We sometimes call them butt wipers; parents who do
everything for their children except (or including) wiping their behinds. I am
not talking about toddlers, by the way. I am talking about high school and
college kids. These smother mothers and do-it-for-them dads rob their children
of autonomy and agency. Don’t they know what they are doing? Why aren’t they
aware of the effect their over-parenting has on their children?
We must approach parenting as a skill. We must learn from
each other and make a conscious effort to be reflective and critical of our own
parenting.
I started a list of parenting ideas in an earlier post (put
link her). Here is a second list of things that people who work with children
wished that parents of middle, high school and perhaps even college kids knew:
Don't lie, and don’t lie for them. This is
critically important. Lying is a quick and cheap way of dealing with problems,
but it doesn’t solve problems: it creates new problems. It is not an effective
or ethical means of meeting life’s challenges, but it is easier. If you provide
them with the example and thus the permission to solve problems through deceit,
beware: they will use it.
Don't take them out of school. As
I have written before, parents who take
students out of school for vacations, appointments, special events, and other
reasons are clearly demonstrating the value of school. In addition, this
creates significant stress when students need to make up what they have missed.
Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with that stress is avoidance or deceit. I
have seen students who otherwise perform well in school, spiral downwards when
faced with what they perceive as an insurmountable amount of work due to
absences. Keep them in class!
One sign that a student has an overpowering parent is
entitlement behavior. When a parent lays down the red carpet before a child,
the child rightfully gets the message that they are super special and should be
treated like royalty. Don’t make their lunches. Don’t make their beds. Don’t
arrange their social calendars, and don’t do their homework!
These rarified stars often cannot control simple impulses:
they cannot take turns in a conversation; they blurt out in the classroom and
demand their questions be answered immediately. They are, after all, the real
important people in the classroom. The rest of these kids are just there to
help them learn. Don’t scoff at this: I have heard students say as much in
class. Sometimes they are aware that they just told the class that they matter
more than anyone else. More often, they are so used to being center stage that
they can’t see outside their spotlight.
An extension of this is parents who believe that the rules
do not apply to them. Deadlines are not really deadlines. Due dates can be
negotiated, and laws are “guidelines for idiots,” as one person told me. Your
kids are watching. If you drive dangerously, allow them to get around curfew,
circumvent the system, and treat rules as suggestions at best, beware: they
will do the same.
Treat people like people and not like servants. How you
relate to your child’s teacher, the secretary at school, the guard as you
enter, and other people whom you meet will set the tone for your child’s sense
of respect. Be aware of your tone in emails and phone conversations. Kids
understand this on a gut level and often in a way they cannot articulate until
you hear it from them later. And the
school staff will remember you, but not fondly. Do you want that reputation?
This is only part two of this series. There is
more to come; I am finishing a third part. Do you have suggestions that should
be included? Please send them to me!
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