Thirteen Table Talk Topics For Your Holiday Dinner Instead of Politics

Many of us dread the holidays because we are forced to speak with “those” relatives. “Those” relatives or friends or people at our holiday meals are the ones with whom we have deeply rooted disagreements about key political and social ideas. We may have additional people with whom these topics are off the table because we fear that either the discussion will become unpleasant or that it will unalterably change our relationship. We agree to disagree and talk about the weather, sports, or television. We keep it trivial.

Here is an alternative.

Here are some questions that might help us explore the other person’s point of view and find some common ground – maybe. Disclaimer up front: I am not unbiased in this discussion. I have a point of view. These questions are designed to reveal the crucial foundation of that point of view. It is my hope that it is a foundation we can share. If it is not, well, we may have to ask more questions about the basis of our beliefs.

All of these questions could be followed by “how does our current government and social structure connect to our discussion?” Perhaps you don’t want to go there. Perhaps you want to limit examples to those in fiction or from television situations. Perhaps the examples are purely hypothetical and we forbid the political.

1. Which of the ten commandments do you think is the most important? Which is the least? Why? Should any be disregarded completely? Are any in need of modernizing? Do we need to add some?

2. When thinking about important religious figures, what are their key messages? What did they stand for and how did their actions show this?

3. While most people would agree that minor white lies are okay under some circumstances (do you?), when or why is it okay to lie about important things? When families (societies) are making major decisions that have a significant effect, should all of the members of the family (society) be informed or included? Should information be fully shared? When or why should we have open information or hidden information? Is it okay for someone to ask or tell you to lie? Is it okay to lie to save face or reputation?

4. What is the value of trust in a relationship? What happens when trust is violated?

5. What does it mean to be fair? What is fairness? What is justice? What does it mean to be just?

6. What is respect? How does one show respect? Why is that important? How is respect connected to manners and being polite?

7. What is integrity? Is it something we value? How do you recognize a person of integrity? How does one repair his or her integrity?

8. What do we mean when we use the term virtue? What are virtuous characteristics? What are their opposites?

9. If you were hiring someone to care for your children, grandchildren, parents, or grandparents, what traits would you want in that person? If you were hiring someone to manage your financial affairs, what would you want? How are these similar or different?

10. What makes someone a role model? Beyond family members, who would you want your children to use as role models and why? What would make you concerned if your child picked a role model with whom you disapproved?

11. What is the meaning of duty? What is the meaning of obligation? What is the difference between them? How are they different than responsibility or loyalty? What duties, obligations, and responsibilities do we have (okay – you may not want to go here)?

12. Is it ever okay to hurt someone else? If no, why not?  If yes, why? Do your answers change if we talk about physical or emotional pain? What do we mean when we say, “hurt?”

13. What is the difference between fairness and equality? Did your parents treat you (and your siblings, if you have siblings) fairly or equally? How did you know? How did it make you feel? In a family or classroom (or country), how should people be treated? Fairly? Equally? A combination? What does that look like?

Certainly there are many more issues we could add to this list of questions. What would happen if we discussed the underlying values and beliefs before asking if we agree with specific politicians or policies? Perhaps we could open up the conversation. It might still be uncomfortable and difficult. But it might move us past partisan labels and make us see each other in more complex and meaningful ways. Maybe.

What's My Line?

I have been writing about the sayings and lines I use in class – and life. I will freely admit it, I repeat myself. I am a classroom teacher and reinforcing the lesson is an important skill. These lines real purpose is to help develop a classroom atmosphere. They form a kind of script. Students like things to be predictable. They like to know what to expect, but they balk at boring. My lines are a way to strike this balance.

When someone asks me, “What do you teach?” My wife and family will roll their eyes because they know my answer will always be, “Children.” Then someone will correct me and say that is “who” you teach, what subject do you teach? The truth is, the subject is secondary. I teach the kids. I teach the kids about literature, writing, thinking, communication, logic, theatre, and many other subjects. But I don’t teach a subject. The kids are my focus.

I teach my students what I call the platinum rule. I find that the golden rule doesn’t work for all teenagers. If you ask them, “Would you like to be treated that way?” They often reply, “That wouldn’t have bothered me. I was just joking. I can take a joke. She’s a baby. He’s too sensitive. I didn’t mean it that way.” You get the idea. Instead, the platinum rule asks us to treat each other better than we would like to be treated. It acknowledges our ignorance of each other. It says that, although I have gone to school with you since we were five, I may not know everything about you, including what might hurt. It asks us to be gentle and kind. I tell my students, “that’s the kind of people we want to be. We want to be the kind kind.”

I am a huge science fiction fan, so some of my lines come from that world. I am not sure why students must ask to ask a question, but they often do: “I have a question!” they say. My answer is always the same: “Forty-two!” When they tell me that isn’t the answer, I object, telling them they must have the wrong question! We laugh. We get on to the other questions, even if the answer really is forty-two!

Students must think that their teachers, or perhaps most adults, are all knowing. They assume we are big fans of the secret reality TV show in which they star. Perhaps they wouldn’t find us credible authorities if they really knew how little we know about their worlds. I am candid with kids about this. I ask them to assume that I am stupid. I tell them that it isn’t that hard to believe. I tell them that I failed college telepathy class and I cannot read minds.  It is okay to tell me simple and direct things. It is okay to say what you need to say and speak your truth.

A line I use almost everywhere in my life is, “We’ll figure it out.” The computer doesn’t work? We’ll figure it out. We don’t know what the text means? We’ll figure it out. We’re not sure how to get there? We’ll figure it out. We can figure it out. It is what we are all about. Together, we can solve problems and learn together. No knot is so tangled that, working as a team, we cannot untie it. We are capable people – especially when we pool our resources.

Often during a discussion, I will simply ask for a show of hands (Thanks, Alex for remembering this line). No question, just a show of hands. Then, a moment later, when I ask a real question, “how many people agree with the author?” We have already raised our hands once. It is easier to do it again. Like the door-to-door salespeople who get their foot in the door by asking lots of “yes” questions, a show of hands can invite participation.

I don’t mind it at all when a student says, “You always say that” or “I knew that was what you were going to say.” The predictable shouldn’t get dull, but if it engenders a sense of belonging, participation, and levity, then it is okay to take a risk, provide an answer, and learn together!

That’s my line!

How to Get Your Children Into the Right Colleges

It is never too early to start the college process. As we all know, the college your children attend will directly create their future success in every way. The right school is important economically, socially, academically, and this is true for the child as well. In fact, if you haven’t started thinking about how to ensure that your children get into a really good school, a school that will be the envy of your friends and the members of your social group, a school that you will be proud to put on your bumper and sweatshirt, you are basically screwed. Too bad, your child is going to some cut-rate Acme college with all the other schlubs.

But that is NOT you! You are in control and on top of this critical and crucial process and all you need is a roadmap.

We know the things you have already done: you moved to a community with really good schools. You started to drill your children even in utero. You went through numbers, letters, taught your children multiple languages and begin computer programing with baby blocks. You spoke to your children in Sanskrit, Latin, and Esperanto.

You enrolled your child in sports as soon as they could walk. Of course, you chose individual sports because one can’t really count on those other parents to support your children. In their free time, your children should take humanitarian trips to exotic locations, start businesses, run political campaigns, and make guest appearances on national talk shows.

A unique musical instrument is a must! Everyone has caught on about the oboe and bassoon. Your children have mastered the theremin and didgeridoo!

You read the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to your children daily. They are political experts ready to lead their debate teams, congressional clubs, and PACs.

Side note here: if your children resist all these activities, don’t like the drills and skills, you have a loser. Sorry. Be strong and make them what they need to be. Don’t take no for answer. Children can be made in their parents’ image – or even better. Even if your children remind you of yourself at their age, there is still hope.

It is never too early to start to work on the ACT, SAT, and SOB. A test a day keeps bad colleges away, I always say. The more familiar the children are with the tests, the closer you are to that perfect score. Have them start taking the test in the second grade. This will qualify them for gifted opportunities galore!

The gifted track in school is key! Do whatever it takes to make sure your child has a gifted label. Sometimes this may mean visits to doctors and other professionals for evidence. Check with your neighbors for the professionals near you who dispense the diagnoses you desire. If the gifted track is not working, then your child needs special accommodations. It is one or the other, of course! Those expensive tests will come in handy again because extended time is great on college entrance exams!

Homework is a family affair. Work with your children to make sure they understand how you do their homework. Simply doing their homework does not ensure good school performance. They must carefully observe and be able to explain what you have done for them.

Summer is not a break! Computer, writing, architecture, science, and countless other academic camps and gifted summer programs are a must! Make sure they are at a college that everyone will recognize. This begins the relationship. They will have gone to the right school even before they finish the eighth grade!

You will need professional help. A college consultant should be engaged no later than sixth grade. Pick someone who brags that they can get their clients admitted to any school! This expert will give you a break by taking over all the uninteresting form filling and writing and hoops that you must jump through. You don’t have time for all that and your children would just do it wrong or not at all. Pay this specialist to do it for you! They fill out the applications, write the essays, and hound the children. You can continue your wonderful parenting!

If your kids say they want a say in the process, remind them that this far too important for children. They just don’t understand. Someday, they will!

Sign up for every honors class your school offers. Make sure your kids are taking AP, IB, or FU as soon as possible. Send the teachers of these classes generous gifts, and train in your student in teacher handling techniques such as complimentary strategies, kissing up, and “I want to be just like you” tactics. Remind them to tell each teacher that “you changed my life” at least once a semester.

Since your hired gun is doing the heavy lifting, you can sit back and enjoy the constant college conversations. Remember, when you tell people where your children attend, the response should always be awe and envy. Fourteen to twenty-five applications are the absolute minimum. Don’t worry about costs! The worth of a good school is priceless! Admittance is its own reward.

By the end of these eighteen years, your children will have become academic, athletic, and artistic superstars who will achieve and earn more than your peers could imagine. Eventually, they will thank you for all your hard work. Once you are done, you can start a business helping younger parents navigate this perilous journey.

Don’t you wish your parents had done this?

Opening Lines

School started at the end of August. At this point, my classes and I have moved beyond the honeymoon phase and we are genuinely getting to know one another. This means that my new students are not so new anymore and they are learning my lines. While I don’t have any students three times this year, I have a handful of seniors twice. Several have already noted that they heard a saying or joke in theatre only to have it repeated in English. I told them that I wasn’t going to charge them extra for that!

The first few weeks of school were plagued by special schedules. We had shortened periods for an extended homeroom, then open house night and later, pep rally. The late arrival day that is usually our Monday schedule first showed up on a Friday! As a consequence, my sense of what would fit in a period was all messed up. In one class, the bell cut off an activity and the kids were wonderfully patient as I quickly tried to tie a bow on it. Although it was only the second week of school, they said as they were leaving, “You forgot to say, ‘Thank you for flying Science Fiction!” They may have been right!

I believe my “thank you for flying” line originated in my Humanities class more than ten years ago. It was a substitute for “class dismissed.” It is disrespectful to stand up and leave in the middle of a discussion, meaningful activity, or a  sentence!  No one will be late in class if we leave the classroom twenty seconds after the bell! “You are dismissed” is not the way I want to end class. I don’t want the class to be abruptly cut off, and I want it to end on a good note. Most of the time, we end with a review of what we’ve done, a preview of what is coming up, and a clarification of the homework. I like “thank you for flying” for because it expresses my gratitude to my students, is an appropriate metaphor, and usually elicits a smile. Let’s end class with a smile.

I want my classrooms to be filled with laughter. I will tell dad jokes and I am silly to set a light and safe tone in class. So I replace “bless  you” or “gesundheit” with “no sneezing.” I smile and make it clear that I am joking. Yes, there is danger in such sarcasm, but I smile and joke after saying this. Perhaps it is a very small lesson in irony.

My students are now very familiar with the opening lines of the song, “Misty.” I don’t sing much of it. I don’t really like the song, but “look at me” is a great way to bring the group together. After we have talked in our pairs, written our journal entries, or finished the small group task, this line is a nice way to get us all looking and listening in one direction. My old Hebrew teacher used to say that he couldn’t hear us unless he had his glasses on. It is true: if all students are looking at me, they are most likely listening, too.

At some point, I was told that a Freudian slip on purpose is called a Floydian slip. I have used several of these throughout the years. “Okay, my vict – students…” is perhaps my oldest. It acknowledges my power as the teacher and lets me make fun of myself a little. I have sometimes accompanied it with the statement that, despite my class, my students go on to lead somewhat normal lives. Well, that’s my line!

Star Trek: The Next Generation Turns Thirty!

Earthdate: September 28, 1987. Time 7pm: It was the final dress rehearsal of the student variety show. We had been working for five and half weeks and I was desperately trying to help my student create less of a gong show and more of a musical Saturday Night Live.

Things were chaotic. The show was filled with students who had never been on stage before. My college best friend had just started as my technical director and was finding her footing. We were preparing for an audience that behaved more like they were at a football game than watching theatre.

It was not a good night for the premiere of the first new Star Trek TV series in more than twenty years. Nonetheless, I borrowed my father’s portable TV with a six-inch pop-up screen pop, which weighed about twenty pounds.  I plugged it in a hallway just off the stage and watched when I could.

Of course, I was videotaping that first show, “Encounter at Farpoint,” at home! However, I could not wait that long. I had to see the show immediately! I had been waiting far too long for this.

I had been introduced to Star Trek in Sunday school (yes, Sunday school) in 1975 and I was hooked. I had watched all the original series shows so many times that I had the dialogue memorized. I had seen the films multiple times. I had copies of the animated episodes, countless novels, books, and lots of toys and paraphernalia decorated the condominium that I had purchased the prior summer, after completing my first year of teaching. It is not an exaggeration to say that Star Trek was a religious experience for me.

I caught snippets of the first episode as I ran from the theater to the costume shop to the green room to our classroom. I was dumbstruck when an elderly Dr. McCoy made a cameo. I was transfixed when we finally got to see an Enterprise saucer section separate from the secondary hull!

The rehearsal finished and the kids left around 10pm. I didn’t get out until nearly 11:30 or so. I went home and watched the episode. I stopped the tape and went back. I nearly kissed the screen trying to see all the details.

Fortunately, Star Trek: The Next Generation ran on channel 50 twice a week. I watched both times. On the first showing, I taped the show and sometimes watched along. On the second one, I watched with remote in hand and would pause out the commercials. Thus I had two sets of videotapes on which I reverently recorded all the episodes for the next seven years. 

My wife jokes that we could not go on a date until we had finished watching Star Trek. That is true. She learned all about Star Trek as we dated during the second and third seasons. No, we did not have a Star Trek wedding.

Although I had grown up with Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, and Chekov, it was the new cast of characters who became my icons. Star Trek: The Next Generation was a worthy successor to the original series. In more ways than I can explain here, it took the philosophy of the original and boldly went where 1960s television could never go.

It was not perfect. I worried about a captain who immediately surrendered, a counselor whose lines always seemed to be “pain, pain, anguish, anguish,” a Klingon on the bridge, and a child at the helm. The series took time to find its direction and soul, but when it did, it was one of the most rewarding and wonderful science fiction stories ever told.

Star Trek: The Next Generation came of its own as I was doing the same thing. The first few years of the series were my first years as a young teacher. As the show hit its stride in the third season, I had found my wonderful wife, married, and moved out of the bachelor condominium and into a little house. Our daughter was born at the end of the final seventh season.

The Next Generation took on big questions and told bold and ambitious stories. It wrestled with its creator’s rules and learned how to break some of them. While some episodes felt like retreads and others like they were written by a large and discordant committee, I often watched episodes several times because they were so powerful and well crafted.

The show holds up well today. I have used episodes in my own teaching, both in day school and in my Sunday school class! The issues that Star Trek continues to address retain their relevance.

It is appropriate that a new journey, a new ship, and new characters will premiere as we celebrate this anniversary. I am awaiting the new series with similar anticipation, optimism, and fear that I had way back in 1987.

Happy thirtieth birthday, Next Generation!  Here’s looking to the ongoing voyage, continuing mission, and the never-ending exploration of new worlds and new civilizations! Bring on Discovery, let’s boldly go!

Seven Situations

Situation 1:

“It’s time for bed.”
“No it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“YES, it IS!”

“NO, it is NOT!”

Have you ever had this kind of “argument” with a toddler (or a non-toddler)? You can’t win. It isn’t an argument. It is contradiction. It is like that wonderful argument sketch from Monty Python. It is not an argument, it is merely contradiction.  

Situation 2:

Many people don’t go to the doctor or the dentist for one reason: they are worried there is an issue, but don’t want that concern to be verified. In other words, they think something might be wrong, but if they don’t get an expert to tell them they are correct, then they don’t have to face the problem. Therefore, since there isn’t a problem if they don’t get it confirmed and thus there is no need to face the consequences of dealing with it. Problem solved!

Situation 3:

Back to small children: when my child was quite young, she would mix up feeling and thinking. She would say, “I think that Nana is coming over” when her grandmother was not scheduled to visit. What she really meant was, “I want Nana to come over.” It was her wish. However, she assumed that, if she wishes it, it would come true! To paraphrase Pirandello: it will happen if you want it to happen. This is sometimes referred to as magical or wishful thinking.

Situation 4:

According to Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development, if someone is at a preconventional stage of development, then things are morally wrong only if someone catches you doing them. In other words, if you commit a crime, it is only bad if you are caught and punished for it. If you are not found out, then there is no problem. The problem is not the immoral act, it is the revelation of it.  If you aren’t caught, you aren’t wrong!

Situation 5:

Some friends used to shush me in restaurants if veal was on the menu. As a vegetarian, I don’t eat meat. Under most circumstances, I don’t try to convince people to eat the way I do, but veal is the exception to the rule. When they started to order, some people would try to get the veal orderer to choose something else. Others would say to me, “We know, we know, just don’t say anything.” The idea here is that if we are not reminded of a problematic fact, we can ignore it. Veal will taste good and is an acceptable choice as long as we put the ugly truth out of our minds. It is delicious as long as we close our eyes (and minds).

Situation 6:

Have you ever heard a new song and taken an instant dislike to it? Later, you heard it a second, then a third, then a fourth time and soon, you are beginning to see what others see in it. After hearing it many times, you start to like it, even though you did not initially. Is it that you like it or you are now getting used to it?

Advertisers use a similar concept: if you hear something often enough, you will both retain and believe it. Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day, Listerine doesn’t kill germs that cause bad breath, and Duracell batteries don’t last longer. Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s propagandist, is quoted as saying that, if you repeat a lie enough, people will eventually believe it.

Situation 7:

People are driving cars into crowds. Bullies are hurting children. Dictators are killing people. You say that there is blame on many sides and refuse to take a side.

You have taken a side.

Memorizing My Lines

More than a few years ago, a former student returned to school to participate in a special program. Afterward, I gave him a tour of the new sections of the building that were constructed since he graduated, more than fifteen years prior. As we walked around, he quoted the little things I say in class. I was amazed at his memory. I was shocked that many of them I still say and that many of them I had forgotten, even though they came right back when he said them. Most of all, I was surprised at how these little lines stayed with him. More than a decade and a half after class had ended, he remembered my jokes, puns, plays on words, and silly sayings.

This past year, one student had to endure me three times a day. We had Freshman English, Theatre Advisory, and Homeroom together! It wasn’t long until this student began to do impressions of me. In fact, this student began to use my lines at the same time I would start to say them! The poor child got a triple dose of these “Hirschisms,” and shockingly, they stuck!

I suppose we all do this. We have our regular routines: the things we like to say in certain situations. With classroom teachers, however, it is a more complex. I get a fresh set of vict- students every year. Your family will roll their eyes when you use the same line constantly. My students do the same thing, but then new ones come along and I get to start all over! You can’t do that with your family or co-workers!

My lines are not static. Granted, there are a few (or more than a few) that are older than the students in my room, but some fade out and others rotate in. Some are very much connected to specific circumstances: a particular room, course, book, unit, or group of students. Others are timeless and multi-purpose!

For a little while, I have been harvesting my lines, and I made a list of them. I want to explore what they are saying about teaching, learning, my students, and me. They capture an interesting aspect of the experience I share with students. As the new school year begins, I want to think about how these silly sayings shape our experience together.

So, former students out there, what do you remember? What has stuck with you? I have my list but I will give extra credit bonus points if you send me a line that is not on my list. Email me, please!

No, I am not going to write about all of them. That would take far too much time. Some of them look different now than they did then; others are not for publication. Some require too much context and explaining to make sense. There are even a few that baffle me!

Right now, my list has around eighty sayings. That feels both like a lot and like very few. What do you remember? Let me know!