tell my students how wonderful they are and thank them for putting up with me.

I am happy for them at graduation. I love the handshakes and hugs afterward. I am so grateful for those who connect on Facebook or in other ways as a means to stay in touch. I don’t want to let go. I joke about finding a teacher who will fail them so they will have to stay for another year.

That is what the end of the year means. It is not just about seniors. It means letting go of our yesterday selves. It means acknowledging the passage of days. Time passes quickly but that doesn’t just mean we’re having fun. We can’t go back and, even when kids insist they can’t wait for the year to end, the present is safe, known, and comfortable. Tomorrow, whether in a new place or a new year, is unknown and a scary.

When I come back to school in the fall, I have a period of adjustment when I mourn my classes from the prior year. I don’t know my new students well. I am excited to learn about them and with them, but there is a little shock, as I enter a classroom, and I wonder who these strangers are and where is MY class?

Sometime in October, I will turn a corner and see a student I haven’t seen since June and it is as if I have been given a gift. This meeting will soothe an anxiety that I wasn’t aware was sitting in the background.

Starting a new school year takes energy and work. Finishing one is like cashing out an investment. We have our routine. We know each other well. Yes, maybe we are now a little sick of each other. Yes, maybe things have lost their shine. But all my hard work is paying off! The growth is now visible!  Do I have to let it go and start over again?

That is the beauty and the burden of the educational cycle. It affords us time to reflect, relax, and then do it again a little better and a little differently. It is time to meet some new friends and be reborn.

Graduation is an end. The last weeks of school are chaotic and stressful, summer is a time to recover and rejuvenate, and then we do it again – hopefully better. And we miss those who are not doing it with us this time around.

Making Mensches!

As I watched a fairly average fifteen-year-old boy bother the student next to him, then go to his computer and quickly move his thumb on the trackpad so I wouldn’t see what he was doing there, and then look at me and grin, I wanted to pull him aside and ask, “Do you know what a mensch is?”

I have written about what are called “soft skills” and college readiness characteristics beyond those on standardized tests. In the beginning of the year, I provide my students with a list of behaviors that strong students demonstrate. But when I was looking at this young man, I was thinking of something more basic, and perhaps more important: being a “mensch.”

Mensch is a Yiddish word that is most often translated to mean a good person. Merriam-Webster Diction defines it as a person of integrity and honor. Urban Diction goes further and quotes Leo Rosten from his book The Joys of Yiddish, “A mensch is someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character. The key to being ‘a real mensch’ is nothing less than character, rectitude, dignity, a sense of what is right, responsible, decorous.”

How can we help our children and our students become mensches? I am all too aware that children, and high school students in particular, are narcissistic and often developmentally unable to see things from another person’s point of view. Is it not unrealistic to start high schoolers down the road to becoming mensches!

While some mensches may be born, I believe that many are made. Some are self-made, but many are assisted by parents, teachers, role models, and friends. How can parents, teachers, and concerned others help our kids become better people?

Here are a few ways we might help our children to become mensches:

Model mensch-ness ourselves: Even if our children are not in the car, even if we are alone and our actions will be noticed by no one, we must commit ourselves to the same ideals we ask of them! Our children must see us working toward mensch-ness! We must practice what we profess!

Choosing kindness: I often ask my students what “kind” of person they want to be? We share stories of the small acts of generosity that have made our days: a smile, a hello in the hall, a held-open door, or a sincere compliment. These are easy things to overlook. Choosing kindness helps get us out of ourselves and asks us to recognize our impact on others: we choose to make that impact a positive one.

Making manners matter: I remember the first time a student thanked me on her way out of the classroom. I was stunned! New teachers to our building are often surprised when students do this. I thank every group of students at the end of every class period. Manners matter.

Teaching empathy: Kids see others as like themselves or different. They sit with their friends at lunch; they do not sit with different kids. They like people who look like them, do the things they do, and behave the way they behave. Growing beyond these narrow boundaries may be one of the most difficult tasks of adolescence. Good literature, film, and drama can help students inhabit another persons’ feelings and thoughts. This is one of the reasons, I believe, that the mensches I meet in school are often readers. The more we provide children experiences feeling with another, the less they will see differences as bad and be able to truly identify with people.  

Being that person: A mensch cannot be a bystander. A mensch does not walk past the crying student. How many times have we heard, “Someone ought to do something about this?” People complain about problems, but leave them for other people. A mensch is that someone. A mensch is the person who rings the bell, helps the stranger, raises their hand, alerts the authority, makes the call, and makes the difference.

Being aware: Many people live in their own bubble. They don’t see what is going on around them. They don’t realize their effect on their environment and the people around them. A mensch is observant. A mensch sees the bigger picture and their role in it.

Slowing down, looking, and listening: Have you ever thought the person on the other end of the phone was doing something while talking to you? It is both refreshing and wonderful to realize that you are really being heard, that someone really sees you, and that you matter enough that someone will give you their time. Time may be our most precious gift. We rush through our day and don’t share our most important currency. Can we teach our children to stop, look, and listen – not for traffic, but at people?

Perhaps we are really discussing strong interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence, or maturity. Yet, I think these are teachable. Introducing students to the goal of being a mensch pulls them out of their adolescent selfie and opens their eyes to a greater picture.

Keeping Passover Is More Than What We Do Not Eat

People ask me if I am keeping Passover. What they really want to know is if I am eating any bread products. My usual response is, as an ethical-moral vegetarian, my eating habits are always foremost on my mind and connected to my values every day. I don’t need a holiday to remind me of the power of my food choices. But is keeping Passover just about food? Is Passover a holiday about diet? 

Passover can be a personal holiday in which people reflect on what it would have been like to be freed from slavery in Egypt. Freedom and slavery sit at the center of this holiday. The rights of an oppressed population, the costs to the oppressor, and the sacrifices and struggles that the fight for freedom requires are key themes of Passover. Yet, when we celebrate, we focus on food. They are the main symbols and the focus of the seder, but Passover is far more than what we eat or don’t eat.

The holiday is not without its problems. It is a holiday that seems to celebrate the pain of innocents and the deaths of children. Its literal historicity has been the subject of debate as well. At least one west coast rabbi created a “furor” when he openly stated that the story was not factual. What does it mean to “keep” traditions that are associated with this kind of story?  

The holiday has changed throughout the centuries. Jews from different parts of the world celebrate in their own ways and even disagree about what foods are permitted.  Given the diversity of Jewish thought, experience, and practice, it should come as no surprise that there are many ways to approach Passover. There is no one correct way to keep the holiday.

My wonderful little Humanistic congregation, Kol Hadash, has a food donation drive prior to the start of Passover. While removing certain foods from our diets is one way to keep the holiday, another is to help those for whom every day is a fast day.

Unfortunately, slavery is still with us. CNN recently reported about how the Attorney General of Missouri is fighting for freedom. Each year, I look for organizations that strive to end slavery and human trafficking. This year, I am contributing to Polaris. Fighting the plague of slavery is another way to keep Passover.

The Passover tradition is to keep the front door open, and include a glass of wine for the prophet Elijah. It is also customary to invite guests to our seder and welcome those who have no place to celebrate. In a time when national walls are rising, Passover’s story of a refugee people runs contrary to the current political mood. Do we want to lock Elijah out? Working to keep our national doors open is another way to keep the holiday.

Let us not slip into the easy answer that all Passover asks of us is the elimination of dietary fiber (which may be why the main phrase of this holiday is, “let my people GO!”).

Passover asks us for empathy. Passover asks us to repair the world. Passover asks us to include the stranger at our table. It is a powerful holiday that celebrates far more than what we do or do not eat.

With Apologies to Noel Coward, A Plea During the Week Before Spring Break!

Don’t pull your daughter out of school, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school

She is already confounded

This class’s pretty tough

And admitting the fact that she can’t subtract

If that isn’t reason enough

She’s a nice girl and though her grades are just fair

She’s not the type that can rebound and retool

I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school!

Regarding yours, dear Mrs. Worthington

Of the week before the break

Although you got a great deal on the flight

I won’t give up the fight since we can’t teach her to write

If you make her disappear, Mrs. Worthington

It is beyond absurd

Why in reality would you unilaterally take her away, missing those days

And setting her back weeks!

Don’t pull your daughter out of school, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school

She’s a bit of a slow starter, you must honestly confess

And the quality of her work would surely defeat

Her chances of her success

It’s not that she doesn’t exactly excel in class

But missing before break, she’ll be April’s fool

On my knees, Mrs. Worthington, please Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school

Don’t pull your daughter out of school, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school

Though they showed movies before break

At the junior high last year

I’m afraid, missing class, she’ll not pass, we don’t do that here.
She’ll come back with a tan, from her two weeks in Cannes

But by missing a week, she’ll not swim but sink!

No more buts, Mrs. Worthington, nuts! Mrs. Worthington

Don’t pull your daughter out of school!

My Letter to the Legislator

Dear Legislator,

Thank you for your service. Thank you for all you do for the United States and all of us. It cannot be easy to be in your role. You must receive countless communications that ask, demand, threaten, or beg. I don’t think I can imagine the sort of uncomfortable dilemmas that you must face regularly.

I am a high school teacher. My wife is a high school counselor. Like you, we are public servants. Like you, we do our best to serve our kids and our community. Like you, we are often servant to masters who don’t agree and with whom we sometimes disagree.

While I may agree with you on some issues and disagree on others, this letter is not for or against any particular policy. However, in one respect, this letter is going to be like the others; I do have a request: I hope it is something you are already doing.

This email is not to ask you to support or reject any particular rule, bill, or action. It is not to yell, scream, beg, or complain. It is to ask you to do the right thing, to listen to your inner conscience, your sense of duty and morality and to act from that center.

I urge you to hold the historic values of democracy and the United States close when you make decisions that affect so many, to remain true to the values that are the foundation of our nation. I urge you to make sure that the legislative and decision-making processes are fair, honest, transparent, and forthright – and that they serve the long-term interests of our country. Please build bridges and be inclusive. Please investigate questions that pose dangers to our countries and find clear and objective answers.

You must be pulled in many directions. At times, you are asked, for political reasons, to support and defend things that you think are wrong. I implore you to take the time to consider, research, listen, and learn. My biggest mistakes are when I have moved too quickly, rushed into decisions, or allowed loud voices to pressure me into doing things that did not sit well with me.

Consider your legacy. Look at the leaders of the twentieth century; while their policies and actions are remembered, they are heightened or tainted by their moral character. We remember what they did, but how and why they did took those actions is what fills the history books.

I know you know this. You don’t need a letter reminding you. However, given all the communications you receive and all the burdens put upon you, I wanted to make sure that a voice in that enormous chorus was singing with you on this very important note.

Once again, thank you for your service, and thank you for, even sometimes in the face of great pressure and price, maintaining your integrity and our great country.

Yours sincerely,

David A. Hirsch