How do we become good parents? Is it enough to just imitate
our own parents? If we had perfect parents and our partner had perfect parents,
won’t we be perfect parents, too? Parenting is difficult. No one parents in the
same world as their parents. How do we help each other to grow as parents?
Think of the other important roles in your life. As a
professional, I have colleagues and coaches and plenty of opportunities for
development and learning. In my non-professional activities, I take lessons, go
to events, and read to improve my skills.
But parenting is supposed to be somehow automatic. Don’t
tell me how to parent because I have always known how. In fact, I was a
fantastic parent before I even had kids!
I vividly remember a visit to my Aunt Paula’s house when my
daughter was around eighteen months old. She watched me interact with my child
and pulled me aside and suggested another way to handle the situation. She
gently taught me, in the moment, how to improve my parenting.
We must be as aware of our parenting as we are of our other
roles. We must work to be reflective and sensitively help our partners and
friends. This doesn’t make us parent critics or shamers. This means that we
must be conscious parents who are self-critical and recognize that we will make
mistakes that need to be addressed. We understand that we have a web of support
that includes our partners, parents, friends and even our own children.
It also means that we must have the humility to admit that
we don’t know it all, we will make mistakes, and we are never done developing.
With that in mind, here are a few of the lessons I have been
taught as a parent and teacher over the past thirty-some years working in the
classroom. I brainstormed some of these with my wife, family, and friends. I
asked the question: what are some of the most important things you wish the
families with whom you worked knew? This is the beginning of this list:
Don’t prevent consequences – even for mistakes. If your
child forgets an assignment, they must deal with that. If the lunch didn’t make
it to school, let them problem solve. If they got a bad score on a test, coach
but don’t direct them to assistance. When the stakes are higher (and the
consequences more severe), think long and hard before stepping between your
children and the effect of their actions. These tougher moments may be the most
important to allow kids to feel the impact of their power.
This leads us directly to the idea that your children must
be the primary actors in their own plays. Don’t write the script for them.
Don’t call the teacher; instead coach your child to talk to the teacher. Don’t
jump in; help your child to learn the skills to be their own advocate!
Don’t make excuses: But he has baseball, she is so busy,
this is not something they do well, the teacher is scary, the coach will
retaliate, that boy is just difficult, and on and on and on. There are a ton of
rationalizations why our children shouldn’t be problem solvers. And while there
are exceptions to most rules, be honest about when you are making an exception and
when it is easier or more in our
interest to take action rather than let the child do the job.
Be honest with yourself: is this for you or is this for the
child. It is almost always easier to do something ourselves. It is almost
always more effective to play talent agent, stage parent, or social director.
We are more skilled than our children and will probably do better taking care
of their needs. However, they must learn how to do what we do. Coach them, yes
– do it for them, no! Knowing the difference is not difficult, but being honest
about it can be.
It is okay to struggle. It is okay to be frustrated. Dealing
with obstacles, difficult people, and challenging problems makes us more
capable people. From competence comes confidence. Rob the child of the problem-solving pain and you handicap their true adult capability.
“We” are not filling out college applications. “We” don’t
have a test tomorrow. “We” are not moving into the dorm. Our language reveals
us. When I hear a parent use a collective that should be reserved for royalty
(We are not amused), wait staff (What are we having?) or doctors (how do we
feel?), it means only one thing: a child’s boundaries are being crossed and
then, truly, we have a problem.
Model the behavior you want them to learn. Be on time. Use
organizational strategies. Make them an audience to your mature problem solving
behavior and show them how adults function. And let them see how your process
when you struggle and how you seek help when you need it.
Help your children to see that planning matters. Children
live in the here and now (even when they are on their devices) and have trouble
understanding how what they do today affects tomorrow. Teach them to think
ahead and plan for tomorrow. Show them how what we do now can open or close
doors later on.
As parents, we need to coach each other. It is
extremely difficult to take feedback on one’s parenting. We don’t have
benchmarks or classes or objective ways to measure our effectiveness. This
makes it all the more important that we cultivate reflectiveness, work
collaboratively with our partners and the important people in our children’s
lives (like their teachers), and actively work on improving our prowess as
parents.
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