My Daughter in Africa - Five Years Later

Groggily, I answered my cell phone from my bed. It was 6am on a Saturday morning and the ringing had abruptly awakened me. I knew who was calling. Only one person’s ringtone was set to be audible at all hours. It was my nineteen-year-old daughter calling from Nairobi, Kenya. It was not a scheduled call.

Her first words were, “Daddy, I’m fine.” I shook off sleep and snapped to clear thinking. She told me that there was a shooting at the big mall near her apartment, but she and her classmates were all safe. She had called early because she knew it would be all over the American media soon and she wanted to talk to her mother and me before we saw news reports.

That was five years ago today. I have written about what it was like to send her to Africa. When she finally got back, I wrote about being finally able to breathe again. Even as I reflected on her time in Africa and how we felt when we heard about the terrorist attack (it was far more than a shooting), my heart starts to race and I must blink back the tears. It was one of the most stressful and difficult times I have ever experienced; my child was in a foreign land where bad things were happening and I was helpless to assist her. All I could do was occasionally talk to her and wait.

As I reflect on this anniversary, two things come to mind: the easier and more straightforward is also the most obvious: our children must be able to take care of themselves. I knew my daughter was savvy and capable, but her skills were developed even further, and my faith in them was tested. While every instinct in me was telling me to fly to Africa, I could not do that, and I had to let my child take care of the situation.

We all grew from this experience. It was far more than an exercise in letting go, it was an empathy experience. This taught me how so many other family members feel when they cannot help their loved ones. Whether in a hospital, worrying about a child in the military, or watching someone fumble in horrible darkness, I got a small taste of the limits and pain of crisis parenting.

So I imagine the parents at the border, whose children have been taken from them, living in that crisis mode. My nineteen-year-old took care of me as the crisis began. She stayed in touch and reassured us, back home! These parents are separated from far younger children and most have no way to communicate with them at all.

Like my daughter, they are caught in a terrible political storm in a foreign place. Like me, they must wait and are powerless. While I am so grateful to the many individuals and organizations that are helping them, I feel helpless to help them.

And this makes me angry, furious!

Terrorists in Africa used my child’s well being as a political power play. She was not a player in their game, but merely a tool for achieving their ends.

And now, this administration and my country are similarly terrorizing children and their families for political gain. They have turned families into pawns of their power. My daughter was nineteen! These children are infants, toddlers, and far younger than my college student!

It takes my breath away. How could anyone use children in such a way?

They must not understand. They must not have had an experience of having a child lost or in jeopardy. This must be a failure of empathy, of compassion, of vision.

I was reunited with my child on December 24, a little more than two months after the attack on the Westgate Mall. I can feel that moment as if it was happening now.

When will the parents on the border hug their children again? When will they be reunited?

Now is not soon enough!

Finals Before Broken

After not enough debate, my school has decided to move final exams to the end of December, before the winter break. However, unlike many schools in our area, we are not altering the start or end of our school year. Instead, our semesters will be uneven. The second semester, starting in January, will be two weeks longer than first semester.

I am concerned that we have not fully explored the ramifications of this decision.

I fully endorse that school breaks should be homework free. They should be real breaks. That is clearly why so many members of our community supported this change. However, as I have written before if the problem is studying for finals over break, the answer is not to change the timing of finals, but the nature of finals. Finals are the issue, moving them doesn’t change the problem.

Nonetheless, here we are. We are going down this path and our map is incomplete. I have some concerns and questions about what will happen at the end of December.

Since the first semester will be two weeks shorter than in past years, students will have less time to master the content and become proficient in the skills. The end of the semester assessment will catch them earlier than it has in the past, meaning their grades may be lower.

In addition, the tests themselves may be different. I have already heard talk about changing the nature of first semester tests so that they are easier to grade. Teachers don’t want work over winter break either. While some areas already give a great deal of objective, multiple choice, and scantron based tests, we may see more of this. So, instead of a written exam allowing students to actively demonstrate their understanding, we may see more tests that are quicker and easier to grade, but more difficult for students.

Another option may be that we’ll see more finals due before the actual finals week. This has been happening more and more with our old calendar. This gives students more stress and work and teachers more time to grade. Currently, many students have final “projects” that must be turned in as early as two weeks before the scheduled exam date. I am willing to bet we’ll see many more of these.

Of course, with almost two additional weeks in second semester, we might see more content being taught after winter break. This might mean that second-semester finals are longer and include more material. Instead of an even split between semesters, first semester exams might be easier on teachers and harder on students and second-semester exams might just include more material.

The main reason for this shift was that teachers gave homework over break. Some students also used winter break as a time to get ready for finals and start studying. I have not seen this happen often. My experience is that students do very little or no work over the holiday. Finals used to be scheduled the third week of January, and I have not seen many students work on them before January. While I have seen students deal with homework over break, the solution is one that Lane Tech High School in Chicago recently implemented: make a rule that there is no homework over break!

If students are starting to study for tests over winter break, which used to begin four weeks before the start of the testing week, won’t they do this regardless of the calendar? Finals are now the third week of December. Four weeks before that is Thanksgiving! If students are stressed about finals and homework over winter break, that stress will now move to Thanksgiving, a shorter time off from school.

Finals are scheduled as three periods a day for three days. Each test is seventy-five minutes with a seventy-five-minute break between tests. Most students only come to school for one or two tests a day. The Friday is a day when students do not attend. I’ll bet that airline tickets to nice locations are cheaper if one leaves before the crowded winter break rush. They are probably even cheaper the earlier one leaves. What will we do with the students whose parents decide to pull them out of all or part of finals week to get out of town more quickly and less expensively? Will we have more students missing final exams with this calendar?

Is the rest of the world changing for finals? We will still have sports events, holidays, and everything that comes at the end of December. The school will move our events. We are moving one of the largest, our school charity drive to just before Thanksgiving! However, the outside world’s calendar will remain the same. For example, the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah will end exactly one week before finals.

So we may have lower grades, harder tests, stress over Thanksgiving, more absences (and thus even more stress) and the regular stressors that come with this time of year.

Can we talk about finals?

Take Your Senior English Teacher To College

As a Freshman English teacher, it was easy to know what students needed to be able to do to be prepared for Sophomore English since I taught that course! The same was true when I taught Junior English.

Senior English is a different animal: not all of my students are going to college. Some will not take a freshman composition class. Some will never write another literary analysis essay again.

So when alumni visit, I ask them, “What does your Senior English teacher need to know?” I ask how the reading and writing is going? I asked what surprised them and for what they felt prepared. I ask them to give me their top four things about college, and it is always nice when classes are on that list.

But this summer, as I think about my wonderful former-seniors heading off to college in the fall and those who preceded them, I have a different idea. What if I just rode along with you? How about taking your Senior English teacher to college?

And while I am eager to meet my new students, I would love to hang on to the old ones! Once I proposed that we reconstitute one of my Freshman English classes when the students became seniors. There was no way to do it. The kids and I loved the idea, but it was impossible – just like this one, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

I get quick glimpses of my former students in the summer. There are photos on social media, and conversations in town. I see them at the farmers market, coaching little league, counseling camp, or at other summer jobs. Summer is a mere preamble for them and I want to say, “Take me with you!”

I know I will feel the same way about the students who are about to enter my class in the fall, but right now, my mind is on those whom I may never see again. Wasn’t there some TV show where, when the main characters grew too old, the high school teachers just moved up to college with them? That seems so civilized and appropriate.

Here is the plan: we will all go to the same college together. How’s that?

I treasure the students who connect on social media, return for visits at breaks, or email to let me know that how they are doing and give me a peek into their post-high school lives.

I joke about the opposite as my students near graduation: how about flunking something senior year, I ask them, and then you can have one more year of high school? I tempt them with promises of favorite books, units or good grades, but we both know it is just my way of saying that I will miss you when you leave – and you’ll be far too engaged in your new world to think much about your former teacher in the old one.

That is the way it should be. It is the natural order that children grow up and move on. Yet, how many non-teachers have their co-workers move through their lives like that? I know, they aren’t my co-workers, but I spend as much time with my students as I do with my fellow teachers!

One of my former students sent me a beautiful email recently telling me that he had placed out of the Freshman English course at his university. He thanked me for my very small part in that. Knowing this young man, he will explore and read and learn in wonderful ways that I hope I get to see. I have faith that he will let me know about some of them.

So, in a sense, he has acknowledged that he is taking me to college. He is taking the skills he learned in our class to college in the fall. That is going to have to be enough.

The Price of Parking

In 1999, a parent of a Barrington High School student purchased a home next to the school. This parent had no intention of living in the house. The family already lived in the district. The only reason for this huge expenditure was to purchase the driveway. The parent had bought a parking spot for their child, a very expensive parking spot.

Setting aside the cost of the car, what does this choice mean? For most schools, including my own, there is either free or inexpensive bussing service available to anyone who lives more than a mile from the school. No child should HAVE to drive to school. Even those who live close form carpools.

What does it mean to spend thousands of dollars for a car and parking spot for a sixteen-year-old?

First, it means you are living well. This is an issue for affluent families.

Second, it says that convenience is important. Some parents don’t want the child to take another means to school. The bus is not a good choice for them. Why? What is wrong with carpools? They seem like a great way to share the cost. But financial cost is clearly not the key factor in these decisions.

We haven’t even thought about environmental considerations.

And what about safety?

Young drivers make mistakes. Young drivers are more likely to make mistakes when they are in a hurry. One hopes these errors are benign and easily repaired. Sometimes, young drivers are using devices or otherwise distracted. “Good” and “responsible” kids are still inexperienced drivers. Young drivers and teenagers in general need supervised practice. We must help them develop good habits.

If you were going to visit a high school and would be staying beyond the end of the class day, would you choose to park in the student lot or the faculty lot? Why? What about on a snowy day?

Having a group of inexperienced drivers in one place can be dangerous. The student lot at the high school is only one example. I live in a neighborhood that abuts our high school. Some of my neighbors allow students to park in their driveways. Many of these kids pay for that privilege. Of course, they are not charging Barrington prices, but again, between the cost of the car (and gas and upkeep) and the price of parking, this option is only available to families with means.

The high school allows most senior students to park for a fee in the student lot. Therefore, the parkers at my neighbors’ homes are most often younger, less experienced drivers. There are 152 homes in my subdivision. I don’t know how many kids are parking, but judging from the kids walking down my street after school, it must be more than twenty-five.

So, around 3:30, we have many young experienced drivers moving through our neighborhood. At just about the same time, the bus from the middle school drops off. Kids who are walking or biking are leaving the high school at that time, too. We are close enough to the elementary school that we do not qualify for free busing, so on nice days, we might also have younger students going home, as well.

A few years ago, a student of mine was riding his bicycle home. As he rode away from the school and down one of the streets in my neighborhood, a student driver who was “renting” a neighbor’s driveway pulled out a little faster than was safe. She cut off the cyclist and he hit her car. He was thrown over the car and landed on the street. When the EMTs arrived and treated him, they told him that, had he not been wearing a helmet, he might have had severe injuries  - or worse.

Most of the kids I see riding bikes to school are not wearing helmets.

I have been told by my lawyer friends that a homeowner would not be liable for actions of the student driver using their driveway. That doesn’t matter to me. If a child who was parking on my driveway hurt someone  - or worse – I would be very upset. I might not be legally liable, but I might see myself as at least partially responsible.

Kids make poor choices. Good and smart kids make mistakes. New drivers do dangerous things, not because they are foolhardy (although some are) but because they don’t know better.

There is no ignominy in taking the bus. Time with your child in the car (and their friends) is time to talk and get the news. It may be less convenient, but it is safer and healthier.

To my neighbors: please take these ideas into consideration if you are thinking about letting students park at your home. Please don’t sell out our safety. To parents: the way your child gets to school is more than a matter of convenience and affects more than just your child.

The Guns Are Going to Get Your Babies

It is time to face the facts:  those running the government do not care about our children or most of us.

We have had more school shootings than any other first world country and this administration has done nothing to stop them.

We have had more mass shootings in public places like offices, movie theaters, and concerts than any other first world country and this administration does nothing to stop them.

Their policy which allowed for the separating of children from their parents at our border is indicative of what they think about children in general.

Their policy which allowed for the separating of children from their parents at our border is indicative of what they think about children in general.

This administration shows no empathy for children separated from their parents. 

Their policy at the border shows that they are fine using children as hostages for political ends.

They are gutting public schools and the structures that support them.

They are undermining accessibility to college for all but the most wealthy.

Speaking of wealthy, the tax reform bill passed earlier this year was supposed to provide breaks for companies and wealthy individuals that would be shared (think trickled down) to average folks.

Have you seen any relief? Most companies have not shared this bounty with their employees. 

This administration has enacted trade tariffs with some of our most valued trading partners. These countries have reacted by increasing tariffs on incoming goods from the United States.

Once again, the American worker is hurt: the goods they produce will not be as able to be sold overseas, and the goods they purchase at home will cost more.

They are trying to reduce the benefits of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security.

So if you do not have private independently financed insurance, you and your family’s access to health care and retirement benefits are in jeopardy.

They are making friends with countries that have been problematic in the past and alienating our traditional friends.

Despite concerns about election tampering and nuclear weapons, this administration is reaching out to Russia and North Korea. How has this made us safer?

This administration has made it clear that it treasures its connection to White Nationalist, racist, and misogynistic groups and individuals.

This administration has defended individuals who have committed acts of hate, abuse, and assault. They have given these individuals key roles in the government.

This administration has defended hate groups and applauded their racist choices.

This administration has called people of color, women, and others animals and other derogatory terms.

To review:

·      You and your children’s safety is in jeopardy from a policy that does not protect the public from shootings.

·      Public education, the road to success for many of us, is under attack.

·      Taxes are lower only for the wealthiest.

·      Tariffs are hurting our jobs and our pocketbooks.

·      Access to insurance and retirement is being threatened.

·      Our leaders are fonder of people who have tried to hurt us than those who have helped us.

·      This administration is closely connected to racists, sexist, and others who have an extremist agenda.

We haven’t even talked about environmental and food safety, privacy on the internet, or several other issues that will make life less safe and more expensive for all of us!

None of this is “fake news.” None of this is even in dispute.

The shocking truth is that some of us are fine with this situation.

I am not.
Please vote.

Stolen Performances: The Theft of the Focus

I teach high school English and theatre. I am well aware of students’ sensitivity to their physical and behavioral image in front of their friends. It is not really a joke to say that many kids behave as if a reality TV camera was following them and broadcasting their every move to millions.

Yet it is not only high school students who have a sense that they are performing in public. Their parents and families behave that way, too. And like their kids, they have a very focused sense of audience.

I have always been uncomfortable with the cheering and yelling at our high school graduation. I have written about it. Similarly, I avoid events, especially performing arts events, where there is a great deal of audience screaming of student names. Not only does it make me uncomfortable, it shifts the focus from those on stage (whatever the nature of that stage) to those in the audience.

I have increasingly seen this overzealous cheering as a kind of performance. It is an attempt by non-performers to get in on the act. There are many ways we can show our pride and appreciation for a graduate, performer, athlete, or actor. When the means is screaming their name (often having the effect of making it impossible to hear the next graduate’s name or to appreciate the performance itself), an odd alliance has formed. The performer (or graduate) gets extra attention (which might feel good) and so does the audience member – but the others pay the price for this. It is a kind of theft.

It is that second part that strikes me as problematic. Graduation is not about the audience. A performance, game, or ceremony is not about the viewers. The focus should be on the kids. But some of us just can’t let them shine.

There are many times when people put on a show. They want the attention that actors, athletes, and public figures enjoy. Being silently (or appropriately) supportive is inadequate because they want to steal the spotlight or at the very least share it.

That is what the screamer does. That is what the person yelling, “Yeah, Muffy” at the show is doing. They are joining the show. They are moving themselves into the center, where they don’t belong. They are saying, “I’m on stage, too!”

Kids do this in classrooms: they want to upstage the student participating or the teacher instructing. It is a kind of power play: look at me, they are saying; I am so good that I can steal the attention from the person who had it. I can steal it, even if only for a moment, and even under the pretense of being a good and supportive audience member, student or parent. Aren’t I special? I’m not doing anything wrong. I am cheering on my friend!

We have a lot of kids taking our beginning theatre class. I wonder that we don’t have more. I am not surprised that many of those kids first need a instruction in giving and taking focus, collaborating, listening, and most of all concentration.

Almost daily, I see a student walking down the hall making faces into a smartphone. They are performing for their SnapChat friends. The number of likes that they receive on Instagram or Facebook is very important. Performances are more important if they are for larger audiences.

Why this need to steal focus? Why the desire to grab the camera and be liked? Why the desire to photo-bomb, yell out, or upstage? Are we starved for attention and positive reinforcement? Are we addicted to it?

In the theatre, we call these people stage-hogs. In some sports, they have a similar term: ball-hogs. They may be talented. They may be skilled, but they are not fun to play with. They aren’t team players. They aren’t generous and collaborative.

It is a kind of selfishness. It is a refusal to acknowledge that others have the same worth as we do. It says, “ Me and mine are more important than you! I can steal your center stage time because I deserve it at least as much as you do – even if I am not graduating, even if I didn’t work for weeks on the performance or team, even if I am just here as an audience member, I have the right to step on stage and be the star – even if the only way I do that is to pretend that I am really cheering the star on.”

There are lots of ways to show appreciation and support. Stealing the focus is the lowest and the cheapest. If you want to put on a show, try out or audition.

No One Should Go Through This: Empathy and Action

Remember with me:

You were in a store or a mall or the zoo or another large place and you realized you could not locate your parents. You looked where they were last and they are not there. As you realize you are lost, the panic wells up inside you. Maybe you cry. Maybe you crumple to the ground. There are no cell phones. You don’t know anyone. You feel completely helpless.

You turn for two seconds to pay for the clothes or to check your watch or make sure you didn’t leave a bag at the table and your child has disappeared. You search the area and you cannot see your child anywhere. Perhaps you are hanging on to another child or a stroller or turn to your partner. Your heart is racing. Where is my child?

You are trying to go to sleep. You have been properly tucked in and all the bedtime rituals have been completed. The light streams out from under your door and you can hear the television and your parent on the phone. You think, “what is my mommy or daddy wasn’t there when I woke up? What if they left? What if they didn’t come back? What if they died?” Before you complete the chain of thoughts, you are crying into your pillow. You tell yourself that nothing has happened. That everyone is at home and watching TV, but somehow merely imagined disaster has upset you so much that sleep is now impossible.

You are awakened by sobs or maybe yelling. You rush to the source of the sound and find your child thrashing in bed, wrestling a nightmare. You gently put your arms around them and turn on a night-light. The child is disoriented, still feeling the residual emotion and not sure what is going on. “It’s alright,” you tell your child, “Everything is fine. You’re fine. I’m here.”

You don’t want to go to the funeral, but you must. You don’t want to consider the possibility that someone so young could die. While you have strong feelings for the parents, you sit in a special place of denial. This sort of thing can’t happen, doesn’t happen, especially to people like us. As you wait to greet the parents, you grip your resolve and try to remember what to say. You fight the tears. They are the grieving parents, not you. Yet you cannot help but see yourself in them, and your child in their loss.

The phone rings. It is late at night or early in the morning. The voice of your child startles you to alertness, “I’ve been in an accident.” Your mind races with questions. Your child has few answers beyond where they are and what is going on. They are at the police station or the hospital or on the side of a road. You are putting on your clothes and grabbing your keys and wallet and rushing out of the house.

The image of a parent being separated from their child at the border is one I don’t want to think about. I can see it all too clearly. I can imagine the child who is lost, confused, and thrust into a strange and terrifying place without any signs of safety. I haven’t been there, but my experiences allow me to empathize and I resist that feeling because it is so gut-wrenching.

I cannot imagine causing this.  

While not all of us are parents, we were all children. Let us remember what this feels like. Regardless of politics, economics, or any other artificial distinction, let us be human. Let us treat each other humanely.

The events at the border are horrifying in a visceral and primal way. Let us do everything we can to reunite children and their parents. No one’s child should be a pawn in a political maneuver.

Here are a few articles that will help you take action:

Five Things You Can Do from Rolling Stone

List of organizations to which you can donate

An updated list of organizations working to end the separation

Seven Ways to Take Jewish Action (not only for Jewish people)