Take Your Senior English Teacher To College

As a Freshman English teacher, it was easy to know what students needed to be able to do to be prepared for Sophomore English since I taught that course! The same was true when I taught Junior English.

Senior English is a different animal: not all of my students are going to college. Some will not take a freshman composition class. Some will never write another literary analysis essay again.

So when alumni visit, I ask them, “What does your Senior English teacher need to know?” I ask how the reading and writing is going? I asked what surprised them and for what they felt prepared. I ask them to give me their top four things about college, and it is always nice when classes are on that list.

But this summer, as I think about my wonderful former-seniors heading off to college in the fall and those who preceded them, I have a different idea. What if I just rode along with you? How about taking your Senior English teacher to college?

And while I am eager to meet my new students, I would love to hang on to the old ones! Once I proposed that we reconstitute one of my Freshman English classes when the students became seniors. There was no way to do it. The kids and I loved the idea, but it was impossible – just like this one, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

I get quick glimpses of my former students in the summer. There are photos on social media, and conversations in town. I see them at the farmers market, coaching little league, counseling camp, or at other summer jobs. Summer is a mere preamble for them and I want to say, “Take me with you!”

I know I will feel the same way about the students who are about to enter my class in the fall, but right now, my mind is on those whom I may never see again. Wasn’t there some TV show where, when the main characters grew too old, the high school teachers just moved up to college with them? That seems so civilized and appropriate.

Here is the plan: we will all go to the same college together. How’s that?

I treasure the students who connect on social media, return for visits at breaks, or email to let me know that how they are doing and give me a peek into their post-high school lives.

I joke about the opposite as my students near graduation: how about flunking something senior year, I ask them, and then you can have one more year of high school? I tempt them with promises of favorite books, units or good grades, but we both know it is just my way of saying that I will miss you when you leave – and you’ll be far too engaged in your new world to think much about your former teacher in the old one.

That is the way it should be. It is the natural order that children grow up and move on. Yet, how many non-teachers have their co-workers move through their lives like that? I know, they aren’t my co-workers, but I spend as much time with my students as I do with my fellow teachers!

One of my former students sent me a beautiful email recently telling me that he had placed out of the Freshman English course at his university. He thanked me for my very small part in that. Knowing this young man, he will explore and read and learn in wonderful ways that I hope I get to see. I have faith that he will let me know about some of them.

So, in a sense, he has acknowledged that he is taking me to college. He is taking the skills he learned in our class to college in the fall. That is going to have to be enough.

The Price of Parking

In 1999, a parent of a Barrington High School student purchased a home next to the school. This parent had no intention of living in the house. The family already lived in the district. The only reason for this huge expenditure was to purchase the driveway. The parent had bought a parking spot for their child, a very expensive parking spot.

Setting aside the cost of the car, what does this choice mean? For most schools, including my own, there is either free or inexpensive bussing service available to anyone who lives more than a mile from the school. No child should HAVE to drive to school. Even those who live close form carpools.

What does it mean to spend thousands of dollars for a car and parking spot for a sixteen-year-old?

First, it means you are living well. This is an issue for affluent families.

Second, it says that convenience is important. Some parents don’t want the child to take another means to school. The bus is not a good choice for them. Why? What is wrong with carpools? They seem like a great way to share the cost. But financial cost is clearly not the key factor in these decisions.

We haven’t even thought about environmental considerations.

And what about safety?

Young drivers make mistakes. Young drivers are more likely to make mistakes when they are in a hurry. One hopes these errors are benign and easily repaired. Sometimes, young drivers are using devices or otherwise distracted. “Good” and “responsible” kids are still inexperienced drivers. Young drivers and teenagers in general need supervised practice. We must help them develop good habits.

If you were going to visit a high school and would be staying beyond the end of the class day, would you choose to park in the student lot or the faculty lot? Why? What about on a snowy day?

Having a group of inexperienced drivers in one place can be dangerous. The student lot at the high school is only one example. I live in a neighborhood that abuts our high school. Some of my neighbors allow students to park in their driveways. Many of these kids pay for that privilege. Of course, they are not charging Barrington prices, but again, between the cost of the car (and gas and upkeep) and the price of parking, this option is only available to families with means.

The high school allows most senior students to park for a fee in the student lot. Therefore, the parkers at my neighbors’ homes are most often younger, less experienced drivers. There are 152 homes in my subdivision. I don’t know how many kids are parking, but judging from the kids walking down my street after school, it must be more than twenty-five.

So, around 3:30, we have many young experienced drivers moving through our neighborhood. At just about the same time, the bus from the middle school drops off. Kids who are walking or biking are leaving the high school at that time, too. We are close enough to the elementary school that we do not qualify for free busing, so on nice days, we might also have younger students going home, as well.

A few years ago, a student of mine was riding his bicycle home. As he rode away from the school and down one of the streets in my neighborhood, a student driver who was “renting” a neighbor’s driveway pulled out a little faster than was safe. She cut off the cyclist and he hit her car. He was thrown over the car and landed on the street. When the EMTs arrived and treated him, they told him that, had he not been wearing a helmet, he might have had severe injuries  - or worse.

Most of the kids I see riding bikes to school are not wearing helmets.

I have been told by my lawyer friends that a homeowner would not be liable for actions of the student driver using their driveway. That doesn’t matter to me. If a child who was parking on my driveway hurt someone  - or worse – I would be very upset. I might not be legally liable, but I might see myself as at least partially responsible.

Kids make poor choices. Good and smart kids make mistakes. New drivers do dangerous things, not because they are foolhardy (although some are) but because they don’t know better.

There is no ignominy in taking the bus. Time with your child in the car (and their friends) is time to talk and get the news. It may be less convenient, but it is safer and healthier.

To my neighbors: please take these ideas into consideration if you are thinking about letting students park at your home. Please don’t sell out our safety. To parents: the way your child gets to school is more than a matter of convenience and affects more than just your child.

The Guns Are Going to Get Your Babies

It is time to face the facts:  those running the government do not care about our children or most of us.

We have had more school shootings than any other first world country and this administration has done nothing to stop them.

We have had more mass shootings in public places like offices, movie theaters, and concerts than any other first world country and this administration does nothing to stop them.

Their policy which allowed for the separating of children from their parents at our border is indicative of what they think about children in general.

Their policy which allowed for the separating of children from their parents at our border is indicative of what they think about children in general.

This administration shows no empathy for children separated from their parents. 

Their policy at the border shows that they are fine using children as hostages for political ends.

They are gutting public schools and the structures that support them.

They are undermining accessibility to college for all but the most wealthy.

Speaking of wealthy, the tax reform bill passed earlier this year was supposed to provide breaks for companies and wealthy individuals that would be shared (think trickled down) to average folks.

Have you seen any relief? Most companies have not shared this bounty with their employees. 

This administration has enacted trade tariffs with some of our most valued trading partners. These countries have reacted by increasing tariffs on incoming goods from the United States.

Once again, the American worker is hurt: the goods they produce will not be as able to be sold overseas, and the goods they purchase at home will cost more.

They are trying to reduce the benefits of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.

So if you do not have private independently financed insurance, you and your family’s access to health care and retirement benefits are in jeopardy.

They are making friends with countries that have been problematic in the past and alienating our traditional friends.

Despite concerns about election tampering and nuclear weapons, this administration is reaching out to Russia and North Korea. How has this made us safer?

This administration has made it clear that it treasures its connection to White Nationalist, racist, and misogynistic groups and individuals.

This administration has defended individuals who have committed acts of hate, abuse, and assault. They have given these individuals key roles in the government.

This administration has defended hate groups and applauded their racist choices.

This administration has called people of color, women, and others animals and other derogatory terms.

To review:

·      You and your children’s safety is in jeopardy from a policy that does not protect the public from shootings.

·      Public education, the road to success for many of us, is under attack.

·      Taxes are lower only for the wealthiest.

·      Tariffs are hurting our jobs and our pocketbooks.

·      Access to insurance and retirement is being threatened.

·      Our leaders are fonder of people who have tried to hurt us than those who have helped us.

·      This administration is closely connected to racists, sexist, and others who have an extremist agenda.

We haven’t even talked about environmental and food safety, privacy on the internet, or several other issues that will make life less safe and more expensive for all of us!

None of this is “fake news.” None of this is even in dispute.

The shocking truth is that some of us are fine with this situation.

I am not.
Please vote.

Stolen Performances: The Theft of the Focus

I teach high school English and theatre. I am well aware of students’ sensitivity to their physical and behavioral image in front of their friends. It is not really a joke to say that many kids behave as if a reality TV camera was following them and broadcasting their every move to millions.

Yet it is not only high school students who have a sense that they are performing in public. Their parents and families behave that way, too. And like their kids, they have a very focused sense of audience.

I have always been uncomfortable with the cheering and yelling at our high school graduation. I have written about it. Similarly, I avoid events, especially performing arts events, where there is a great deal of audience screaming of student names. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, it shifts the focus from those on stage (whatever the nature of that stage) to those in the audience.

I have increasingly seen this overzealous cheering as a kind of performance. It is an attempt by non-performers to get in on the act. There are many ways we can show our pride and appreciation for a graduate, performer, athlete, or actor. When the means is screaming their name (often having the effect of making it impossible to hear the next graduate’s name or to appreciate the performance itself), an odd alliance has formed. The performer (or graduate) gets extra attention (which might feel good) and so does the audience member – but the others pay the price for this. It is a kind of theft.

It is that second part that strikes me as problematic. Graduation is not about the audience. A performance, game, or ceremony is not about the viewers. The focus should be on the kids. But some of us just can’t let them shine.

There are many times when people put on a show. They want the attention that actors, athletes, and public figures enjoy. Being silently (or appropriately) supportive is inadequate because they want to steal the spotlight or at the very least share it.

That is what the screamer does. That is what the person yelling, “Yeah, Muffy” at the show is doing. They are joining the show. They are moving themselves into the center, where they don’t belong. They are saying, “I’m on stage, too!”

Kids do this in classrooms: they want to upstage the student participating or the teacher instructing. It is a kind of power play: look at me, they are saying; I am so good that I can steal the attention from the person who had it. I can steal it, even if only for a moment, and even under the pretense of being a good and supportive audience member, student or parent. Aren’t I special? I’m not doing anything wrong. I am cheering on my friend!

We have a lot of kids taking our beginning theatre class. I wonder that we don’t have more. I am not surprised that many of those kids first need a instruction in giving and taking focus, collaborating, listening, and most of all concentration.

Almost daily, I see a student walking down the hall making faces into a smartphone. They are performing for their SnapChat friends. The number of likes that they receive on Instagram or Facebook is very important. Performances are more important if they are for larger audiences.

Why this need to steal focus? Why the desire to grab the camera and be liked? Why the desire to photo-bomb, yell out, or upstage? Are we starved for attention and positive reinforcement? Are we addicted to it?

In the theatre, we call these people stage-hogs. In some sports, they have a similar term: ball-hogs. They may be talented. They may be skilled, but they are not fun to play with. They aren’t team players. They aren’t generous and collaborative.

It is a kind of selfishness. It is a refusal to acknowledge that others have the same worth as we do. It says, “ Me and mine are more important than you! I can steal your center stage time because I deserve it at least as much as you do – even if I am not graduating, even if I didn’t work for weeks on the performance or team, even if I am just here as an audience member, I have the right to step on stage and be the star – even if the only way I do that is to pretend that I am really cheering the star on.”

There are lots of ways to show appreciation and support. Stealing the focus is the lowest and the cheapest. If you want to put on a show, try out or audition.

No One Should Go Through This: Empathy and Action

Remember with me:

You were in a store or a mall or the zoo or another large place and you realized you could not locate your parents. You looked where they were last and they are not there. As you realize you are lost, the panic wells up inside you. Maybe you cry. Maybe you crumple to the ground. There are no cell phones. You don’t know anyone. You feel completely helpless.

You turn for two seconds to pay for the clothes or to check your watch or make sure you didn’t leave a bag at the table and your child has disappeared. You search the area and you cannot see your child anywhere. Perhaps you are hanging on to another child or a stroller or turn to your partner. Your heart is racing. Where is my child?

You are trying to go to sleep. You have been properly tucked in and all the bedtime rituals have been completed. The light streams out from under your door and you can hear the television and your parent on the phone. You think, “what is my mommy or daddy wasn’t there when I woke up? What if they left? What if they didn’t come back? What if they died?” Before you complete the chain of thoughts, you are crying into your pillow. You tell yourself that nothing has happened. That everyone is at home and watching TV, but somehow merely imagined disaster has upset you so much that sleep is now impossible.

You are awakened by sobs or maybe yelling. You rush to the source of the sound and find your child thrashing in bed, wrestling a nightmare. You gently put your arms around them and turn on a night-light. The child is disoriented, still feeling the residual emotion and not sure what is going on. “It’s alright,” you tell your child, “Everything is fine. You’re fine. I’m here.”

You don’t want to go to the funeral, but you must. You don’t want to consider the possibility that someone so young could die. While you have strong feelings for the parents, you sit in a special place of denial. This sort of thing can’t happen, doesn’t happen, especially to people like us. As you wait to greet the parents, you grip your resolve and try to remember what to say. You fight the tears. They are the grieving parents, not you. Yet you cannot help but see yourself in them, and your child in their loss.

The phone rings. It is late at night or early in the morning. The voice of your child startles you to alertness, “I’ve been in an accident.” Your mind races with questions. Your child has few answers beyond where they are and what is going on. They are at the police station or the hospital or on the side of a road. You are putting on your clothes and grabbing your keys and wallet and rushing out of the house.

The image of a parent being separated from their child at the border is one I don’t want to think about. I can see it all too clearly. I can imagine the child who is lost, confused, and thrust into a strange and terrifying place without any signs of safety. I haven’t been there, but my experiences allow me to empathize and I resist that feeling because it is so gut-wrenching.

I cannot imagine causing this.  

While not all of us are parents, we were all children. Let us remember what this feels like. Regardless of politics, economics, or any other artificial distinction, let us be human. Let us treat each other humanely.

The events at the border are horrifying in a visceral and primal way. Let us do everything we can to reunite children and their parents. No one’s child should be a pawn in a political maneuver.

Here are a few articles that will help you take action:

Five Things You Can Do from Rolling Stone

List of organizations to which you can donate

An updated list of organizations working to end the separation

Seven Ways to Take Jewish Action (not only for Jewish people)

The Struggle of Long Distance Parenting

The camp called to say that my son was ill. He had spent a day or two in the infirmary and they thought he might have pneumonia. They were going to take him to the hospital for x-rays. The camp nurse through it was pneumonia. The camp doctor didn’t. The nurse was right. They treated him and, about a week later, I could not get to camp fast enough to pick him up. I won’t tell you how fast the four-hour drive took us.

When we pulled up to camp and my son was waiting, sitting on the fence, with all the rest of the kids, looking and behaving like himself, I was so relieved it was hard to remain composed. I had been so worried. My child was away from home and sick; I was powerless to help him, but he was okay.

While it did occur to me to swoop in, scoop him up, and spirit him home to the doctor, it took all of my self-control to stay home and wait for updates. I am glad I did. He didn’t need me. He was in good hands. My anxiety was not his anxiety.

Letting go is difficult. Letting your children take care of their own challenges, especially when they are far away, is even more challenging. The line between helping and smothering, between robbing a child of power and being a supportive parent is especially difficult to find – and more so during difficult times. And it is even more difficult when they are older.

Helping younger children be independent problem solvers is what parents are supposed to do. Solving the problem for the child, especially when the child is a teenager – or older – is what parents are supposed to avoid.

Facing tests is how children learn independence, problem-solving, and gain competence and confidence. I know, in my head, that I need to let the kids solve the problem and rushing in to rescue them robs them of agency. I have written about how my parenting prime directive is don’t do anything for the child that they can do for themselves.  

My challenge is that I desperately want to save them! Their pain is my pain. Sometimes, I may be in more pain. I can always rationalize that the stakes are high and that I am only assisting and not taking over. Even as I am thinking this, part of me knows it is not true. I have learned to recognize these tendencies and step back.

It was difficult to do this when my children were in younger and living at home. It is much more difficult when they are far away. Long distance parenting is far more difficult than hands-on parenting for me. When I am hundreds of miles away, I cannot step between my child and the discomfort or difficulty. My child must act. I must take a backseat role and assist, often by being no more than a sideline voice. And my child gets to choose what they want to do with my suggestions.

I have written about my elder child’s experience in Africa. So I was delighted when my younger child chose to go to Paris. That felt way more reasonable and safe, especially considering all that happened to his sister in Nairobi.

His journey to Paris was fraught with travel snafus. The program wanted him to arrive during his final week. His home campus is an hour away from the airport. The first flight was diverted, and he got stuck and had to find a hotel room. He missed the second flight and had to be rebooked and thus missed the beginning of his program. When he finally arrived in Paris, his luggage didn’t and he had an internship interview the next day; he only had the clothes he had worn for three days.

And there was nothing his father could do but track flights and wait for a call.

You know what? He worked it out. He had the interview and got the internship. He has the skills to take care of himself – and he knows how to call his father and ask for assistance when he needs it.

That wasn’t the problem or rather, his problem. The problem was my own sense of urgency and anxiety: my own need to make it okay for him and prevent him from feeling what I was feeling. Nope.

Parenting is about the child. Over-parenting is about the parent. The parent makes excuses that sound like they are protecting, saving, or otherwise helping the child. What they are really doing is making life better for themselves, alleviating their own feelings that they attribute to the child.

Growing up can be messy. The issues that I have encountered are almost laughably “first world” and simple. They didn’t feel that way to me at the time. They felt urgent and dangerous – to me.

We have heard over and over, parents need to let their children be independent. It’s true. The take away is that we, the parents, need to swallow our need to smother and save and let the kid struggle. We need to recognize that our discomfort is not their discomfort. We can be allies and assistants, but only when our children call us in – and sometimes not even then.

I was proud of how my son handled – and continues to handle – challenges in a foreign country. I am delighted by his resourcefulness and street smarts. I know he has practiced them because his father has almost no hair- and plenty of practice swallowing his desire to save!